


Mockingjay - Peeta Mellark

by Everlarked



Series: The Hunger Games Trilogy - Peeta Mellark [3]
Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M, Hijacking, Mockingjay, everlark, growing back together, toastbabies - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-15 03:17:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 28
Words: 113,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2213808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everlarked/pseuds/Everlarked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the last book from the series. Peeta is captured and forced to cooperate with the Capitol. I've rated this work M, because he gets tortured and it gets pretty explicit. But there will come an end to the gore. I promise things will be good again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Another interview

**Author's Note:**

> Mockingjay - Introduction  
> This is the third and last book of the Hunger Games Trilogy from Peeta's POV.  
> In the first two books I've copied Suzanne Collin's pace and timeline. Meaning that each chapter of my books was an exact parallel of the chapter in the original. Mockingjay will be a little different from the other two and here is why:  
> 1\. Mockingjay starts four weeks after Catching Fire ends. Peeta's interviews with Caesar and later his appearance with Snow take place in these four weeks. If I were to start Mockingjay - Peeta Mellark at the same time the original starts, I can't write about these interviews and the torture and hijacking that takes place in this same time. This I do not want.  
> 2\. Peeta gets rescued in chapter 12. If I want to follow SC's timeline, I have to describe 12 chapters of torture and hijacking. I think that’s too much. I don’t want to do that and I also think you don’t want to read about it either. It’s too much misery.  
> 3\. Suzanne Collins summarizes a lot in the last chapter of her book. Katniss getting locked up in the Training Center, her trial, her sent back to 12 and then finally the growing back together part. A lot of things are happening here. I want to elaborate on that more.  
> So, here’s the deal. I will shorten the torture and hijacking and have Peeta’s rescue take place in chapter 5. Then chapter 6-19 will cover chapter 13-26 from the book. In these chapters I will take over Suzanne’s timeline again. Then chapter 20-27 will cover chapter 27 and post MJ – pre-epilogue stuff. Of course, my book will end with the epilogue, just as the original did.  
> I hope all is clear for you guys and you’re looking forward to MJ – Peeta Mellark as much as I am! Thanks

Part 1: The ashes

Chapter 1 – Another interview 

I stare down at my shoes, watching my shoelaces dangle slightly. I should knot them, double knot them. But I'm overwhelmed with what Portia told me last night, so instead I just sit here and stare at them.  
District Twelve is gone. Obliterated. They don't know if anyone survived. The bombs came fifteen minutes after the arena exploded. President Snow ordered them immediately. The planes were already on standby, that's why they were there so quickly. It has only been a day since it happened so they have no idea about the damage done. No word came from Twelve yet but there has been some footage made by a camera crew inside one of the planes. You could see the Justice Building burning and the house of the Mayor too. I haven't seen it of course, but Portia did and she recognized the buildings from our Victory Tour. 

"It didn't look as if anyone would come out of there alive," Portia had said. A beeper went off and she had to leave, but she promised me she’ll see me the next day to help me get ready for the interview.  
After she left I went to lie down on the bed. Since then I haven't had a moment of rest. Her words echoing in my head. The Mayor, his wife, and Madge too, gone. And their house is so close to ours, even closer to the one where Nick lives. Are they still alive, are they okay? I don’t know and there is no way to find out. On top of this I’m almost crazy with worry about Katniss. Does she know about what happened to our home? She’s somewhere in District Thirteen right now. Surrounded by strangers. I’m glad that Finnick and Beetee are there with her. And Haymitch. When I think about him I get extremely angry for the way he used us. But I’m also glad that he’s safe and alive and with her. But Prim and her mother, did they survive? And even Gale, I wonder. There are so many questions. Questions without answers.

The night passes but I can’t sleep. I feel sick with worry, I’m trying to think my way out of it. Telling myself everything will be fine, but who am I fooling? I don’t know if everything will be fine, more so, it probably won’t.  
Finally the door opens and a capitol attendant walks in, giving me a couple of slices of bread for breakfast. While I eat I see the light of day coming through the windows on the other side of the hall.  
“Mr. Mellark,” the attendant says after I’ve finished the bread, “you have to come with me for a full body polish.”  
I stand up and want to follow her. But as soon as my feet cross the threshold an alarm starts beeping. The two peacekeepers in the hall turn towards me and train their guns at me. “Oh yes, I forgot,” the attendant says and turns around. “I need to put you in handcuffs first and enter a code, otherwise you can’t leave this room.”  
“Sure,” I say and hold out my hands to her. She cuffs them with a shiny silver set of handcuffs, enters a code in the display and gestures me to follow her. At this moment I’m too far gone to care about handcuffs even though they do remind me of the position I’m in. They tell me I should be worried.  
We walk through a couple of hallways, take an elevator and then arrive at a room that seems to be a cross between a hospital room and a beauty salon. The attendant tells me to lie down on the chair that’s placed in the middle of the room. I sit and she straps me onto the chair with two belts. One over my waist and one over my chest. As if I was going to try to break free and run. Where would I even go? We’re in the middle of the Capitol. In the heart of the enemy. I’d have nowhere to go.

The attendant and two others start to work on my body. Covering every part of me in oil and other kinds of ointment. They rub it into me until my entire skin is pink and tingling. After an hour or two they’re finally done and I’m taken back to my prison.  
In there I find my prep team. Morna, Sensa and Josius all stare at me as if they’ve seen a ghost. Finally Sensa steps forward and takes my hand. “Peeta,” she says, “How are you?” She looks at the cuffs around my wrists. “Are you okay, have they hurt you?”  
“No,” I shake my head and give her a reassuring smile. “No, I’m fine, Sensa, thank you.”  
At this Morna and Josius come forward too and all three of them give me a hug. “We were so worried after Katniss shot that arrow into the force field.” Morna says. “We didn’t know if you made it out alive after that. The force field was blown up and with it the entire area was cut off from electricity. All our television screens blacked out.” She says it like the last part was the worst of it all.  
The attendant, who walked me back to my quarters unlocks the cuffs and leaves without another word.  
“We’re here to make you look all handsome again,” Sensa says to me. “For the big interview this evening.”  
I just nod and let them work on me. I’m tired from the sleepless night and the unanswered questions. My prep team does their work in silence. Only commenting a little on each other’s work. Complaining about the condition of my hair. “All those curls damaged,” Josius frowns. “Because of that fog.”  
“At least you got a full body polish,” Morna says. “So the scars are gone.”  
I can’t believe that in the situation we’re in, these people still care about something as stupid as scars. But I don’t comment on it, I just let them work.

Portia enters when they’re done. She’s holding a white suit, a white button down shirt and white shoes.  
“All white, huh,” I comment.  
“President Snow’s request,” she says. She helps me get dressed and in the mean time she tells me there’s been news from District Twelve. “They suspect that some people made it out of there alive. They are just rumors. Nothing is sure yet. But there’s still hope, Peeta.” Portia looks me in the eyes. “Also for Katniss,” she adds, “District Thirteen is probably the safest place to be right now. I know you’re worried about her, but you have to think about yourself as well. You’re in a far more dangerous place than she is. Don’t try to fight these people, cooperate with them instead. It’s the best thing you can do, really.”  
“Will it help her if I cooperate?” I ask.  
“Yes, I believe it will. The rebels are weak, what if the Capitol breaks them?” She says, “If you cooperate, there might be a chance they will keep her alive.”  
“You’re right. I thought about that too,” I say. “Don’t worry. I’ll cooperate.”

When Portia is done, she and my prep team are ordered to leave. I feel the anxiety building so I start building card houses again. Imagining them to be the Capitol. Remove one card and the entire system collapses. Making them collapse is my favorite part. After building what seemed like a hundred card houses and making them all collapse, Antonius enters my prison cell. He rolls in a television screen and places it in front of me. “I have something for you to see.” He says and he presses the play button.  
The arena appears on the screen and I suck in my breath at what I see in front of me. We’re at the lightning tree discussing Beetee’s plan. An unhappy look is visible on my face and on Katniss’s as well. But we relent and she takes off with Johanna. I see how Brutus and Enobaria cut the wire. How Johanna smashes the coil into Katniss’s temple and then cuts her arm. I’m flushed with anger. Why did she do that?  
“She cuts out her tracker,” says Antonius, as if I asked the question out loud.  
After Johanna takes off it’s mayhem. Everyone’s running around. Brutus and Enobaria split up just after they’ve run passed Katniss. They heard Chaff, who was being incredibly loud. Now that I know about the rebels, I’m even more convinced that he did it on purpose. He was pretty close by, had probably seen Brutus and Enobaria cut the wire. Only after Katniss was hit he started singing. Brutus finds him easily and kills him with the spear. Then I see myself jumping out of the underbrush, getting the spear and killing Brutus myself. In retrospect I seem so cold hearted, I’m amazed by my own actions. I killed him without the blink of an eye. 

The footage I’m watching is edited because I can see we go back in time a little. The clock on the left side of the screen shows this. It’s almost midnight. The camera goes to Katniss who is now sitting next to Beetee at the tree. He’s unconscious because he threw my knife into the force field. She picks up the knife and looks at it, puzzled. I can almost see her think, “what was Beetee doing?”  
She starts screaming my name when the cannon sounds, indicating Chaff’s death. Finnick and Enobaria appear. Finnick close by, Enobaria further to the left. Katniss aims her bow at Enobaria but she doesn’t shoot. Instead, she removes the arrow from the bow and takes Beetee’s wire. She wraps it around the tip of the arrow a couple of times and when the clock strikes midnight she lets the arrow fly into the night sky. When it hits the force field the screen blacks out.  
Antonius gets up and shuts off the television.  
“There you have it,” he says. “She did it. Here’s your proof.”  
“She didn’t know what she was doing.” I repeat the words I said to Enobaria yesterday.  
“I don’t care about that.” Antonius says. “This is what I care about: Half of this country is in rebellion. It needs to stop. And you are going to help me with that.”  
“What do you want me to do?” I ask.  
“We’ve scheduled an interview with Caesar Flickerman. You will go and you will tell the country that you want a cease fire. They’ll listen to you, they’ll believe you.”  
“A cease fire?” I look at him incredulously. It seems like an odd request to me.  
“Yes, a cease fire. People are dying, Peeta. Hundreds of them every day. I’m sure you heard what happened to Twelve. If we continue fighting, where would that lead us?” Antonius says calmly, trying to convince me.

A cease fire will mean the end of the rebellion. And this is what the Capitol wants, of course. It’s not what I want, for the Capitol to win. But what can I do about it? And thousands upon thousands of our people dead. Will it even be worth it? If the rebels win, will there be anything left to our world? I can’t answer these questions, but I know Portia is right. I need to cooperate. Because even if I don’t, the Capitol might still win this. And what will happen to Katniss then? She’ll be executed for sure.  
I look up at Antonius, who stopped talking and is waiting for me to answer. “What about Katniss?” I ask.  
“Don’t worry about her.” He immediately says. “We’ll make sure she’ll live. She’ll be granted immunity.” He pauses a moment before he adds, “If you cooperate, that is.”  
I don’t believe him, but there is nothing I can do. Cooperating at least will give her better odds. So I nod at him. “I’ll do it.”  
At this he gives me a script of the interview. “Like I said yesterday, you can add whatever you like. Just answer Caesars questions in a normal manner. And be sure to mention the cease fire.” There is a serious warning in the last sentence. I look from the paper into the cool blue eyes of the man sitting across from me. “Be sure to do what you’re told.” He says again. “Otherwise things will look bad for Katniss Everdeen. We’ll find her. And she’ll die, I assure you. And as for you, be careful what you say. Make sure to give me a reason to keep you alive.”  
I nod again and know that this man is not to be played with. He will hold his word. He’ll hunt her down personally if I don’t do what he wants me to do.  
“Good,” he says and gets up. “Saria will get you to the studio.” He walks out of the door, rolling the television behind him. The door falls shut behind him.

I bury my head in my hands. Think, I order myself. Because even though cooperating seems like the good thing to do, I also have an opportunity to say what I want to say in that interview. Of course I’m going to make sure that everybody knows Katniss is innocent. But what more can I do? Can I be of any use to the rebels? Share some information that could be helpful? Except I don’t have information. I don’t know anything. Think, I order myself.

Saria, the same attendant who came to bring me to my full body polish, arrives about an hour later and takes me to the studio. She directs me to one of the two chairs placed there. The room is empty, except for two camera’s and a handful of people from the television crew. There is no audience. Caesar comes walking towards me. He looks the same as always. Nice shiny suit, lavender hair. He gives me a big smile, as if he’s genuinely happy to see me. “Peeta! Are you ready for this?” He asks. I nod and he sits in the chair next to me.  
One of the people in the room, probably the director starts counting backwards, indicating when the interview begins. When he’s done, Caesar turns to the camera, smiles wide and then gestures towards me.  
"So...Peeta...welcome back." He says.  
I give him a small smile. "I bet you thought you'd done your last interview with me, Caesar." I say.  
"I confess, I did," says Caesar. "The night before the Quarter Quell...well, who ever thought we'd see you again?"  
"It wasn't part of my plan, that's for sure," I answer as I frown.  
Caesar leans towards me and says, "I think it was clear to all of us what your plan was. To sacrifice yourself in the arena so that Katniss Everdeen and your child could survive."  
"That was it. Clear and simple." I say. Already I start to get nervous because of the mentioning of Katniss. My fingers find the arm of the chair and trace the patterns that are carved in the wood.

"But other people had plans as well," I add.  
Caesar doesn’t react immediately and I think about the plans of the rebels. About Haymitch, who was in on this. And how deserted I feel by him. The frown on my forehead deepens at this thought.  
"Why don't you tell us about that last night in the arena?" Caesar asks, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Help us sort a few things out."  
I nod at him and think about where to start. What to say. Antonius told me to be careful. Threatened me that it would end badly for me if I misspoke. But I know it’s an empty threat. Things will end badly anyway. And if this gets aired, I want the people of Panem to know the truth.  
"That last night...to tell you about that last night...well, first of all, you have to imagine how it felt in the arena. It was like being an insect trapped under a bowl filled with steaming air. And all around you, jungle...green and alive and ticking.” I say solemnly. “That giant clock ticking away your life. Every hour promising some new horror. You have to imagine that in the past two days, sixteen people have died - some of them defending you. At the rate things are going, the last eight will be dead by morning. Save one. The victor. And your plan is that it won't be you."  
I take a deep breath and let my words sink in. The handful of people in the room are glued to my lips, as is Caesar.

"Once you're in the arena, the rest of the world becomes very distant," I say. "All the people and things you loved or cared about almost cease to exist. The pink sky and the monsters in the jungle and the tributes who want your blood become your final reality, the only one that ever mattered. As bad as it makes you feel, you're going to have to do some killing, because in the arena, you only get one wish. And it's very costly."  
"It costs your life," says Caesar.  
"Oh, no. It costs a lot more than your life. To murder innocent people?" I say and I look at him intently. "It costs everything you are."  
"Everything you are," Caesar repeats softly.  
Again, there is a moment of silence and I feel the tension in the room building.  
"So you hold on to your wish. And that last night, yes, my wish was to save Katniss.” I continue my story. “But even without knowing about the rebels, it didn't feel right. Everything was too complicated. I found myself regretting I hadn't run off with her earlier in the day, as she had suggested. But there was no getting out of it at that point."  
"You were too caught up in Beetee's plan to electrify the salt lake," says Caesar.  
At the mentioning of Beetee’s plan I suddenly burst out. "Too busy playing allies with the others. I should have never let them separate us!"  
I’m almost in tears as the emotions of reliving those moments get to me. "That's when I lost her." I say.  
"When you stayed at the lightning tree, and she and Johanna Mason took the coil of wire down to the water," Caesar says.  
"I didn't want to!" I feel my cheeks get red because of the anger I feel. "But I couldn't argue with Beetee without indicating we were about to break away from the alliance. When that wire was cut, everything just went insane. I can only remember bits and pieces. Trying to find her. Watching Brutus kill Chaff. Killing Brutus myself. I know she was calling my name. Then the lightning bolt hit the tree, and the force field around the arena...blew out."

"Katniss blew it out, Peeta," says Caesar. "You've seen the footage."  
"She didn't know what she was doing. None of us could follow Beetee's plan. You can see her trying to figure out what to do with that wire," I’m snapping at him, even though I know none of this is his fault.  
"All right. It just looks suspicious," says Caesar. "As if she was part of the rebels' plan all along."  
No. She didn’t know. And I want this to be clear, very clear for everyone who’s watching. Because I have to protect her. Have to make sure she won’t be executed as a traitor if the Capitol takes over the rebels. So I get up, lock my hands on the arms of my chair and lean towards Caesar, adding to the drama.  
"Really? And was it part of her plan for Johanna to nearly kill her? For that electric shock to paralyze her? To trigger the bombing?" I realize I’m actually on the verge of screaming. "She didn't know, Caesar! Neither of us knew anything except that we were trying to keep each other alive!"  
At my outburst I see the shock in Caesars face. He places his hand on my chest carefully.  
"Okay, Peeta, I believe you." He says gently.  
"Okay." I say and pull away from him. Distressed I run my hands through my hair and slump back into the chair. The adrenaline slowly fades away, leaving me exhausted.  
Caesar is looking at me, waiting for me to calm down probably. Then he says, "What about your mentor, Haymitch Abernathy?"  
Reminding me of Haymitch again hardens my face."I don't know what Haymitch knew."  
"Could he have been part of the conspiracy?" asks Caesar.  
"He never mentioned it," I say.  
But Caesar wants to hear more. "What does your heart tell you?"  
"That I shouldn't have trusted him," I say. "That's all."

At this Caesar leans forward and pats my shoulder. "We can stop now if you want," he says.  
"Was there more to discuss?" I say sarcastically. I know he’s playing it, he knows as well as I do that we have to talk about the cease fire.  
"I was going to ask your thoughts on the war, but if you're too upset..." Caesar hesitates.  
"Oh, I'm not too upset to answer that." I take a breath and think about what Antonius said. Do it right, and she will live. With that thought at the back of my mind I look straight into the camera. "I want everyone watching - whether you're on the Capitol or the rebel side - to stop for just a moment and think about what this war could mean. For human beings. We almost went extinct fighting one another before. Now our numbers are even fewer. Our conditions more tenuous. Is this really what we want to do? Kill ourselves off completely? In the hopes that - what? Some decent species will inherit the smoking remains of the earth?"  
"I don't really...I'm not sure I'm following..." says Caesar.  
"We can't fight one another, Caesar," I explain to him. "There won't be enough of us left to keep going. If everybody doesn't lay down their weapons - and I mean, as in very soon - it's all over, anyway."  
"So...you're calling for a cease fire?" Caesar asks.  
"Yes. I'm calling for a cease fire," I say. "Now why don't we ask the guards to take me back to my quarters so I can build another hundred card houses?" I sigh and wonder if I’ve given away too much, if I’ve gone too far. And if I have, will I pay for it?  
Caesar nods and turns to the camera. "All right. I think that wraps it up. So back to our regularly scheduled programming."

The camera’s are turned off and Saria arrives at my side again. “You did great, Peeta” says Caesar just before she takes me away.  
She brings me back to my cell where a bowl of broth awaits for me. It’s the first thing I’ve eaten since the bread this morning. While I let the hot broth slide down my throat I wonder what will happen to me now. I did the interview. Have I outlived my use already or will they keep me alive for a while longer?  
The door opens and Antonius walks in.  
“You did a fine job.” He says smiling. Then he lifts his fist and hits me in my face.


	2. Death before my eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta gets tortured by Antonius. He finds out there are people in the adjoining cells. Johanna Mason and Annie Cresta. Then at the end of the chapter there is death before his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: there is explicit violence and torture in this chapter.   
> Disclaimer: I don't own the Hunger Games: Mockingjay.  
> This chapter is inspired by the song 'Whisper' from Evanescence. Here is a link if you want to listen to it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dcJUNajLMYA

"Whisper"  
\- Evanescence

Catch me as I fall  
Say you're here and it's all over now  
Speaking to the atmosphere  
No one's here and I fall into myself  
This truth drives me  
Into madness  
I know I can stop the pain  
If I will it all away  
If I will it all away

Don't turn away  
(Don't give in to the pain)  
Don't try to hide  
(Though they're screaming your name)  
Don't close your eyes  
(God knows what lies behind them)  
Don't turn out the light  
(Never sleep never die)

I'm frightened by what I see  
But somehow I know  
That there's much more to come  
Immobilized by my fear  
And soon to be  
Blinded by tears  
I can stop the pain  
If I will it all away  
If I will it all away

Fallen angels at my feet  
Whispered voices at my ear  
Death before my eyes  
Lying next to me I fear  
She beckons me  
Shall I give in  
Upon my end shall I begin  
Forsaking all I've fallen for  
I rise to meet the end

Servatis a periculum [save us from danger].  
Servatis a maleficum [save us from evil].

The immense force of his fist against my jaw sends me flying through the room. I land on the ground and crawl up, covering my head with my arms.   
Antonius walks in my direction and I feel the impact of his boot against my back as he starts kicking me over and over again. My jaw seems to be burning, the pain overwhelming and it almost blacks me out. My eye is welt shut and I’m thinking my cheekbone might be broken.  
While he keeps lashing out on me Antonius is shouting, “What the hell was that, huh? What did you do?”  
He doesn’t give me a moment to answer his question, although I don’t get what he means. What did I do wrong? I called for a cease fire. Didn’t I?

“You’re a useless piece of shit, that’s what you are. Useless.” He keeps ramming his boots into my legs, my back, and my head. “I hope you know your family is dead and your friends too. All of them burned to death. Everything turned to ashes! All of District Twelve gone!” He screams.   
My entire body hurts from the unexpected assault. Antonius keeps screaming but I have trouble with completely comprehending what he says because the pain demands my attention. It is difficult to listen to someone when you’re beaten to pulp at the same time.  
“And don’t think we can’t do the same with Thirteen. We will kill her too, you know. We’ll capture her first and then kill her in front of your eyes. Force you to watch it.”  
A last kick against my head makes me see stars running in circles before my eyes and then everything grows black.

Screams, loud screams fill my dreams. Katniss screaming for me at the lightning tree. Johanna is screaming too. Everything hurts. Slowly I’m regaining consciousness and with it the pain increases. The screaming doesn’t stop. There are straps around my body, binding me to a bed. I’m confused, because I thought the screams were part of my dreams but they continue, on and on. And I recognize the voice now. It’s Johanna. And she’s close too. I lift my head and look around. I’m still in my own white cell, trapped on my bed. It is empty except for the chair and the table, with the deck of cards Darius gave me still lying upon it.

She must be in the cell next to mine, because the sound is so loud and close by. As I strain my ears I hear other sounds too. Footsteps walking around. A sound of something sizzling, like electricity hitting water. Are they electrocuting her? I hear a voice barking, it must be Antonius. He’s talking loud so if I listen very carefully I might understand what he’s saying. The pain in my cheekbone is distracting me from it, but still I can make out a few words.

“Who was in on it?” He says. There is no answer, another sizzling sound, more screaming.  
“If you don’t answer the question, I will elevate the voltage. You’re going to enjoy that.”   
Now I hear a soft mumbling as an answer. I didn’t quite catch it but it sounded something like “go ahead.”   
The following sounds indicate that I’m right. Sizzling, louder screams. Antonius is yelling now. “Give me an answer. Who. Was. In. On. It?”  
Time passes and the screams go on and on. They make me sick to my stomach. When the ear-piercing sounds finally stop I wonder if she’s still alive. Maybe just knocked out like I was yesterday? There is no way to tell.  
The footsteps recede and finally die away. In the silence that follows I notice the rumbling in my stomach. I’m starving. There has been no one in my room since Antonius kicked me into unconsciousness. No sign of Darius or anyone else to give me food.   
I know time ticks away, because that’s what time usually does. But there is nothing that indicates it. The light in my room is always the same artificial light. No one enters to bring me food or beat me up some more. If they leave me lying like this for long, I’ll die of dehydration in just a couple of days. Already my mouth feels dry and I have trouble swallowing. 

Sounds come from the adjoining room. Johanna must have regained consciousness. I want to talk to her, ask her how she’s feeling. Will anyone hear us if we talk? It seems like we’re deserted. No one’s here. We’re left alone. “Johanna” I say in a hushed voice. It’s not loud enough to pierce through the walls so I say it again, a little louder this time. “Johanna! Are you there?”  
This time there’s a reply. A soft mumbling comes through the walls.  
“Are you okay?” I ask.  
This time I hear her voice loud and clear. “Couldn’t be better.” She says, “Electrocution is my favorite method of torture.”   
“What do they want from us?” I ask.  
“Information. About the rebellion,” she answers. “Something you don’t have.”  
“What about you?” I say.  
“I’m not saying anything,” she says.  
“But what do you know?” I ask after a long silence. “Do you know anything about Katniss? Where is she?”  
“I know as much as you do, Peeta. She’s probably in Thirteen.” Johanna sounds impatient.   
“Is she safe in Thirteen?” I say.  
“Saver than you are.” Johanna answers. 

Portia had said the same. Katniss is safe and I am not. Despite the pain I’m glad about that. But also extremely worried. Because these residents of District Thirteen, who are these people? And can they be trusted? I for one don’t trust them for a second. Staying under the radar for seventy five years and now, all of the sudden, they show up. And for what? To watch the other districts get bombed by the Capitol while they lay back and do nothing. I hope Katniss sees this too, that she’s not blinded by her safety and careful about whom she trusts. 

Katniss. Is she thinking about me now? Is she worried about me? She must be. It was her dying wish to save me and she couldn’t do it. I’m sure she knows I’m held by the Capitol. Maybe she saw the interview with Caesar. If she did, she saw me in those nice clothes, all groomed and polished. So she knows I’m doing okay and also that I’m still bound on protecting her. She doesn’t know about the beating. And the lack of water, which is getting really painful. That might mean she’s not as worried as she could be. Maybe she’ll believe they leave me alone because I didn’t know anything about the rebels’ plan. I hope she does. What use is it for her to know I’m being tortured? It will only cause her more pain. 

More pain than she already has. Because there is plenty of pain left. District Twelve is gone. Antonius told me everyone is dead. There were rumors that some people escaped. But they’re nothing more than rumors. I know there was a bombing. So I have to consider the probability that everyone is dead. Everyone.   
My father, my mother, Brannick, Rye.   
Nick, Sams, Elgort, Delly.   
Mrs. Everdeen, Prim.   
The idea of Prim burned to death brings tears to my eyes and they spill over too. I’m not able to move to wipe them away, so they fall down my temples in my ears. The pain I feel at the loss of my loved ones is so much worse than the pain in my cheek. I’m trying not to sob, but it’s coming anyways. Loud noises escape my throat and my nose starts running now.

After a while I suddenly hear a voice through the wall, coming from my other side.  
“Who is there?” It’s a woman’s voice. Soft and kind. “Why are you crying?”  
“Because they killed my family,” I answer through my tears.  
“I know.” The voice answers. “They killed my family too. And Finnick’s.”   
Finnick’s? This woman knows Finnick. It must be Annie Cresta then.   
“Are you Annie?” I ask.   
“Yes,” she says in a choked voice.  
“Why are you here? Did they take you from Four?”   
“They did, just after the arena exploded. I know Finnick is in Thirteen and still alive. At least, that’s what I’m hoping for. I’m not…” She stops talking mid sentence.  
“You’re not what?” I ask, concerned.  
“I’m not sure,” she answers. After a short silence she starts speaking again. “Why are you here?”  
“They took me out of the arena. Me and Johanna.” I say. “I’m Peeta, by the way.”  
About two minutes pass before she replies again. “Oh yes, I remember you. You’re one of the star crossed lovers.”  
“I am.” I say with a small smile, thinking of the title Katniss and I share. “I’m glad the walls are thin. I felt so alone.”   
“Me too,” Annie says. “But I could also hear you scream, two days ago. That wasn’t so nice.” 

Two days. So it has been two days since Antonius beat me. And no food and water since. How long will it take before they will come to me again? And if they do, what means of torment will they bring?  
“I’m sorry,” I tell Annie.  
“It’s not your fault.” She just says. She sounds tired and scared too. I’m racking my brain to ask her something to distract her from her current situation.  
“So, Finnick huh,” I say, “I didn’t know about you two! How did that happen?”  
I hear a giggle on the other side of the wall. Good. Again it takes a couple of minutes before I hear her voice. “He was my mentor in my Games. After I survived them he helped me. I went to live next to him in the Victor’s Village of District Four. It’s nice there, it’s next to the ocean and there’s a beach too. We went swimming a lot. Diving for oysters.”  
She paints a nice picture, distracting me from my thirst, the growling in my stomach and my painful cheek. I can see them swimming in my mind’s eye. Finnick making those weird corkscrew motions. Annie splashing around in the water. It makes me smile.  
“We fell in love.” Annie continues, “we got engaged just before they told us about the Quell. We wanted to get married. Although Snow would never approve.”

Her story sounds almost like the opposite of my own. Katniss and I were supposed to get married, because Snow wanted it. But we weren’t in love. At least, she wasn’t. Suddenly I’m thinking about the Quell. Her uncontrollable sobbing after I hit the force field. Our amazing kiss at the beach. I do, I need you. Her words resonate in my ears. It makes me realize again that she does love me. I’m not sure, not a hundred percent sure, but I feel it in my heart. The tears start rolling from my eyes again. Because she did love me, but it’s too late now. We’ll never see each other again. I don’t have any hopes about getting out of here alive. 

Annie stays quiet and from Johanna’s side there are no sounds either. They’re probably asleep. I doze off too, thinking about how oblivion is bliss.   
Not long after I fall asleep the door to my cell opens and I’m shaken awake. The pain in my body reminds me of the beating I got a couple of days ago. I open my eyes and see the hated face of Antonius above me.

“Good morning,” he says and splashes a glass of water in my face. It’s cold and it startles me but I’m quick to lick off my lips and swallow a few drops of it. Antonius sees it too.  
“Aaah,” he says in a patronizing tone, “Are you thirsty? I have something here that will help you with that!” He takes off the straps from my bed. Then he hauls me up and places me in the chair. There’s a container filled with water standing in front of me. Before I can think about what that means I feel his hand on my neck and he pushes my face under water. “Drink!” he shouts.  
I do drink, because I’m so thirsty. But the water is everywhere, in my eyes, my ears, and my nose. I can’t breathe. The water is choking me and I start coughing. Black spots are swimming before my eyes. The heavy weight of Antonius’ hand on my neck prevents me from coming back up and my body starts squirming involuntarily. After about a minute of this he pulls me back up. I’m gasping for air while the water drips onto the white clothes. Still the same ones I wore for the interview. 

“Now, you are going to tell me exactly about this rebellion of yours.” Antonius says.   
“I don’t know anything about a rebellion.” I say, while I’m coughing the water out of my lungs.  
“Ah, ah,” he’s shaking his index finger at me as if I’m five years old. “That’s not what I want to hear.”  
“But it’s the truth. You want me to lie?” I ask.  
“If I were you, I’d be a little more careful about my use of words.” He says.  
I know it’s not a smart move, but I can’t resist a witty comment. “But you’re not me.” I say.  
At this Antonius pushes my head in the water again. The same thing happens. At first I try drinking, but it doesn’t help. I start coughing again and when he pulls me back up I vomit bile in the water.  
“Oh that’s just great,” Antonius says. “You just spoiled your water. So this is how you treat Capitol charity? We give you water and you spit in it.”  
He reminds me of my mother. She could be just as unreasonable when she was in one of her bad moods. The memory makes me sigh. Antonius stares at me, a vicious look gleams in his eyes.  
“Okay, once again. I’m going to ask you a question. And you better answer it.” At this he kicks me hard in my shin and I scream out because of the pain.  
“Good, I have your attention.” He says. I nod while tears are blurring my vision.

“Tell me, Peeta. What was going on in that arena? Who was behind it? How did you know what to do?” He says.  
Despair is boiling up in me because I don’t know the answer to these questions. I shake my head and he kicks me again.   
“And what about the bread?” Antonius continues. “It was some sort of code, what was it?”   
The bread. I remember Finnick counting it obsessively, at that point I had the suspicion that there was something going on with the bread. But I didn’t know and I still don’t. I have no choice but to say that I have no idea.   
Antonius keeps asking the same questions over and over again, and I keep saying that I don’t know. At this he either kicks me or pushes my head in the container. After hours of screaming and coughing and vomiting more bile I’m so exhausted that I can’t sit upright anymore. My throat is so sore that I’m unable to make any sound.   
At some point Antonius gets up and just walks away. He’s probably hungry or tired, even though I can’t imagine someone as inhuman as him being capable of having human needs. 

When the door closes behind me I’m finally able to relax my muscles and with that I fall from the chair. Lying on the ground is fine for now. Once I get more strength I’ll go to the bed. At least, that is what I tell myself. For now the ground will do.  
“Peeta!” Johanna’s voice reaches me through the wall. “Are you still alive?”   
I can’t speak, my voice is entirely gone. So instead I pound my fist on the ground, indicating I’m still here.  
“You can’t talk?” Johanna says. “Did they cut out your tongue?”  
How can I answer that if I can’t talk? Fortunately, Johanna reaches this conclusion as well. “Knock once for yes and twice for no, okay?” She says.  
I knock once. “Okay! Now did they cut out your tongue?” she asks again.  
This time I reply with two knocks. “So you’ll be able to talk again later?”   
Again I pound once. “Good. Now get some rest, okay. You’ll be fine. We’re going to make it through this.” She says.   
I pound once, even though I don’t believe a word she says. I am grateful though, that she’s trying to make me feel better. I should do the same, try to make myself feel better. My father told me once that we could will it away, the pain. I was really sick and in a lot of pain when he came to my bed and told me that. You can stop the pain if you will it all away. Somehow it helped, willing the pain away. So I’m trying it again, willing the pain away. And it helps again, because I fall asleep on the cold floor, leaving this world behind and embracing the darkness.

After this horrible day I lose track of time. I’m still not able to tell whether it’s night or day. The light never changes. Johanna’s torturing goes on at my left side. Annie, on the right, is left alone. She talks to me sometimes, through the wall, but not often. Some days I hear her talk to someone else. I think it’s Finnick she’s talking to, because she keeps referring to him as ‘my baby.’ This talking indicates to me that she’s not mentally stable, but that’s something I already know. At least they’re not torturing her, because I don’t hear any screaming from her side. She does cry a lot.  
In the meantime my torture goes on. Sometimes Antonius comes in and does nothing, he just stands there and looks at me. It makes me terrified. Other days he brings someone to help him beat me up. One day he brought a belt to hit me with. He strapped me to the bed and stripped off my clothes. That day I lost consciousness and Johanna told me later that she was really scared I was dead after that, because I didn’t reply to her for two days.

Days turn into weeks. The torture and interrogation continues. We’re scarcely fed. I start to notice I’m losing a lot of weight. The clothes I wore for the interview don’t fit anymore. When we do get something to eat, it’s mostly Darius who brings the food. Sometimes the other redheaded avox, the one who waited on Katniss and me before both of our Games, waits on me. Dry bread, sometimes a bit of broth or porridge. I find out her name is Lavinia. She always smiles at me encouragingly and touches my arm in a gentle manner. Her visits soothe me, however short they are.

Then one day both Darius and Lavinia enter my room. Antonius follows them and gives me a menacing smile. “I’ve got something to show you, and I’ve brought the redheads with me,” he starts. Behind him two other attendants enter the room. One of them I recognize from earlier beatings. He carries in an extra chair. The other attendant brings a machine with him and starts attaching wires to Lavinia’s back. Her eyes grow wide with fear as he rips off her shirt.  
“What are you doing?” I ask in shock. “She didn’t do anything.”  
“She’s a traitor, just like you.” Antonius says.  
“Rufus, Marcus, let’s get started on the redheads.” He nods to the other two men. Marcus binds Lavinia to the chair he brought with him. The machine stands right next to it. Rufus binds Darius’s hands behind his back and makes him stand against the wall. Then he turns to me and binds me to the bed. Antonius nods approvingly and switches the machine on.   
“Here’s the deal, dear Peeta,” he says, “If you just answer the question, she’s going to be fine. So here we go. Who of your alliance in the Quarter Quell was part of the rebellion?”  
“Finnick, Beetee.” I say instantly. “Please leave her alone.”  
“Give her twenty volt.” Antonius says.  
“No,” I yell, but Marcus already turns on the voltage. Lavinia screams loudly and then collapses in the chair.  
“What did you do, I said twenty volt!” Antonius shouts at Marcus.  
Marcus starts stammering. “I… I did use twenty.” They both look at the machine. “This says 220. You idiot!” Antonius checks Lavinia’s pulse at her wrist. “You killed the redhead.” He says to Marcus. At this Darius gives a moan and I see tears falling on his cheeks.

There’s death before my eyes.  
It’s not the first time I’ve seen someone die.  
Every single time is awful.   
Every time it’s worse than before.  
I don’t know how much more of this I can take.  
Catch me as I fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was so difficult and intense to write this chapter. All the pain and horrible stuff happening. It wasn't easy. To speak with Evanescence again:  
> I'm frightened by what I see  
> But somehow I know  
> That there's much more to come...
> 
> Love to hear what you thought of it.


	3. Propos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta is getting so much to endure and then he has to give another interview. Can he hang on? Can he survive this dark hour?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: explicit torture and violence in this chapter. Including minor character death.  
> Disclaimer: I do not own Mockingjay

“Our solemn hour”  
\- Within Temptation

"In my darkest hours, I could not foresee  
That the tide could turn so fast to this degree  
Can't believe my eyes, how can you be so blind?  
Is the heart of stone, no empathy inside?

Time keeps on slipping away and we haven't learned  
So in the end now what have we gained?

Sanctus Espiritus, redeem us from our solemn hour  
Sanctus Espiritus, insanity is all around us  
Sanctus Espiritus, is this what we deserve?  
Can we break free from chains of never ending agony?"

Lavinia lies lifeless in the chair before me. Antonius furiously kicks her against her legs. It makes the chair tip over. When she hits the ground we can hear her skull crack. Her head falls backwards and lifeless eyes stare at the white ceiling. Darius is sobbing, trying to be soundless, but because he’s an avox he’s having trouble with it. As I watch him I see the difficulty he has with swallowing and keeping his tears back. 

Antonius is shouting at Marcus and starts ripping off the wires from Lavinia’s back. Then he turns to Darius. “Come here,” he barks at him.  
“No!” I yell again. “Stop it! Leave him alone.”  
Antonius glares at me and takes Darius by his arm. He pushes him onto the chair and then comes towards me. He lifts his fist and I dive away on instinct. His fist hits me between the shoulder blades and I scream in pain. He is so unbelievably strong and hits with such force. Every impact his fists make with my body is hurting, especially because I’m already so sore and bruised.

“Now, I won’t say it again Peeta. If you want this guy to live than stop interrupting me and let me do my job.” Antonius speaks in a low, threatening voice. “Since you’re not of any help and neither is your precious friend, Johanna, I’m going to see what this redhead can tell us about the treachery. You know what they say: treachery runs deep.” He starts laughing hard. Then he turns around and nods at Rufus. Rufus walks out of the door and comes back a few seconds later with a big box in his hands.  
“Give it to me,” Antonius says. Rufus puts the box in front of Antonius, who opens it and starts searching. He throws out a variety of tools that scatter on the ground. Different kinds of knifes and other objects. All of them intended for causing damage.

He takes out some kind of shiny instrument. They look like wire cutters but the way they reflect the cold light of my cell makes them appear more menacing. “This will do just fine.” He says.  
This will not end well. Darius will die just as Lavinia did. But this time Marcus isn’t the one in charge. Antonius is. And he won’t give him 220 volt by mistake. Instead he takes Darius’s hand and places it on the table. “Redhead, tell me, what do you know about the alliance in the arena? Who was part of it?” Darius, who is of course unable to talk, makes a noise in his throat and shakes his head.  
“What? You don’t know?” Antonius says. “I don’t believe you though. I believe that you do know.”  
He takes Darius’s thumb in his hand and places it between the wire cutter’s blades. “Let me ask you again. Listen very carefully now. Who was part of that alliance?” Antonius fixes his eyes on me, a sinister look in them. Making sure I’m fully aware of what’s happening in front of me.

Darius shakes his head again, more desperately now. At this Antonius cuts off his thumb. It happened so fast that I didn’t even see the movement. But the sound of the crushed bones and Darius’s terrible moaning rings in my ears. His blood pours over the pure white table and drips on the floor. I look away while tears are streaming down my cheeks.  
Antonius looks up and nods at Rufus. “Hold his head.” He says, “Make sure he sees this. This is an important lesson.”

Rufus stands behind me and holds my head in place. I close my eyes and try to drown out the noise as well. But then I think of Darius. Who is being tortured for my sake. Who’s suffering because he knows me. He will die an awful death and the least I can do is look at him and let him know he’s not alone. So I look up and stare at him, willing him to look at me. It’s almost as if he hears me because instantly he lifts his head. His brown eyes fixate on me while Antonius continues his questioning. He can’t answer him and every time he shakes his head Antonius cuts off another finger. I flinch when it happens, as if I feel the pain myself. The whole room smells like blood and it’s forming a big pool under the table. Darius keeps making excruciating noises. But his eyes stay focused on me and there is no accusation in them. 

After Antonius finishes cutting of all his fingers he continues with his toes. At this rate it will take forever for Darius to finally bleed out. I wish I could do something to ease his suffering, but all I can do is stare him in the eye. Hours pass. Hours of tears and blood and those horrible sounds coming from Darius’s throat. Antonius keeps questioning him, shouting at him, insulting him and laughing at him. Rufus and Marcus join in as well. After what seems like forever Darius finally loses consciousness. “Now it’s not fun anymore,” Antonius says and with one cut he slices open Darius’s throat. “There, that’s done. Now he’s really a redhead, you see. All red!” Antonius laughs and then adds, “You have to imagine the sound of cannon, though. I don’t have it here.”  
I am relieved that Darius’s suffering is finally over and at the same time I feel so sad. Another innocent life lost because of me. Another name to add to the list of people whose deaths I’ve been responsible for. 

Antonius lets out a hearty laugh and his two helpers join in. “Well, I’ve had enough for today. Let’s go eat.” Antonius says to the others. They get up, start putting all the tools back in the box and leave me with the two dead bodies. I’m tied to the bed. Not able to lay down or get up. I don’t even have the possibility to go to Lavinia and close her eyes. Instead all I can do is just sit there and stare at the bloodstained tiles. In my darkest hour I didn’t foresee this happening. I can’t believe my eyes.

“Peeta!” Johanna’s voice reaches me through the walls. “Are you still there? What happened?”  
“I’m here.” Is all I can say and my voice chokes.  
“Are you okay?” she asks.  
“No.” I answer and I collapse into silence. I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to do anything. I want to stop existing. I want to break free from this chain of never ending agony. But my lungs keep on sucking in air and my heart keeps beating. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. No way to take my own life so that this suffering can end. Instead I try to focus on positive things. Bringing back happy memories. That day on the roof with Katniss. How long ago was that? I don’t know how long I’ve been in here. It must be more than a month now. I close my eyes, drown out my surroundings and picture Katniss in front of me. Her lips on mine, her hand in my hair. Her body pressed against me like that evening on the beach. All the love I feel for her I poured out on that night. And all I want now is to feel it again, to feel her again. To have her here with me.

No, I don’t want that. I don’t want her here. She needs to be in a place where she’s safe. Hidden away where no one can touch her or do her harm. There’s one reason for me to keep on living. I need to know if she’s okay. If she will outlive this war and live a life of peace after it. With her mother and sister, if they’re still alive.  
If only I could know that, than I would be in peace. Even though my circumstances are this horrible. 

Time keeps on slipping away and nothing else happens. Lavinia and Darius are still in my cell with me. Their bodies are giving off this awful smell. No one takes them away and no one comes to bring me anything to drink or eat. I’m okay with that. I don’t care about drinking or eating anymore, even though my throat hurts and my lips are cracked from dehydration.  
In the room next to me the screaming starts again. It’s Johanna’s turn. I know she’s in pain but I’m too far gone to feel anything. The only thing I feel is a nervous tremor in my hand. No matter how still I try to sit, my hand keeps shivering against its will. Insanity is all around me. Is this what we deserved?

I’m starting to fall in and out of consciousness. I vaguely register that the screaming has stopped in Johanna’s room. From Annie’s room I haven’t heard anything for a long time now. Maybe they have taken her away or even killed her without me noticing it. I can’t remember any noise coming from her room but it could’ve happened when I was unconscious.  
When the door opens I’m startled awake. A few attendants walk in with white plastic body bags. They remove Darius and Lavinia’s bodies and scrub the floor as well. Someone sweeps with a broom to collect all the cut off body parts. Just before they’re finished another avox enters with a plate filled with bread and a can of water. They untie me and directly after that they leave the room again. No one spoke even one word. 

Now that I’m untied I slowly get up. Every inch of my body hurts from sitting too long in the same position. I can’t get my artificial leg to cooperate so I fall on the now clean floor. Slowly I crawl up and steady myself with the chair. I slump into it and take the can of water, put it to my mouth and drink until it’s almost finished. Then I start on the bread. It’s dry and it tastes awful. With a yearning I think about our bakery, the amazing smell of fresh bread in the morning. Kneading the dough together with my father. Helping my mother ice the cakes. They are all gone. My parents, my brothers. We’re not sure, nobody is. But Twelve has been bombed and I’ll probably never see them again.

Not long after I finished the meal the door opens and Portia walks in. She claps her hand on her mouth when she sees me. “Oh Peeta.” She walks towards me and lays her hand carefully on my shoulder. Even though she’s being gentle I wince under her touch. “Are you in a lot of pain?” she asks. I just nod a little, not knowing how to answer this question. She takes the other chair, the one in which Lavinia died, and sits next to me.  
“Why are you here?” I choke out the words.  
“They need you to do another interview.” She says.  
“Forget about it, I’m not doing anything.” I say.  
“Peeta, honey,” she says, “You don’t have a choice, you’re their prisoner.”  
“But I can refuse, they can’t make me.” I say, “I don’t want to. I want them to leave me alone and let me die.”

At this the tears well up in Portia’s eyes. “I know,” she says softly, “But I do think it’s best if you cooperate. There are rumors out that there’s a video of Katniss.”  
“What?” I sit straight up in my chair at the sound of her name. “What do you mean?”  
“The rebels are making video’s, propaganda shots for the people in the districts. They call them propos,” Portia explains. “They use them to promote their cause.”  
“And Katniss is in these propos?” I ask.  
“Yes, they believe she is. She’s fighting for the rebels.” Portia says.  
I shake my head. Even though this terrible government needs to be overthrown, I don’t want Katniss to be at the heart of this war. And who are these people that are using her for this? I can’t believe Katniss would want to be in those propos. She hates cameras and scripts. It is the hypocrisy of the Capitol. It’s fake. And now the rebels are doing the same thing. Using her for their cause like the Capitol used us. It’s another Game but she’s still a pawn.  
“I don’t like it,” I tell Portia. “They’re using her.”  
“It’s for a good cause, Peeta.” Portia whispers.  
“How do you even know that?” I ask. “Who are these people in Thirteen? And Plutarch is in on it too, right? This was probably his idea.”

I look around my room, thinking it’s probably bugged. Maybe talking about the rebellion with Portia isn’t a good idea. If someone overhears us, and I think they do, they’ll probably kill her next. So I decide to drop the subject. I’m considering telling her about Darius and Lavinia but decide against it, she’s probably better off not knowing.  
“So I have to do an interview?” I ask her instead.  
“Yes,” she nods, “And maybe you can say something to Katniss. You have power once the cameras are on you. Use it.”  
“Okay.” I say, “I will.”  
“Good,” Portia says, “Now come with me. We have to do your measurements for the interview.”

An attendant enters and puts the cuffs on me again, the same ones I had on for the first interview. Portia and I walk through the halls and take the elevator to another floor. She leads me to a big room with racks of clothing in it. A large table filled with papers and sewing machines cover one half of the room. The other half has a mirrored wall with comfortable chairs in front of it.  
Portia helps me to undress and takes my measurements. “You lost so much weight.” She comments.  
“How much time has passed since the first interview?” I ask.  
“About five weeks.” She says.  
“And how are things in the country, I don’t hear anything, except accusations.” I say.  
“Almost all the districts are at war with the Capitol, except District Two. There’s been a shortage of food here. People are stockpiling. There’s been a run on fresh meat and vegetables a couple of weeks ago. Now you can’t get fresh food anywhere. The stores only sell canned food nowadays.”

Portia talks more about shortages and reports on television. Twelve is burning. Officially everybody died, but there are rumors that some survived. No one knows how and how many and where they are now. “My family,” I whisper, “And my friends.”  
Portia shakes her head. “I can’t tell you anything about them. Everything we hear is still rumors. Nothing has been verified. Not yet, at least.”  
There’s a knock on the door and my prep team enters. “We’re here!” Sensa says enthusiastically. But when she sees me the laughter drains from her face. “Peeta!” She exclaims, “What happened?”  
Josius scowls at her and says uncharacteristically, “Shut up, Sensa.”  
They all look at me in total shock. Josius is the first to approach me and he touches my arm. “Does this hurt?” he asks.  
“A little bit.” I say, “But I’ll be fine.”  
“What’s wrong with your hand?” Morna asks.  
I look down at my right hand which is shaking uncontrollably. “I don’t know,” I say, “I can’t stop it from doing that.”  
“It’s probably shock.” Josius explains to Morna, who nods. They all look very serious now. He’s right, it is shock. I feel shocked. Shocked by all the torture, the deaths of Lavinia and Darius. Being sleep deprived, hungry and thirsty all the time. And now this news about Katniss being used in propos. I suddenly feel the energy seep out of me and I collapse to the floor.  
Sensa squeaks at my sudden fall. Josius jumps forwards and helps me into a chair. “Just sit here and let us take care of you for a while, okay.” He says gently. “The interview isn’t until this afternoon, so we have time to relax a little bit.”  
At this Morna turns around and leaves the room. “I’m going to bring in some food,” she says over her shoulder. I make a vague gesture with my hand, indicating I don’t want anything, but she’s already left the room. “Let’s find him something comfortable to wear for now,” Portia says to Sensa and they both start searching through the racks of clothes. All the while Josius stays at my side and gives me little sips of water from a glass.

Morna returns with bread and meat and a bowl filled with fresh fruit. Something that must have been hard to come by, since Portia just told me there is almost no fresh food left in the Capitol. They try to feed me a bit, but my stomach is hurting and I feel nauseated so it takes a real effort to swallow anything.  
“You need to eat something, Peeta,” Sensa says, “Otherwise you’ll die.”  
“Oh I wouldn’t mind dying,” I reply. Sensa lets out a nervous laughter until she realizes I’m actually serious. Then she shakes her head. “Don’t say that.” Is all she says.  
The food and the warmth in this room make me doze off. After an hour or so Josius tenderly wakes me. “We have to get you ready for the interview.” He explains when I stare in his eyes in bewilderment. “We already put some make-up on you while you were asleep but you need more. And Portia has altered the clothes so they are ready."

My entire prep team help me get dressed and then they cover me in a layer of make-up. “It’s impossible to cover the bags under his eyes.” Morna says.  
“It’s okay,” Portia says, “People can see them so they know about his dire circumstances.”  
At this remark I look at Portia and shake my head. “Be careful, Portia. They might arrest you like they did Cinna.” I say. “You’re too rebellious.”  
“Don’t worry about me, Peeta.” Portia says and she touches my cheek.  
“I do, though,” I say, “I worry about you, I worry about everybody.”  
“But it’s no use,” Portia says, “You’re not helping anyone with worrying about them.”  
“It’s all I can do, though,” I sigh.

The door opens and an attendant enters with a note about what I should say at the interview. Portia takes it and reads it to me. President Snow wants me to share my opinion on Katniss’s cooperation with the rebels and of course I still have to promote a cease fire in this opinion. That’s all they want in this interview. “That should be easy enough,” I say.  
My prep team is done and Saria, the attendant who was there at my first interview, comes to collect me and bring me to the stage. She helps me in the chair and comments on my shaking hand. “I can’t help it,” I say, “It won’t stop trembling.”  
“Then try a little harder,” she says, “Because it looks ridiculous.” At this she walks away and leaves me alone on the stage.

Caesar comes in not long after that and shakes my hand lightly. “Hello, Peeta. Are you ready?” If he sees my deteriorated state he doesn’t let it show. He takes his seat and a handful of people come into the room to film the interview.  
The director counts backwards, indicating when the show must start. When he’s done Caesar begins his enthusiastic greeting to the crowds. Then he turns to me and smiles encouragingly. “So, Peeta. Good to see you again. How have you been?”  
I almost burst out laughing at his question, but I manage to keep a straight face. “Fine,” I answer solemnly.  
“How about this weather huh,” Caesar says, “It’s supposed to be fall but it still feels like summer outside.”  
“Yes,” I say flatly, “The summer takes its time this year.”  
“It sure does.” Caesar agrees. We used to have an easy banter between us, but I can’t bring that up anymore. So instead an awkward silence follows.  
“Okay, well, let’s talk about what’s really on our minds though.” He looks to the camera attentively. “Word is that there are propos made with Katniss Everdeen in them. She’s taping them for the districts.” He tells the camera in a serious tone. Then he turns towards me and asks, “Tell me, Peeta. What do you make of that? What does it tell you?”  
"They're using her, obviously," I say. "To whip up the rebels. I doubt she even really knows what's going on in the war. What's at stake."

My mind goes to Katniss, all the way in District Thirteen. Does she have any idea, I wonder. Any idea of how many people died, how this war works and if the people in Thirteen are even to be trusted.  
"Is there anything you'd like to tell her?" Caesar interrupts my thoughts.  
"There is," I say. This is the moment to warn her, to use this limited power that I have here. So I look up, straight into the camera’s, imagining her looking at me and listening to what I have to say. "Don't be a fool, Katniss. Think for yourself. They've turned you into a weapon that could be instrumental in the destruction of humanity.” I say intently. “If you've got any real influence, use it to put the brakes on this thing. Use it to stop the war before it's too late. Ask yourself, do you really trust the people you're working with? Do you really know what's going on? And if you don't...find out."


	4. I'm going under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the interview with Caesar, Peeta is transported to another building where someone named Marzia introduces him to new ways of torture. His memory is going to be altered...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: No explicit torture anymore, but now a lot of fear replaces that.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own Mockingjay

“Going under”  
– Evanescence

'Now I will tell you what I've done for you -  
50 thousand tears I've cried.  
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -  
And you still won't hear me  
Don't want your hand this time - I'll save myself.  
Maybe I'll wake up for once  
Not tormented daily defeated by you  
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom

I dive again

I'm going under  
Drowning in you  
I'm falling forever  
I've got to break through  
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies.  
So I don't know what's real and what's not  
Always confusing the thoughts in my head  
So I can't trust myself anymore

So go on and scream  
Scream at me I'm so far away  
I won't be broken again  
I've got to breathe - I can't keep going under'

“That’s a wrap.” The director says from behind the camera’s. “Good job, people.”  
Saria is instantly at my side and takes my arm. “You have to come with me now.” She says and urges me from the stage. There she puts my cuffs back on and leads me away.  
We walk through the halls and take the elevator to the ground floor. Then Saria takes me outside where a car is waiting for us. For a moment I’m blinded by the bright sun, then I look up and watch the blue sky. It has been so long since I’ve seen the real sky. The last time was on the roof of the training center, with Katniss.  
I can’t enjoy it for long because a peacekeeper steps out of the car and pushes me roughly into the back seat. The windows are blacked out and there is some sort of screen between the back seat and the driver’s seat. This makes it impossible for me to see where we are or where we’re going. The drive takes about fifteen minutes. When the car stops another peacekeeper opens the door and I step outside. Saria is at my side again and ushers me into a large building.  
“Wait here,” she says when we enter the lobby. She takes a device out of her pocket and pushes some buttons on it. A light female voice reaches us through the device. “Is he here?”  
“Yes.” Saria answers.  
“I’ll come down.” the voice says and there’s a click indicating the connection ended.  
About two minutes later a tall dark haired woman comes out of the elevator and walks towards us. She reaches out her hand to me and I take it reluctantly.  
“Hello Peeta,” she says, “my name is Marzia. Come with me please.” She looks at Saria and nods. “Thank you, you can go now. I’ll call you when we’re done here.”  
With this Marzia walks back to the elevator and I follow her, a bit uncertain, not knowing what to expect.

We take the elevator to the seventh floor. Marzia talks to me the whole way there, about her career in the Capitol. How she first studied brainwaves in order to heal a certain disease. But then she got promoted to the department of security and now she’s been working on a special project for the government. I don’t see how working for security is considered a promotion, when she was working on healing diseases before. When the elevator opens she leads me to a big room. One wall is comprised of a giant television screen. A long row of tables, filled with computers occupies the other wall. There is a large chair in the middle of the room where Marzia tells me to sit. She binds a tight strap around my waist, making it impossible for me to move. It feels just as the chair inside the hovercraft, when I was lifted out of the arena. But this time my hands and feet are also tied to the chair. A big cap is attached to the headboard of the chair and Marzia places it on my head.  
“What does that do?” I ask her anxiously.  
“It will measure the activity of your brain.” Marzia replies. “I helped with building this machine. It can tell us exactly where all your memories are located and how to alter them.” She beams at me brightly while I stare back at her in shock.  
“You’re going to alter my memories?” I ask her.  
She laughs a high pitched laughter and shakes her head. “Don’t worry,” she says, “We’re not going to change all of them. Just a few.”  
“But what? Why?” I’m baffled and lost for words. It is mostly her attitude that disturbs me. She talks about it as if it’s not a big deal. As if my memories don’t make me who I am. And as if this whole thing is like a big game to her.

“We’ve been creating a new way of torture.” Marzia beams, “It’s going to be painless! No more beating, no more blood. This is much cleaner and that’s what we want.”  
At these words I start to panic. My breathing gets heavy and I turn my head from side to side, but I can’t move. “Please,” I plead, “Please don’t change my memories. Don’t make me forget who I am.”  
Marzia pats my arm reassuringly. “Don’t you worry about that, dear. We won’t make you forget who you are. What use would that be?” she says, “No, this has another purpose altogether.”  
“What’s the purpose?” I ask, “What are you going to do with me?”  
“I can’t tell you that, dear. But I will make you forget this conversation so you’re going to be fine. You won’t even know the difference.”  
“How do you know?” I’m almost screaming now, “Have you tried it before?”  
“Not me, no, but I build this machine so I know what it does.” She smiles at me reassuringly and I know this woman is absolutely crazy. “Now lie still, I’m calling the attendant for your shot.”  
“My shot?” I say and the panic grows bigger inside of me. This is not good, nothing good is going to happen now. As bad as those beatings were, physical pain is nothing new to me. But this, changing my memories, altering my brain, is a whole new kind of torture and it terrifies me.  
Marzia nods at me and pushes a button on the device in her hand. Almost immediately an attendant enters carrying a small suitcase. Marzia and the attendant walk to the tables behind me so it’s impossible to see what they’re doing. I hear them rummaging around and they talk in a soft voice to each other. I can’t understand what they’re saying though. 

After a while Marzia comes back to my chair and dabs my arm with antiseptics. “I’m going to insert you with this needle,” She tells me, “We will be sitting behind you to watch your brainwaves and maybe adjust some things. You just sit back and relax and enjoy the show!”  
“The show? What show?” I ask bewildered.  
“On the screen, right in front of you.” She says while she plunges the needle in my arm. For a moment I feel dizzy as the warm fluid courses through my body. But then I become aware of the fact that something is not right. There is a great terror that starts to spread over my body when the screen in front of me comes to life.

I am rigid with tension while I watch the forest that looms up in front of me. My vision seems wrong, because the trees seem to have a shiny quality to them. At the foot of a tree I see a couple of kids lying around a fire. They have the same shiny look over them as the trees. The camera zooms in and I recognize them. This was my alliance in my first Games. Cato, Clove, Marly, Glimmer, Marvel and me. The six of us fast asleep on the ground. The tension is building and I am so afraid, so afraid. I’ve never been this scared in my entire life. Dawn is breaking and with it a tracker jacker nest falls on the ground and breaks open. The wasps attack us, stinging our bodies while we get up and run away, shrieking.

Something is happening with my body. I don’t know what but it doesn’t feel right. My mind is screaming that they are altering my memories and I should look away. Maybe think about other things as well, positive things. But I can’t keep my eyes from the screen. There’s a voice over telling me that tracker jackers are deadly and that this attack from Katniss Everdeen was meant to kill us all. She wanted to kill me. Katniss. Suddenly thinking about her is not soothing anymore. Thinking about her brings another wave of fear over me.  
No! I try to fight what’s happening.  
No! She didn’t want to kill me. Not me. She loves me. 

When did she ever listen to you?

The voice is clear and it comes from inside of me. It’s my own voice telling me a new truth.

When did she ever care about you?

The accusation in my own voice is so clear. Never. This would be the answer to these questions. Never.

Fifty thousand tears I’ve cried  
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you -  
And you still won't hear me 

I’m panicking, I’m going crazy. I’m screaming, “Katniss, no! No! Don’t do this to me.”  
I am shaking in the chair, starting to cry and I try to wipe away the tears because they’re almost choking me. But I can’t move my hands. It’s making me panic even more. What’s happening?  
I start screaming again, “Katniss! Katniss, please. I’m screaming your name and you don’t even hear me. Why can’t you come and save me. I’m drowning, I’m going under. I’m dying. All I’ve ever tried to do is protect you, and this is how you answer. You left me alone!”  
I feel the tears on my cheeks, sliding down and dripping in my neck, wetting the collar of my shirt.  
My thoughts are a jumble of accusations and pain. The feeling of abandonment is so great and overwhelming. Everything blurs together and I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.  
I think about the conversation Katniss and I had before the tributes parade. How I told her that I considered her my weakness. I realize now that it was an understatement. She’s more than just my weakness, she’s going to be the death of me. And I loathe myself because of it. I am the one who allowed her to ruin my life.

How long have I been in this chair? It can’t be more than a few minutes but my whole world is falling apart, my life rapidly morphs into a nightmare. Everything I thought to be true is a lie. All the thoughts in my head are confusing me and I can't trust myself anymore.

She is the one you can’t trust

The voice in my head that is my own voice convinces me. It is true, she can’t be trusted. She acted being in love with me but she wasn’t. She used me.  
On screen I see Marly dying and later Glimmer too. Katniss jumps out of the tree and runs away. But then she turns around and goes back to Glimmers body. She takes the bow and arrows from her.

She killed them and she tried to kill you too.  
She’s still trying to kill you.

The images change. I see burning houses. People running and screaming. I hear a voice which I recognize as the voice of President Snow. “We are going to use her as a weapon.” He says. A weapon. She’s turned into a weapon. There is something familiar about these words. Have I heard them before, used them myself even? I have a feeling that I have, but I can’t remember.

Suddenly the screen grows black and the noise dies down. I hear footsteps behind me and a tall woman with dark hair appears in front of me.  
“Hello Peeta,” she says in a sing song voice. “Do you know who I am?”  
I stare at her for a while and then I shake my head. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before.” I say.  
She unties the straps around my wrists and takes my hand. “I’m Marzia,” she says, “I’m going to bring you back to your cell now, okay?” She gives me a bright smile and I smile back, tentatively.  
“How are you feeling?” she asks.  
“I don’t know. Confused.” I answer slowly.  
She nods. “That was to be expected.” She unties my feet and my waist as well and helps me up. I wipe away the tears on my face and blow my nose in the handkerchief she gives me. I don’t remember where the tears came from. “Why am I crying?” I ask Marzia. She just smiles at me and tells me to come with her. Then she brings me through a hall and takes me down the elevator where a woman is waiting for me. “This is Saria,” Marzia tells me. “She’s going to escort you back to your quarters. I will see you again tomorrow.” 

I’m lying on a bed in the white room where Saria dropped me off a couple of hours ago. “These are my quarters?” I had asked her. She just nodded and walked away. I had looked around for a bit but then it all came back to me again. This is the room of torture.  
On the table there’s a plate with a slice of bread and a glass of milk standing next to it. I haven’t touched it yet. I’m afraid to move, afraid to approach the table. Lavinia was killed there and Darius too. There are things about my life that I can’t seem to remember anymore, but that I do remember.  
My confusion centers around Katniss. I can still hear my own inner voice warning me that she can’t be trusted. And a part of me believes that, but another part is telling me that something isn’t right about this whole situation.  
“Peeta,” a voice comes to me through the walls. “Peeta, are you back?”  
“Who’s there?” I ask.  
“It’s me, Johanna.” The voice says.  
For a moment I have to think who Johanna is but then I my thoughts clear out. “From the Quarter Quell?” I ask.  
“Yes of course from the Quarter Quell.” Her voice sounds impatient and irritated. “Who else? Did you forgot, or something?”  
“Something like that, yes,” I say. Suddenly I begin to tremble. “I don’t know what’s happening to me, Johanna. They are trying…”  
“What?” she asks, “What are they trying?”  
“I don’t know,” I say. “All I know is that I’m so confused. And I don’t know what to think or what to believe.”  
“That doesn’t sound good.” Johanna says. “Can you tell me what happened today?”

I think back to today and start telling her about the interview with Caesar and that I was brought to another building after that.  
“And what happened in that other building?” Johanna asks.  
“I don’t remember exactly,” I say. “There was a woman, her name was Marzia. She said she’d see me again tomorrow.”  
“That’s all you know?” Johanna says, “There must have been something going on in that building?”  
“There was a big room, I remember,” I say, “It had a screen and there were buildings burning and people running. And the president said that they were going to use her as a weapon.”  
“Who’s her?” Johanna asks.  
“Katniss,” I answer, and I hear my voice dropping.  
Johanna stays quiet after I spit out the last sentence with vehemence. “He was talking about Katniss.”  
Not long after that I fall asleep.

Katniss is screaming at me in my dreams. Screaming my name over and over again. But somehow her voice doesn’t reach me because I am too far away from her. And I’m drifting further still. Her voice fades away as the darkness covers me. I am alone. Forever alone. 

The white room where Saria brought me this morning looks vaguely familiar. Marzia is there as well and she straps me in the big chair in the middle of the room. “So, where were we?” she asks me and laughs brightly. Her cheeriness seems off to me, because there’s nothing to be cheery about.  
I shake my head because I can’t tell her the answer to her question. “You don’t know? Well, nothing to worry about. We have it all stored in the computer.” She says. “But first, here’s your shot!”  
She slowly plunges the needle in my arm. The feeling of horror and fear that follows is familiar. My heart rate is racing up and panic flows with the fluid through my veins.  
The large screen flips on and it shows me random shiny pictures. A lot of them are of Katniss and me together. Sometimes I hear us say something to each other, but most of the time there’s loud music and the voice in my head telling me she can’t be trusted.  
President Snow appears on the screen. “We will use her as a weapon,” he says again. “Seize her, change her into a mutt. She will be the destruction of all.”  
“Yes sir,” a voice answers. It’s the voice of Antonius. 

My confusion is over because now everything falls into place. Antonius has done something terrible to Katniss. He changed her into a mutt and the real Katniss is gone. The person that calls herself Katniss now is nothing but a mutt from the Capitol.  
But she won’t fool me. She can scream as loud as she wants, but I am too far away now. She can’t hurt me anymore. I won’t be broken again. I can’t keep going under.

Saria brings me back to my quarters in the evening. The whole day has been filled with fear but I’ve also regained some certainty. I know Katniss is gone, so all I have to do now is die. I don’t know how to accomplish that yet, but at least I have a new purpose. But there’s also a mutt that’s roaming around. It needs to be stopped. It’s a weapon of Snow’s creation and nobody knows that.  
I try to convince Johanna about this but she waves it away. “They’ve made you crazy.” She says. “Of course Katniss isn’t a mutt. You’re deluded.”  
“I’m not crazy,” I shout at the walls and I pound on them for good measure. But Johanna doesn’t reply.

When I fall asleep this night Katniss is screaming at me again and I see it now. I see what Snow has done. He’s done a perfect job. She looks like herself, exactly like herself. But she’s not, it’s just a glamour. A pretense. And behind that pretense hides an awful monster, ready to destroy everything that crosses it’s path.  
I wake up in the morning and I burst out in tears when I realize the horrible truth. I’m mourning the loss of my loved one, my Katniss, my world. She’s gone forever. And worst of all, she left me behind, in this nightmarish world where nothing can be good again.

I’m again transported to the room with the screens and the chair. Marzia is there. Once I’m under the cap and the fluid has been shot into my body the terrible feeling of dread starts again. The more of that fluid enters my body, the more anxious I get. All that was good in this world as left my mind. I can’t remember anything but horror and nightmares. Dead and torture. Pain and confusion. A man appears on the screen telling me that the mutt is in District Thirteen now. The Capitol is planning on bombing Thirteen and the mutt is there to give them the coordinates of where to place the bombs. “Everyone in Thirteen will die.” The man says with a grave voice. 

I must do something, something to stop them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is my idea of how the hijacking went. What do you think? Does it make sense?


	5. The rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another interview for Peeta, this time at the President's Mansion. But then Beetee breaks in and Katniss appears on screen. What will that do to him?  
> More hijacking follows until one night, while monsters are lurking in the corner, the air gets heavy and Peeta loses conciousness. Where is he when he wakes up again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Mockingjay  
> Trigger warning: It's still not very nice, this story...

Chapter 5 – The rescue

“It’s the fear”  
\- Within Temptation

'It waits for the day, I will let it out  
To give it a reason, to give it its might

I fear who I am becoming,  
I feel that I am losing the struggle within  
I can no longer restrain it,  
My strength, it is fading  
I have to give in

It's the fear,  
The fear of the dark  
It's growing inside of me  
They won, they will come to life  
Have to save,  
Save my beloved,  
There is no escaping  
Because my fate is horror and doom

Hold down your head now,  
Just let me pass by  
Don't feed my fear,  
If you don't want it out

Long ago, it came to me and ever since that day,  
Infected with its rage  
But it ends today'

The door opens and Portia is there again. “Another interview,” she says.  
I’m trembling all over as she approaches me. When she comes closer she suddenly bursts into tears. “What did they do to you?” she asks, “It’s been three days since I last saw you.”  
I stare at her unfocused, unable to form coherent thoughts. She takes my hand but I flinch away. I’m so afraid of everything. Even her. Who knows if she can be trusted, I’m not sure.  
“Peeta,” she says softly as she kneels down beside me. “It’s me, Portia. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m here to help you.”  
“I don’t believe you,” I whisper hopelessly.  
“But I’m on your side. I am. I love you, Peeta. Please believe me.” She pleads.  
I look into her brown eyes intensely. I can’t be a hundred percent sure but I think she’s speaking the truth.  
“Okay,” I say finally, “I believe you.”

Portia gives a sigh of relief and helps me up. I need to lean on her to walk because I’m so shaky from all the tension and fear of the last days. Yesterday they had to bring a wheelchair to bring me back to my room.  
She brings me to the room where I was before my last interview and there she starts working on my make-up. She doesn’t say much but smiles at me reassuringly every once in a while. “Where are the others?” I ask her, suddenly remembering my prep-team.  
“I didn’t think they could handle it.” She says, “So I gave them the day off.”

After another hour or so Portia is done and we’re transported in a car to the President’s Mansion. The broadcasting will be from there and the president will participate in it. A director tells me there won’t be an interview. Instead I have to give a speech about the need for a cease-fire. The man hands me a scripted speech and says I have an hour to prepare it. “But it will also be on auto-cue,” he says and he points to two screens hanging under the camera. “The text will be projected on the small screen. The larger screen on top of it will let you see what the audience sees.”

The speech speaks about damage and wars, bombs and fire. It proves to me that people are making a mess of our world. Destroying everything and leaving the earth in ruins. A place no longer suitable for the living. I’m not sure I should even call for a cease-fire anymore. Let them all kill each other so that no one remains.  
When the hour is up an attendant leads me to the podium in front of the President’s Mansion. They put me in a high chair with a metal ring for my feet to rest on. My prosthetic leg is moving against my will, like my hand. The trembling is caused by my fear. And it multiplies when I see President Snow appearing next to me. He smiles his snake smile. “Hello Peeta,” he says, “Good to see you here. You’re going to do a fine job, won’t you?”  
I stare at him, not sure what he’s talking about when I’m suddenly reminded of what they said yesterday, on that screen in the large room. About bombing District Thirteen. I decide to ask the president.  
“Are you going to bomb District Thirteen?”  
The president looks at me for a while, as if he’s weighing his options. Then he smiles again and says, “Yes, that was the intention. But let us first focus on this broadcast, yes?”

He walks away and the director comes towards me. He explains that this is a live broadcast and there will be a map projected behind me so people can see what I’m talking about. I nod at him slowly.  
“Okay, let’s start,” says the director. “On my count!”  
The camera starts rolling and President Snow is welcoming everyone to this update on the war. Then the camera rolls away from Snow, including me in the screen. The director nods at me and I start reading the speech. I feel the sweat on my forehead and on my lip as well. It is so hot and I’m having difficulty with speaking. So I speak as fast as I can, the frustration is clearly audible in my voice.  
“We have to realize there is a need for the cease-fire. Things are getting out of hand.”I say. “There has been a lot of damage done to the infrastructure in various districts. The train rails in District Four have been bombarded so no trains can come and go to District Four anymore. In District Seven a dam broke down, causing water damage to multiple buildings.” I continue to read from the auto-cue, not really hearing what I’m saying when suddenly both screens go black. 

Katniss. All of a sudden she’s there. On the large screen. Looking beautiful like I remember her. She’s staring in the camera, looking extremely sad. She’s standing in the rubble of some burned out building. Everything is scorched black, too burned out to see what it used to be. A sudden flash of recognition goes through me though. There is something about this building that feels familiar. But I can’t put my finger on it, so instead I stare at Katniss again. I feel my heart jump up at the unexpected feeling of love that I have for the girl on screen. She begins to talk in a sad tone, and the first thing she says is my name. "Peeta, this is your home. None of your family has been heard of since the bombing. Twelve is gone. And you're calling for a cease-fire?" I watch her as she looks around in the rubble. My home? That’s my home? There is nothing left of it. And no word of my family. I feel the tears sting in my eyes when she concludes. "There's no one left to hear you."  
She moves me to tears with her words and her sad expression. I want to reach out to her and hold her in my arms like I used to do. My arms extend automatically towards the screen.

No! My mind is screaming at me and I pull my arms back to my side. Don’t fool yourself. She’s a mutt! She’s a mutt! But I’m not sure though. Something is tugging at me, some memory telling me that she’s real. Something about her expression shows me that it’s really her, standing there in the rubble. And she must be warned about this bombing that is taking place, because otherwise she’ll die.  
My mind reels, I’m going back and forth between doubting if it’s really her or not. Then the smaller screen comes back to life and shows my auto-cue again. After that I see myself appear on the large screen. I’m distracted by Katniss and all this confusion, but I pick up my speech where I left it when I see the director looking at me furiously.

I just started speaking about a bombing of a water purification plant when the auto-cue is cut off again and I see a familiar person on screen. It takes me a few seconds to place him, but then I remember. It’s Finnick. The people around me are getting nervous. They walk around, shouting instructions at each other. The president looks distraught. All that I feel is a lot of confusion and fear.  
“How could this happen? Fix it,” President Snow shouts at the director. “Fix it fast!”

It takes a while before the cameraman tells us we’re on air again. I can’t tell because both screens are blacked out now. People are still running around, to make sure that the disruption won’t happen again. The director counts back indicating we’re live and the president starts to speak angrily into the camera.  
“Clearly the rebels are now attempting to disrupt the dissemination of information they find incriminating.” He spits out, “But both truth and justice will reign. The full broadcast will resume when security has been reinstated.”  
He turns away from the camera and looks at me. “Peeta, given tonight’s demonstration, do you have any parting thoughts for Katniss Everdeen?” 

At the mention of her name confusion sweeps over me again. What to do? Warn her or not? Was she really there or not? But I saw Finnick too, and he’s not a mutt. At least, I think he’s not. They need to be warned of this bombing. I turn to the camera and start talking. "Katniss...how do you think this will end? What will be left? No one is safe. Not in the Capitol. Not in the districts. And you...in Thirteen..." I take a deep breath, screaming at myself to get the words out. "Dead by morning!"

I feel the insanity building up in me when I hear Snow say, “End it!”  
From behind me Antonius appears. I try to continue speaking, rambling on about the bombing and the need for the people in Thirteen to run. I see the camera falling on the ground and at the same time the screen pops on and shows me the white tiled floor. Then Antonius hits me from behind with his fist. The impact is so hard that I fall forward on the ground. I cry out in pain. Blood pours out of my mouth and spills over the white tiles.  
Antonius comes from behind the chair and starts kicking me hard in my abdomen. I crawl up into a ball, protecting my head and my chest. He is kicking my back now and I’m sure he will kick me until I die when I hear Snow’s voice again. “Stop it, that’s enough, Antonius.” He says, “Bring him to Marzia again, she needs to finish the hijacking.”

Antonius hauls me up from the ground and drags me to a car. Saria is there as well, looking dismayed. She hands me a white towel. “Put that against your mouth,” she says, disapproval clear in her voice. “I don’t want bloodstains in the car.” I press the towel on my mouth, draining it of my blood. Antonius pushes me into the car and together they bring me to Marzia in her room with the large screen.  
Hijacking. That’s what the President said. But what is that? I’ve never heard of that word before. But now I believe it has something to do with the fear and confusion I feel in this room. The fluid she inserts in me and that cap on my head. That must be part of it as well. It’s the fear. Growing inside of me.  
“What does hijacking mean?” I ask Marzia, as soon as Antonius and Saria leave the room.  
“Where did you learn that word?” She asks me like I’m a little child.  
“President Snow said you needed to finish the hijacking.” I explain.  
Marzia frowns a bit. “Well, it’s nothing you need to know.” She shakes her head as if she disapproves of what the president had said. “Now sit tight,” she says and she inserts the needle in my arm.

Panic. Horror. Confusion. The screen in front of me shows me images of Katniss. She looks deadly and dangerous.  
"Katniss Everdeen is the one who is responsible for the bombing on District Twelve." A voice comes over the speakers. At the same time Katniss stares into the my eyes. Her grey eyes cold and uncaring. Then the image slowly fades away and I see planes flying over my own city. They’re dropping fire bombs and I realize I’m looking at the bombing of District Twelve. People are screaming and running, the city is burning. I recognize the bakery. It is a ruin now. Nothing is left of it. If my family was still inside they are dead now. And even if they could run, they'd probably get overwhelmed by the smoke. They are dead. Katniss is staring at me and she yells:

IF WE BURN, YOU BURN WITH US!

She looks spitting mad, her eyes reflecting the flames. She burned down District Twelve. She just said it herself. Up unto now I was still a bit reserved. Thinking I might have interpretated it wrong. But here she stands, in the rubble. Confessing what she did. Shooting at airplanes with her bow. Causing death and destruction. She’s going to be the destruction of all.  
The voice in my head, which is my own voice tells me the truth.  
She can't be trusted.  
She did this. Katniss Everdeen. She killed everyone I love.  
She's a mutt. A stinking mutt. 

It’s the fear, growing inside of me. It goes on and on. Until there is nothing else left in this world but fear. Everything is dangerous, everyone is a threat and no one can be trusted. And underneath all of this I don't even trust myself. Loneliness, emptiness and confusion are my companions in the night in my cell. There are monsters lurking in the corners, shadows with claws extended out to me. Katniss is there too, trying to kill me. Always trying to kill me, but she never succeeds. 

Every day Saria takes me from my cell and escorts me to Marzia. Everyday the same thing happens. Marzia puts me in the large chair and injects more fear into my body through that dreadful needle. I'm shaking and trying to deflect her but it doesn't help. She's persistent, grabs my arm and tells me to sit still. Then she says that I should calm down and that all will be fine. But I know she's crazy and she's lying. Everyone is.  
Voices whisper in my ears, repeating the same name over and over again until I think I’m going mad just because of the sound. Katniss. Katniss. Katniss.  
I scream at them to stop, but they never listen. They never do. They keep on whispering this dreadful horrifying name until the fear of the name and the person attached to it consumes me completely.  
Katniss. Katniss. Katniss.

On the third night after the speech at the mansion, a voice comes to me through the wall in my cell.  
"Peeta, hi, are you still there?"  
I sit up straight and look around in my room, which is of course empty. "Who's there?" I ask, scared and trembling all over. Monsters are lurking in the shadows. Some part of my brain tells me I’m hallucinating, but they are real. They look like beasts, with rough fur and large paws. But their heads are what’s really frightening about them. Really large with a dozen red eyes in them, gleaming with hatred. And razor sharp teeth, ready to rip me apart. “Who’s there?” I ask again.  
"It's me, Annie." The voice replies.  
"Annie?" I ask, trying to remember the name that sounds vaguely familiar. "Where do I know you from?"  
"Well, we've never met." she replies, "but I'm Finnick's fiancée, do you remember? I told you that." she sounds a little panicked.  
All I remember is fear, but her voice sounds soft and kind. And I’m on the other side of a wall so I don't see how she could be a threat to me. Somehow the monsters fade into black and I’m calming down a little. I decide to answer Annie, to placate her and tell her I remember. "Oh yes, Annie," I say, "How are you?"  
"They took me to the hospital to stay there instead of here. They didn't interrogate me or anything but..." she stops midsentence. 

Annie. Wasn't she the one that went a little crazy? Because of something Katniss did to her? No, it didn't have anything to do with Katniss, right? Lately I believe that every bad thing that ever happened to anyone in this world was caused by Katniss. In any case this Annie seems a little crazy to me. Of course, everyone seems crazy to me these days. Myself included.  
"What did they do?" I ask her.  
"Nothing, I had to stay in the hospital and they gave me medicine but it didn't do anything. Now, without any explanation they put me back here again." She explains.  
"That seems weird, why would they do that?" I ask.  
"I don't know," she sighs, "I don't know anything and I'm so afraid. Sometimes I wish I was dead like you said."  
"I wish that too." I answer. It has to end somehow. Death would be the way out. Maybe if these monsters could come back and kill me, that would we good. I would finally be out of reach. Safe and sound. 

There's a lot of noise coming from outside. It’s far off but it seems to come closer. Guns go off, people scream. I sit straight in my bed, my eyes wide with fear. What's happening? My ceiling is coming to life, a thousand rodents climb down over the walls. They can’t be real, can they? They whisper Katniss’s name and make me shudder. There seems to be something wrong with the air as well. Every breath I breathe makes me more dizzy. Footsteps are approaching, so are the rodents. Just when I’m about to lose consciousness the door to my cell opens and a large man with grey hair and blue eyes enters my room. My mind registers that he’s wearing some kind of mask. But before I can ask who he is or why he’s here the room begins to fade away and everything grows dark.

The grey clouds in my dreams make the world foggy and hazy. I’m not entirely sure if I am still alive. The last thing that comes to my mind is that the air was poisoned and I couldn’t breathe anymore. Slowly I become aware of my surroundings. Someone is strapping me to a bed. The bed must be on wheels because I can sense I’m rolling through a hallway. Voices are shouting orders. “This one at the end of the hall.”  
I hear a familiar voice screaming, “Finnick!”  
Then a door slams and there is silence. I’m debating with myself whether I should open my eyes when I feel a hand closing around my wrist.  
“His pulse is steady, he seems to be fine.” A woman says. The straps are loosened and I am able to move again.

Slowly I open my eyes and take in my surroundings. “He’s awake,” the woman who took my pulse comes into focus. I stare at her and feel a great terror rise up in me. I fly up in the bed. “Where am I, what is this?” I ask, looking around.  
The room is white. I’m on a bed and there are machines beeping. The three people that are with me in this room wear white clothes. They look like doctors.  
“You’re in District Thirteen, Peeta.” A man with brown curls takes my hand. “You’re in the hospital. We are your doctors.”  
I survey the room and the three people in it. “District Thirteen?” I say, confused.  
“How are you feeling?” the doctor asks.  
Before I can answer the door flies open. A nurse is standing in the doorway. “They’re coming.” She says.  
The doctor nods at her and asks me to look at him. He flashes a light in my eyes. “How are you feeling?” He repeats.  
“I... I don’t know,” I say, “Who is coming?”  
The doctor turns around and looks into the hall. “Katniss Everdeen,” he says. “She wants to see you.” 

Katniss. Katniss. Katniss.

The memory of this name surfaces again. Katniss Everdeen! She’s a mutt. She is dangerous. She killed my family, my friends! And she will kill everyone else if someone doesn’t stop her. But of course these people don’t know what I know. That Snow ordered for her to be turned into a weapon. That Antonius changed her. I’m the only one who knows that. This means that I have to be the one who stops her. I’ve just reached this conclusion when the doctor steps away and I see her, she’s still down the hall but heading towards this room.

The voices whisper in my ears again. Katniss. Katniss. Katniss. She has to die!  
Long ago, it came to me and ever since that day I am infected with its rage. But it ends today. I’m determined.  
At first I’m not entirely sure if it’s really her. She seems so small and so hurt. But I can’t let that fool me. She needs to be eliminated. She’s probably coming here to kill me before I can warn these people. So I sweep the doctor aside and stand up from the bed. When I start walking towards the door she breaks into a run. A smile on her face and her arms extended for no other reason than to kill me. But I am stronger than her, so when she arrives I reach out my arms and lock my fingers around her throat.


	6. Pull me down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta gets knocked out of the way and there fails to kill the mutt. In the meantime the Tracker Jacker venom is making him see things which aren't real. He feels so desperately lost. The doctor tells him he's hijacked but he doesn't know what that is and he also doesn't know if he can trust this doctor. Then someone from District Twelve comes to visit him, Delly Cartwright. Will she believe him when he explains about the mutt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 13 from Mockingjay.
> 
> Disclaimer: there's nothing about MJ that I own.

“Haunted”  
\- Evanescence

Long lost words whisper slowly to me  
Still can't find what keeps me here  
When all this time I've been so hollow inside  
I know you're still there

Watching me, wanting me  
I can feel you pull me down  
Fearing you, loving you  
I won't let you pull me down

Hunting you, I can smell you - alive  
Your heart pounding in my head

Watching me, wanting me  
I can feel you pull me down  
Saving me, raping me, watching me

Watching me, wanting me  
I can feel you pull me down  
Fearing you... loving you  
I won't let you pull me down 

The cold floor meets me after an elbow hits me in the face and knocks me down. Forcing me to take my hands from the throat of the mutt. She collapses to the floor and a man I vaguely recognize crouches down next to her. He lifts her up in his arms. I try to get up and continue my assault but another fist lands on my face. At this I crawl up in a ball like I used to do when Antonius hit me. Trying to protect myself from the pain. But no other kicks follow. I hear footsteps dying away and other footsteps approaching. People shouting to each other. The door closes and someone lifts me up off the ground and onto the bed.

“The mutt,” I hiss, my eyes still shut tight. “Is she dead? She has to die.”  
“Just calm down, Peeta.” There is a female voice talking to me and I slowly open my eyes and look at a woman with blue eyes. She’s standing next to my bed and straps my arms to the bed. “I’m sorry, we think it’s for your own good that we bind you to the bed.” She says apologetically. “You might end up hurting yourself or somebody else.” She inserts a needle in my arm and attaches a tube to it. Some fluid is dripping through the tube into my body.  
“She’s not somebody else.” I say vehemently. “Don’t you understand? She’s Snow’s weapon. Please, she needs to die because she will kill us all!”  
The woman looks at me with her blue eyes and I see she’s astounded by my words. “How do you know that?” she asks, “Why are you saying this?”  
“Because it’s true!” I scream at her and I feel my blood raging inside me. I try to sit up but the straps prevent that. This makes me so angry and so scared that I start to pull even harder at the restraints. I’m not sure if I’m better off now that I’m away from that white room of fear. These people don’t treat me any better. They won’t even believe me. And I know for a fact that I can’t trust them.

The woman puts a hand on my shoulder and with the other she slowly forces my head back onto the cushions. “Calm down, Peeta,” she repeats while she slowly brushes the hair from my damp forehead. Somehow this gesture feels familiar and reassuring.  
“Where am I? Who are you” I ask a little calmer.  
“My name is Doctor Marja Groot. And you’re in the hospital.” She says.  
“What is that?” I ask, confused. Trying to remember the meaning of the word.  
“You don’t know what a hospital is?” Dr. Marja asks.  
I shake my head and close my eyes. Too tired to wait for her answer. Too far gone to care anyway.

When I open my eyes again the room is distorted. And filled with white monsters who are whispering to me. “I’m watching you.” Their large hands are approaching me, trying to strangle me. They will kill me. They are working together with the mutt, coming from Snow. It was their plan all along to kill me.  
I feel like I’m falling. Or is someone pulling me down? I’m not sure if I’m awake or dreaming. The room starts swirling and the monsters swirl with it. “Why am I still alive?” I whisper. “All this time I've been so hollow inside. And I know you're still there. You’re watching me, wanting me. I can feel you pull me down.”  
“Who are you talking to?” A voice comes through the darkness.  
“Katniss,” I say softly, “I have to hunt you down and kill you. I can’t let you pull me down again. Drowning. Forever drowning.”

I’m vaguely aware of the door opening and footsteps approaching the bed. “How is he?”  
I open my eyes just enough to see the man with the brown curls standing next to Dr. Marja. “He is not making any sense, Robert” she says quietly. “He’s talking about Katniss. How he has to kill her. He says she’s going to kill everybody.”  
“That’s very strange. I can imagine he would suffer from post traumatic stress, but why would he see her as an enemy?” The man, whose name is Robert, says. “I do have the test results back from the lab and look at this, Marja. Maybe it explains what’s going on here.”  
“What’s that?” Marja asks.  
“He has an extremely high doses of Tracker Jacker venom in his blood.” Robert answers.  
“Oh!” Marja exclaims and the alarm is clear in her voice. “Maybe they hijacked him.”  
“What? Hijacked?” Robert sounds confused. “What are you talking about?”  
Marja drops her voice to a whisper and I have to strain my ears to hear her but I can only make up a couple of words. “They say… very old… torture… not real…”

Finally she raises her voice again. “A long time ago, maybe even before the Dark Days, a family member of mine has been a victim of it. The Capitol arrested him for treason and injected him with Tracker Jacker venom. Afterwards they delivered him back to Thirteen. There was no way to help him and finally he killed himself in a moment of inattentiveness. The story always stayed in the family. This just looks very similar. But much worse. They must have enhanced the technique. Perfected it. Back then they just injected the victim with venom and made him recall certain memories. My relative couldn’t handle it though.”  
“We have to make sure to watch him closely.” Robert says, “We can’t let him kill himself. And you’re sure there is no way to heal him?”  
“We have no records of it.” Marja answers. “But for now we have to make sure nothing triggers him. No contact with persons who connect him to her. His fear is centered around her, so I’m guessing they changed his memory of her. But I don’t know what else is tampered with.”  
“I think we should inform Plutarch about your findings, Marja.” Robert says. “It’s important that they know what’s going on with him.”  
The words resonate in my ears, but I don’t understand a single one of them. I don’t believe a word they’re saying anyway, so it doesn’t matter much. They’re all lies. All the words that people speak. Only lies. 

From the corner of the room a mutt pulls away the walls and suddenly my bed and the two doctors are lifted high into the air. We are on top of some sort of tower and below us the waters are roaring.  
“We’re going to have to put together a team of doctors and psychologists.” Robert continues speaking as if nothing happened, “Maybe it’s best to put him to sleep for the night, because we need to have a meeting and discuss our approach. We must find out how deep it runs. And he needs to rest, if we don’t give him something, he’ll never sleep.”  
“Watch out!” I scream at him as one of the white monsters that were here earlier approaches him from behind. “Behind you!” I yell.  
Dr. Robert turns around and stares right into the eyes of the mutt. But he just shrugs and turns around again. “It must be the venom, it’s making him see things that aren’t there.”  
“No! They are there. I see them. They’re watching us. Trying to pull me down.” I shriek.  
Marja bows over me and shakes her head. “There is nobody here, Peeta. Only us, and we’re not going to hurt you.”  
“But don’t you see them?” I say hopelessly while the tears run over my face.  
“He’s so agitated. Poor boy.” She touches my head again and I flinch away from her. “Okay, let’s give him some morphling and sleeping syrup.”  
Dr. Robert looks at me for a long time and then he says, “You know you are totally safe here, Peeta. We’re just going to make you sleep now. You need to rest.”

The monster behind him takes him in his claws and throws him from the tower. I try to scream but my throat is jammed. Fear rises up in me as I see the mutt again. The mutt that once was Katniss. She approaches me and stretches out her claws. With one smooth motion she lifts me from the bed and throws me from the tower. For a few seconds I’m falling and then I crash into the roaring waters.  
Once I hit the water I try desperately to keep myself from drowning. Soon I realize it’s no use to fight it. I become aware of a slight decrease of the pain I still feel in every inch of my body. Then the dark water closes above me and the world drifts away.

Death is gauzy and cloudy. Filled with soft colors and warm, familiar scents. Even though this may seem comforting, there is a threat looming and I do not feel safe. My father appears through the clouds. He is almost translucent, but he’s there. “Peeta,” he says, “Don’t go away.”  
“I’m not going away.” I answer. “I’m staying right here.”  
“But you can’t,” my father says and he looks at me with such a pained expression on his face. “You have to go back to life.”  
“I don’t want to, daddy,” I say like I’m a three year old toddler. “I want to stay here with you. Please, don’t let me go back.”  
“You don’t have a choice, Peeta,” my father says in a soft voice. “Life is waiting for you to make the best out of it.”  
With that he slowly starts to back away until the mist has totally covered him. I’m screaming his name but nothing happens. All I see now is a grey haze, a nothingness. And I know that is what life entails for me now. A void, a grey nothingness. 

Slowly I come back to life again. I become aware of the cushion beneath my head and I hear the beeping of machines. When I open my eyes I see a woman in a white uniform standing in my room. My heartbeat accelerates as I try to get up and flee away. But I’m strapped to the bed and have nowhere to go.  
The woman turns towards me. “Peeta, you’re awake. Good.” She says and her voice is kind. “How are you feeling?”  
She approaches me slowly. I look at her and the room I’m in. “Who are you? Where am I?” I ask in bewilderment.  
“You don’t remember?” the woman asks, surprised and worried now. “My name is doctor Marja Groot. I told you this just a few hours ago.”  
“No you didn’t.” I say angrily. She’s coming closer still and I don’t want that. I don’t trust her, don’t even know who she is, no matter what’s she saying. “You’re lying, you’re a liar!” I shout.  
“Why do you think that?” the doctor asks quietly.  
The question pulls me up short and I try to find a logical answer. “Because everybody is,” I say finally. “Everybody always is.”  
“I’m not a liar, Peeta.” Dr. Marja answers slowly. “I am here to help you. To make you get better. Life is waiting for you to make the best out of it.” 

My eyes widen at her repeating my father’s words. “How did you know how to say that?” I ask the doctor.  
“My grandmother used to tell me that,” the doctor says, “Why? Does it sound familiar to you?”  
I nod my head slowly. “My father used to say the same.” I explain. “Before he died. Before Katniss killed him.”  
“What makes you think Katniss killed your father?” Dr. Marja asks.  
Before I can answer the door opens and another doctor with brown curls comes in the room. “This is Doctor Robert, Peeta. He is the head doctor of District Thirteen. You’ve met him before.” Dr. Marja says.  
“I did?” I ask warily.  
“Amnesia is common in the aftermath of hijacking.” Dr. Robert says and he smiles at me encouragingly. “Nothing to worry about. It will pass. When the venom is out of your system you will start remembering things again. And you are safe here, that will help the recovery as well.”  
He takes a chart and shows it to Dr. Marja. “They think they found someone to see him.” He says as if I’m not in the room.  
“Are you sure it won’t give him any triggers?” Dr. Marja asks. “He is very fragile, as you can tell.”  
“They cleared it with her and with Haymitch. It’s worth a shot.” Dr. Robert glances at me. “It can tell us a lot on where we stand.”  
“Okay,” Dr. Marja nods.  
“Good, I’ll get her.” Dr. Robert turns around and leaves the room.

I’m trying to process what these people just have been saying. Hijacking? Amnesia? And is this Dr. Robert not the same guy that I saw being thrown off the tower earlier? I begin to wonder if that part did actually happen. Because I thought I was dead when I saw my father, but I woke up again. Lying in the bed I laid in before the mutt threw me from the tower. Does that mean it didn’t really happen? How can I know for sure? 

Dr. Marja smiles at me as she says, “There’s someone here to see you, Peeta. Someone you know from the past. From your District.”  
“I’m not in my own District now?” I ask, agitated. “Why not? Where am I?”  
“Shh,” The doctor says calmly, “You’re in District Thirteen now, but this is not the time for questions. Just sit back and relax a little. I can already tell you’re doing a bit better than yesterday, so that’s a good thing.”  
“Yesterday?” I say haltingly. “What was yesterday?”  
“You were rescued from the Capitol and brought here. Now you’re in the hospital in District Thirteen.” Dr. Marja says calmly, but her tone is a little impatient, and I somehow feel she’s been telling me this more than once.  
“Take this, please.” The doctor loosens the straps around my wrists and helps me sit up. She gives me a glass filled with a transparent liquid in it, and in her other hand is a white pill. “It is just water. And the pill helps you to relax a little. We don’t want you to start shouting at your visitor.”  
Obediently I take the water and the pill. Something tells me this woman really wants to help me, and the fact that she said the exact same thing to me as my father said in my dream, tells me I need to start trusting her. I have to at least trust someone, otherwise I might as well give up on life. And I can’t do that to my father. My father, who is dead, but would want me to live. So I drink the entire glass and the doctor gives me a wink. “Good, thank you for trusting me.” She says, “I’m going to help you, Peeta. To make things better. Okay?”  
“Okay.” I sigh and lean back in the cushions. Dr. Marja fastens the straps around my wrists again. “This is just a precaution, nothing to worry about.” She says. “Now rest or a little while, before your visitor will come.”

Dr. Marja leaves and I am alone again. I stare at the ceiling, trying to remember something that is true. Trying to find if there is still anything worth living for in this nightmare that they call the world. Sure, my father told me to, but is that enough?  
After about half an hour of trying to find my way out of this, the door opens. I stare at the person entering. Alarmed because she’s not Marja or Robert. And even though I still don’t trust them entirely, at least I know their names. This girl I don’t know. At least, I think I don’t know her. I’m not sure. Confusion sweeps over me as I take her in. Long yellow hair, a little plump, she’s about my age I would guess. And there is something familiar about her. I can’t believe there is something in this world that could still be familiar to me, but she is.

She approaches me carefully and then breaks out in a smile. “Peeta? It’s Delly. From home.”  
“Delly?” I’m trying to hold on to the vague memory that is surfacing. Delly from home. “Delly. It’s you.” I say, still a bit unsure.  
“Yes. How do you feel?” she asks.  
I have to think about that question a bit. Uncertainty washing over me. “Awful,” I answer. “Where are we? What happened?”  
Delly looks a bit hesitant. “Well…” she’s wavering, not sure about what to say next. “We’re in District Thirteen. We live here now.”  
I sigh, remembering the doctors telling me that. “That’s what these people have been saying. But it doesn’t make any sense.” I say and I look at her intently, willing her to be truthful to me. “Why aren’t we home?”  
At this question I see a bit of panic and grief flicker in her eyes. She bites her lip and stares at the ground. “There was…” She hesitates again, as if she is searching for the right words. “… an accident. I miss home badly, too. I was only just thinking about those chalk drawings we used to do on the paving stones. Yours were so wonderful. Remember how you made each one a different animal?”  
“Yeah. Pigs and cats and things.” I say, absent minded. “You said… about an accident?”

She is fidgeting with her hands, avoiding to look at me directly. I can see there’s a sheen of sweat on her forehead.  
“It was bad. No one … could stay,” she says haltingly. “But I know you’re going to like it here, Peeta. The people have been really nice to us. There’s always food and clean clothes, and school’s much more interesting.”  
“Why hasn’t my family come to see me?” I ask.  
“They can’t.” Delly says softly and I see the tears in her eyes. “A lot of people didn’t get out of Twelve. So we’ll need to make a new life here. I’m sure they could use a good baker. Do you remember when your father used to let us make dough girls and boys?”

I remember those dough puppets. Afterwards my father would let me bake them in the oven but one day they got burned somehow. I can almost see the fire licking them away. It awakes another memory in me. A man screaming at me that everyone was burned to death. Everything turned to ashes.  
“There was a fire,” I say, suddenly remembering it and I look up at Delly for confirmation.  
“Yes,” she whispers.  
“Twelve burned down, didn’t it? Because of her. Because of Katniss.” I begin to pull on the restraints, trying to break free. I have to get away from here.  
“Oh no, Peeta. It wasn’t her fault,” says Delly.  
“Did she tell you that?” I hiss at her. Here we go again, another person who doesn’t believe me.  
The door opens and Delly begins to back towards it slowly.  
“She didn’t have to. I was - ” Delly begins.  
“Because she’s lying! She’s a liar!” I shout at her. She needs to know, I have to warn her. These people from Thirteen won’t listen to me, but she must. “You can’t believe anything she says! She’s some kind of mutt the Capitol created to use against the rest of us!” I’m screaming now, trying to convince her. But Delly shakes her head. What’s wrong with her? Why won’t she believe me?  
“No, Peeta. She’s not a - ” Delly starts again. I don’t let her finish though, totally in a haze caused by my fear and my helplessness. “Don’t trust her, Delly. I did, and she tried to kill me. She killed my friends. My family. Don’t even go near her! She’s a mutt!”  
A figure stands in the doorway and reaches a hand out for Delly. She is pulled back through the door and it slams shut. I’m not even fully aware of what’s happening and even though Delly’s not in the room anymore I keep yelling. She must still be close enough to hear me. “A mutt!” I shout out. “She’s a stinking mutt!”  
I gasp for breath but I’m on a full adrenaline shot now. “A mutt!” I continue screaming. “Don’t trust her, don’t believe her! She’s a mutt! She will kill us all!”  
There’s silence around me and I realize I am alone. Suddenly I burst into tears. “Please,” I say in a much quieter tone now. “Believe me. She’s a mutt!”

What’s the use. No one is ever going to believe me. I can feel the weight of despair pulling me down. Further down. I’m falling and there is no end. It’s like being thrown off that tower again. But this time no water hits me. I am forever falling, further down.

The door opens and Dr. Marja walks in. “How are you feeling, Peeta.” She asks quietly. Again she brushes my hair from my forehead. Again the gesture feels familiar.  
“She’s pulling me down.” I whisper hopelessly.  
“I know you feel that way. And I’m sorry.” Marja says. “But you know, she’s leaving Thirteen. Maybe that will make you feel safer. She’s going to Two.”


	7. Primrose's goat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta's in the hospital and finds out Katniss went to District Two. After a long sleep in which his heart almost stops he wakes and sees a girl at his side. She gets him a pudding and later she comes with an idea to help him with his confusion and memory loss. Her name is Primrose and apparently she once owned a goat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 14 from Mockingjay.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Mockingjay.

“Isolated”  
\- End of September

'Tell me why did you say you believed me then left me alone?  
It's just begun, bit by bit you're taking a hold of me  
I hear you whispering lies into my mind  
I'm so lost, you're my enemy but still you're a part of me

Why have you left me with these shadows?  
An echo in my head  
I feel so isolated  
As life is passing by

Leave me to die here I can not escape my soul  
I'm on my own the struggle inside is more than I can survive  
Help me surrender to myself  
Friend or foe, you're my enemy but still you're a part of me

Why have you left me with these shadows?  
An echo in my head  
I feel so isolated  
As life is passing by'

District Two. Katniss went to District Two. I should be happy that the threat is gone, but somehow I feel abandoned at the same time? I know she’s my enemy, but it also feels like she’s a part of me. And she left me alone again. Alone with these shadows.  
It doesn’t make any sense, why would I want her to stay if I want to kill her at the same time. This is so confusing.

Dr. Marja is still standing next to me, brushing my hair back from my forehead. The feeling is soothing and familiar. Someone else, in another time, and another place, did this as well and it made me feel safe. I don’t remember who it was, but I know it wasn’t at my home, it wasn’t my mother. Or my father.  
“I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.” I say to the doctor, “I remember someone doing this, brushing my hair back like you do now. But I don’t know who and why. I don’t remember where we were and what has brought that person to brush my hair from my forehead. Everything is so unclear and I feel so alone. So isolated. Trapped in this room, with only people I don’t know around me. People from whom I’m not sure if they can be trusted.”  
“I know you feel like this, Peeta. And we’re here to help you. We’re going to try to make you better, okay?” Marja says quietly.  
“Katniss. She needs to die, you know. My enemy.” I sigh. “But somehow it feels like she’s a part of me as well. What am I supposed to do with that? What’s wrong with me?”  
“We don’t know yet, but we’re going to find out. We’ll do what it takes, I promise.” She answers.  
“Promises don’t mean anything,” I say, “People promise all kinds of things and they never follow through.”

A fresh wave of fear rushes through me when the door opens and another doctor enters. Behind him the hallway is filled with danger. I see dark shadows moving. One of them creeps into the room, passes the doctor and approaches me. I scream out in fear for the shadow. It doesn’t help, it keeps coming towards me, filling the entire room with darkness. What’s happening to me? What are these shadows that are hunting me? The fear for the mutt that is Katniss overwhelms me again.  
“Why have you left me!” I scream, not even sure what I’m really talking about. “Katniss! Katniss! Come back, you need to die.” 

I’m vaguely aware of an arm on my shoulder. “He’s in some kind of panic attack.” A voice says.  
“It must have something to do with the venom.” Another voice.  
They keep talking about venom while a voice inside of me keeps screaming for Katniss. I don’t know if I’m actually making the sounds myself or not. It’s tearing me apart, because my own feelings are so inconsistent and in contradiction with each other.  
“He needs to calm down, this will send him over the edge.” The voice says. “He’ll die from anxiety if we don’t do anything soon. This will cause his heart to stop, see the irregularity in his heartbeat?”  
“Let’s give him a sedative again, I think that’s best for now. And put him to sleep.”

The world recedes when the shadows finally overtake me and I’m thrown into a dark gloomy land. Everything in there is filled with horror and doom. It’s a barren wasteland with demons floating in the air and winged dragons shooting fire and screaming horrible screams. Ashes and waste and nothingness is what the world holds. And fear, more fear. Every moment worse than before. Then all of a sudden the noise disappears and the horror is gone as well. I fall into a deep and soundless sleep. Is this death? Or just the end of the struggle?

The fingers brush over the palm of my hand. Repeating the gesture over and over again. I become aware of the fact that someone is stroking me. At first I am afraid, but the fear sinks away after a while. It doesn’t feel threatening somehow. Whoever this person is, they don’t mean to harm me. The heaviness in my limps recedes slowly. Finally I’m able to open my eyes and see there’s a girl sitting next to me, holding my hand. She has blue eyes and long blond hair, braided on her back. She’s young, fourteen at the most and I recognize her face although I can’t give her a name. She turns towards me and smiles.  
“Peeta, you’re awake! Good.” She says, “How do you feel?”  
How do I feel? I have to think for a while, trying to find out what my feelings are. I feel afraid, confused, tired, lonely, hungry. I choose to say only the latter out loud. “Hungry.”  
The girl smiles again, such a sweet and loving smile, it makes the dread in me ebb away, though not entirely. “Let me get you something to eat. What would you like?” She asks.  
“Something sweet?” I ask.  
“I’ll see what I can do,” she says, “but first, let me undo these straps, so you can sit up.” She unfastens the straps around my chest and helps me sit up. “How’s that?” She asks.  
“I feel a little shaky.” I say.  
“I’ll get you something to eat,” she says again and with that she gets up from the chair and walks out of the door. I look around the room and recognize it now, I’ve been here for a while. A white hospital room in District Thirteen. Even though I don’t feel safe, I’m glad that I at least know where I am.

The blond girl with the blue eyes comes back ten minutes later with a plate with a dish on it containing a yellow pudding. “Here you go, vanilla pudding. I think you’ll like it.” She places the plate on my lap. There’s a plastic spoon lying next to the pudding. I wonder why it’s plastic. Because otherwise it would be too dangerous? I guess I’m considered too unstable to handle real silverware.  
At first I’m not sure if I should eat it. It may very well be poisoned. And who knows what’s inside of it. Something with such a beautiful exterior will probably carry death. The girl senses my hesitation. “Here, let me help you,” she says and she dips into the pudding. “I’ll take a bite too.”  
She fills the spoon with the yellow stuff and puts it in her mouth. “Hmm, tastes good! Now you try it.”  
She hands me the spoon and tentatively I take a bite. The pudding is creamy and rich. The little black dots in it indicate there’s real vanilla in it. It must have been expensive. “Where did you get this?” I ask the girl, “It’s Capitol quality.”  
“There are some people from the Capitol here, I think they brought it with them.” She says.  
It isn’t clear to me why these Capitol people would give such expensive things to me, am I that important to them? It seems so.  
I take a few more bites. It tastes really good and for the first time in what seems like forever, I experience something positive again. Only now I realize how hungry I really am. After I’ve finished  
the whole pudding I feel I could still eat more. 

The girl sits quietly next to me while I eat. Her company is soothing, even though I’m still not sure who she is.  
“What’s your name?” I ask her when I drop the spoon down on the empty plate.  
“Primrose,” she says. “What’s yours?”  
“Peeta.” I answer, a little confused. “But you knew that already.”  
“I did,” she says, “But I wanted to make sure if you knew it.”  
“Do you know how long I’ve been asleep?” I ask.  
“They kept you under for three whole days. Your body was exhausted because of the high levels of venom in it and your heart was faltering. This device tells us the percentage of venom in your blood.” With that she points to a small machine that is attached to my wrist with a tube. “This morning Dr. Groot thought it was low enough to wake you.”  
“What venom?” I ask, warily.  
“There are traces of Tracker Jacker venom in your blood.” Primrose explains. “They injected it in your body in the Capitol.”  
“What are you talking about?” I say, suddenly suspicious. “Who injected what? I don’t know anything about that.”  
“You probably don’t remember it, Peeta.” She says quietly. “They tampered with your memory. But we’re going to try to bring it back.”  
“How? How do you even know about this?” I feel the fear creeping up in me again. “Who are you anyways? Why are you here? Is it because of Katniss?”  
My voice is rising and Primrose gets up from the chair as if an invisible voice told her to stand up. She starts to walk towards the door. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, “I really am. I’ll come back, okay.”  
“Don’t trust her!” I’m screaming now, so afraid, so afraid for the fate of this girl. “She’ll kill you! Don’t trust her.” I’m shaking as I try to get up from the bed. But the restraints are still around my legs, making it impossible for me to leave the bed. “Don’t leave me!”  
“I’m not leaving you,” Primrose says, her voice trembling, “I mean, I will come back, I will.”  
With this she disappears and closes the door behind her. There is a click that tells me the door locks behind her. I stare at the dark glass that covers one side of my room and I’m suddenly sure that there are people there. Watching me.  
“Don’t leave me! Can’t you see the shadows hunting me?” I scream at the dark glass. There is no reaction. I only hear the echo of the words in my own head. I feel so isolated as life is passing by.

They must have put me to sleep again, because the next thing I know is Dr. Marja shaking me awake. “Peeta, wake up.” Her voice is urgent. “You have to wake up now.”  
I open my eyes to look at her. “What is it, what’s the matter?”  
“You’ve been asleep for too long and we need you to wake up.” The doctor says and I hear relieve in her voice. “We were afraid you were too far away.”  
“Too far away from what?” I ask.  
“From life,” she simply answers.  
“I don’t care about life that much,” I say, “Life only brings me nightmares.”  
“But we’re going to change that.” The doctor says.  
“Why? Why do you care anyway?” I whisper.  
Dr. Marja looks at me, concerned. “Because you are important.”  
“I’m not important.” I say. “How about that mutt, Katniss? Is she dead yet?”  
The doctor gives a deep sigh and goes to sit in the chair next to my bed. She takes my hand in hers.  
“Let me tell you something important about Katniss. The level of venom in your blood is low now. I’m going to try to tell you the truth about her.” Dr. Marja says. “Here’s the thing. She’s not a mutt. That’s something the Capitol wanted you to believe. They programmed you to kill her. But it’s not true. She’s not a mutt.”

The silence seems to last forever. The doctor looks at me intently, trying to make out how I take this news. I’m confused at first, she seems to be so sincere. And I know she’s not stupid. But then I realize they must have gotten to her somehow. To use her against me, just as they’ve changed Katniss and turned her into a mutt. “Get away from me.” I hiss. “If you believe what you’re saying, you’re as dangerous as she is. Go away. Don’t come near me!”  
The doctor gets up from the chair. “No, Peeta. That’s not true.”  
“Stop it,” I cry out, “Stop lying. Stop manipulating me.”  
“It’s no use.” The doctor says, turning towards the glass. “This is not helping, we have to try a different approach.”  
“Who are you talking to?” I ask.  
“To the team, Peeta, they’re behind the glass.” She turns around again, “Will you calm down now or do we need to put you under again?”  
I close my eyes and inhale my breath sharply. “I don’t know.”  
“Well, I’m going to let you be awake for a while, because we can’t keep pulling you under with drugs.” The doctor says. “I’ll let Primrose bring you some dinner, okay?”  
I nod, my eyes still closed and I keep them closed until the footsteps withdraw and the door clicks in its lock. 

Primrose comes in with a plate filled with food. Potatoes, some sort of stew, and bread. She helps me sit up and helps me eat too. The restraints are still tied around my legs, but my upper body is free so I can move a little.  
“Why do you keep me captive like this?” I ask Primrose.  
“It’s for your own good, you were trying to hurt yourself and others.” She explains.  
“I did?” I say haltingly. “I don’t remember doing that.”  
“It’s okay, Peeta.” She says, “You don’t have to fight to remember everything all the time. Just accept that you don’t and then, who knows what’ll come back to you again?”  
I nod and eat in silence.  
After I’ve finished my meal, Primrose starts talking again. “We’ve come up with an idea to help you.”  
“What is it?” I ask.  
“Well, you know they’ve tampered with your memory, right? So I’m thinking of tampering it back!”  
This confuses me extremely and I just shake my head.  
“Don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything,” she says, reassuringly. “We’re just going to show you something, that’s all.”

The next day Delly visits me again. She’s sweet and loving although she mentions again that Katniss is not a mutt, which frustrates me. Why do these people keep saying this?  
In the afternoon, both Delly and Primrose take a seat beside my bed.  
“We’re going to watch some television,” Primrose says, “Just sit back and relax, Peeta.”  
I feel a fluid coursing through my body through the IV and my muscles relax. The television screen in front of me comes to life and I see a cave-like structure near a river. The camera zooms in on a girl with a dark braid walking towards the cave and entering it. A boy is lying on the floor of the cave. The girl kneels down by the boy and puts a cloth on his head. 

"Do you want anything?" She asks.  
"No," he says. "Thank you. Wait, yes. Tell me a story."  
"A story? What about?" She says.  
"Something happy. Tell me about the happiest day you can remember," he answers.

I’m confused, because it took a while, but I recognize this scene. And the people in it too. Katniss. And me. The whole thing is so bizarre, because she’s just sitting there. Putting that cloth on my forehead. She’s not trying to kill me at all.  
I look at the girls sitting next to me, they both give me a reassuring smile. “Just watch,” Primrose says. My eyes turn back to the screen.

"Did I ever tell you about how I got Prim's goat?" Katniss asks.

I look at Primrose again. “Prim? Is that you?” She nods and points to the screen again. Katniss starts telling the story.

“My mother had an old silver locket lying around. She didn’t wear it anymore and I asked her if I could sell it. I wanted to buy Prim something special, you know. It was her tenth birthday. So I went to the market with Gale to see if I could find anything for a nice dress. I was running my finger over a length of thick blue cotton cloth, when something caught my eye. There's an old man who keeps a small herd of goats on the other side of the Seam.”

I stare at the television without being able to move or talk. Questions are swimming in my head. Why is she telling me this story? Why isn’t she trying to kill me? What are we doing in that cave? Why can’t I remember anything about what I see here?  
The terror I used to feel whenever someone brought Katniss up, seems to be gone. I don’t feel it at this moment. She’s not threatening. This doesn’t cohere with anything that Katniss is for me. She’s a monster, a mutt, not some girl telling me a story about a goat. The whole thing doesn’t make any sense.

“You should have seen Prim's reaction when we walked in with that goat. Remember this is a girl who wept to save that awful old cat, Buttercup. She was so excited she started crying and laughing all at once. My mother was less sure, seeing the injury, but the pair of them went to work on it, grinding up herbs and coaxing brews down the animal's throat.” 

Katniss continues talking on the screen. I’m immobilized and my throat is jammed. I feel like screaming a thousand questions into the air but I’m not able to form any sound.  
After Katniss finished the story, Prim gets up and clicks off the television. I’m vaguely aware that she’s looking at me and asking me something but there’s nothing I can say or do in reply. I just sit there and stare at the black screen.  
What is true? My mind asks, but I can’t say it out loud. I know this girl on the screen wasn’t trying to kill me. I asked her to tell me a story and she did. She told me one, about a goat.

A few doctors come into the room and check on my vitals. “Everything seems to be okay.”  
“But he isn’t talking.” Prim says, “He seems to be in some kind of stupor.”  
“His blood is normal, his heartbeat too,” Dr. Marja says. She bents over and looks me in the eyes. “Peeta, can you hear me?”

I can hear her, but I am too shocked to react. The whole thing is too complicated for me to grasp so I decide to focus on the goat instead. After a long time of silence, in which the doctors, Delly and Prim are eagerly looking at me, I finally shake my head a bit and ask, “What happened to the goat?”  
Doctor Marja shakes her head. “Plutarch isn’t going to be happy.”  
I see Prim frown her eyebrows. “That is not important,” she says to the doctor, “This isn’t about Plutarch, okay?”  
Delly takes my hand and squeezes it. “How are you feeling?” she asks.  
“What happened to the goat?” I repeat my question.  
Prim smiles a sad smile at me. “She got better, and I made cheese out of her milk. I used to sell it to the bakery, to your father.”  
I stare at her for a while and nod. Then I lie back into the pillows. Feeling exhausted.  
The last thing I hear is Dr. Marja saying “Let him sleep.” 

My dreams are inconsistent. Full of confusion. I’m floating on clouds and on waves. I’m drowning in the sky and flying in the water. The scenery changes. A goat lies on the ground. It has a wound in its shoulder. It’s dying. Katniss comes and takes the goat in her arms. She ties a ribbon around the neck of the goat. But she ties it too tightly. The goat starts bleeding. She’s killing it! I see more animals now. Turkeys, squirrels, even a deer. Katniss shoots them with her bow and arrows. She snares rabbits and hares. They are all caught in her death traps.


	8. Memories surfaces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Katniss is in District 2, Peeta's treatment continues. He's watching more scenes from the Games and more and more memories surfaces. Prim and Delly are there to help him with it. Does he believe Katniss is not a mutt? But then one night, he slips out of his room and sees Katniss on television. A gun trained on her. Will she get shot? And does he want her to or not?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 15 from Mockingjay.  
> Disclaimer: MJ is owned by SC, not by me

“A place to go”  
\- End of September 

'All my dreams are getting colder  
It amplifies the way that I feel  
A pain that I just can't control  
It covers up my trust and belief

And I've been walking this road alone  
Poison's running through my veins  
And I still don't know where to go 

I hide the evil in my mind  
A picture that has never been seen  
A memory I can't get rid off  
It shrouds up my trust and belief

And I've been walking this road alone  
Poison's running through my veins  
And I still don't know where to go 

Why give up?  
Though you've lost it all it can still be found  
So why give in?  
Even though it is dark you can still find a place to go' 

The implications of my dream are consistent with what I already knew. She is a murderer. She kills animals and she kills people too.  
When I wake up I stare at the ceiling for a long time. Thinking about this and trying to combine it with the girl I saw on television yesterday. It doesn’t work. The two images do not fit together. 

The door opens and Delly enters my room. She gives me a warm smile. “Good morning, Peeta, how are you feeling?”  
Always this question. How am I feeling. And my answer is always the same. I feel so very confused. It doesn’t seem to get any better.  
“I feel like I’m walking this road alone.” I whisper. “There’s poison running through my veins. There is something wrong with me. Katniss is a mutt, but nobody wants to believe me. I start to doubt myself too.”  
We’re both silent for a while before I add, “I feel so lost and I still don’t know where to go.”  
Delly takes my hand. “I think it’s a good thing that you start to doubt yourself. Because you’re right to do so. Katniss isn’t a mutt. She’s not trying to kill you. She always tried to save you.”  
“She did?” I ask warily.  
Delly nods but I don’t believe her.  
“I’ve lost everything, you know. My family. They are dead. And Nick, he was my best friend. I miss him so much. If he were here, he would know how to find me.” The tears start sliding down my cheeks.  
Delly sits down next to my bed. I see the tears in her eyes as well.  
“Don’t give up.” She whispers. “I know you lost them all. But there are still things that can be found. Your memory. Katniss. She’s still alive and she loves you. She’s heartbroken because of this.”  
She wipes with the back of her hand over her eyes and then says, “You still have a place to go.” 

Doctor Groot comes in with breakfast and she tells me we’re going to watch some more television today. Not long after that Prim appears as well and goes to sit at the other side of my bed.  
“You’re Katniss’s sister.” I state.  
“Yes,” she says.  
“Why didn’t you tell me that before?” I ask.  
“Because you weren’t ready for it yet,” she answers, “It would only upset you. But see how far you’ve come. We’re able to talk about her now!”  
“She tried to kill me, you know.” I say, “You shouldn’t trust her, she can’t be trusted. She lied to me.”  
At this Dr. Marja shakes her head. “It just goes back and forth,” she says, “It’s so frustrating.”  
“What goes back and forth?” I ask.  
“You,” She points out, “You keep telling us she tried to kill you. But think about it Peeta, when did she ever tried to kill you. Are you really speaking the truth when you say that. And are we so stupid, that we don’t get it? Does that seem logical to you?” 

No, it doesn’t seem logical at all. But nothing seems logical to me anymore. So I don’t answer her. Instead I hide the evil in my mind. The memory of Katniss trying to kill me, to rip me apart. The memory has a shiny quality to it. I see her in front of me, changing into a rabid animal and ripping my throat out. Did that happen? Did she really changed into an animal? It doesn’t seem logical. And obviously she didn’t rip my throat out. Because I’m still here, still alive. 

“Let’s try watching television again.” The doctor says. She puts something in my IV and I feel the tension in my whole body slip away.  
“What is this you’re injecting?” I ask her.  
“It’s morphling. It helps to calm you down.” She replies. “Can you feel it? Does it help?”  
“It does,” I nod, “I feel more relaxed now.”  
“That’s good. Now let’s watch.”  
Katniss appears on the screen. She’s in a tree and the Careers and me are huddled together on the ground beneath her. I see her dropping the Tracker Jacker nest on us.  
“See that!” I point to the screen. “She tried to kill me!”  
“There’s more to come, Peeta.” Delly says, “She’s going to find you and save your life.” 

We watch together and I come to see that Delly is actually speaking the truth. After Claudius Templesmith announces the rule change, Katniss comes to find me. She coaxes me back to life. Feeding me broth and sleep syrup. She goes to the feast, almost gets killed by Clove and then she comes back to me. Jamming a needle in my arm that saves my life.  
“See,” Delly says, “She saved your life.”  
Uncertainty washes over me and I look at Delly suspiciously.  
“I don’t know.” I say, “Why did she do that? I don’t believe this. You altered this, that must be it.”  
“We didn’t alter it,” Prim says.  
“It doesn’t matter.” I say. “Because Antonius changed her into a mutt, he just did it after this. After these Games.” 

Doctor Marja turns off the television and asks both Delly and Prim to leave. After they’ve closed the door behind them she starts talking.  
“Peeta, we’re going to try to be more rational about this. I will tell you now what exactly is happening to you.”  
She looks at me and from me to the chart in her hand. “Here, look at the chart. This shows the level of venom in your body. Most of it has already left your system. It seems to have an irregular pattern though. It’s like there are triggers that make you go into a panic attack or make you see things. When you are in such an attack, the level of venom is higher in your blood. We don’t understand how this is possible. We also don’t have a way to treat you for that.”  
She’s silent for a while. Then she asks. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”  
I nod and she continues. “The morphling is calming you down, this is a good thing. There are times when you can separate the truth from the lies. So we’re going to continue to work on this. But here comes the tricky part. You will have to make a decision to trust us and to believe us. When we say that Katniss saved you instead of tried to kill you, you have to try to believe us. Right now, you immediately deflect us when we say such things to you.” 

I try to object but Marja holds up her hand. “No, wait. Let me finish. I know this is hard for you. You feel confused and you are in pain. Mourning the loss of your loved ones. But she is still here and you love her too. I believe the love you felt for her is still in there. It can still be found. Do you believe that too?”  
I shake my head. I may have loved her once, but she is dead to me now.  
“Okay,” The doctor says, “I understand you don’t believe that now. But do you believe we’re trying to help you? Don’t you think it’s a bit strange that we would all be lying to you or that we all don’t know the truth when it comes to Katniss?”  
“But you don’t know the truth. She’s been changed, and you just don’t see that.” I say.  
“But she hasn’t. She has lived here for more than six weeks now. And do you know what I saw whenever I saw her?” Marja asks. “A broken girl. Broken, because she lost you.”  
“Maybe she was broken because she failed to kill me. Or maybe she was just playing it. Did you ever think of that?”  
“Do you also think she played her sister? Does that make sense to you, Peeta?”  
“Nothing makes sense to me anymore.” I get out.  
“Her sister knows her better than anyone. And you’ve met her, you know who she is and that she can be trusted.” Marja’s tone is insistent. Trying to persuade me. “Peeta, you are intelligent enough. What do you think? Do you trust her?”  
“Prim?” I ask haltingly.  
“Yes, I mean Prim. Do you trust her?” 

I think of the blond girl stroking my hand. Then another memory surfaces. 

We are standing in the kitchen in Victor’s Village.  
She gives me a smile and says, “Hi Peeta, I’m so glad to see you here.”  
I smile back at her and she comes towards me and puts a hand on my arm. “I know this must be terrible for you, too,” she says.  
I nod and pour her a cup of tea. Prim checks on Gale who lies unconscious on the kitchen table. Then she turns to me again. Her eyes take on a serious expression. “Katniss has a lot of nightmares,” she says, “And when she does, sometimes she screams for you. I just thought you should know. You matter to her.”  
“Thank you,” I say. 

“Where did you go?” Marja asks me. “For a moment it seemed like you blacked out.”  
“I just remembered something.” I say. “I remembered Prim. In her house in the Victor’s Village.”  
“Was it a good memory?” Marja asks.  
“I think so. But there was pain as well.” I answer. “I’m not sure. Gale was there.”  
“Shall I ask Prim to come back so we can discuss it with her?” Marja says. “If you have any questions, she might know the answers.” 

When Prim comes I tell her about the memory. She nods and tells me what happened. Gale had been whipped by the Head Peacekeeper. Katniss was so upset. And Prim had told me about her screaming my name, because she thought it would make me see that Katniss cares about me.  
“I don’t think she cares about me anymore.” I say when Prim finishes the story.  
“Yes she does. She loves you.” says Prim.  
I wave her remark away. “If that’s true, then where is she?”  
“She’s in District Two.” Prim answers solemnly.  
“With Gale?” I ask.  
She nods. “He’s there too.”  
“You see,” I say, “She doesn’t love me. All lies, just lies. I told you, you can’t trust her.”  
I sink back in the cushions and suddenly I start crying. There is so much pain that I can’t control. It shrouds up my trust and belief. It’s so difficult to have faith in these people. So difficult. I know they’re trying to help me but there’s too much that is broken. Too many memories I can’t get rid off. Too many memories I can’t reconcile. Katniss, shiny, trying to kill me. Katniss, screaming my name. How is that supposed to tell me that she cares? How do I know what is real?  
I press my hands against my face and they get wet with tears. 

Prim is stroking my hand and makes soothing noises. “It will be okay,” she whispers. “We’re not going to give up on you.”  
“Let’s take a break and have some lunch now,” Marja says, “And this afternoon I want to try something else.”  
We have lunch with the three of us and after lunch Doctor Robert pays a visit.  
“How is everything going here? Ah, good, Peeta. I see you’re eating well. This is a good sign.” He smiles at me and pats my shoulder. “You are totally safe here, Peeta! We’ll get you out and about soon enough.”  
He turns to Marja and asks, “What is the plan for this afternoon?”  
“We thought of showing Peeta one of Katniss’s propos.” Marja says. “It hasn’t been aired, so he couldn’t have seen it before.”  
“And that will help?” Doctor Robert asks.  
“At least we can be sure it isn’t something that is tampered with.” Prim says, “It would be useful to see how he reacts on it.” She smiles at me reassuringly. “What do you think?”  
“Since when does it matter what I think,” I say bitterly. “People just use me as a piece in their games, regardless.”  
“It matters to me, what you think.” Prim says earnestly.  
“You’re the first one.” I answer. 

“We’re going to try it.” Marja says, decidedly. “Prim has a good point, it’s not tampered with. I will inject you with a dose of morphling again.” With this she gets up and injects the morphling in my IV line. It has the same effect as before, relaxing my muscles, making me feel at ease.  
The television pops on. I see trees and birds flying in the sky. Then the camera goes down and there she stands. At the sight of her I feel my muscles tense, my brain telling me she's a threat. She's dangerous. But the morphling helps me to stay calm and I think about what the doctor said to me. That I should try to trust them. Maybe I should try that. Nothing else has helped so far. And these people seem more trustworthy than the people from the Capitol. So I let out a deep breath and concentrate on what I see in front of me. Katniss is standing in a forest. Resting her hand on the rough trunk of a maple tree. The tree itself is filled with little black birds. Black birds with white patches on their wings.  
“Mockingjays,” I whisper. Prim, next to me, nods.  
Katniss looks a little upset but then she starts singing. Her voice a bit shaky at first but beautiful at the same time.

"Are you, are you  
Coming to the tree  
Where they strung up a man they say murdered three.  
Strange things did happen here  
No stranger would it be  
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree." 

The mockingjays in the trees start to join in with the song. Katniss continues with the second verse.

"Are you, are you  
Coming to the tree  
Where the dead man called out for his love to flee.  
Strange things did happen here  
No stranger would it be  
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."

"Are you, are you  
Coming to the tree  
Where I told you to run, so we'd both be free.  
Strange things did happen here  
No stranger would it be  
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."

The leaves of the trees rustle in the soft breeze. But everything else has fallen silent. I stare at the girl standing next to the tree. Singing this song so beautiful that the birds stopped singing to listen to her. 

"Are you, are you  
Coming to the tree  
Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me.  
Strange things did happen here  
No stranger would it be  
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree."

After this last verse it’s silent again for a long time. The leaves still rustle, but the birds don’t make a sound. 

I’m jolted back in time. In another place, on another day, there was a man singing this song.  
I’m sitting on the floor in the kitchen of the bakery, playing with dough puppets, when the door opens and he walks in.  
“Hello Peeta!” Mr. Everdeen says, smiling. “Is your father here?”  
“He’ll be here soon,” I say, “He’s running an errand.”  
“Do you mind if I wait for him?” Mr. Everdeen asks me.  
I nod my head, a little shy. I look at the man and think about what my father told me on my first day at school.

“See that little girl? I wanted to marry her mother, but she ran off with a coal miner,”  
“A coal miner?” I asked, incredulously. “Why did she want a coal miner if she could've had you?'  
“Because when he sings. even the birds stop to listen.” He answered.

Shall I ask him to sing? To see if it's true? I want to know if they stop listening, but I'm too shy to ask.  
Fortunately, I don't have to. Mr. Everdeen is standing on the threshold and looking at the apple tree in our backyard. A few mockingjays are hopping over the branches.  
"Want to hear something?" He asks me.  
I nod enthusiastically. "Yes!"  
He gives me a warm smile, similar to the few smiles I ever got from Katniss and then he starts singing. 

Are you, are you coming to the tree. 

He sings the entire song, and all the birds fall silent. Listening to what he has to offer.  
After he finishes the song they stay silent for a while. I look at the apple tree, its branches filled with little black birds who stare in silence at us.  
Then slowly, one by one, they pick up the tune and copy it. Mr. Everdeen laughs. "Amazing, these little creatures," he says.  
My father arrives from around the corner and with his arrival the birds fly off and the moment is over.

“Peeta,” someone is shaking my arm. I look up and see Prim's concerned face in front of me. “What's going on?”  
“I know this song,” I tell her, “I've heard it before.”  
“How? When?" Prim asks. Doctor Marja scribbles something down on her pad.  
“From your father,” I say to Prim. “I've heard him sing it. It was a long time ago. He came to the bakery to trade squirrels for bread. My dad wasn't there and while he waited for him he sang the song. I remember I wanted to hear if the birds would stop singing. My father told me they would. And they did.”  
Prim smiles. “This is good,” she says, “You found a memory! And it doesn't seem like there is anything negative about it.”  
I smile back. “No, you're right. It's a good memory.”

Later that night I lie awake in my bed, thinking about Mr. Everdeens song. The Hanging Tree. Somehow the song reminds me of Katniss. The memory is suddenly clear in my mind. I'll see you at midnight, she said. A lie. That was a lie. I didn't see her at midnight. Instead I was hauled up and imprisoned by the Capitol while she escaped and abandoned me. Whatever she is, a mutt, or maybe not a mutt, one thing is clear to me though. She can't be trusted. She used me. And she doesn't love me at all. These people here, thinking otherwise, well, they just don't know what I know. They're ignorant, they’re blind. 

I feel restless so I sit up in bed and put on the light in my room. Dr. Marja removed the restraints earlier today, which makes me free to walk around in my room. I get up and walk towards the door and try the handle. It's open, to my surprise. Did they forgot to lock it, or don’t they think it’s necessary anymore? In any case, I’m happy with this little bit of freedom given to me. There are muted voices coming from the hallway. Tentatively I step out of my room and into the hall, I walk slowly in the direction where the voices come from. “The girl is crazy,” I hear someone say. I stand still on the corner and see a large hall in front of me, the center of the hospital. There's a big screen hanging on one of the walls. In front of it are a few doctors and nurses and two men who look like guards. They wear dark grey uniforms and carry guns. 

But these people aren't interesting. What is interesting is what's on the screen. The girl that’s supposedly crazy. It's Katniss. She's standing in a square, wearing a black suit, which I can immediately tell, is made by Cinna. The simple elegance and the lines of the design give him away.  
A man is lying on the ground, his gun trained on her. An inexplicable feeling of dread comes over me. He's going to shoot her! I don't understand myself, but everything inside me screams for her to run, for him to put his gun down. But why? I shake my head lightly, trying to clear it and focus on what's happening on screen. 

The man with his gun trained on Katniss is wounded, he looks ragged and burned, a big hole in his cheek. Katniss is standing in front of him, her bow raised over her head.  
“I can't,” she says, clearly replying to a question he just asked. “That's the problem isn't it? We blew up your mine. You burned my district to the ground. We've got every reason to kill each other. So do it. Make the Capitol happy. I'm done killing their slaves for them.” With this she throws the bow on the ground and shoves it towards the man.  
“I'm not their slave,” the man replies.  
“I am,” Katniss says. “That's why I killed Cato...and he killed Thresh...and he killed Clove...and she tried to kill me. It just goes around and around, and who wins? Not us. Not the districts. Always the Capitol. But I'm tired of being a piece in their Games.”

A piece in their Games. I know that sentence. I’ve heard it before. No. More accurately, I’ve said that before. 

“Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to... to show the Capitol they don't own me. That I'm more than just a piece in their Games.”

We were on the roof of the training center. Katniss and I. And I told her there that I didn’t want to be a piece in their Games. She didn’t get it then, didn’t understand. Does she understand it now? Do I understand it? It is difficult to understand anything properly at this moment. Seeing her on that screen, willing for that man to kill her. But not wanting him to do so at the same time. It’s like there are two persons inside of me. Contradicting each other. 

In the meantime Katniss continues talking. “When I saw that mountain fall tonight, I thought... they've done it again. Got me to kill you - the people in the districts. But why did I do it? District Twelve and District Two have no fight except the one the Capitol gave us.” She kneels down and lands on her knees, her face in front of the wounded man. “And why are you fighting with the rebels on the rooftops? With Lyme, who was your victor? With people who were your neighbours, maybe even your family?”  
“I don't know,” the man says.  
Katniss gets up and turns around, looking up at the buildings surrounding the square. “And you up there? I come from a mining town. Since when do miners condemn other miners to that kind of death, and then stand by to kill whoever manages to crawl from the rubble? These people are not your enemy!” She circles back to the people on the square. “The rebels are not your enemy! We all have one enemy, and it's the Capitol! This is our chance to put an end to their power, but we need every district person to do it!”  
She extends her hands to the man, inviting him to hold on to her. “Please! Join us!”

Nothing happens for a short while. I can almost feel the tension on that square. A tension I feel inside of me as well. Will he shoot her? Do I want him to? Will he be shooting my enemy? Is she my real enemy? I’m still debating with myself when I see her get shot on television.


	9. I remember the bread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta's still in the hospital and he's getting tired of lying around all the time. Then someone comes to visit him, his old mentor, Haymitch. He gets Peeta to make a cake for Annie and Finnick. Baking brings back memories. Memories about the bread and the starving girl in the rain. When Haymitch comes again, Peeta asks him if he can see her...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 16 from Mockingjay.
> 
> Disclaimer: No, I don't own this...

"Missing"  
\- Evanescence

'You won't cry for my absence, I know -  
You forgot me long ago.  
Am I that unimportant...?  
Am I so insignificant...?  
Isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'm the sacrifice,  
You won't try for me, not now.  
Though I'd die to know you love me,  
I'm all alone.  
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,  
Knowing you don't care.  
And if I sleep just to dream of you  
I'll wake without you there,  
Isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me?'

“Always”  
In the morning, when I wake up, the word resonates in my head. There was something in my dreams triggering it. But it slipped away like mist through my fingers. Leaving me with just this one word and without knowing why? And I’m so tired of not knowing. 

I’m in my bed, in my room. The restraints are back, because I left the room without permission. It shows that I’m as much a prisoner here as I was in the Capitol.  
When Katniss got shot I cried out. A piercing scream that woke up half the hospital. Against my own will I leaped forward, stretched my hands towards the screen and fell on the floor. I don’t know what came over me. I wanted to see her, see what had happened to her. But I couldn’t get up and the guards and the doctors were on me immediately. Doctor Robert was yelling at the guards, because they weren’t at my door, where they’re supposed to be. I got so scared. They brought me back to my room. I was trashing around and screaming for Katniss. I kicked one of the guards in the nose. They bound my hands behind my back to try and restrain me. “Is she dead?” I cried out. No one answered.

Now I am alone again. Lying in my bed, feeling a throbbing pain where the guard hit me on my cheek last night. And thinking over a million questions. Never able to find the answers. Over and over again. Is she dead? Is that a good thing? Or should I cry? Is my heart broken? Isn’t something missing? I wish the doctor would come soon to inject me with more morphling. I have a feeling I could use it.  
When the door finally opens it’s not a doctor who’s standing there. A young woman, with a sheen of hair on her recently shaved head. It’s Johanna Mason.  
“Hi Peeta,” she says. “Where’s your morphling. I need some more.”  
I shake my head, surprised. “I don’t have it here,” I say, “The doctor inserts it in this tube.” I point at the tube that is attached to my arm. “But she carries it with her.”  
“Too bad,” Johanna says. She walks into the room and goes to sit on the edge of my bed. “Why the restraints? Should I be worried?”  
I shrug. “I went out of the room last night. Apparently I’m not allowed.”  
“Of course not,” she says impatiently, “You tried to kill Katniss. We can’t have you running around like a crazy man.”  
“I wasn’t running around.” I say annoyed, “And I’m not crazy either.”  
Johanna laughs at that. “You’re not? Okay, so tell me then, why’d you try to kill her?”

After weeks of morphling and talks with Prim, Delly and Dr. Marja, I’m suddenly not sure anymore about why I wanted to kill Katniss. “She’s dangerous.” I whisper but I already know this won’t work for Johanna.  
“See,” she calls out, “Crazy! Like I said. She’s not dangerous. And for you to think otherwise clearly shows you’re all sorts of deranged.”  
“Okay, whatever.” I say. I can’t say I like Johanna’s attitude all that much. “Is she still alive though?”  
“Katniss, you mean? Sure she is, got shot in Two last night, she’s in the hospital now. That suit Cinna put her in never gave that bullet a chance. She’ll be fine.” At this she rolls her eyes, clearly indicating that all the fussing about Katniss is clearly exaggerated.  
I sigh and stare at the ceiling. Katniss is still alive. It scares me to death and yet relief is washing over me at the same time.  
“Oh, here comes the doctor. Gotta go! See you later!” Johanna jumps of the bed and slips out of the room. Dr. Marja comes in seconds later. “Was that Johanna Mason?” she asks. I nod.  
“What did she want?” Marja asks.  
“Nothing,” I say. Despite her annoying character, I don’t want to tell on her to the doctor. She doesn’t need to know she came to steal morphling. I guess there’s some unspoken agreement that we won’t report fellow ex-prisoners.

The doctor checks my chart and my blood pressure. “Everything looks good,” she says, “But I just heard from the guard that you went out of your room and caused a fight. Is that true?”  
“I didn’t cause a fight.” I say, a little mad.  
“What happened?” Marja asks.  
“She got shot.” I bury my face in my hands. “I don’t exactly remember what happened after that.”  
“How does it make you feel, that Katniss got shot?”  
“Scared.” I answer. I close my eyes and Marja drops the subject. She looks at me intently.  
“You look tired. I’ll let you sleep for a while. No therapy sessions today, I think. But I’ll release you from these straps.”  
After she leaves my room I decide to make up my mind about Katniss. I should just not be bothered with her anymore. Not a mutt, possibly not. But also not a person of interest to me. I think this approach will give me peace. Break this chain of anxiety. 

In the evening, Delly comes to visit me. “Katniss is going to be fine,” she says.  
“Why should I care, Delly.” I say edgily. “She won’t try for me. When I bleed, she doesn’t care. She won’t cry for my absence.”  
“She would. She would care.” Delly says.  
I wave her comment away, impatiently.  
“You know, before, it didn’t matter to you,” she says. “It didn’t matter to you if she cared or not. You cared. You cared for her no matter what.” Her tone is sharp.  
“I don’t anymore, okay!” I shout at her. She backs off, shocked by my sudden outburst. “She’s a liar, Delly! And she can’t be trusted! She only cares for herself! Why can’t you see that?”  
Delly gets up from her chair and walks to the door. “We are here to help you, Peeta. Why can’t ’t you see that?” She slams the door on her way out.

That night in my dreams Katniss visits me, wearing a white silk bridal gown. “Don’t you care anymore?” She asks. “Don’t you care if I die?” The bullet hits her in her stomach and she starts bleeding. The blood dripping thick and red through her fingers on the white fabric of the dress and unto the ground. Covering everything in red.  
I wake up screaming. The nurse who is on the night shift hurries into the room, trying to calm me down. But Katniss is still standing there and I slash out at her in my rage. “Go away,” I scream, “Leave me alone! Even if I dream of you, I’ll wake without you.”  
The next day the nurse is replaced to another section in the hospital. My morphling dose is raised and the restraints are back on my arms.

We watch some tapes from the Games again. Katniss and I making out in that cave. It doesn’t feel good when I look at us kissing. It looks fake. That’s because it probably was fake. I think back to the day of Gale’s whipping and how upset she was about that. It’s so clear to me that she loves him, not me. She just used me and discarded me when she was done. The moment I outlived my use she put me aside like a bag of garbage. No, worse, because garbage gets a better treatment than I got. But the days in which I was treated like garbage are behind me. No more.

“There is someone here who wants to talk to you,” Marja tells me a couple of days later.  
“Who would possible want to talk to me?” I ask.  
“It’s your mentor, Haymitch Abernathy.”  
Haymitch. Of course, he is here in Thirteen. I haven’t thought of him in a long time, but here he is, in my life again. Anger courses through my body. “He betrayed me. He lied to me.” I hiss at Marja.  
“He did,” she simply says, “I think it would be good if you told him that. It’s good to speak your mind once in a while. Especially when the other person deserves it!”  
“Do you think this is a good idea?” I ask her.  
“Well, I want to see how it goes,” she says. “We’ll be right here.” She points to the dark glass behind her and I nod.  
“Very good, I’ll let him in.”

Haymitch looks thinner than I remember him. His skin has a sickly yellow color. No, he doesn’t look good. Maybe Delly is right, maybe I used to care. But I don’t care anymore. Not for this guy. Not how he looks or how he feels. He could drop dead now, for all I care.  
“What do you want?” I ask him, coldly.  
“I wanted to see how you were doing.” Haymitch says.  
“I’m doing great. No thanks to you.” I say.  
Haymitch sighs and stares to the ground. He shuffles around a bit. “I’m sorry, for what happened.”  
“You are? Well that’s useful for me. That really helps a lot with all the nightmares and the venom and stuff.” My voice drips in sarcasm. Haymitch looks at me with a pained expression, but doesn’t reply.  
Suddenly I burst out. “What were you thinking! Keeping those things from me, from Katniss. Why didn’t you tell us! How dare you! How dare you toy with our lives like that! This is just like before, you and Katniss keeping things from me. I can’t believe you did this to me.” I spit out the words. “You’re despicable. Really, Haymitch. I despise you.”  
“You’re right to do so.” He just says.

That pulls me up short. I didn’t expect him to agree with me. I thought he’d be mad because of my accusations. I fall silent and start fidgeting with the blankets on my bed.  
“Why didn’t you tell us?” I ask in a much quieter tone, after a couple of minutes.  
“We thought it was too dangerous.” Haymitch says, “That you couldn’t handle it.”  
“Because you look at us like we’re just kids?” I ask.  
“You are just kids.” Haymitch points out.  
“I don’t care. You should have told us. You should have told me.” I say.  
“I know, Peeta. I know.” Haymitch says.  
Another couple of minutes of silence follow.  
“You look better,” Haymitch says. “Do you feel better?”  
“I’m pretty confused,” I say. “And sick and tired of hanging around in this room all day. I want to do something, anything.” I look up at him. “Can you think of something? Do you have any influence here?”  
“I can ask Plutarch,” Haymitch replies. He hesitates before he continues, “ We’re going to need a cake.”  
“A cake?” I ask.  
“Yes,” says Haymitch, “A wedding cake for Annie and Finnick. They’re getting married. If you could make it, that would be great. I’ll ask if it’s possible, okay?” 

The doctors object at first. They don’t want me out of the hospital. Apparently I need constant supervision. They’re still afraid I’ll rip up the place after the whole fight with the guards, that night Katniss got shot. But Plutarch really wants the cake and he knows how to get his way. So in the end they clear a space in the hospital kitchen where I can work. Good Capitol quality ingredients are delivered. Plutarch comes to see me and asks how quickly I can work. “It needs to be ready for Friday,” he says, “Two days. Do you think you can make it?” The way he says it makes it sound more like an order than a request.  
I nod and go to work. It feels great, to do things with my hands again. Things I’m actually good at. Things I like to do. I notice the tremor in my hands is gone and I’m able to focus on the delicate and precise work.  
During my work the guards never leave my side. The door of the hospital kitchen is locked too. Delly comes to visit me though, and she helps me mix the colors for the frosting.  
“They’re from District Four, Peeta.” She tells me, “What will you put on the cake?”  
“Waves, I think,” I say, “And fish and sailboats. And seals.”  
“What’s a seal?” Delly asks.  
“It’s an animal.” I tell her, “I’ve seen them when I was in District Four. During the Victory Tour.”  
“You remember the Victory Tour!” she exclaims.  
I nod, “Vaguely.”  
She smiles happily. “I’m so happy for you, that you’re getting your memories back!” 

The head chef of the hospital kitchen is impressed with my work and asks me to help him with baking bread. “You’re a baker’s son, right?” He asks, “I can tell, this is good quality stuff.” ‘  
We make hearty bread, with nuts and raisins in them. I know the recipe by heart. At least I still have that. The smell of the bread baking in the oven tugs at a memory.  
“There is something about this bread.” I say out loud. The chef looks at me questioningly while the memory surfaces.

She was starving. She was dying. I gave it to her, the bread.  
Everybody tells me she’s not a mutt. That she is real. If I could see her, maybe I could see that too? Maybe I can see the dying girl in the mud behind the bakery. Soaking in the rain. Clutching to that bread like it was her lifeline. Which it was. I gave it to her, the bread. My mother hit me in my face because of it. And I knew that, I knew I was going to pay for it. So why did I do it?  
It takes a while before I find the answer, but when it comes to me, I’m thunderstruck.

I must have loved her a lot.

On the day of the wedding Haymitch comes to visit me again, while I’m working on the cake. “You did a great job,” he says.  
“It’s almost finished.” I answer. “How are Finnick and Annie doing?”  
“They’re happy. And you?” Haymitch asks.  
“I’d like to see her, Haymitch.” I say solemnly.  
For a moment Haymitch is caught off guard. Then he looks at me and grins, “Katniss? You want to see her?”  
“I’d like to see her. That is, if she wants it too.” I stumble over the words. “I mean, I did try to kill her. And, I don’t know. Maybe she doesn’t care.”  
“Maybe not,” Haymitch mumbles, “And maybe I don’t like white liquor either. And maybe, just maybe the world might not be round?”  
I ignore his remarks and just say, “Will you ask her?”  
“If you promise you won’t try to kill her.” Haymitch says, “And I want to clear it with your doctor too.”  
“You go and do that.” I answer. 

Dr. Marja tells me for the millionth time to breathe deeply in and out. “If you feel it coming, signal us,” she says. “There’s a drug connected to your IV, it will knock you out instantly. Remember, Peeta, she’s not a mutt. So no aggressive actions, don’t even think about it.”  
I sigh in exasperation. “You already said that. Everybody keeps saying that, I get it!” I realize I sound agitated so I lower my voice and add, “I feel calm, I’ll manage.”  
“Good,” she says, “You’re doing so well. I’m really proud of you!”  
She walks towards the door. “We’re right behind the glass.” She says, “Signal, if anything goes wrong.”  
I nod again and with that she leaves the room.  
The anxiety is building up in me. Katniss is coming. She’s waiting in the hall until everything is ready. I’m scared. I don’t know what to expect. Whether I can trust her, or if I can trust myself. But I want to see her, see the girl I gave the bread to. I want to know if I still care, like Delly said I used to do. I need to know.

The door opens slowly and she walks into the room. The first thing I see is the flicker of anxiety in her eyes. I stare at them intently. Those silver grey Seam eyes. I’ve looked in those eyes so many times. I don’t remember all these times, but these eyes are branded in my brain. Is there anything unnatural in them? In the way they shine? Is she real? My eyes trail over her entire body, trying to find anything that indicates Snow’s work. There’s nothing. This is just a girl, standing here in front of me. A small girl, almost insignificant.  
She crosses her arms over her chest and says in a small voice, “Hey.”  
"Hey," I reply, warily. I’m still not sure about her, and I absolutely don’t trust her.  
"Haymitch said you wanted to talk to me," she says.  
"Look at you, for starters." I say and I hear that my own voice sounds off and strained with tension.  
I squint my eyes a bit, tilt my head to the side. Trying to see what’s beyond seeing. But finally I reach the conclusion that there’s a girl standing in the room with me, that’s all. It’s that simple.

She’s nervous. I see her eyes dart to the glass. On the other side the doctors are probably scribbling notes on their pads. All of them waiting for me to go nuts. But I don’t intend to. Instead I break the silence by stating what I see in front of me. "You're not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty?"  
The astonishment in her face is clear. She didn’t expect me to say this. Her voice sounds cold when she replies, "Well, you've looked better."  
I chuckle at that. Here you have your proof, Delly. I think. I told you so, she doesn’t care.  
"And not even remotely nice.” I say, “To say that to me after all I've been through."  
"Yeah. We've all been through a lot. And you're the one who was known for being nice. Not me." Katniss snaps at me. For a moment I register shock on her face, and anger too. The fear for her creeps up in me. Why would she say such a thing to me. She’s so mean. I didn’t expect that. My mind reels. What will she do next? Is she going to kill me?  
But when she speaks again, she sounds tired and broken. "Look, I don't feel so well. Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow."

She turns and walks to the door. But this is no good. Because I am not sure yet. Have I seen her? The dying girl outside of my house? I have to know.  
"Katniss.” I say softly. “I remember about the bread."  
At this she turns around and looks at me.  
"They showed you the tape of me talking about it," she says.  
"No. Is there a tape of you talking about it? Why didn't the Capitol use it against me?" I ask.  
"I made it the day you were rescued," she says, "So what do you remember?"  
"You. In the rain," my voice drops to hardly more than a whisper. "Digging in our trash bins. Burning the bread. My mother hitting me. Taking the bread out for the pig but then giving it to you instead."  
"That's it. That's what happened," she says. "The next day, after school, I wanted to thank you. But I didn't know how."  
"We were outside at the end of the day. I tried to catch your eye. You looked away. And then...for some reason, I think you picked a dandelion." I say. I pause, unsure about what I want to say next, but I say it anyway, "I must have loved you a lot."  
"You did." Her voice catches and I realize she’s really having a hard time. She probably wants to be anywhere but here. But I’m not done with her yet.  
"And did you love me?" I ask.  
She doesn’t even have the guts to look me in the eyes when she answers. "Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me."  
"That's not an answer," I say sharply. "I don't know what to think when they show me some of the tapes. In that first arena, it looked like you tried to kill me with those tracker jackers."  
"I was trying to kill all of you," Katniss explains. "You had me treed."  
"Later, there's a lot of kissing. Didn't seem very genuine on your part. Did you like kissing me?" I ask.  
"Sometimes," she says, she glances to the glass again. "You know people are watching us now?"  
"I know.” I reply. People watching us is nothing new to me and I don’t care about them at all. It’s trivial compared to my need to know the truth.  
“What about Gale?" I say.  
A flicker of anger crosses over her face. "He's not a bad kisser either," she says curtly.  
This is the girl I used to love? Really? I must have had some bad taste, because there’s nothing nice about her. That’s something that’s as clear as glass.  
"And it was okay with both of us? You kissing the other?" I ask.  
"No. It wasn't okay with either of you. But I wasn't asking your permission," she says.  
Well, there you go. Here is the definite proof. I was a fool to love her, and to expect anything from her. I give a short laugh, because I want to show her she can’t hurt me anymore. "Well, you're a piece of work, aren't you?"

The grief is visible in her face, but she doesn’t comment. Instead she turns on her heels and leaves the room.  
She doesn’t care. I knew that and this conversation made that clear too. She just leaves me standing here. Forgot about me long ago. Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant? I shouldn’t care about this, but why do I feel so lost? So angry and abandoned? Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?  
She makes me question everything again. She makes the world shudder at its foundations. She makes me wonder if I’ll ever find peace again. And I hate her for it.


	10. The war inside my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta is still having trouble, going back and forth in flashbacks and haunting memories. Prim suggests he needs a change of scenery and the doctor agrees. He's allowed to eat in the dining hall with the others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 17 from Mockingjay.   
> This is part 2 of Mockingjay, Peeta's POV. Because this is a little different from the original, I've called Part 2 'The Aftermath'  
> Disclaimer: I don't own any of it.

Part 2 – The Aftermath

 

My immortal   
\- Evanescence 

'I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face—it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice—it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along' 

Blindsided. That’s how I feel when I hear I won’t be released from my guards.   
“Why not?” I ask Dr. Marja. “I did a great job last night. I didn’t attack her at all!”   
“I know that, and I’m really impressed by it as well,” Marja says, “But the level of venom in your blood still isn’t consistent. During the night we measured a really high peek. It must have been the aftermath of seeing Katniss yesterday.”   
“She was unbelievable.” I say. “She was so mean to me. I don’t understand what I ever saw in her.”   
“You should consider her side as well, Peeta. Before you judge her. She’s not capable of dealing with the things she has to deal with.”   
“That goes for all of us, doesn’t it?” I ask. “Dealing with this war. I don’t think any human being is capable of that.”   
“Maybe not, but she’s been put in a difficult place.” Marja says. “Having to be the Mockingjay, it puts a lot of pressure on her.”   
“Whatever. I wish that she would just leave.” I sigh deeply. “Her presence still lingers here, in my mind. Always in my mind. And she won’t leave me alone.”   
“That’s not her fault, Peeta.” Marja says quietly. “She’s not your enemy. She didn’t do this to you.”   
“But it was because of her.” I say. “ I guess it’s my own fault then. I shouldn’t have loved her, I shouldn’t have told everybody that I did. Instead I should have died in those games. Eating those berries.”   
“What’s done is done.” Marja says, “You should leave the past behind and look forward. Look at what life has to offer you.”   
“Life offers me nothing, Marja.” I answer. 

The days continue to pass. Dr. Marja makes me watch more tapes from both Games and the Victory Tour. I’m getting pretty sick of them. Seeing Katniss and me presented as star-crossed lovers, knowing it was all fake. It just makes me hate her more.   
Thankfully Prim and Delly are there to watch it with me sometimes. I’ve asked Prim why she would want to spend time with me after what I’ve done to her sister.   
“That wasn’t you.” She’s said.   
“Is this me then? Like I am now?” I asked her. She shrugged. I took it as a no. I guess it means we still don’t know who I am. 

Katniss never shows up. Not even a word, an apology comes from her. Delly tells me she’s busy with training for the fight with the Capitol.  
“This girl,” I say to Delly, “She’s a terrible person.”   
“No she’s not.” Delly immediately comes to her defense. “Katniss is great. She’s just going through a rough time.”   
“I really don’t see how that gives her the right to snap at me like she did.” I say.   
“Well, it’s not like you were acting all that nice to her! Maybe she just had a bad day. She was shot and I know her ribs hurt her a lot.” Delly explains and she smiles at me. “Katniss is a really nice girl. Really!” 

Thankfully, one day Dr. Marja stops with showing me tapes from the Games. She thinks I don’t need them anymore. There is no need to convince me that Katniss isn’t a mutt. I believe it now, at least I think I do. She’s just an awful person, that’s all. This conclusion gets reinforced by new memories coming back to me.   
Dr. Robert says it’s because of the retreat of the venom. The memories all circle around Katniss. Katniss and I on the Victory Tour. Those nights on the train. She was screaming my name. I took her in my arms. When she cried I wiped away her tears. I fought away her fears. I gave her all of me. And now she’s haunting my dreams. Whispering in my ears in the night. Chasing away the sanity in me. I hate her so much. 

“She destroyed my life.” I tell Delly, after I had a sleepless night, filled with memories of Katniss screaming in the Victory Tour train.   
“She did not.” Delly says patiently. “You have to see, it’s the torture they’ve put you through, that makes you see it like this.”   
“You weren’t there, Delly.” I tell her. “Those nights on the train. I’ve always been there for her. I’ve held her hand through all of it. I gave her everything. And what did she ever do for me in return? She handed me over to Snow.”   
“That’s not true, Peeta. She was devastated when she found out you were held captive. And it wasn’t her fault. She cares- ”   
I cut her off right there, “Don’t go telling me she cares about me. Stop lying.”   
"Okay, okay," Delly holds up her hands in defense, "I won't tell you she cares. But you're not being fair. You're not seeing things clearly."   
"I see things fine!" I shout at her, rage building up in me. "I'm not blind! I see it every night. Every day. She's haunting me, you know. She's driving me insane!"   
Three doctors run into the room. One of them takes Delly away while the others try to keep me to the bed. I'm thrown into some kind of flashback. Antonius hitting me. Telling me I'm a worthless piece of shit. I try to fight them off. "Stay away from me!" I shout at the monsters approaching me.   
The doctors have no choice but to sedate me again. 

"It was a minor setback," Prim says the following day, "Another peek in the venom level."   
I'm lying still, feeling exhausted after the events of yesterday.   
"In general you're doing better." She says.   
"I don't know," I say, "This is my life, Prim. Nothing will ever change. I can’t be saved from the void. I think there's too much that time cannot erase. Some wounds never heal."   
"And I think you need to get out of this room. Get some fresh air. That would be good for you." states Prim.   
"You tell that to the doctors," I shrug, "They won't let me out. I’m so tired of being here."   
She takes my hand in hers. "I'll talk to them."   
My eye catches some purple imprint on her wrist. "What's that?" I ask, pointing to the ink.   
"It's my schedule." Prim answers. "Every citizen of Thirteen is imprinted with a schedule every morning. At 22.00 we're scheduled for bathing, and then the water rinses it off."   
"So you're told what to do the entire time?" I ask. Prim nods.   
"How's that even better than how the Capitol treats us?" I say.   
"There's no reaping. There's no torture." Prim replies.   
"No, I give you that." I say, " But there's no life either."   
"Yes there is! We have time to have fun. We had Annie and Finnick's wedding. That was fun. We danced." Prim sounds enthusiastic, like the thirteen year old girl she's supposed to be. I can't help but to smile at her a little bit. 

Haymitch takes me for a stroll through the hospital. We don’t say much although I’m not really angry with him anymore. I am not sure if I’m anything with him anymore. He tells me he’s still my mentor and that he’s on my side. But what does that mean? He wasn’t on my side enough to keep me from getting caught by the Capitol. So I just shrug and ask him how he’s doing without his liquor. He grumbles a bit, which tells me he’s struggling. His skin is still a little yellow. After months of being here in Thirteen, he’s still not used to the absence of alcohol. When we’re back in my room I have to admit I did like spending this little time with him. At least he’s not constantly talking about Katniss, or asking me how I’ve been doing. It’s nice, someone who treats me like I’m normal, for a change. Or maybe just as crazy as he is.

Dr. Robert comes to visit me in the evening.   
“You’ve been going back and forth the last days,” he says. “But Prim said a change of scenery might be good for your recovery. Perhaps we can give it a try. Let's have you eat dinner in the dining hall tomorrow evening. Meet some people. See how that goes.”   
“Really?” I ask, “That would be nice.” The anticipation of going out of this room gives me a flicker of optimism.   
“I do want you in cuffs, though.” Dr. Robert says. “The guards will have to come with you, and you have to ask permission from the people you want to sit with.”   
“Why?” I snap at him. “Why do I need cuffs and guards?”   
“Peeta, honestly, you’re not trustworthy. I am sorry, I really am, but you keep lashing out without reason.” He looks at me apologetically. “If that happens in a room filled with people, you could do some real damage. You don’t want that, do you?”   
I sigh and nod my head. At least they're allowing me to go. 

The guards put handcuffs around my wrists, there's a short chain between the cuffs so I can move my arms. Not far enough for it to be comfortable though, but they refuse to adjust it. We walk together to the large dining room where the entire district have their meals. They provide me with a tray and I'm served with a bowl of stew and a few slices of bread. With the tray filled with food balancing on my fingertips I scan the dining hall. Where to go?  
I make out the blond hair of Delly a couple of tables away from me. As I'm walking in her direction I see Katniss is sitting at that same table. Next to Gale. I freeze in my tracks, stare at her from across the table. She looks different, more relaxed. It’s as if she’s almost happy, listening intently to a story Finnick is telling. She laughs. The sound of it ringing in my ears.   
Suddenly she looks up and her eyes lock with mine. She’s so shocked at the sight of me that she chokes on her bread. The others at the table turn to look at me as well. Gale looks hostile, Johanna surprised, Finnick and Annie shocked. Only Delly offers me a smile.

“Peeta!” says Delly. “It's so nice to see you out...and about.”  
They all keep staring at me, Katniss included. It makes me feel self-conscious and a little anxious. Can I even do this? Won’t it be better to go back to my hospital room, where everything is familiar and safe and I’ll be alone? But I don’t want to be alone, so I decide to stay put and get myself through this.   
“What's with the fancy bracelets?” asks Johanna.  
“I'm not quite trustworthy yet,” I explain. “I can't even sit here without your permission.” I nod with my head in the direction of the guards.

“Sure he can sit here. We're old friends,” says Johanna and she pats the chair next to her while she waves at my guards. I turn around to look at them. They nod in assent and I take the seat.  
“Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol. We're very familiar with each other's screams.” Johanna tells the others at the table. As if it is a nice memory we share. I do remember feeling some comfort in all the horror, knowing she was there, but those screams...   
I see Annie, on Johanna’s other side cover her ears with her hands. I look at her intently. This is the girl in the cell next to me, I remember her. Finnick wraps his arm around her, looking angry.  
“What? My head doctor says I'm not supposed to censor my thoughts. It's part of my therapy,” Johanna says defiantly.  
Finnick ignores her and starts whispering to Annie. The rest of the people at the table continue to eat and I follow their example. All the while I’m thinking about Finnick. I haven’t seen him since we split up at the lightning tree. Back then I was puzzled by his actions and the motivations behind it. Why did he try to save me? Now I know. It was for her. For Katniss. Because she is the Mockingjay. And what am I? Unimportant enough, dispensable, that much is clear.

“Annie,” says Delly brightly, “did you know it was Peeta who decorated your wedding cake? Back home, his family ran the bakery and he did all the icing.” I look up at her and give her a smile, at least she still sees something positive in me.  
Annie cautiously looks across Johanna and her eyes lock on mine. “Thank you, Peeta. It was beautiful.”  
The girl from the cell next to me. This is the first time I actually see her. I’ve seen her before on television of course, but all I know about her was her voice coming to me through a wall. Telling me how she and Finnick swam in the ocean. This memory tells me that Annie is all right and that I can trust her, unlike Finnick.  
I give her a warm smile. “My pleasure, Annie.” She smiles back at me. 

“If we're going to fit in that walk, we better go,” Finnick says to Annie. They both get up, Finnick carrying their trays. His other hand entwined with hers. I watch their fingers locked and it tugs at another memory. Katniss and me, walking hand in hand through the Seam. Our fingers entwined. Was that fake too?  
“Good seeing you, Peeta.” Finnick says and nods at me.  
“You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from you.” I reply, telling him with this that I don’t trust him. Annie is obviously fragile and in need of protection. Finnick needs to be warned that Annie deserves someone who takes care of her. And he’d better be that someone for her.  
“Oh, Peeta,” says Finnick lightly. “Don't make me sorry I restarted your heart.” With that he walks away with Annie, glancing back to Katniss once, and then they’re gone.  
He restarted my heart. Well, that’s just fantastic, isn’t it. I guess it means I should be grateful forever. He rescued me so I could land in hell. Thanks so much for that, Finnick.

Delly turns to me and furrows her brow. She sounds disapproving when she says, “He did save your life, Peeta. More than once.”  
“For her.” I say, indicating Katniss with my head. “For the rebellion. Not for me. I don't owe him anything.”  
I see a flicker of anger flash in Katniss’s eyes, “Maybe not. But Mags is dead and you're still here. That should count for something.” She says in a sharp tone.  
I look at her, thinking of how much I loathe this girl sitting in front of me.  
“Yeah, a lot of things should count for something that don't seem to, Katniss. I've got some memories I can't make sense of, and I don't think the Capitol touched them. A lot of nights on the train, for instance,” I say pointedly. The fact that these memories come with a strange feeling of longing only infuriates me more. 

Katniss looks shocked and then casts down her eyes, staring at her plate. Gale next to her lets out a snort. I take another bite of the stew and then gesture towards them with my spoon.   
“So, are you two officially a couple now, or are they still dragging out the star-crossed lover thing?”  
“Still dragging,” says Johanna.  
Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised, but I don’t like her answer. Being a star-crossed lover is living a lie. And the fact that they still make us live this lie maddens me. I want to shout out that she doesn’t love me, that she doesn’t even care. I have been there for her for so long. Held her in my arms. Trying to keep her sane. And what was that? What did it mean? It wasn’t real. And after all that has happened she’s still with me. But I’ve been alone all along. I don’t want to feel this hurt anymore. I don’t want to be weak. And Katniss, she deserves my anger, not the satisfaction of my suffering. 

The memories of Katniss and me kissing for the audience, playing out a romance that wasn’t there cause me to ball my hands into fists. Spasms are coming over me and I try to remain composed by breathing deep breaths. Calm down, I tell myself.  
Across the table I see Gale tense up. What’s he going to do? Hit me? If he really does that I’ll lose it for sure. I’m struggling, having a battle with myself to stay composed. If he does so much as move an inch he will trigger me into a fight. But Gale simply says, “I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself.”  
“What's that?” I ask him.  
“You,” Gale answers.  
“You'll have to be a little more specific,” I say impatiently. “What about me?”  
“That they've replaced you with the evil-mutt version of yourself,” says Johanna.  
I stare at her uncomprehendingly. An evil-mutt version? What is she saying? What does she mean by that?  
Gale empties his glass and rises from the table. “You done?” he asks Katniss. She nods and gets up as well. I watch them walk away and mutter, “Star-crossed lovers. Are they freaking kidding me?”

Delly nudges my arm. I look up and see the frustration in her eyes. “Peeta, you’re not being fair to her,” she says, “I told you before, this is the Capitol making you all bitter. She doesn’t deserve this.”  
“She doesn’t?” I ask, feeling annoyed. “Why do you always take her side?”  
“Because hers is the good side!” Delly’s voice shoots up, indicating she’s really angry with me, which is very rare. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her this angry. “Things are already bad enough as it is. We don’t need you to make it worse.”  
There’s a war inside my head. Thoughts are jumbling over each other. I try to make out which thoughts are the real ones, and which ones are shiny. But they make no sense. Katniss crying because of me. I see her pounding on a glass door, separating me from her. Screaming her head off, my name on her lips over and over again. Then suddenly there’s Mags dying because of me. Placing a kiss on Finnick’s lips and walking straight into the fog. “You only make it worse.” I hiss at myself.  
“What? Who is?” Johanna asks.  
“I am,” I answer, “I make everything worse.”  
“No,” Delly says, “That’s not what I mean, Peeta. Don’t say that.”  
“But it’s true,” I answer. Suddenly a flashback attacks me. Katniss, shining. Trying to catch me and pull me down. “It’s your fault,” I shout at her, “Go away. Why won’t you leave me alone!”

“Who is he talking to?” Johanna says and she turns around in her chair, waving at the guards. “I think he’s losing his mind again!”  
I hit my fist against my head, trying to get rid of the screaming voices. The guards appear behind me and take my arms. At first I try to fight them, but they’re stronger than me and somewhere inside my befuddled mind I know it’s better to let them take me. So I stand up and let them guide me back to my hospital room. I’m completely drained and practically fall into my bed when we arrive there.   
Sleep doesn’t come, I’m restless, thrashing around. Drawing away the blankets, hauling them back up again. Finally I give in and call for a doctor. “Please give me something,” I ask Dr. Robert, who is on the night shift. “I’m so tired of being here.”  
The doctor concedes and gives me a dose of sleep syrup. I want the dark of night to carry me away to a place where there’s peace, where unconsciousness used to give me comfort. But nothing’s happening. I keep hearing the voices. Katniss, always Katniss, haunting my once pleasant dreams. Johanna is screaming in the cell next to mine. Darius is making those horrible sounds. Lavinia giving that ear piercing shriek before she dies. This pain is just too real.   
Everything screams in my dreams tonight.


	11. Back to the Capitol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta's doing a little better every day. He meets new people, starts training, has a nice long talk with Prim. But then he's send back to the Capitol, by President Coin herself. What will this return to the place of torture evoke?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 18 from Mockingjay.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own this story.

“Worn”  
\- Tenth Avenue North

'I’m tired, I’m worn  
My heart is heavy  
From the work it takes  
To keep on breathing  
I’ve made mistakes  
I’ve let my hope fail  
My soul feels crushed  
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest  
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win  
Let me know the struggle ends  
That you can mend a heart  
That’s frail and torn  
I want to know a song can rise  
From the ashes of a broken life  
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn  
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up  
But I'm too weak  
Life just won’t let up

My prayers are wearing thin  
Yeah, I’m worn  
Even before the day begins  
Yeah, I’m worn  
I’ve lost my will to fight  
I’m worn  
So, heaven come and flood my eyes'

I throw my pillow across the room and let out a wail. “Stop screaming at me,” I whisper, almost choking in the tears. “I can’t take it anymore. I’m worn.”  
There’s a heaviness in my heart. I feel so weak and frail, and torn. When will this struggle end? I search my heart and find that I really need some kind of happiness in my life to make it worthwhile again.

The day arrives and Dr. Marja comes to see me. “You were having an attack again,” she says.  
I nod, “I know that, I was there. And it’s so draining.”  
“Did you sleep?” she asks, concerned.  
“Not much, I had a lot of nightmares.” I confess, “I’m worn, Marja. I need to see something positive is still a possibility in this world. I need to see redemption win. Can we have peace and happiness again?”  
“Yes, we can,” she says, seriously, “I really believe we can. But we have to look for it in the right places. I was thinking it’s best for you to stay clear of Katniss and others you know from the Quell or from District Twelve. They are too much of a trigger for you.”  
“So, what do you suggest?” I ask.  
“I don’t think lying around this room is helpful. Perhaps you can help the hospital chef with baking again?” Marja suggests.  
I shake my head. “I really don’t feel like baking,” I say. I don’t add that it reminds me too much of my father and our bakery. Turned to ashes. All gone, so violently destroyed. No. I need something happy.  
“Something else then, something that isn’t connected to anything?” she says.  
“Sure.” I reply, “I’ll do something else. But I don’t know what.”  
“We’ll figure something out.”

One of my guards knocks on my door and enters the room. “Yes, Joseph?” Marja asks.  
Joseph. I never even considered the names of my guards. So this one’s called Joseph? He’s the more sympathetic one, to be honest. He always wears an expression of kindness on him.  
“I overheard you talking,” Joseph says. “I wanted to go home this afternoon, to check on my twins. I haven’t seen them for such a long time with all the overtime hours I’ve been working. Maybe Peeta could come. They are funny, my sons. You’ll like them!”  
“But they’re kids?” Marja asks, “Are you sure this is a good idea?”  
“I trust Peeta will be fine and I really think they resemble something positive.” With this Joseph gives a big smile. “Morgan can come too, so Peeta will have two guards with him. I don’t think it’ll be a problem.”  
“What do you think?” Marja asks me.  
“I love kids,” I say. “How old are they?”  
“They’re three years old. They’re called Samuel and Levi.” Joseph replies.  
“Samuel and Levi.” I repeat. In my mind’s eye I see two kids running around, playing, and shouting out in laughter. My father chasing them and picking them both up in his arms. This memory, I must have been a toddler. I can’t believe it’s coming back to me. “I had two brothers.” I whisper. “Brannick and Rye are their names.”  
There’s silence in the room while I think of my brothers. Witty, funny guys. Strong and handsome too. Rye had a girlfriend. They were going to get married, I think. They were so in love. Brannick was always joking around; he made me laugh very often. A smile creeps over my lips, thinking of them, although the pain of missing them is still there as well. I haven’t even considered mourning them, because I was so occupied with my own recovery.  
“It sounds like a great idea!”Marja breaks the silence. “This afternoon, you’re going to visit Joseph’s kids.”

We walk through the halls of the hospital towards the elevators. Joseph lives on the fifteenth floor. Under ground. Almost the whole of District Thirteen is underground, except for a couple of buildings. But after the last bombing from the Capitol even they are deserted.  
“We’ve always lived underground.” Morgan, the other guard, tells me. “Ever since the Dark Days.”  
“Doesn’t it make you crazy?” I ask, “To never see the sky. The stars, the sun. Don’t you miss that?”  
“We come outside sometimes.” Joseph says, “For exercises and drills.”  
“But do you ever come outside just to be outside?”I ask again, “Just to appreciate the fresh air?”  
“Not that often,” Morgan says. “You’re right. I do miss it. I would be happy if this war would come to an end and we can breathe the fresh air again and feel safe.”  
“That would be nice,” I reply, “to feel safe again.”

The elevator delivers us at the fifteenth flour and we walk through the halls to Joseph’s apartment. He looks at me cautiously and then takes off the chain between my wrists. “I trust you,” he says. “These things are only a reminder of negative things. Today is about positivity!” He gives me a smile and opens the door. I feel strangely moved at this sign of confidence he has in me.  
We walk into a simple living room. A table surrounded by five chairs. There’s a comfortable couch and in front of it a large carpet. On the carpet sit two little boys with light brown hair and hazel eyes playing with each other. They turn their heads simultaneously and jump up. “Daddy, daddy!” They yell and run towards Joseph.  
The door to another room opens and a pregnant woman appears in the doorway. “Joseph!” She exclaims, “What a nice surprise!”  
He gives his wife a hug and turns to me. “I brought a visitor.” He says. “This is Peeta.”  
His wife stretches out her hand to me. “I know that! Hello Peeta! I’m Ester. It’s nice to meet you.”  
“Nice to meet you too.” I say and take her hand. It feels warm and soft in mine. She smiles and points to the boys hanging at Josephs pants. “And these little scamps are Samuel and Levi! Samuel, Levi, say hi to Peeta.”  
The boys turn around and let go of their father. “Hello Peeta,” they say in unison. I chuckle a bit. “They sure are twins.” I say, “Are they always so simultaneous?”  
“Not always, but often.” Ester says. “Would you like a cup of tea?”

We go to sit at the table while Ester makes tea. The kids are shouting and yelling while Joseph tickles them. It’s the most joyous thing I’ve witnessed in a long time. Levi crawls on my lap and pulls at my hair. “Youw haiw is yellow,” he states. I nod. “Yes it is.”  
“It’s called blond.” Ester corrects.  
“Blond.” Levi repeats. “And cuwly.”  
“Yes, curly too,” Ester says and smiles at me. “He has a slight lisp.” She explains.  
“I hear that,” I say. “But he’s only three, right? It will get better. I had trouble pronouncing the ‘r’ until I was five.”  
“Really? Well, that’s good to know,” she hands me a cup of tea.  
After we’ve finished the tea, Morgan and I play with the boys while Joseph and Ester talk.  
At one point I’m lying on the carpet with both of the boys jumping on me, laughing and giggling. It’s so amazing to feel normal again, even if it’s just for this afternoon.  
“I would love to be a father.” I say to Morgan.  
He nods and says, “I’m sorry she had a miscarriage.”  
“A what?” I ask and stare at him uncomprehendingly. “She had a what?”  
In the sudden silence that follows Joseph gets up from the chair and walks towards us. Clearly he didn’t hear what Morgan just said. Both Levi and Samuel sit still and look at us. “What’s wrong?”Joseph asks while he lifts Samuel from my chest and indicates Ester to take Levi.  
Morgan’s cheeks turn beet red. “I’m sorry,” he stammers, “I shouldn’t have said that.”  
Slowly I get up, feeling my muscles getting taut from the sudden tension and fear. “A miscarriage?” I whisper.  
“Back to the hospital,” Joseph says, “Immediately.”

He takes my arm and leads me out of the house. “I’ll see you tonight,” He says over his shoulder to Ester. Samuel bursts out in tears, sensitive to the sudden change in the atmosphere. Morgan stumbles after Joseph and me and closes the door behind him. Fear is getting a hold of me and I know I can lash out any moment. Because of that I hold my wrists out to Joseph. “Cuff me,” I say. I’m hardly aware of what happens next. Black spots are swimming before my eyes. Lies. So many lies. A miscarriage. A baby that was never there. I break down and collapse into myself. Strong arms lift me and carry me back.  
Once I’m in my room and in my bed I start to cry. Really cry. I’m weeping for my lost child. My non-existing child. A child that will never be there. It existed only in the deception I created. It was my own deceit. I’ve made this mistake. My soul feels crushed under the weight of my guilt and these never ending lies. “My child,” I whisper into the pillow. “I’m so sorry. I killed you.”  
My heart feels heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing, but I finally manage to fall asleep.

The boy has blond curls, like mine. He’s running around on his toddler legs but comes to a stop when he sees me. His eyes light up, shining like silver. “Daddy!” he calls out and starts running to me. I catch him and hold him in my arms. My eyes lock with his and I freeze. Shocked to my very core. These eyes. They’re Katniss’s. Shining silver grey, the way she used to look at me. “Katniss?” I ask. But there’s no answer. The boy dissolves in my arms and I’m alone again.

A couple of days later Marja tells me I’m supposed to start with workouts. Join the training of the soldiers. “Why?” I ask her, “Do they expect me to fight? Do you think I’m capable of that?”  
“Plutarch assured me it was just for the cameras. I didn’t think it was a good idea,” Marja says, “But they say it will really help the rebellion. That people will see you’re on our side.”  
I nod slowly. If they think it will help the rebellion I’m okay with running a few rounds. It’s not that I’m having such a crammed agenda right now anyway.  
The next day I’m escorted to the training area. Joseph and Morgan accompany me but I don’t have to wear the shackles anymore. I can’t really do any workout with them on.  
The class they put me in, is filled with fourteen and fifteen year olds, but their condition is better than mine. However, I enjoy the workouts. They make me feel alive.  
Katniss is there as well, in an advanced class, together with Johanna. But I ignore her, because everything connected to her will only set me off. I’m still bent on trying to find happiness again. To know that what’s dead inside can be reborn, and I know she’s not going to give me that. So I pay no attention to her at all, even though Plutarch is trying to talk me into being filmed with her for a propo.  
“If you want a propo of me ripping her head off?” I say, “That would be possible. But I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for, is it?”  
Plutarch shakes his head and walks away, muttering under his breath about our unwillingness to cooperate. I guess he’s not used to people saying no to him. 

Weeks go by in which not much happens. I start to feel better physically. Become more healthy every day. My memory is still hazy and muddled, and there are a lot of things I don’t know anymore. Dr. Marja says there’s no way to tell if they’ll ever come back. But it’s getting better. Until one day in the training room, I notice Katniss isn’t there anymore. No matter how hard I tried to ignore her, she’s always everywhere and her absence catches my attention.  
That evening Prim comes to visit me in the hospital. While she hands me a mug of tea I ask her, “Where’s Katniss?”  
“She’s off to the Capitol.” Prim says. She looks worried.  
“So, she’s going to save us all?” I ask, sarcastically.  
Prim looks at me and shakes her head. “Do you still hate her so much?” She asks.  
“I wish she’d leave me alone. She’s always with me. Haunting me, you know.”I say, and I sigh. “I’m dying to find rest. To mend my heart, because it’s torn.”  
“So is hers.” Prim answers. “She’s frail. Maybe you don’t see that, but I do. And I know there was a time you knew that too.”  
I wave her comment away. “You don’t have to tell me she’s amazing.” I say, “Delly does that every day and it’s driving me nuts.”  
Prim shakes her head. “I don’t intend to. But I want to tell you who she really is. I’m her sister, I know her best. Delly talks about her like she’s some kind of deity. But I know she’s not.”  
“Then tell me,” I say while I lift myself into a sitting position. “Who is she?”

Prim wraps her hands around the mug and starts her story.  
“My sister, she had to grow up too fast. Our father died when she was eleven and our mother turned into a shell shocked person. Hiding inside herself. We almost starved to death until that day Katniss came home with two loaves of bread. I’ll never forget that day. The day of our salvation.” She looks at me and smiles knowingly. I think back to that day. Did Katniss tell her I gave it to her?  
“We ate until we couldn’t hold any more. Katniss took up hunting. Started to provide for us. Trading in the Hob. Life hardened her because she needed to be strong all the time. Our mother returned to us, awoke from her depression. But Katniss had closed off her heart for her. She didn’t trust her anymore.”  
Prim takes a sip of her tea and continues. “Katniss never needed anyone. She was doing just fine on her own. Sure, having Gale as a hunting partner was nice, but he wasn’t necessary. She could do without him. She didn’t let anyone in. I think she build up walls around her heart, too afraid to get hurt. The pain she experienced after our father died made her wary. And seeing what that did to our mum. She always told me she never wanted to get married, never wanted to have kids. Our mother’s grief was a bad example for her. Her walls were standing strong until the day of the reaping. But then everything changed. When I saw you two in that cave in your first Games. I could see it so clearly. She was struggling with those walls. You were tugging at them, breaking them down brick by brick. And she couldn’t let you do that. To her being vulnerable was dangerous, needing someone was dangerous. She needed our father, and he died. She needed our mother and she abandoned her. She knew that loving someone equals getting hurt.”  
“Well, that much is true.” I say solemnly.  
“Maybe,” Prim muses, “But it also gives you the greatest joy in life. But Katniss was too afraid. So she closed the door for you. Trying to keep you away. Of course, because of the pressure from the Capitol and the Victory Tour, that was impossible. It became clear to me when you returned from that Tour. You were settled in her heart already. Too deep to be removed. She never screamed for anyone else but our father in her dreams. For him to run from that mine, to keep him from dying. But it had changed. She started screaming for you, I told you this. And I knew the truth. She loved you. And she still does. Because Katniss can’t stop loving someone once she’s started it. When she gives herself, she gives herself wholly. There’s no turning back from that. Not for her.”  
Prim is quiet for a little while, but I don’t respond because I’m too absorbed in my doubt. Her story, it has a ring of truth to it. But how is that possible, that Katniss would love me? While I ponder these questions Prim goes on. “But the tide turned, the Quell came and after that you were held prisoner by the Capitol. I saw her deterioration in those first weeks after we came to Thirteen. She barely slept, her dreams again filled with you. Snow did to you what he could to try to break her. He succeeded. When you came back and tried to kill her, you did everything she was so afraid for. You broke her down. I’m not blaming you, it’s not your fault. But this is the effect you have on her. She trusted you, she needed you. She lost you.”  
Prim sighs and concludes, “And that’s why her heart is torn too.” 

“You tell a great story.” I say when she falls silent.  
She sighs deeply, disappointed by my reaction. “Doesn’t it mean anything to you?”  
“Maybe she needed me to throw her that bread.” I say. “But it’s bygone. It’s in the past and it doesn’t matter now. She doesn’t need me anymore.”  
“You loved her.” Prim says.  
“But that too is past tense.” I reply.  
“I wish you’d come back to her.” Prim whispers, and to my amazement I see a tear sliding down her cheek.  
“For what?” I ask, genuinely surprised. “To let her break me down?”  
“No.” She says, “To make her whole again.”  
I laugh quietly. “I highly doubt she wants me to do that. But let’s say, for arguments sake, she wants it and I could do it. Perhaps this sounds incredibly selfish to you, but can I ask you what’s in it for me?” I say, raising my eyebrows at her. “What good would it do me to make her whole again?”  
“You are the one who wanted to find rest. To mend your heart.” Prim replies. “She’s in there, you know that. She’s in your heart, even though you can’t see it right now.” Prim sounds serious as she points to my chest. “Find her again and you’ll find yourself.”  
She gets up and walks to the door. “It’s late, I’m going to bed. See you tomorrow.”

That night I lie awake, thinking about Prim’s last words. Find her again and you’ll find yourself. I didn’t argue with her, because I thought it’d be useless. But I don’t believe her. Katniss is not the key to my heart. She’s the cause of all my confusion, not the solution. I have to find a way to get rid of her somehow. At least now I know where she is. In the Capitol, in the heat of the battle. There might even be a chance I’ll never see her again. Perhaps she’ll even die there. I wonder if that would help me. But that night I dream of Katniss again, of losing her. And it’s not a relieve, it’s a nightmare. One that feels strangely familiar.

At the end of that week I’m called into Command. The room in which the decisions are made. For the first time I meet the president of District Thirteen, Alma Coin. She looks stern, her hair is long and grey. I’m guessing she’s about fifty years old. I don’t really know what to think of her. She shakes my hand and asks me how I’ve been faring. Then Plutarch tells me why I’m there.  
“There’s a squad in the Capitol. Squad 451. And they’re there to make war propaganda. So called propos.” Plutarch says.  
I nod, I remember the word. Portia had told me about Katniss making propos.  
“We want you to be a part of this squad. You’ve always been good in front of a camera. We need these propos to liven up a little. To motivate the districts.” Plutarch says.  
“We believe you’ll do a great job,” President Coin chimes in and nods at me encouragingly.  
“Really?” I ask, “You really believe that?”  
Apparently they do, because I get the number 451 stamped on the back of my hand and am ordered to change into military suit and prepare to leave.

I say goodbye to Prim, Delly and even Haymitch. He puts an arm on my shoulder. “Be careful,” he says. And then, to my surprises, he gives me a tight hug. Reluctantly I hug him back, not being used to this kind of physical contact anymore.

Dr. Marja storms into my room in the hospital, where Plutarch is waiting while I get ready. It’s almost like there’s steam coming out of her ears, so angry is she at this turn of events. “Are you mad!” she shouts at Plutarch. “Have you completely lost your mind! You can’t send him back there, who knows what it will do to him?”  
“Now calm down,” Plutarch says, “He won’t be sent into actual battle.”  
“That doesn’t matter!” Marja is still yelling, “Being there will be triggering enough. And he was doing so well these last few days.”  
“It’s the president’s orders.” Plutarch tells her. “He’s going.”  
“I can’t believe it.” Marja mutters, “I can’t believe she’s doing this to him.”  
I place a hand on her arm. “I’ll be okay, Marja.” I tell her. “I’ll manage.”  
“But what will you do when you get a set back?” she asks, “Where will you go?”  
“There are plenty of people there to help me,” I say, more for her sake than for mine, because I don’t feel confident that I’ll be okay. In fact, I feel shaky and scared. But I don’t let it show.

Plutarch accompanies me to a hovercraft. There I’m left to my own devices. There are other soldiers heading to the Capitol as well, so I’m not alone. One of them hands me a gun, and I swing it reluctantly over my shoulder. It feels weird to carry a loaded gun, I carried one during training, but that didn’t have real bullets in it. And there are no guards anymore, no manacles. They’ve given me a freedom which I’m not even sure I want. Can I handle this?

The hovercraft brings us directly to District One. Normally it would go to Twelve and we’d take the train from there, but they seem to be in a hurry to get us to the Capitol. From District One the rest of the journey goes by train, it’s not far from there. The train station in the Capitol looks awfully familiar. I’ve been here before. As a tribute, for the Hunger Games. I was supposed to die in them, but I’m still here. A shiny memory surfaces and I remember what Dr. Marja told me just a couple of days ago. “Just remember, shiny memories aren’t real.” So I try to push it away and focus on where to go. One of the soldiers I’ve been travelling with points me to my squad. Squad 451 is the Star Squad. Which means I know some of them. People I’ve tried to get away from, but apparently that’s impossible. When I walk in their direction and they notice me, the confusion on their faces is clear.  
The head of the Squad, Commander Boggs, comes towards me and asks me to hand over the gun. I can see in his body language that he’s tense and angry, so I give it to him without complains. “I’m going to call Thirteen about this,” he says and walks off. A feeling of unease creeps over me.  
"It won't matter," I say to the people around me. "The president assigned me herself. She decided the propos needed some heating up."  
Katniss looks at me incredulously and then abruptly walks away. Finnick is more helpful, showing me a place where I can pitch my tent. I try to stay calm but I’m afraid. Afraid to be here in the Capitol, where I feel I’m surrounded by enemies, where I feel more dead than alive.


	12. Real or not real?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta's back in the Capitol. Katniss is being hostile, Boggs takes away his gun. These people feel more like his enemies than his guard. This is not good. All the progress he made in Thirteen is washed down the drain in these dire circumstances. And he has no idea what's real and what's not real anymore. Then Jackson comes up with a game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 19 from Mockingjay.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own Mockingjay, it's all Suzanne Collins

“Lost”  
\- Within Temptation

'She's lost in the darkness  
Fading away  
I'm still around here  
Screaming her name  
She's haunting my dream world  
Trying to survive  
My heart is frozen  
I'm losing my mind

Help me, I'm buried alive  
Buried alive' 

“Fire and Ice”  
\- Within Temptation

'Every word you're saying is a lie  
Run away my dear  
But every sign will say your heart is deaf

Bury all the memories  
Cover them with dirt  
Where's the love we once had  
Our destiny's unsure

Why can't you see what we had  
Let the fire burn the ice  
Where's the love we once had  
Is it all a lie

And I still wonder  
Why our heaven has died  
The skies are all falling  
I'm breathing but why  
In silence I hold on  
To you and I

Closer to insanity  
Buries me alive  
Where's the life we once had  
It cannot be denied

You run away you hide away  
To the other side of your universe  
Where you're safe from all that hunts you down  
To the other side of your universe

And it feels too late so you're moving on  
But can you find your way back home

Every word you're saying is a lie'

I've never really seen an army like this before. Everywhere I look there are endless rows of tents and people swarming around. In the centre of the camp there’s a big area set up for cooking and eating. We’re in the Capitol, I can see the coloured houses around us, but it doesn’t feel like it at the same time. Shattered glass lies everywhere. The clean and pure streets of the Capitol are smeared with filth and ashes, created by detonated pods. On our way here, some of the other soldiers explained to me what pods are. I don’t really understand. Something with built-in triggers. And they need to be taken down. Apparently it creates a lot of mess. They’re a little like me, I have a built-in trigger as well. I wonder when that one will be detonated.  
My mind has become foggy. It’s as if my arrival here has clouded my brain. Waves of confusion wash over me. What am I doing here? And who am I supposed to be? A soldier, a patient, a prisoner?

Boggs comes back from his phone call with the President and tells Jackson, his second in command, to set up a two-person, round-the-clock guard on me. The feelings of uncertainty multiply because of this. Am I a threat again? A pod waiting to be triggered?  
I try pitching the tent but it’s not working. There must be something I’m doing wrong. I look around me cautiously. Who can I turn to here for help? I told Marja there’d be plenty of people here to help me. But all of a sudden they’ve turned into my enemies. My guards. Watching me and willing to kill me as soon as I step out of line.  
Gale is standing a couple of yards away from me. He looks furious. Not an option, I can’t trust him. Finnick appears next to him. Maybe Finnick? He did show me a place to put my tent. I cast him a look and he comes towards me.  
“Are you okay?” he asks.  
I shake my head, barely noticeable. Finnick looks at me and then his eyes dart to the tent.  
“You’re missing some pegs,” he says, “I’ll get them.” He goes off and comes back a little while later and hands them to me. I feel a little calmer and finish pitching the tent. I’m glad Finnick came to help me and must admit that I was a little too harsh on him during dinner back in District Thirteen. He did save my life back in the Quell and he’s not hostile towards me like Katniss is.

From the corner of my eye I see Katniss approaching Jackson, who has finished the schedule for my watch.  
“What time is my watch?” I hear her ask Jackson.  
“I didn't put you in the rotation.” Jackson answers.  
"Why not?" Katniss asks her. I get up slowly and stare in their direction. Curious to hear the answer too.  
“I'm not sure you could really shoot Peeta, if it came to it,” Jackson says.  
Katniss answers her in a loud voice, “I wouldn't be shooting Peeta. He's gone. Johanna's right. It'd be just like shooting another of the Capitol's mutts.” 

Where is the girl I once loved? Prim told me that once she loves someone she doesn’t stop. Jackson doesn’t believe she can shoot me. But I don’t see that girl. She must be dead, she must be gone forever. And yet here she is, standing in front of me. Telling me she hates me. Where is the love we once shared? Where is the life we once had. Everything is fading away and so is she. I want to scream at her. Accuse her of burying me alive. That is how it feels. Memories buried, covered in dirt. And I am still standing here, contrary to what she just said. I am here but she’s the one who’s gone.  
No one reacts to Katniss’s outburst. No one sticks up for me. I’m getting closer to insanity every second.

“Well, that sort of comment isn't recommending you either,” Jackson just says.  
“Put her in the rotation,” Boggs tells her.  
Jackson shakes her head, clearly not too fond of Boggs’s idea and scrabbles something on her pad. “Midnight to four. You're on with me,” she says to Katniss.

At midnight Katniss will be the one guarding me. Killing me if she has to. All the weeks that have passed in which people tried to convince me she doesn’t want to kill me fade away. There are voices in my head again. Katniss. Katniss. Katniss. They whisper her name. Driving me crazy. I place both my hands on the sides of my head, trying to silence them.

A gong sounds and my squad walks away. I’m not sure what to do now. Finnick and a guy named Homes are my guards at the moment and I stare at them questioningly. “Time for dinner,” Finnick says, “We have to go there.”  
He points to the big area in the middle of the army base.  
When everybody has their food we gather around in a circle, to eat. Finnick, next to me, nods to me reassuringly. But the tension in the group is palpable, which makes me even more anxious. At one point I notice I start to tremble. 

Finnick takes me to his tent after dinner and gives me a small line of a green coloured rope. “I don’t understand why you’re here but I notice you’re having trouble dealing with it. The Capitol, the tension, Katniss. So here you go, to distract you,” he says. He shows me how to make knots in the rope. “It used to help me, when Annie was held captive.”  
I take the rope and look at it suspiciously. Finnick puts a hand on my arm and I flinch away. “Nothing is going to happen to you,” he says, “No one’s going to kill you.”  
“How do you know that?” I ask, “It’s obvious she wouldn’t have a problem with killing me.”  
“Of course she would,” Finnick says.  
“No she wouldn’t, you heard what she said!” I spit out.  
“I know,” Finnick says, “I’m going to call Haymitch. You start making these knots, okay?”

I crawl out of Finnick’s tent and walk to my own with the rope in my hand. Boggs comes to tell me I should sleep outside. “We need to keep an eye on you,” he explains. His expression is hard and unyielding. He makes me scared and unsure of what to do, or how to act. Everything about this man tells me he dislikes me, sees me as a threat. As if I’ve done something wrong, although I don’t know what.

Now that I’m not allowed to hide in my tent I take my sleeping bag and place it near the heater. It’s November and the nights are getting colder. At first I try sleeping, but it’s no use. The constant feeling of confusion will not let up. Combined with my fear, it makes my body taut from the tension. So after an hour or two I give up. I sit up, pulling the sleeping bag up to my chest, leaving only my shoulders and arms out of it. I get the rope Finnick gave me out of my pants pocket and start making the knots he showed me to make. I’m not really good at it, but Finnick is right, it distracts me. Even if it’s just a little, it’s enough to release me from some of the pressure I felt before.

At midnight, Katniss appears and goes to sit across the heater. As soon as she arrives I feel my nerves tense. I’m so on edge whenever I’m around her. I try to remember if there’s something Dr. Marja said I should do to relax a little, but all I can think of is a shot of morphling and I don’t have that here. Instead I make knots with Finnick’s rope. My hands trembling slightly. But I don’t want to be afraid of her anymore, I just want answers. If she is who everyone says she is, can she lift my confusion? Can she tell me what this poisonous thing is that used to be our relationship? What is she? Who is she? Is there anything between us that’s worth fighting for?

Finally I decide to voice my questions, although I don’t know how. Katniss is so provocative and it’s hard to find the right way to approach her. I don’t trust her right now, I don’t like her. In fact, I still hate her, although the hard edges have worn off a bit. But how does she perceive me? Not just now, but in the year that lies behind us. Being my fellow tribute made her my enemy and by telling the world I loved her, she became my lover instead. But she didn’t want that. So what am I for her?  
"These last couple of years must have been exhausting for you.” I get out. “Trying to decide whether to kill me or not. Back and forth. Back and forth."  
A flash of anger crosses over her face but she stays quiet for a while. Then, haltingly, she says, "I never wanted to kill you. Except when I thought you were helping the Careers kill me. After that, I always thought of you as...an ally." 

"Ally." I repeat the word slowly. It’s a safe word. It doesn’t mean she likes me, it doesn’t mean she hates me either.  
"Friend. Lover. Victor. Enemy. Fiancée. Target. Mutt. Neighbour. Hunter. Tribute. Ally. I'll add it to the list of words I use to try to figure you out." I weave the rope in and out of my fingers, trying to find out which of these words apply to her best. But because I don’t know this and I have the feeling that the person sitting across from me knows more about me than anyone else, I decide to open up to her and tell her what really bothers me so much. "The problem is, I can't tell what's real anymore, and what's made up."  
There’s some noise coming from behind me and then I hear Finnick saying, "Then you should ask, Peeta. That's what Annie does."  
"Ask who?" I say. "Who can I trust?"  
"Well, us for starters. We're your squad," says Jackson.  
"You're my guards," I tell her.  
"That, too," she says. "But you saved a lot of lives in Thirteen. It's not the kind of thing we forget."  
It is silent after that as I process what she said. I saved a lot of lives. By warning them for the bombs. So they’re grateful to me for that, which is good, I guess. Does that mean I can trust them though? What choice do I have really? Asking people questions sounds like as good an idea as any. I can at least try it, and see where it gets me.

I stare at Katniss across the heater, who seems to be struggling with something of her own. Turning back to my rope I try to find something to ask her. Something about all that we’ve been through together. Something about what she feels for me or what I mean to her. When I think back to our conversation in the hospital, I hesitate. She didn’t want to answer then, afraid of all the people who were listening in on us. And here, surrounded by our squad, it would be no different. If I ask her what I mean to her, she would probably come with a useless word like ally again. And that would only give me more doubt. Perhaps I should start with asking her something easy. Something that she won’t mind to share with the others as well. A trivial thing, a useless fact. I stare at the green rope in my hand, trying to find something to ask, when it surfaces, the memory. Did we have a conversation about this green colour once?  
I look up to Katniss again and ask her, "Your favourite colour...it's green?"  
"That's right,” she answers, and then she adds. "And yours is orange."  
"Orange?" I ask. Is that true? Did I tell her that in that same conversation?  
"Not bright orange. But soft. Like the sunset," Katniss explains. "At least, that's what you told me once."  
"Oh." I close my eyes and think about the sunset. Back in District Twelve, it would set behind the apple tree in the garden of the bakery. I also liked to go to the meadow to watch it set. On bright days it would turn the entire sky orange. Beautiful. My favourite colour. Katniss is telling me the truth. I slowly nod my head and open my eyes again. "Thank you."

I see something shining in her eyes, something I can’t place. Then suddenly, she says, "You're a painter. You're a baker. You like to sleep with the windows open. You never take sugar in your tea. And you always double-knot your shoelaces."  
At the last word her voice breaks, and abruptly she gets up and disappears in her own tent. I’m stunned by her sudden outburst. There’s so much emotion in her words and then rushing away like that. I know why she does that, it’s what she does when she gets upset. But why would she get so upset? Is there more then, more to us than just allies? The term she used for our relationship. She knows all these little details about my life, and they seem to mean something to her as well. This is all very complicated and mysterious too, but somewhere inside my heart leaps up. Because I felt a connection to her, however briefly. I saw her eyes shining and felt it in my heart. And I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe we had more than just a friendship, and it wasn’t as one-sided as I thought it was. 

I look at Jackson, who seems to be surprised by Katniss’s sudden action. But she doesn’t comment on it, instead she says, “Let’s try to get some sleep, okay?”  
“Okay,” I say and I wriggle myself down into my sleeping bag again. Talking to Katniss gave me a little peace. She told me something that’s true and this gives me hope. Hope for better days to come. Something I haven’t felt in a long time.

In the morning Jackson wakes me and hands me breakfast. “I have an idea,” she tells me while I eat the porridge, “It’s like a game, called Real or Not Real. I used to play it with my daughter for fun. But I think it’s very useful for you.”  
“How does it work?” Another soldier from Thirteen, called Mitchell, asks.  
“Peeta, when you think of something that you’re unsure about, but think is real, you can ask us for  
confirmation. For example, you could ask, ‘We’re in District Thirteen now. Real or not real?’ And then I’ll answer, ‘Not real, we’re in the Capitol.’”  
It seems like a good idea to clear the fog in my mind, so I agree. The rest of our squad, except for Katniss, Gale and Finnick, who aren’t here, gather around me in a circle and I start asking questions. Tentative at first, but more open as I really start to believe their answers. I sense that they’re truly trying to help me and this only adds more fuel to the hope that was kindled in me last night.

“This war, it was caused by the Quarter Quell. Real or not real?” I ask.  
“Not real. It was already going on before that.” Homes replies. The others nod.  
I think a while, wondering what to ask next. Everything seems to hide a potential threat, challenging my sanity, especially here in the Capitol. In Thirteen at least, I had some sense of safety and trust, which I can’t seem to find here. Most of all I want to go home. To my own District. Every time I think of that I have to remind myself it doesn’t exist anymore. It seems so unreal. So I decide to ask about that next.  
“District Twelve doesn’t exist anymore. Real or not real?” I ask.  
“Real.” This time it’s Nathalie Leeg who answers the question. “They were bombed with firebombs.”  
"Most of the people from Twelve were killed in the fire." I say.  
"Real,” says Nathalie again, “Less than nine hundred of you made it to Thirteen alive."  
Less than nine hundred. The overwhelming numbers of people who died makes me shudder.  
"The fire was my fault." I state.  
"Not real. President Snow destroyed Twelve the way he did Thirteen, to send a message to the rebels,” says Mitchell.  
I look around at the others, a bit uncertain. At this moment I see Katniss has returned and she’s looking at me. I look back at her for a second but then quickly turn my head away. I’m not sure if I’m ready to deal with her yet.

Jackson sees my movement and turns to look at Katniss. “Oh good, you guys are back,” she says. Then she goes on to explain to Katniss, Gale and Finnick what we’re doing. “The problem is, we don’t know him as well as you do. You could help him with the bigger issues we’re dealing with here.”  
I know Jackson is right and it makes sense what she’s suggesting, but it makes me nervous too, especially when it comes to talking to Katniss and Gale.  
She divides the squad in three groups. Their task is to watch me but answer my questions at the same time. The first group is made out of Nathalie Leeg and Gale. I ask them questions about our district. Most of the answers come from Gale, of course. I ask him about the Hob, about the shops in the square. The name of our mayor. During the exchange I remember another conversation with Gale, a long time ago in the Victor’s Village. It was after the announcement of the Quarter Quell and he helped us train. Up to now his answers has been truthful, as far as I can tell. So maybe now it’s time to be a little bolder and ask him about that.  
“You came to help us making snares for the Quell. Real or not real?”  
“Real,” Gale replies, “I was helping you all to prepare for it.”  
“We talked about Katniss.”  
“Real. You told me you were going to do whatever it takes to keep her alive.” Gale says and he looks at me with those grey Seam eyes.  
“But I failed. Real or not real?” I say, thinking how Katniss was changed into a mutt.  
“Not real,” Gale says, “You succeeded. She is still alive, thanks to you.”  
This puzzles me. Because I thought she changed into a mutt, which means that I failed. Or not? Is that not true? No, she didn’t change into mutt. Did she? I stare down at my hands, trying to find the answer in them.  
“I don’t know,” I whisper.  
Gale looks a bit concerned, but Nathalie says, “I do know. You protected her in that arena. You both protected each other.” 

Katniss is on the next watch, together with Homes. Talking to her is more difficult, because I have a harder time believing her. But she did tell me about my favourite colour yesterday, and my shoelaces. And I really don’t like sugar in my tea. It does feels good that she’s really trying. Still, I only ask her about superficial things, too afraid to touch on the deep stuff.  
“You prefer cheese buns over cinnamon rolls. Real or not real?”  
“Real,” she says and she gives me one of her rare smiles. “Prim is the one who prefers cinnamon rolls.”  
“And I baked them for you. Those cheese buns.” I say.  
“Real. You always made sure we had plenty,” she answers.  
“I made them with my father at the bakery.”  
“Not real.” Katniss says, “You made them in your house in the Victor’s Village.”  
I nod and rub a spot between my eyes. I’m getting exhausted. All these questions and all the answers tumble in my head.  
“We can take a break,” Homes suggests, “Let’s take a walk instead.”  
We get up and with the three of us we take a stroll through the camp. It feels weird to walk next to Katniss like this. But a little familiar at the same time. We walked many walks together.

The next afternoon, the director, a woman called Cressida, tells us to get ready for a propo.  
“We have to get some quality shots out of you.” She says. “Plutarch isn’t happy with what we’ve been producing so far.”  
She takes a note out of her pocket and reads, “Very dull. Very uninspiring. This was his comment on the material we sent him.”  
“Of course it’s dull and uninspiring,” says Gale, “That’s because they never let us do anything. At least nothing that’s real.”  
“It’s just pretend.” Finnick agrees, “All we do is shoot glass out of the windows of empty houses.”  
Cressida shakes her shaved head, which is tattooed with green vines, “It’s not about the fighting,” she says, “You know that. We have to deliver a usable product.”  
“But you guys are right,” says Boggs, “That’s why we decided to go to a block with active pods in it.”  
He goes on to explain about the pods. I’m having difficulty following what he’s saying. My mind is still foggy. Even though I’ve been asking questions and getting answers for one and a half days now, I’m still not totally at ease with my surroundings. Now we have to suit up and have our weapons ready, but not for something real and that just adds to my uncertainty. I want to know what’s real and therefore I don’t understand what’s happening now. When I’m dressed Boggs gives me back my gun.  
“I’ve loaded it with blanks,” he says in a loud voice, as if I’m deaf or too stupid to understand. “So there are no real bullets in there.”  
“I get that,” I reply curtly, “That’s why they’re called blanks.”  
He nods tersely and walks away. I turn to Homes, standing next to me and shrug. “I'm not much of a shot anyway.”

The cameramen appear, both of them in heavy gear, just as the rest of us. They look alike, sturdy men with sandy hair. They’re brothers, called Pollux and Castor, Homes tells me. I watch them and notice Pollux is having difficulty swallowing. There was a man with red hair in my cell with me who had difficulty swallowing too. He was an Avox. I stare at Pollux and my jumbled thoughts start to coalesce as I remember Darius and his gruesome end.  
"You're an Avox, aren't you?” I ask Pollux, agitated. “I can tell by the way you swallow. There were two Avoxes with me in prison. Darius and Lavinia, but the guards mostly called them the redheads. They'd been our servants in the Training Center, so they arrested them, too. I watched them being tortured to death. She was lucky. They used too much voltage and her heart stopped right off. It took days to finish him off. Beating, cutting off parts. They kept asking him questions, but he couldn't speak, he just made these horrible animal sounds. They didn't want information, you know? They wanted me to see it."  
I look around at the squad and the crew. Shock and disbelief written over their faces. Pollux shakes his head. But there is nothing but silence coming from the rest of them. “Real or not real?" I ask, as I feel a terror rise up in me.  
They still don’t answer. But now I want to know, because I just remembered something and I need to verify it. "Real or not real?!" I ask again, more demanding.  
"Real," says Boggs. "At least, to the best of my knowledge...real."  
At this I give a deep sigh and let my shoulders slump down. "I thought so.” I say slowly. “There was nothing...shiny about it."  
I turn around and walk away from them, occupied with the horrifying memory. “The fingers,” I mumble, “And the toes. All cut off. And nothing shiny. Darius. I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.”

Homes calls me back to the group and together we walk through the streets to the area where the propo needs to be taped. Boggs has a Holo, which is some device that shows a projection of the street and pods situated there. I’m still occupied with Darius and my memories of him. Too upset to register what’s really going on. What I know is that we have to crouch down in a street while the cameramen tape us. I decide to just follow Mitchell, who’s standing in front of me.  
Messalla, Cressida’s assistant, comes by and dabs some makeup on us. Then Cressida calls, “Action!” and we start to advance down the street. The air is foggy, it’s as if bombs went off to fill the atmosphere with smoke. The smokiness reminds me of shadows and nightmares and only increases the feeling of unease. Mitchell shoots at the glass windows in the houses and I follow his example. We have to duck when Gale sets off the pod with gunfire. The bullets fly over my head and anxiety is building up in me. It’s fake, I tell myself, it’s not real. But it feels real and I’m afraid.  
Boggs calls that the coast is clear and we can proceed, but Cressida tells us to stop so she can make close-up shots.  
We have to re-enact our actions, which is rather funny. Because those District Thirteen soldiers don’t know how to act. Especially Mitchell is clearly exaggerating. Everybody’s laughing at his attempts and even though I’m still frightened I can’t suppress a smile.

Finally, Boggs puts an end to the laughter, looking at us sternly. "Pull it together, Four-Five-One," he says. He’s looking at the Holo, when he takes a step back onto the orange paving stone. Triggering the bomb that blows off his legs.


	13. What have I done now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta loses it after the bomb explodes. He tries to kill Katniss and kills Mitchell. When he comes to after that he realizes he's done something terrible. And he's become a great danger to the squad. His only solution to this is to end his life. But will the others agree to that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 20 from Mockingjay.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Mockingjay.

“What have you done”  
\- Within Temptation

'Would you mind if I hurt you?  
Understand that I need to  
Wish that I had other choices  
Than to harm the one I love  
What have you done now!

I know I’d better stop trying  
You know that there’s no denying  
I won’t show mercy on you now

I know, should stop believing  
I know, there's no retrieving  
It's over now, what have you done?  
What have you done now!

I, I’ve been waiting for someone like you  
But now you are slipping away  
Why, why does fate make us suffer  
There’s a curse between us, between me and you

Would you mind if I killed you?  
Would you mind if I tried to?  
Cause you have turned into my worst enemy  
You carry hate that I don't feel  
It's over now  
What have you done?

What have you done now!

I will not fall, won't let it go  
We will be free when it ends

I, I’ve been waiting for someone like you  
But now you are slipping away  
Why, why does fate make us suffer  
There’s a curse between us, between me and you  
What have you done now!'

 

It’s as if in an instant, the world turns into a horrendous place. People are screaming and blood is everywhere. The bomb caused a lot of smoke which makes it hard to see what’s going on. The soldiers are running around. It seems as if the camera crew doesn’t really know what to do. Everyone’s in a panic. This isn’t what was supposed to happen. It was supposed to be fake. This is real. There’s real blood and real pain.  
Another explosion follows from behind me. Someone must have triggered this one as well, although no one else gets their legs blown off. The sound of the explosion resonates in my ears. I have trouble catching my breath. It’s like I’ve been running for a long time. Red dots cloud my vision. I circle around, trying to get my bearings. 

A few yards away from me I see Messalla lying against a wall. He must have been launched by the explosion. Finnick is sitting next to him, trying to revive him.  
Everything is still a blur when I hear Jackson shout, "Prepare to retreat!"  
Mitchell, who’s still in front of me, turns around and grabs my arm. “Let’s go,” he says.  
“We can’t!” Finnick yells and I see him waving his arm into the direction we came from. When I look around I see the darkness descend on us. It’s some sort of black matter, it looks a little like the thick oil paint I use for my paintings. “It’s impossible,” Finnick shouts, “We have to find another way.”

Gale and Nathalie, who are at the front of the squad, take out their guns and start shooting. The noise of the guns combined with the frightening blackness approaching us scare me out of my wits. They’re trying to massacre us. To fry us in that black oil. I’m frantically turning around. The edges of the buildings start to shine. Not real! This isn’t real!  
My eyes scan the area when they focus on Boggs, lying on the ground. A big pool of blood is forming under his body. His legs are gone. Blown off by the bomb. One above and the other below the knee. I see Katniss is kneeling down next to him and Homes is on his other side, working with soaked red bandages. How did any of this happen? Why is he bleeding, dying?  
Did she do that to him?  
She starts pulling at him, dragging him behind her and he cries out. She’s hurting him! She’s in on this. Helping them to assassinate all of us. And she’s shining. The voice in my head is ear-piercing. Howling at me.

SHE’S A MUTT! KILL HER! KILL HER NOW!

I see it again, what they’ve done to her. They did a perfect job really, no one can see that she’s really a mutt. No one else here sees what I see. Not even Mitchell, who’s standing in front of me, or Homes, who stands right next to her. They don’t do anything, don’t see anything wrong with her. They don’t try to stop her. Which means I have to do that, I have to terminate her before she kills anybody else. She’s turned into my worst enemy. I stumble forwards. Push Mitchell aside and yank her away from Boggs. I throw her on the ground and raise my gun, am about to crush her skull with it, but she rolls on her side and I hit the street instead. 

KILL HER! KILL HER!

Everything is screaming inside of me. All I know now is this one truth, this one order. The rest of the world ceases to exist. I haul my gun back up, ready to strike the mutt with it when someone attacks me from behind and tackles me. I’m on the ground, my enemy’s on top of me. Holding my arms and pinning me down. The terror is overwhelming. But I can’t let them get to me, I have to protect my squad and save them from her. I raise my feet and hit him full force in his abdomen. He’s flying through the air and I’m able to get up. Encouraged that I’m still capable of doing this, something I picked up during wrestling with my brothers. It gives me the confidence that I can take down that mutt too. I won’t let anything stop me. All I know is that I have to get back to the mutt! I have to kill her. I won’t show mercy on her now.  
But they’re not letting me. Two other monsters grab my arms. They’re mutts too, secretly invading the rebels, their disguise is so perfect that no one notices. I fight with all I have in me. But they’re strong and I can’t take them on. I’m struggling, growling and thrashing, but it’s no use. Their hold on me is too strong.

A loud click makes me lift my head and I see how four cables burst out of the stone wall in front of me. A net appears which traps a person inside of it. I can’t make out who it is but I do notice he’s bleeding all over. Someone is yelling at him not to move. I don’t understand how it’s possible that cables can appear from walls. What is this world I live in? Pain, threats and death appear from everywhere around me. Nothing is safe anymore.  
I take in a deep breath and start coughing. There’s something wrong with the air. Everything is distorted and shining. I’m still trying to break free from the mutts holding me, but they won’t budge.  
The sound of gunfire starts again. With this I start screaming.  
I’m lifted up and carried into a building. Where are they taking me? To another place of torture? I can’t. I can’t! I won’t! My thoughts aren’t coherent anymore. Too much has happened in such a short amount of time. Just a few minutes ago we were walking in a deserted city block, and now everything has morphed into a nightmare. I’m trying to kick my way free from my attackers, squirming with my body, flailing with my arms. The room they take me to has a white marble floor. The color reminds me of the Capitol. The torture. Blood on white tiles. A fear that is so great is taking a hold of me. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m quite certain I have because I don’t feel like me anymore. I don’t feel anything but fear.

I’m pushed inside a closet. The door closes behind me and clicks in its lock. Rage is like adrenaline, flowing through my body. With all my might I kick against the door. Slamming my feet into the wood over and over again. It has to break sometime. It has to. I have to break free from these chains and all the terror surrounding me. If I can just get out of this closet to finish my job, to kill the mutt and finally set myself free. It’ll bring me the peace I’m so desperately yearning for.  
There are noises outside. People shouting at each other. A girl shrieking a name.  
"Gale!"  
There’s a choking sound. A door is slammed shut.  
The darkness doesn’t recede and only adds to my insanity. This small closet gives me a sensation of suffocation. The world recedes until there’s only one truth left. It’s madness.  
The adrenaline is leaving me slowly and even though I keep on trying to break the door down, I start to feel exhaustion taking over. Shadows are swirling in front of my eyes. The voices in my mind are telling me to breathe my last breath. I’m losing this fight. I have to accept my defeat, my failure of defending the others against that murdering mutt. It ends here.

How many times have I died? How is it possible for a man to still be alive against all the odds? It’s like there’s something inside of me that’s refusing to die. And this something is incredibly strong. Because I am alive. I sense this as the darkness of what I thought was death gradually recedes and I slowly regain consciousness. I become aware of my breathing. I feel the soft fur beneath me. I hear an explosion in the distance and then a voice from close by.  
"It wasn't close," The voice comes from a woman. "A good four or five blocks away."  
"Where we left Boggs," says another woman. Her voice is light and vaguely familiar. A name comes to mind. Nathalie.  
The next thing I hear is an ear-piercing beeping sound followed by some stumbling. Where am I? My eyes feel heavy but I try to open them anyway. With my left eye I only see a deep-blue color. When I open my other eye I see I’m lying on a couch. It’s cover is a deep-blue fur, feeling soft against my cheek.

"It's all right!" calls a voice. "It's just an emergency broadcast. Every Capitol television is automatically activated for it."  
My eyes scan the room slowly. It is filled with about ten people, some of them are dressed in military outfit, others look like they’re a camera crew. Two of them hold large camera’s. The woman who said there was an emergency broadcast is from the Capitol. I know that because she has a shaved head with tattooed vines. I recognize those tattoos. I know this woman. Come to think of it, I know all these people. They’re my guards, my squad. But how did we end up in a deserted house in the Capitol? I struggle to make sense of what is happening, to remember how I got here. How we all got here. Are we on some sort of mission I forgot about? 

I notice everyone is crouched before a large television screen. It shows the streets of the Capitol and a group of people running around frantically. This is us. There’s Boggs, lying on the ground, bleeding. Katniss and Homes sit next to him. A black wave comes from around the corner and Gale and Nathalie start shooting randomly in the air. What are they doing? I don’t remember this part happening. I’m trying to make sense of it all, when I see Katniss and Homes start dragging Boggs behind them. He’s making excruciating noises as the pain overwhelms him. He’s going to die, that much is clear. The blood loss is too severe.  
But what happens next is totally unexpected. There I am, yanking Katniss away from Boggs, throwing her on the ground, trying to kill her with my gun. It’s not so much my actions as the look in my eyes that horrifies me. That’s not me! There is a crazy person standing there, trying to kill someone who’s not a mutt but an innocent girl. Why am I doing this? What has come over me?  
And it gets worse. Because Mitchell comes to Katniss’s aid and pushes me on the ground. But I’m too strong. I lift my feet under his belly and he goes flying through the air and falls back against a wall. Cables appear, a net encases him. He is bloody all over because barbed wires stick out from the net.  
In the meantime the black matter is approaching. Castor and Pollux take a hold on me. I’m fighting them but they have the upper hand. Someone shoots at a lock and we disappear inside the house. Mitchell stays trapped behind the net. The wave approaches. There’s Gale, his gun raised, firing at the cables. Trying to save the man I’ve just thrown into a net. But the cables won’t budge and the black tide continues to move forward. Then the screen grows black.

What have I done?

I am completely horrified by what I just saw. I killed a man, an innocent man. Someone who was at my side. There was insanity in my eyes. The horror overwhelms me when I realize that there’s no retrieving. No way to go back and reverse my actions. I killed a man. He is dead because of me.  
It’s as if the scales fall from my eyes. I was wrong all along. It’s not Katniss who is a mutt, a weapon from the enemy. It’s me. They changed me, altered my memories. Convinced me she was a danger. They finally managed to do to me the one thing I feared the most. I’m thinking back at that night before our first games. On the roof with Katniss.

"I don't want them to change me in there. Turn me into some kind of monster that I'm not."

Well, they’ve succeeded in doing just that. I’m a monster. They’ve turned me into a monster. I still have trouble believing that this actually happened, but the footage was clear. That was me, murdering Mitchell. The third person in my life who I’ve actively killed.  
There was the girl from District Eight in our first Games. I slit her throat.  
Then there was Brutus in the Quarter Quell. I threw a spear in his eye.  
And now Mitchell. I threw him into an active pod and the black storm came to finish the job for me. A fresh wave of enormous guilt washes over me. This is what they made me do. Kill innocent people. I once said to Caesar that killing innocent people costs everything you are. I was right. It costs me just that. I’ve lost everything I am. My love for Katniss. My strength in kindness. How I always valued the other person above myself. I’ve lost it by killing these people.  
Out of nowhere the song enters my mind.

"Are you, are you  
Coming to the tree  
Where they strung up a man they say murdered three.”

It seems fitting, to hang me. It’s no less than I deserve. The circumstances of my first two murders are different, I was in the Games. I killed the girl to end her suffering. I killed Brutus to save Katniss. But this third murder, this one was a crime. And I need to be punished for it.  
I feel like I’m slipping away while I look at Katniss, sitting in front of the television. This is the girl I used to love. I killed Brutus to save her. That is how far I’ve gone for her. But now, the reverse is happening. I tried to hurt her, kill her. Why does fate make us suffer so much. It’s like there’s a curse between us. As if I don’t have other choices than to hurt the one I love. The one I used to love. 

These thoughts of love confuse me more than I can handle, so I try to shake myself free from it and focus on what happens on the screen. Names are called and people are identified. We see a courtyard and on top of the houses across from it there are Peacekeepers with their guns trained on the apartments on the other side.  
“There's no aerial footage. Boggs must have been right about their hovercraft capacity,” says Castor.  
The peacekeepers launch grenades into the apartments and a chain of explosions follows. The building crumples under the assault of the bombs. Everything turns to ashes.

A live reporter explains what we just saw. “Our Peacekeepers have bombed the apartment in which the rebels were hiding,” she says, “Here you see the remains of the building where our heroes, the firefighters try to control the flames. As you can see it’s not possible that anyone could come out of there alive. Intelligence indicates that this rebel squad that has been killed by our brave troops, includes the following: Katniss Everdeen, Peeta Mellark, Finnick Odair, Gale Hawthorne. Cressida Tenesy, who is a Capitol citizen and known traitor. And finally their commander, Boggs. There were some unidentified soldiers and cameramen as well. We believe the entire squad ended their lives here. A total of thirteen people who no longer form a threat to our beloved country.”  
“Finally, a bit of luck,” says Homes.  
The reporter sounds genuinely moved when she continues, “We are very happy to finally know that the Mockingjay, Katniss Everdeen, has found the gruesome end she deserves and we hope this will turn the tide for us.”  
“My father. He just lost my sister and now...” says Nathalie. I can hear the pain in her voice as she trails off.

The Capitol keeps showing the bombing and the collapse of the building over and over again. It’s clear that they revel in their victory. Sure of our deaths and the impact this will make. Personally I don’t know if it will affect the outcome of this war. These people, both in Thirteen and in the Capitol will continue killing and murdering until there’s no one left.  
It needs to end. That much is clear to me. And for it to end, I have to get away from the people I’m with now. I’m a threat to them. I’m not sure what their plan is now. Certainly not going back to the army base now that they’re pronounced dead. They’d probably want to try to invade the city. After weeks of fake shootings for the camera, these people want action. And as for Katniss, what would she want? Do something amazing? Trying to find a way to kill Snow, maybe. That’s what I would do if I could. Kill Snow and die.  
But this is not about me. This is about my squad and how I can guarantee them some safety in these hazardous circumstances. No matter what they’ll do, they can’t take me with them. This much has become obvious to me. I’m a threat. I’m a murderer. I became the very opposite of what I want to be. I don’t believe there is anything left that this world has to offer me and there’s certainly nothing that I can offer the world. So I know what I have to do.

There’s a short silence in the room when the television broadcast comes to an end.  
"So, now that we're dead, what's our next move?" asks Gale.  
"Isn't it obvious?" My voice sounds strangled. I push myself up with my cuffed hands and sit upright. Everyone turns to me now that they become aware of the fact that I woke up. I scan the room, thinking who would be the best one of these people to address. My eyes rest on Gale. Gale. He has the strongest motivation to protect Katniss, because he loves her so much. He’d be the most willing to kill me and the look in his eyes tells me he’s determined and outraged. So I look him straight in the eyes when I say, "Our next move...is to kill me."


	14. Trying to protect you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta wants the squad to kill him, but they refuse and finally the whole group descends into the tunnels of the Capitol. Peeta's mind begins to clear more and more when it comes to Katniss and who she is for him. She's still trying to protect him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 21 from Mockingjay.  
> Disclaimer: No, I don't own it, SC does.

"Final Destination"  
\- Within Temptation

'I escaped my final moment  
But it's turning back at me  
On every corner I can feel it waiting  
Just a moment, no awareness  
I could easily slip away  
And then I'll be gone forever

I'm searching,  
I'm fighting for a way to get through  
To turn it away

It's waiting, always trying  
I feel the hands of fate, they're suffocating  
Tell me what's the reason  
Is it all inside my head  
Can't take it no more!

All around me I see danger  
And it's closing in on me  
Every second I can hear it breathing  
I can't stand the fear inside me  
Cause it's leading me astray  
And it will be my ending

But no one faced what's coming my way  
And I will let my fear fade away  
Whatever may be, I'll have to find out

It's waiting, always trying  
Feel the hands of fate, they're suffocating  
Tell me what's the reason  
Is it all inside my head  
Can't take it no more!' 

That makes every person in the room astonished. Obviously they didn’t expect me to say this, but it’s only logical and the safest way out for them.  
"Don't be ridiculous," says Jackson.  
"I just murdered a member of our squad!" I shout, still so overwhelmed by the horror of what I’ve done.  
"You pushed him off you. You couldn't have known he would trigger the net at that exact spot," says Finnick in a calming voice, but it doesn’t help me.  
"Who cares? He's dead, isn't he?" I choke out while tears start falling from my eyes.  
"I didn't know.” I confess to my squad, “I've never seen myself like that before. Katniss is right. I'm the monster. I'm the mutt. I'm the one Snow has turned into a weapon!"  
"It's not your fault, Peeta," says Finnick.  
I shake my head and look around to scan the faces of the people in front of me. They’re not convinced at all. They won’t follow my request.  
"You can't take me with you. It's only a matter of time before I kill someone else." I plead. "Maybe you think it's kinder to just dump me somewhere. Let me take my chances. But that's the same thing as handing me over to the Capitol. Do you think you'd be doing me a favour by sending me back to Snow?"  
"I'll kill you before that happens," says Gale. "I promise."

This suggestion makes me hesitate. Of course these people are reluctant to kill me when there’s no direct need. I absolutely believe Gale. He would kill me if it were necessary. But there are too many flaws in his offer.  
"It's no good.” I tell him and I shake my head. “What if you're not there to do it? I want one of those poison pills like the rest of you have."  
One of the soldiers in the train told me about the pills. They’re called nightlock and they’re deadly. Everyone has been given a pill, just in case they get captured. They didn’t give me one though. Probably because I’d use it immediately. If I could just take one of those now, no one will have my blood on their hands. It will be my call, finally something I’ll have a say in. I stretch out my hand to the people in front of me, hoping they’ll give me one so I can end this already.  
Instead Katniss speaks up, looking me straight in the eye with those silver grey eyes of hers. "It's not about you. We're on a mission. And you're necessary to it."  
I’m necessary? That’s news. And what kind of mission is she talking about? Before I can ask Katniss says to the group, "Think we might find some food here?"  
Messalla says, “I think there will be food stashed in here somewhere. Come, I’ll show you. I lived in a similar apartment to this one.”  
Together with Katniss, Gale and Nathalie he goes downstairs in search of food.  
Now that Katniss is gone I turn to Finnick instead, “What mission is she talking about?”  
“Katniss is on a special mission from President Coin,” Finnick answers, “To assassinate President Snow.”  
“Oh,” I say, thinking this doesn’t sound logical to me, “But why am I necessary to that?”  
“You know the President’s Mansion, you’ve been there before. We need that information.” Finnick says.  
“Right,” I say but I don’t tell him that I absolutely know nothing about that mansion. It’s obvious to me that Katniss is not speaking the truth about that so called mission of hers. But it’s not surprising that these people chose to follow her anyway. They probably believe she could do it, assassinate him. And why not? She’s been able to do a lot of things people didn’t expect her to do. In any case, she doesn’t need me for this mission, even though she claims differently. I refuse to come, it will only endanger everyone.

The others come back from their search for food, carrying cans and boxes of cookies with them. Homes looks at the pile of food questioningly. “What’s this?” he asks.  
“Food,” Messalla answers, superfluous.  
“I get that, but so much?” He is honestly astounded.  
"Isn't this illegal?" asks Nathalie.  
"On the contrary, in the Capitol you'd be considered stupid not to do it," says Messalla. "Even before the Quarter Quell, people were starting to stock up on scarce supplies."  
"While others went without," Nathalie says.  
"Right," says Messalla. "That's how it works here."  
"Fortunately, or we wouldn't have dinner," says Gale. "Everybody grab a can."  
Homes shakes his head in disbelief and searches for a can reluctantly. Nathalie and Jackson too are a bit confused at these unconventional methods. At least, unconventional for them. I look at the pile of cans when my eye falls on a label. Lamb Stew.

It was raining. We were starving, because there was no way for Katniss to hunt. There was no food left at all. Then the parachute came and gave us not only what we needed, but what we liked the most. Lamb Stew. Katniss had told Caesar it was her favorite, and she was right. It was absolutely mouth-watering, that stew. With tender lamb and dried plums. Delicious.  
I remember it, that day in the cave in the arena. Our first Hunger Games. We ate. I licked my plate clean. Katniss laughed because of something I’d said regarding Effie. I remember it.  
Slowly I reach out for the can and take it while I look at her. She’s looking through the pile, searching for something she’d like. I hold out the can to her. “Here,” I say.  
She looks up, surprised, but she takes the can from me and reads the label. I notice how her lips press together and a crease forms in her forehead. She remembers it too.  
“Thanks,” she says and she opens the can. “It even has dried plums.” 

After everyone’s finished eating we have some cookies for dessert. The beeping that woke me up earlier starts again and the familiar tune of Panem’s anthem fills the room. Very similar to how it was when we were in the arena, they show us the pictures of those they think died. Headshots are shown from the entire TV-crew, followed by Boggs, then Gale, Finnick, me and finally Katniss. Then President Snow appears on screen. The sight of him nearly paralyzes me with fear.  
It’s almost as if I can feel his breath on me and the smell of roses fill the air. He tells us how Katniss’s death will put an end to the war, because she left the rebels leaderless.  
He’s cut off midsentence when the screen grows black for a second. The next thing we see is President Coin, for the first time on television. She gives a eulogy for Katniss and tells the rebels to keep on fighting, despite Katniss’s death.  
“Dead or alive, Katniss Everdeen will remain the face of this rebellion,” she says solemnly, “If ever you waver in your resolve, think of the Mockingjay, and in her you will find the strength you need to rid Panem of its oppressors.”  
“I had no idea how much I meant to her,” Katniss comments, at that Gale laughs a little. I can taste the irony, both in her comment and in his laughter. It makes me wonder. What does she mean to Coin? And behind that question lies one that’s connected to it. Why am I here? Because suddenly I see it doesn’t make sense that I’m here. Sure, these propos were uninspiring, but I am a big danger to these people and to Katniss in particular. It doesn’t make sense. What’s the reason? Or is this all inside my head?

Katniss’s face is flashing up on the screen. Flames surrounding her and it strikes me, how beautiful she looks. I can’t help myself staring from the real Katniss to the screen and back. How did I not see this before? Have I been blind? Because it’s so obvious to me now. She is beautiful. Grey eyes, a straight nose and soft full lips. Her skin has an olive tone, her hair is dark, thick and shining, braided in its usual braid. It begins at her right side all the way around her head and falls down her left shoulder. She’s small, but strong. I can actually see the muscles in her arms through the gear she’s wearing. Her frame is slight, she could use some extra weight, but she’s well proportioned. She looks good actually, like someone I could fall for. Someone I could fall in love with. It’s so weird to reach this conclusion.

In the meantime President Snow is back on television. “Tomorrow morning, when we pull Katniss Everdeen's body from the ashes, we will see exactly who the Mockingjay is. A dead girl who could save no one, not even herself.” The seal of Panem appears and the anthem sounds again, that’s it.  
“Except that you won't find her,” says Finnick slowly.  
The others nod at that. We all know what it means, we can’t stay here for long. Once they find out we’re not dead, they’ll come hunting us.  
“We can get a head start on them at least,” Katniss says and she gives a deep sigh. I notice how tired she looks. She takes the Holo and asks Jackson to help her with it. A few of the others bow over the map, looking at the options. Apparently, no one really knows what to do, especially Katniss. After a few moments, she asks, “Any ideas?”  
“Why don't we start by ruling out possibilities,” says Finnick. “The street is not a possibility.”  
“The rooftops are just as bad as the street,” says Nathalie.  
“We still might have a chance to withdraw, go back the way we came,” says Homes. “But that would mean a failed mission.”  
It appears that Homes actually believes in this mission Katniss made up. It surprises me a bit, I thought it was an obvious lie. Especially because I’m here. But then I remember what Finnick said, I know the President’s Mansion. That’s what everybody thinks at least.  
Katniss looks at Homes, “It was never intended for all of us to go forward. You just had the misfortune to be with me.”  
“Well, that's a moot point. We're with you now,” says Jackson. “So, we can't stay put. We can't move up. We can't move laterally. I think that just leaves one option.”  
“Underground,” says Gale.  
“Okay, then. Let's make it look like we've never been here,” Katniss says.

Everybody goes to work to erase the evidence of our stay here. People throw away the empty cans, others swipe the floor. I remain seated on the sofa. Let them go underground and make their way to the mansion. I’m not going. I’m staying here with one of those pills. As soon as they leave I’ll take it. I’m suffocating here. It would be so easy to slip away and be gone forever. I can’t take it anymore.  
When everyone’s done cleaning and ready to leave I stay on the sofa.  
“Come on,” Homes says, “We’re leaving.”  
“I'm not going.” I tell them. “I'll either disclose your position or hurt someone else.”  
“Snow's people will find you,” says Finnick.  
“Then leave me a pill. I'll only take it if I have to,” I say, hoping to convince them I’ll hold off taking the pill, while my true intention is to swallow it the moment they walk out of the door. Unfortunately they don’t fall for it.  
“That's not an option. Come along,” says Jackson.  
“Or you'll what? Shoot me?” I ask, pointing out there’s only so much threatening they can do that would work on me.  
“We'll knock you out and drag you with us,” says Homes. “Which will both slow us down and endanger us.”  
“Stop being noble! I don't care if I die!” I shout at them. Why won’t they leave me here? I’m guessing Katniss has something to do with this. But she must understand. So I turn to her and beg her, “Katniss, please. Don't you see, I want to be out of this?”  
But Katniss won’t budge, whatever it is that’s motivating her, she’s not willing to let me go. “We're wasting time. Are you coming voluntarily or do we knock you out?”  
I bury my face in my hands. Trying to calm down the voices in my head who are screaming because of the fear. Fear of the chance I might hurt someone else. Fear of what will come. All around me I see danger. And it’s closing in on me. Like the hands of fate, suffocating me. Why won’t she let me go? And while this amazes me, I could just scream at her in anger. Why won’t you just leave me alone?  
Screaming won’t help me though so I remove my hands from my face and get up from the couch. Accepting my fate.  
"Should we free his hands?" asks Nathalie.  
"No!" I’m practically growling. I need these cuffs, at least they’ll prevent me from choking others. If I need to come with them, I have to protect them from myself as much as I can. So I press my arms against my body, preventing them from taking the cuffs from me. I press so hard that it becomes slightly painful, but I notice at the same time the pain helps me clear my head.  
"No," Katniss agrees with me. "But I want the key." Jackson gives it to her and she stuffs it in her pocket. There’s a short flash of hurt crossing over her face. As if some painful memory surfaces. But it’s gone in a second, making me wonder if I’m starting to see things again that aren’t there. Katniss turns to go, and we’re on our way. 

We have to pass several apartments through a maintenance shaft, until we arrive at one that can lead us to the tunnels beneath. In the apartment with the entrance to the tube Messalla comments on how it wasn’t nice to live in the center unit. Something about not having a second bath. I can understand how terrible that must be for Capitol citizens. In Finnick’s eyes I see the same sarcastic amusement.  
"Never mind," mumbles Messalla, which makes Finnick grin.

We climb down the tube and end up in a dark and damp hallway that smells like waste and sewage.  
Pollux grabs Castor’s wrist and I see how his face is all pale and sweaty, all the color drained out of him.  
"My brother worked down here after he became an Avox," says Castor. "Took five years before we were able to buy his way up to ground level. Didn't see the sun once."  
Five years without seeing the sun. I can’t imagine how horrible that must be. The terror of Snow’s regime has no end, it seems. Everyone stays silence after Castor’s explanation, but something must be said to ease Pollux’s suffering. I’m thinking hard to find something to say, anything, to show him I care and I can relate to his anxiety. Finally I find something to say, so I turn to Pollux. "Well, then you just became our most valuable asset."  
At this Castor lets out a laugh and I see a smile creep on Pollux’s lips as well. Good.  
We continue our way underground. Pollux is leading because he really does know a lot. Seems I was right about that. We walk for hours and I feel the heaviness of depression weigh on me. I don’t mind the dark, the damp and the smell. I don’t mind being in danger, I’m ready to die. What I do mind is who I came to be. Back in Thirteen the doctors, and Prim and Delly had worked so hard to help me find myself. We never considered I wouldn’t appreciate what I’d find once I’d found it.  
I escaped my final moment, was rescued from the torture. But now it’s like it’s turning back at me and I could so easily slip away again. And then I’ll be gone forever. So I’m searching, fighting for a way to get through this. But I’ve lost hope. Who do I become when the venom takes over? And how can I fight that? I don’t know the answers to these questions and it feels like that venom is waiting, always trying to take over. Every second I can hear it breathing and I can’t stand the fear inside me. Because it's leading me astray and it will be my ending.

Katniss suggests to take a rest and Pollux leads us to a small room where we can stay for about four hours. Jackson sets up a guard but obviously I’m not scheduled. “You should just sleep,” Jackson tells me, “I think that would be best for you and therefore for all of us.”  
While she’s absolutely right, I can’t get much sleep. I’m too anxious. Once I drift off my dreams scare me more than waking does. So finally I give up on sleep and stare at the dials in front of me. There are plenty of them in various sizes. The needles on them switch around in different rhythms. Some faster, some slow. My mind wanders back to the events of yesterday afternoon. I feel so weighed down by my own actions. Killing Mitchell, attacking Katniss. And I don’t understand why she’s so reluctant to kill me. Maybe I should ask Gale to do it, I have a feeling he wouldn’t mind. He already offered to kill me before, to prevent me being recaptured by Snow. And I think he has more reasons for wanting to kill me than just sparing me more hurt. He knows as well as I do that I’m a danger to the mission and to Katniss in particular. He loves her. He would do whatever it takes to keep her safe. On the other hand, if she’s really so bent on keeping me alive, she’d never forgive him for killing me. No, Gale’s not an option.  
Then what about the soldiers of Thirteen? They wouldn’t care about Katniss hating them, if it’s in the best interest for the squad. But they also won’t go against her. However odd it may seem, this seventeen year old girl is the one who calls the shots here. There might be another reason they don’t want to kill me. Jackson said they won’t forget that I warned them. So perhaps that means that they actually care, that they want me to stay alive. It amazes me that anyone would want that after everything I’ve done.  
This hijacked version of me, this dark thing, it’s like a parasite that’s full of whispered, persistent lies. It’s twisting every truth. If I want the others to be safe, I need to keep it under control. But how can I? There are triggers everywhere. And the closer we come to the finale of this bitter war, the worse it gets. 

There’s some rummaging around when the watch changes. I hear Jackson whisper, “He can't sleep down here.”  
Then Katniss appears and sits in front of me. At her appearance I feel my muscles tense. It’s so frustrating that she still makes me so uneasy. I stare at the needles in the dials. Turning around in circles. It’s oddly soothing to watch them while time passes by. Only an hour and we’ll be on the run again. And Katniss will be leading us to the lion’s den.  
This girl, she’s being so reckless. It’s like we’re in the first arena all over again. When she went to the feast to find a cure for me. So dangerous. And now here we are. I’m lying at her feet, my life in her hands, and she does it again. Risking everything and everyone to protect me. And at what cost? We all might still die. I really don’t understand why she keeps putting her life on the line just to keep me alive. It confuses me. She’s holding the key to my life, just as she holds the keys of my manacles. How strange is the reality we live in.

I feel her eyes trained on me and then her voice reaches me. “Have you eaten?” I give my head a slight shake and Katniss hands me a can of soup. I sit up painfully and drink the soup without bothering to chew.  
“Peeta, when you asked about what happened to Darius and Lavinia, and Boggs told you it was real, you said you thought so. Because there was nothing shiny about it.” Katniss says, “What did you mean?”  
“Oh. I don't know exactly how to explain it,” I say to her. “In the beginning, everything was just complete confusion. Now I can sort certain things out. I think there's a pattern emerging. The memories they altered with the tracker jacker venom have this strange quality about them. Like they're too intense or the images aren't stable. You remember what it was like when we were stung?”  
"Trees shattered. There were giant colored butterflies. I fell in a pit of orange bubbles." Katniss tells me, then she adds. "Shiny orange bubbles."  
“Right. But nothing about Darius or Lavinia was like that. I don't think they'd given me any venom yet,” I explain.  
“Well, that's good, isn't it?” she asks. “If you can separate the two, then you can figure out what's true.”  
“Yes. And if I could grow wings, I could fly. Only people can't grow wings,” I say. “Real or not real?”  
“Real,” she says. “But people don't need wings to survive.”  
“Mockingjays do.” I simply state while I take the last mouthful of soup and I give her the can back. Mockingjays need wings to fly. And so does Katniss, but can she fly? Or are her wings clipped because other people made her a piece in their games. Preventing her to live and fly high. 

“There’s still time,” Katniss says softly, breaking me out of my reverie. “You should sleep.”  
At her request I lie down again and stare at the dials. One of the needles twitches from side to side, another one turns in circles. They captivate me and help me to stay awake because I don’t trust sleep and the nightmares it brings. There’s no telling how I’ll wake up from them. What if I’ll go mutt again?  
Suddenly but slowly, Katniss stretches out her hand and touches my forehead. She carefully brushes away my hair. At first I freeze at her touch. Something inside me screaming for me not to trust her. Not to trust myself either. But there’s another voice too, one that’s soothing and soft. 

“I know you feel like this, Peeta. And we’re here to help you.”  
A hand brushes away my hair from my forehead.

I told Dr. Marja how someone has done this to me before. How it was soothing and making me feel safe. Katniss. Her hand in my hair, brushing it away from my forehead. I remember it now. And how I always connected that feeling to safety. How it told me she’d do anything to protect me. I relax my muscles at the memory and Katniss continues to stroke my hair.  
“You're still trying to protect me. Real or not real,” I whisper.  
“Real,” she replies in a quiet voice. “Because that's what you and I do. Protect each other.”  
We do? I think for a moment about her answer and then recall what Nathalie said to me, just a couple of days ago. You both protected each other. It’s true, we do. And we’re still in the Games, it still counts. Suddenly I know this is what I have to do, I have to protect her. With this new realization I let my fear fade away and I fall asleep. 

There’s a hissing. A murmuring in the shadows of my dream. The maddening whisper penetrates my brain. Especially fabricated to drive me insane. I scream at the shadows to stop, but they don’t listen. They never listened before. They keep on whispering. One word. One dreadful horrifying name. Repeated over and over again.

“Katniss.”


	15. Here they come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mutts! They're coming and the squad is on the run. In this chaotic chapter a lot of people lose their lives. Everybody is in a state of panic but Peeta seems to be able to keep it all together. He needs to safe her from these mutts. Because here they come...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 22 from Mockingjay.  
> Disclaimer: Still not an owner

“Here comes the summer”  
\- Moke

'It's the sound in the night that awakes your fear  
They must be close I'm sure they're near  
On the warmth of the breeze you can smell their fire  
As they sing your death they watch the flames get higher

Down back streets you've never been  
People and places you've never seen  
Still they lie only yards away  
They're so close you can hear them say...

No surrender, we will not be moved  
We were born red, white and blue  
No pope here watch the Veniens run  
Down the barrel of a loaded gun...  
Feel the fear...well here they come  
Here comes the summer..

Shots ring out cross a twilight sky  
Before night falls, hear the mothers cry  
In their arms just flesh and blood  
We stood accused now we've been judged  
Of a crime, of a crime for which we must pay  
Every year, every single day.

Is it worth the hell, this lie you sell  
Handed down through each generation  
Don't think about the implications!

Animals...' 

“Shot”  
\- The Rasmus 

'enough of the hell  
enough of the pain  
I won't let him touch you  
I love you  
needless to say  
I'll stand in your way  
I will defend you

enough of the scars  
enough broken hearts  
I will protect you  
and I.. 

I'll take the shot for you  
I'll be the shield for you  
needless to say  
I'll stand in your way  
I'll take the shot for you  
I'll give my life for you  
I'll make it stop  
I'll take the shot for you  
for you' 

The grace period has ended. I thought I was liberated from that dreadful horror that the hijacking inflicted on me. But there it is again. That name in that vicious whisper.  
“Katniss.” I repeat it mindlessly, as if I’m programmed to do so. “Katniss.” 

But then I become aware of my surroundings. I’m not being hijacked now, I’m in the sewers of the Capitol. With Katniss, who I need to protect. She’s not a mutt! And these whispers are real. It’s this sound that awakens my fear. They must be close, singing her death. I open my eyes and sit up fast, catching my breath as I look around. “Katniss” I don’t see her and I’m panicking. I whip my head around and see she’s standing right in front of me. “Katniss! Get out of here!”  
“Why? What's making that sound?” she asks, looking shocked at my sudden outburst.  
“I don't know. Only that it has to kill you,” I’m practically yelling. “Run! Get out! Go!”

She still looks confused but then she nods slowly and takes down her bow. Only now I see it was pointed at me. Katniss takes in our faces and says. "Whatever it is, it's after me. It might be a good time to split up."  
“But we're your guard,” says Jackson.  
“And your crew,” adds Cressida. The rest of the squad nods in assent.  
“I'm not leaving you,” Gale says.  
Whatever, is all I can think, we just have to go. Because here they come. Animals, mutts, whatever they are. They are programmed to kill her. That’s one thing I know for sure. And I feel the fear for her safety, for her survival. This feeling is so familiar, so horribly familiar. All these things happening trigger so many memories. How I woke in the cave and found her lying unconscious next to me. How scared I was when she didn’t wake up. The fear of losing her has always been my biggest fear in life.  
I realize now how terrible and ironic my hijacking was, because it reversed my biggest fear. But not for long, it’s back now and full force. She needs to run! I need to protect her. Take the shot for her, be a shield for her. I’ll stand in her way. I won’t let him touch her. Won’t let him kill her. Whatever it takes, I refuse to let that happen.  
I don’t feel insanity anymore in this moment. Nothing has been clearer as my mind is right now. I’m in protection mode. Katniss just told me, this is what we do, protect each other. And I will do that until I die. 

While I reach this conclusion, Katniss is busy with arming the crew. She takes my gun, loads it with real bullets and hands it to Pollux. The others receive guns as well. In the end I’m the only one without a weapon. I don’t mind, I don’t need it. All I need is to make sure she’s safe. Finally, after the crew gets a short lesson in how to fire a gun, we’re on our way. Pollux leads us out of the room, into the tunnel. The hissing whispers of the mutts are louder out here. They’re still repeating Katniss’s name. The sound of it must awake my fear of her, but somehow it doesn’t work on me anymore. At least not right now. I’m pumped with adrenaline, ready to shove everyone forward. We’re on the run and there’s no surrender. These mutts won’t show mercy on us anyhow. They only have one goal. To kill Katniss. And they won’t rest until they succeed. They feed on madness, on a want for her blood. I know this because I felt like this before. How much I wanted her to die. It seems so weird now, now that I want the exact opposite.  
They will be gruesome, these mutts. There’s no question about it. Everything Snow produces is gruesome. I only have to think about the terrible wolf mutts in our first Games to remember Snow’s horrific ways of torment have no end and no limit. There’s no telling how these ones will look, but I’m sure they’re especially made to terrify Katniss. So much so it’ll paralyze her completely. How I know this, I’m not sure, but it makes me realize more and more that we need to make haste. They are coming. 

Thankfully I’m not the only one who thinks so, because we’re moving quickly through the tunnel. We have to crawl through a pipe and walk along a deserted train track. Going as fast as we can. There’s no sign of any living creature around us, except for the occasional rat. But the hisses are still there and they’re not receding. These mutts are faster than we are and it’s impossible to be soundless. It doesn’t matter though, because they can probably smell us as well as they can hear us. I think about the white monsters I’ve seen so often in my hijacked state. They had long noses and they were sniffing around with them all the time.  
We just passed an empty train and we’re hurrying alongside the track when the screaming begins. I recognize it immediately. The sound of it resonating in my ears and awakening memories of torture.  
“Avoxes,” I tell the others. “That's what Darius sounded like when they tortured him.”  
“The mutts must have found them,” says Cressida.  
“So they're not just after Katniss,” Nathalie states.  
“They'll probably kill anyone. It's just that they won't stop until they get to her,” Gale explains to us.  
I look at him, wondering where he got that knowledge, but I believe he’s right. Mutts don’t care, they just slaughter whatever they encounter until they’ve reached their goal. And then the voice of the Gamemaker will call them to him and they’ll return to their den. 

Everyone comes to a standstill because Katniss holds up a hand. She looks around, I see panic and guilt in her eyes. It’s almost as if I can feel what she’s thinking. There are people dying because of her. So her next suggestion doesn’t come as a surprise to me.  
“Let me go on alone. Lead them off. I'll transfer the Holo to Jackson. The rest of you can finish the mission.”  
“No one's going to agree to that!” says Jackson, which is absolutely true.  
“We're wasting time!” says Finnick.  
That’s when I hear it, more distinct and much closer now. More a shriek than a whisper.  
"Listen," I whisper and I raise my hand, indicating the others to hold still.  
There’s no more screaming. All the Avoxes who were probably working in these tunnels have met their deaths. But the mutts are louder and nearing us. They’re not just behind us but they’re below us as well.  
“Katniss.”

We break out in a run. Pollux leading us to the end of the train tracks where we come to a stop at a pair of stairs that will lead us deeper underground. But these stairs are no option anymore, as the mutts are down there. Pollux and Katniss address the Holo to look for an alternative when Katniss suddenly turns away and throws up her breakfast.  
“Masks on!” orders Jackson.  
It is this moment when I smell it too. The roses. The sweet, sickening smell of Snow’s roses. The odor creeping up my nostrils. It nauseates me, although not as much as it does Katniss. It’s not poisonous, so masks aren’t necessary. It just reminds us of Snow and his wickedness. Katniss is trembling while she wipes off her mouth and then turns away from the stairs to the other side of the train track. There’s a small hallway that reaches the Transfer and she stumbles on it. I follow her right away.  
The Transfer is an underground roadway, covering the entire Capitol. It’s used for delivery vehicles and trucks. Transporting food and other products from the districts to the stores in the Capitol that sell them to the citizens. The Transfer is a lot like the normal Capitol streets, tiled with pastel-colored tiles. The walls are made out of white bricks and so is the ceiling. There are lights build in it which makes it seem as bright as daylight out here. The entire road is deserted at this early hour. Which also means the pods here must be activated. Katniss takes an arrow from her quiver and shoots at one. It explodes and burns up. This is the first time I notice Katniss’s bow. There’s something special about it and with those arrows as well. Normal arrows won’t create an explosion like this. 

Katniss runs into the direction of a crossroad that is about half a mile to our right. We follow her and stay close to the wall. “Stay with me,” Katniss shouts to us, “There’s a pod here, and I have to take it out.”  
She almost reaches the corner to make a turn to the left when a blinding light at my right side catches my eye. I twist and see a light beam in the middle of the street. It goes from the ceiling into the ground and Messalla is trapped inside of it.  
“Katniss!” Finnick yells and Katniss turns around to see Messalla’s flesh melt away by the ray of light. Everyone stands frozen to the ground, watching Messalla die with wide eyes. This is no good, because the mutts are still approaching. We have to move and there’s nothing we can do for him anyways. He’s gone.  
"Can't help him!" I shout and push Gale, who’s standing in front of me, forcing him to move. "Can't!"  
I take Cressida by her arm, shove Nathalie forward and get them to move in the direction of the intersection. In a few steps I reach Katniss and put my hand on her shoulder. This is the first time I voluntarily touch her without the intention to kill her. It should register something in me, maybe, but right now I’m too wound up to really notice it. “Go!” I shout.  
Katniss turns away from Messalla and we run to the intersection where a rain of gunfire is waiting for us. The bullets hit the walls behind us and the white plaster comes falling down on us. We turn around and see an army of Peacekeepers is marching their way towards us. Shooting at us while they move.  
“We can’t go any further,” Katniss shouts, “There’s a meat grinder in the road. It’s blocking our way.”  
“Open fire!” Jackson shouts and everyone gets out their gun and starts shooting at the Peacekeepers. Even though they are with a far larger number than we are, they don’t stand a chance against the people in my squad.  
I am in total awe when I see Nathalie and Jackson take down Peacekeeper after Peacekeeper with their guns. Not wasting a second bullet on any of them. Homes and Finnick use their guns too. But most impressive are Katniss and Gale with their bows. They’re standing fierce and upright, shooting arrow after arrow into the squad of Peacekeepers. It doesn’t take long before almost three-quarters of them are dead. 

I don’t have a weapon so I can’t help them. Instead I take in my surroundings, trying to find a way out of here. The Peacekeepers prevent us from going back and the meat grinder pod is blocking the intersection, preventing us to turn right, where we need to go. Our only option is to detonate the pod as fast as possible and go right. From the tunnel where we came from and left Messalla I hear the shrieking whispers. I look in its direction and that’s when I see them appearing from the tunnel we came out just minutes ago.  
Feel the fear. Because here they come. Snow’s mutts. White as they were in my dreams, but more reptile like. They have four limbs and they slither on their bellies. Their tails are long and forked , and their heads are dreadful, eyes filled with madness, long sniffing noses and razor sharp teeth. They reach the Peacekeepers who are still alive so fast, it’s terrifying. It takes them a scaring little amount of time to kill all the Peacekeepers that were still alive and then they start sliding towards us. 

“This way!” Katniss shouts and she presses herself against the wall and turns to the right, around the corner. Everyone follows her and when we’re on the other side of the pod, Katniss shoots an explosive arrow into it to activate it. It does exactly what it promised to do, it grinds. Mechanical teeth hack away on the tiles and leave a giant gap in the road, making it difficult for the mutts to cross. Difficult, but not impossible. These mutts aren’t animals and there’s no knowing what they’re capable of. Who can say, maybe those mechanical teeth won’t make a dent in them, just as my knife couldn’t make a dent in the wall that trapped Katniss in the jabberjay section.  
I don’t understand why these memories would surface at this moment, it’s like everything here is triggering. Especially the noise of the hissing and shrieking of the mutts. “Katniss”  
Suddenly large black spots trouble my sight. A voice is screaming at me. 

She’s a mutt! 

I’m fighting it with all I have in me, pushing my wrists into the cuffs so hard that my skin scratches and I start to bleed. I need to focus. Need to protect her. Enough of this hell. I won’t go back there, in that shadowy world the hijacking brought me in. The pain in my wrists helps me focus and I shake my head to clear it. 

Katniss has a hold on Pollux’s arm. “Forget the mission. What's the quickest way aboveground?”  
Pollux runs down the Transfer and ducks into a doorway on our left. We follow him, except for Nathalie and Jackson.  
“We’ll hold them off!” Nathalie shouts when Gale gestures for them to come. He nods and turns to follow us. A grave expression on his face. We know what it means. They’re giving their lives to protect us.  
Behind the door there’s a small pipe we have to crawl through. It leads us to the main sewer, where we have to walk on a small ledge. The sewer smells of waste and garbage and chemical poison. Besides the ledge there's a stream filled with highly toxic fluid. There are small fires and foul smelling clouds. We need to be careful to stay on the ledge which leads us to a narrow bridge. On the other side of the bridge we move further to the right until we reach an alcove. There Pollux retrieves a ladder and points up the shaft.  
We’re about to start climbing it when Katniss double checks the group and notices our dwindling numbers. 

“Wait! Where are Jackson and Leeg One?” she says, panicked.  
“They stayed at the Grinder to hold the mutts back,” says Homes.  
“What?” One moment Katniss stares at him in horror but then she turns to break in a run towards the bridge, to see if they can still be saved.  
I’m about to lunge for her and work her to the ground, preventing her from going back, but Homes already grasps her by her collar and hauls her back.  
“Don't waste their lives, Katniss. It's too late for them. Look!” He gestures towards the pipe where we came through and there the first mutts already come crawling out onto the ledge.  
“Stand back!” Gale shouts. He takes an arrow and shoots at the bridge. It causes an explosion which detaches the bridge. It sinks into the foul poison beneath us, making it impossible for the mutts to reach us, unless they don’t mind going into the poisonous brew. 

For a moment they’re wavering on the ledge on the other side, shrieking out in rage. Lashing out at each other and themselves. And then they lunge forward into the toxic bubbling fluid.  
The others start shooting at the mutts where I can do nothing but wait while the insanity starts to build up in me again. I crush my cuffs together, making the bleeding in my wrists worse. I don’t care, I need to feel it as I’m fighting the voices in my head. The shadows approaching me. The mutts throwing me from the tower into the crashing waves.  
We have to go! Climb this ladder and disappear. I can’t hold on for long in these surroundings. We can’t fight these mutts. The bullets don’t hold them back. Even Finnick’s trident isn’t deadly enough. They keep advancing and their smell is starting to overwhelm the foul smell of the sewer. I look at Katniss and see she’s trembling all over. The psychology of the fear is getting to her. These mutts are created for her and that’s why she’s affected by them the most. She needs to go. Others notice this too. I nudge Pollux and he already starts to ascend the stairs.  
“Katniss, you have to get out of here!” I shout at her. She’s not responding at all. Instead she shoots another arrow into a mutt that already reached this side of the sewer. I don’t hesitate for a second, lift her up in my arms and slam her into the ladder. Taking both her hands and forcing them to grab the steps. “Climb!” I order, “Now! Hurry!” She finally obeys and starts sprinting upwards. I follow her immediately. Telling myself over and over again that I need to keep her out of harm's way. I’ll be a shield for her, give my life for her. Wanting her to reach the end of this ladder where safety awaits her. 

We reach a platform and go on further to a second ladder. I notice Cressida is climbing behind me but when I look down I see no one else following her. When we’ve reached the end of the second ladder Katniss pulls me from it and Cressida after me and stares down into the darkness.  
Before I can stop her she starts to descend the ladder. I’m stumbling forward, trying to hold her back, but I can’t reach her. I fall forward on the ground and look at the hole in the ground in which Katniss disappeared. Terror overwhelms me for a second until I hear Gale’s voice shouting an order.  
“Climb!” Not long after that Katniss is back on the platform and she pulls him from the ladder, again staring into the shaft, looking for others.  
“No.” Gale takes her face in his hands and shakes his head. I notice a wound in his neck, the blood dripping onto his uniform. 

From below there are still sounds of hissing, combined with the cry of a human in pain.  
“Someone's still alive,” Katniss is begging Gale to let her go down and save the others.  
“No, Katniss. They're not coming,” says Gale. “Only the mutts are.”  
Katniss shines with a flashlight in the tube but finally accepts the horrible truth. She takes the Holo and says in a choked voice "nightlock, nightlock, nightlock."  
I scramble up from the floor and crouch against the wall with the others. The Holo explodes in the tube and there’s a shower of human flesh and bits of mutt spraying out of the tube and covering us. I wipe away the stuff from my hair and face and this is the point where I start to tremble uncontrollably. I barely notice Pollux getting up and slamming the cover over the pipe.  
“We can't stop here.” Katniss says but her voice starts to fade away as the darkness is covering me.

Shadows. I can’t hold them off any longer. I bury my face in my hands while the voices tell me to finish the job the mutts failed to do. 

Kill her! Kill her!  
No! I won’t! 

We stood accused, we’ve been judged for a crime we didn’t commit. But we must pay for it now. With our lives, with our souls, with everything we are. And I can’t take it anymore. Enough of the hell, enough of the pain. Just let me die here. Whatever it takes, how hard this fight is, I won’t do it, I won’t kill her. 

“Peeta,” I hear her voice in the distance.  
Her hands clasp around my wrists and she pulls my hands from my face.  
“Peeta?” My name. She’s saying my name again. I open my eyes and see her right in front of me, so close, her forehead almost touches mine. 

Kill her! 

I need to protect her, I love her. But she’s slipping away, out of reach, out of touch.  
“Leave me,” I whisper. “I can't hang on.”  
“Yes. You can!” Katniss insists, while looking at me intently.  
I shake my head. “I'm losing it. I'll go mad. Like them.”  
She must know, must understand she can’t take me with her. I’ll kill her. I’m fighting it but I’ll lose this battle. And then she will die. And Snow will win this. And the world will be covered in darkness where there’s no more hope, no more sunlight. Only death. She must leave me here. 

But she doesn’t. Instead she leans into me and her mouth crashes on mine. She presses hard and I feel my whole body shudder at her assault. I can taste her and smell her and feel her everywhere. Her lips are soft, despite the pressure. The memories attack me full force. Katniss kissing me in the cave. Holding me close to her. Throwing herself at me that day of our reunion after the Games. Her hands are still on my wrists, holding me in place. I’m jolted back in time as another memory surfaces. 

I do, I need you.  
The saltiness of the water, the sand underneath us. Katniss crawling onto my lap, kissing me so intensely. Her eyes shining with such a soft glow. She never looks at anyone like that, only me. 

The shadows are washing over me.  
Kill her!! The voice is shouting. 

I won’t! I won’t let him touch her. I love her. 

Katniss breaks away from me and entwines her fingers with mine. "Don't let him take you from me,” she whispers desperately. Her eyes are shining silver.  
I’m panting, catching my breath. 

Kill her! 

“No. I don't want to...”  
Katniss digs her nails into my skin, holding me so tight. “Stay with me.” 

I thought she had left me. That she had taken off to the woods with Gale. But she came back. Her foot was broken and she was in a lot of pain. I was so relieved that she returned. I loved her so much. She was lying in bed and the sleep syrup was pulling her under. But she managed to get one more sentence out. “Stay with me.”  
I know the answer. I stare into her silver eyes, they’re still shining with the same soft glow that I recognize now. Telling me what she doesn't say out loud. That she doesn’t want to leave me. That she needs me. That she loves me.  
“Always.” I whisper.

She helps me back to my feet and asks Pollux, “How far to the street?”  
He’s pointing upwards and we start climbing the ladder. Katniss first and I follow right behind her. She arrives at the end of the ladder and I see her removing a lid and climbing onto the floor of a utility room. She’s standing up, looking around. I’m almost off the ladder and into the utility room when the door opens and a woman stares straight into Katniss’s eyes.  
I can see she’s about to call for help when Katniss raises her bow.  
Without hesitation, she shoots her through the heart.


	16. Tigris's basement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The few people that are left after the massacre in chapter 15/22 are in need of a place to hide. Cressida leads them through the Capitol to a cat woman, Tigris, who hides them in her basement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 23 from Mockingjay.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own Mockingjay

"All I need"  
\- Within Temptation

'I'm dying to catch my breath  
Oh why don't I ever learn?  
I've lost all my trust,  
though I've surely tried to turn it around

Can you still see the heart of me  
All my agony fades away  
when you hold me in your embrace

Don’t tear me down for all I need  
Make my heart a better place  
Give me something I can believe

I'm here on the edge again  
I wish I could let it go  
I know that I'm only one step away  
from turning it around

I tried many times but nothing was real  
Make it fade away, don't tear me down  
I want to believe that this is for real  
Save me from my fear  
Don't tear me down

Don’t tear it down  
What’s left of me  
Make my heart a better place'

Who the woman was calling to we don’t know, because the apartment is entirely empty. Which is good, because now at least, we can spend a little time without anyone dying. I sink onto a sofa in the living room, trying to grasp on to my sanity. Dying to catch my breath. Katniss is standing in the middle of the room, looking around.  
“How long do you think we have before they figure out some of us could've survived?” she asks.  
“I think they could be here anytime,” Gale answers. “They knew we were heading for the streets. Probably the explosion will throw them for a few minutes, then they'll start looking for our exit point.”  
Katniss walks to the window and looks out on the street. Gale is standing in the doorway. He looks extremely pale and the bandage around his neck is soaked with blood. If he keeps bleeding like this he’ll soon lose consciousness. Seeing him standing there causes a flash of doubt. What just happened down there? Katniss kissed me, which was so weird. Why did she do that? Because I thought she loves this guy, standing in front of me. It’s a mystery to me but I also feel a pinch of anger. Here we go again, she’s just going around kissing him, kissing me, whenever she feels like it. Voices of accusation make my head swirl. The agony I feel makes me push my face in a pillow that’s lying on the sofa. I want to scream to release this feeling of misery, but I know I have to contain myself. So instead, I bite hard on the pillow.  
I feel like I’ve lost all my trust again. I’ve tried so hard to turn it around, but one look at Gale and here I go again. Why don’t I ever learn? Am I that dependent on this girl? Is it her death or her life that will seal my fate? Prim told me so, she told me to go and find her so I can find myself again. But even though she’s here with me, I don’t think I actually found her. I don’t know who she is and I have no idea what to do with her.  
And something else, even if I did find her, would she even want to be with me? I tried to kill her twice. I’m still not sure who I am. But does she see me? Can she still see the heart of me?

Katniss and Cressida are standing by the window. “I know where we are,” Cressida says, “It’s not even that far from the President’s Mansion. Just a few blocks.”  
Katniss nods, “But we can’t go out on the streets like this.”  
“No, that’s true.” Cressida agrees, “We need some form of disguise.”  
“Let’s check her closets,” Katniss says. She leaves the room in search of the bedroom.

I get up and walk to Pollux, who stands weeping against the fireplace mantel. He just lost his brother and the grief can’t be contained. Even though I myself am worn from all the conflicting emotions, I feel a great urge to comfort him, which also distracts me from my own intern struggle. This avox, who lived a life of torture and now lost his brother on top of that, he makes me realize I’m not the only one who’s suffering. So I nudge his shoulder with my cuffed arms and tell him I’m sorry for his loss. For this horrible life. For everything. He wipes his tears away and shakes his head, indicating it’s not my fault.  
Then Katniss calls from upstairs for us to come and get dressed.  
Together we go upstairs, where we find Katniss searching through the immense closet filled with outfits, shoes, wigs and makeup.  
“There’s a whole section for men too,” she says, indicating the bedroom on the other side of the house. “Maybe she had a husband or something.”  
Then she notices my wrists, which are still bloody from ramming my cuffs into them. She takes the key from her pocket and grasps my hands but I yank away from her.  
“No, don't.” I tell her, “They help hold me together.”  
“You might need your hands,” says Gale.  
“When I feel myself slipping, I dig my wrists into them, and the pain helps me focus,” I explain. Katniss just nods and puts the key back in her pocket. Gale raises his eyebrows but doesn’t comment on it any further.

We dress ourselves in fur coats, large hats, wigs and shawls to hide our faces. I try smearing some makeup on my face but it’s not really going that well.  
“Here, let me help you,” Cressida says, and she covers my face in a layer of powder with a swift hand. I’m thinking how lucky we are that Cressida is the one who’s survived even though we’ve lost all the soldiers from Thirteen. She’s the most valuable person in the room now, with her Capitol upbringing. Although Finnick would also know a lot, with all his years as a mentor spent in the Capitol.  
At the memory of Finnick I become aware of the awful truth that he died. He died. While we were in the sewer I was too preoccupied with protecting Katniss and later busy with holding myself together, I didn’t even notice him missing. But I do now. People die every minute in this war, and every death is terrible. But Finnick. He was my friend, my ally in the Quarter Quell. He saved my life more than once. And Annie, only just married but already a widow. At the thought of this sweet, albeit a somewhat unstable woman, tears fill my eyes. I remember her telling me how she and Finnick went swimming together. I see them now in my mind’s eye. Splashing around in the water, laughing, kissing, being in love. But that’s over now. Finnick’s death leaves me deflated and I feel so worn-out. All I want is to crawl into this bed and let sleep take over. Maybe my father can visit me in my dreams again. We can bake some cookies together, that would be nice.

But I don’t get the chance. Instead, Cressida wraps a scarf over my mouth and nose and looks at me appraisingly. “Good, you’re unrecognizable.”  
We’re all ready and standing by the door, waiting for Katniss, who is stuffing her pockets with more food. She hands a first-aid kit to Gale. “Here, we’re going to need this.”  
When she’s ready she opens the door. Just before she steps out into the street, she turns and says, “Stay together.”  
We’re out on the streets where it’s snowing, which seems a bit early for this time of year. Maybe in the Capitol it isn’t, I don’t know for sure.  
The streets are filled with people going on about their business. It’s about half past nine in the morning and they’re heading for work or trying to find more food. I hear them talking to each other about where to go to do some more stockpiling. Others are speaking about the rebels and the turn of the tide now that the Mockingjay is dead. A man shakes his head, “She’s not dead! They don’t even know for sure.”  
There are Peacekeepers too, and I get the feeling that walking through these streets is not really safe for us. Katniss, in front of me, is whispering with Cressida. “Cressida, can you think of anywhere?”  
“I'm trying,” Cressida answers and she leads us through the city. Then a siren begins to wail. “It’s another broadcast,” she says. Katniss is getting nervous at this news. “Cressida?” she asks, urgently.  
“There's one place. It's not ideal. But we can try it,” she says. 

It’s all we can do to just follow her through several blocks, through a garden and into a small alley. There are less people around, which is good. The alley has a couple of stores, a woman is looking through the window of one of them.  
Cressida suddenly grasps Katniss’s arm and starts chatting in an affected Capitol accent. “You need fur underwear these days. They are absolutely essential in the winter. You know how cold these months can get.” I see Katniss nod her head and Cressida continues, “Wait until you see the prices! Believe me, it's half what you pay on the avenues!”  
Half way through the alley Cressida comes to a stop in front of a store that sells fur underwear. She opens the door and we follow her inside. The store is small and it’s badly lit. There’s nobody in here except for the shop owner, who’s sitting in the back.

As we approach her I notice how odd she looks. Her face is tattooed with black and gold stripes and she has very long cat whiskers. Her nose is almost completely gone. She looks like a cat, with only the furry pelt missing. Something her shop seems to make up for her.  
Cressida’s standing at the counter now and takes off her wig, “Tigris,” she says. “We need help.”  
The name seems fitting. I look at Pollux next to me and raise my eyebrows. “Tigris” I mouth at him and I make a noise like a cat would make. Pollux’s face lights up in a smile and I smile back at him.

In the meantime the woman is eyeing up Cressida and the other members of our party.  
“Plutarch said you could be trusted,” Cressida says, hoping to persuade her.  
Tigris is squinting as she takes in our faces and then looks at the television, which is on and is showing our pictures. Katniss, following Cressida’s example, removes her wig, to show Tigris who we are.  
When Tigris recognizes her she growls, exactly like a cat would do. I grin at Pollux again and Gale, behind him, has a smirk on his face as well. This woman, we should feel sorry for her, but she looks and acts so weird that we can’t suppress a smile.  
Tigris gets off her stool and disappears behind a rack of fur-lined leggings. Cressida and Katniss exchange a look and then follow her around the furs. We all walk forward too and see Tigris has moved a board in the floor, revealing some sort of cellar underneath it. She’s gesturing towards it. Katniss hesitates, not sure if she should trust this woman. She looks into the dark cellar and then back to Tigris. “Did Snow ban you from the Games?” she asks.  
Tigris doesn’t reply and Katniss continues, “Because I'm going to kill him, you know.”  
It doesn’t come as a surprise to me, this confession. Haven’t I thought of doing the same thing as well, kill Snow. But where everybody can see that I won’t be able to pull that off, I have a feeling that she could actually do it. If she can get close enough, that is. 

Katniss disappears in the cellar and we follow her downstairs. When we’re all inside, we can hear Tigris slide the panel back and adjust a rack of clothes on top of it. Making the entrance invisible. Which means we’re safe and out of sight.  
The cellar is cold and damp and filled with old fur coats and other moldy-smelling clothes. There’s a dim light bulb hanging on a chain attached to the ceiling. I’m taking in my surroundings when my eye falls on Gale. In this dim light he looks grey and his body is about to give up. Hastily I help Pollux gathering some furs and coats to make a bed for him, while Katniss and Cressida release him from the weapons and his boots that are hanging around his neck. They help him on the bed and Katniss examines his neck wound. When she removes the bandage I see that the gaping wound probably needs stitches. Katniss tenses up while she’s searching through the first-aid kit. I’m thinking about how much she is like her mother. Able to use anything in the woods and in the jungle to cure wounds. She never believed me when I told her she was a healer. “Prim is the healer,” she would say. She’s always so good in underestimating herself. While I look at her stitching Gale’s neck I’m thinking how she’s such a mystery to me and how strange it is that she has no idea herself, of the effect she has on people.  
Look at me, look at Gale. 

She’s whispering something to him and he closes his eyes, lost to the world immediately. Cressida and Pollux continue to make beds for the rest of us, but I sink to my knees. Not able to do anything anymore. Here I am, on the edge again. I wish I could just let it go. All this fighting in the world and in my head. I tried so many times, but nothing was real. And Katniss. What will she do? Break me down or build me up? She approaches me now and kneels before me, checking my wrists.  
“Come,” she says while she pulls me up and leads me to the faucet. I let her clean my wounds. She gently rubs some antiseptic salve on my wrists and binds them with clean white cotton bandages. “You've got to keep them clean, otherwise the infection could spread and – ”  
“I know what blood poisoning is, Katniss,” I interrupt. “Even if my mother isn't a healer.”  
She looks up from my wrists, into my eyes. She remembers it too.  
“You said that same thing to me in the first Hunger Games. Real or not real?” she asks softly.  
“Real,” I answer. “And you risked your life getting the medicine that saved me?”  
“Real.” She lifts her shoulders slightly. “You were the reason I was alive to do it.”  
“Was I?” I ask, not knowing what she’s referring too. Is she lying to me again? But this doesn’t sound like something she’d lie about. I want her to give me something I can believe. I need that so badly. But everything gets mixed up in my head. Something that’s shiny appears on the edges of Katniss’s frame and I know shiny is wrong so I try to fight it. My body tenses and I press my wrists against the cuffs. The pain reminds me of what’s real. I close my eyes for a second and when I open them again it’s just Katniss and me in an obscure basement. I sigh and with it the little energy I have left leaks away.  
“I'm so tired, Katniss.” I whisper. I hope she notices I’m telling her something that’s true. Admitting this to her makes me feel so vulnerable. I’m still afraid that she would break me down, that she’ll tear down what’s left of me. 

“Go to sleep,” she says softly.  
I shake my head. “You need to cuff me to something,” I say, “Maybe the stair support?”  
“Are you sure?” she asks, “It would be so uncomfortable.”  
“I don’t care,” I tell her, “I can’t be of any risk to you or anyone else here. I can’t, Katniss. Please.”  
“Okay,” she says and she shackles me to the stair support. I lie down with my arms above my head, Katniss is right, it’s not comfortable, but it’s what I need. Besides, I’m too exhausted to care.  
It doesn’t take long before sleep pulls me under. 

Good luck is on my side for once, because when I wake up, it’s early evening and all I’ve done in the meantime is sleep. Strangely enough, no nightmares, no dreams haunted me while I slept and I actually feel a bit better and well rested.  
The others are awake too, except for Gale, but it doesn’t take long before he begins to stir. Cressida asks him how he’s feeling.  
“A little dizzy,” he says, “But okay, I guess, considering the circumstances.”  
“It’s the blood loss that makes you light headed,” Katniss explains, “Here, eat something.”  
She hands him a can of stew and while he eats Katniss says, “I have to confess something to all of you.”  
Everyone looks at her expectantly and she starts talking. “I lied. I lied about the mission. There’s no order from Coin to kill Snow. It’s just me, I want to kill him. I want to take my revenge for everything he’s taken from me.”  
She glances at me for a second at those words and then continues, “I’ve put everyone in danger because of it. All the people from our squad and crew died because of me. And now here we are, in this cellar, and we’ve achieved nothing. Only more dead people, innocent lives lost.”  
She collapses into silence and no one else gives her a response. Gale’s still chewing his stew. Cressida and Pollux seem lost in thought.  
I’m thinking she’s not telling us anything new, and the fact that she thinks we didn’t know she was lying surprises me. She’s not that good a liar, she must know that by now. 

“I knew that goat would be a little goldmine.”  
“ You’re a little cooler though.”  
“Of course I’m not going.”

Katniss, lying to me in that cave during our first Games. I have to suppress a smile at the memory.  
Of course, I’m not the only one who knew she wasn’t telling the truth, because Gale finally breaks the silence to bring her the news, “Katniss, we all knew you were lying about Coin sending you to assassinate Snow.”  
“You knew, maybe. The soldiers from Thirteen didn't,” Katniss says.  
“Do you really think Jackson believed you had orders from Coin?” Cressida asks. “Of course she didn't. But she trusted Boggs, and he'd clearly wanted you to go on.”  
“I never even told Boggs what I planned to do,” Katniss replies, unsure of what the others are saying.  
“You told everyone in Command!” Gale says. “It was one of your conditions for being the Mockingjay. ‘I kill Snow.’”  
Katniss wavers but shakes her head. “But not like this. It's been a complete disaster.”  
“I think it would be considered a highly successful mission,” says Gale. “We've infiltrated the enemy camp, showing that the Capitol's defenses can be breached. We've managed to get footage of ourselves all over the Capitol's news. We've thrown the whole city into chaos trying to find us.”  
“Trust me, Plutarch's thrilled,” Cressida adds.  
“That's because Plutarch doesn't care who dies,” Katniss points out. “Not as long as his Games are a success.”  
Her remark is so pointed. It makes me think about Plutarch and the role he plays in all of this. What is his goal? Does he even care about the outcome of this war? He’s fascinating but also scary to me, because Katniss is absolutely right, he doesn’t care about the casualties.

“But still,” Gale says, “I feel confident about our mission. We just have to make a plan about where to go from here.”  
“Yes,” Cressida adds and Pollux nods along.  
They continue to talk Katniss out of her guilt trip while I stare at the ceiling. There’s a spider making a web in the corner of the room. I watch it work and think about how animals can create such beautiful things where humans do nothing but break and destroy. If Katniss can put an end to this by killing the president, and I believe she can, we should work on a good plan.  
“What do you think, Peeta?” Katniss’s voice breaks through my thoughts.  
“I think...you still have no idea. The effect you can have.” I try to look at her, slide up the cuffs, so that I can sit up and look her in the eyes. “None of the people we lost were idiots. They knew what they were doing. They followed you because they believed you really could kill Snow.”  
She’s silent for a while, assessing my words. Then she nods slowly. “Okay. We should make a plan.”  
She takes the paper map of the Capitol from her pocket and folds it out on the floor. “Where are we, Cressida?”  
Cressida points out our location and we see we’re not far from the mansion. “It’s not far, but once we’re there, what can we do?” Cressida asks, “It will be heavily guarded, we can’t just walk in and shoot him.”  
“What we need is to get him out in the open,” Gale says. “Then one of us could pick him off.”  
“Does he ever appear in public anymore?” I ask.  
“I don't think so,” says Cressida. “At least in all the recent speeches I've seen, he's been in the mansion. Even before the rebels got here. I imagine he became more vigilant after Finnick aired his crimes.”  
What crimes is she talking about, I wonder. But I guess now is not really the time to ask, so I let it go.  
“I bet he'd come out for me,” Katniss suggests, “If I were captured. He'd want that as public as possible. He'd want my execution on his front steps.”  
She’s quiet for a second and then adds, “Then Gale could shoot him from the audience.”

Katniss, in Snow’s hands. Who knows what he’ll do to her. Torture her like he did to me. That is not an option. I shake my head. “No. There are too many alternative endings to that plan. Snow might decide to keep you and torture information out of you. Or have you executed publicly without being present. Or kill you inside the mansion and display your body out front.”  
“Gale?” Katniss asks.  
“It seems like an extreme solution to jump to immediately,” he says, and I’m grateful he takes my side. Of course he doesn’t want to see her in Snow’s hands either. “Maybe if all else fails. Let's keep thinking.”  
We all fall silent, thinking about a better plan. Above us the panel slides open and Tigris appears in the opening. “Come up,” she says. “I have some food for you.” Her voice sounds throaty, like a cat would sound if it could speak. It’s intriguing, how this woman has adopted the manners of the feline species.  
When we arrive upstairs, Cressida asks, “Did you contact Plutarch, Tigris?”  
“No way to." Tigris answers. “He'll figure out you're in a safe house. Don't worry.”

The food Tigris got for us consists of stale bread and moldy cheese with mustard. Katniss eyes the food and tells Tigris we have canned goods. "We don't need it. If you need it yourself?"  
Tigris waves with her hand, dismissively, "I eat next to nothing," she says. "And then, only raw meat."  
Katniss divides the food and we all start eating. Tigris turns on the television and we watch a reporter announce that the five of us survived. "These five people are highly dangerous," she says, "They killed an entire squad of Peacekeepers and even unarmed citizens."  
The camera shows the woman lying on the floor of the utility room, Katniss's arrow stuck in her heart.  
"Have the rebels made a statement today?" Katniss asks Tigris. When she shakes her head Katniss says, "I doubt Coin knows what to do with me now that I'm still alive."  
At this Tigris laughs, a crackly laughter, "No one knows what to do with you, girlie." 

We finish the bread and go back to the cellar, where we continue to come up with a plan to assassinate Snow. Several ideas are suggested and dismissed. "We have to split up when we leave this place," Gale says, "they know there are five of us now, the number is too obvious."  
"Maybe we can split up into two groups and try to infiltrate the president's mansion." Cressida suggests.  
Well, yes. Good idea, but how? The evening continues and nothing substantial comes up. Finally we give up and go to sleep, maybe tomorrow will bring some enlightenment.  
Katniss changes my bandages and then she handcuffs me to the stair support again. I lie down and fall asleep quickly after that.

The jungle is alive and ticking. We’re back in the arena. After the Cornucopia stops spinning, Katniss walks towards me and wraps her arms around me. I bury my face in her hair and inhale her scent. I realize all the agony fades away, when she holds me in her embrace. All I need is for her to save me from my fear, to make my heart a better place. To bring me back to her so we can live again. But can she do that? Can she still see me or am I too far gone?

I wake from the dream and lie still, staring at the ceiling while these questions swim in my head. I’m not sure if we really can live again, if we can recapture the life that lingers somewhere in my memory. Deeple buried at first, but it begins to surface. I sigh deeply and realize my throat is dry. The hot air from the jungle in my dream made me thirsty. The water faucet is not far from where I’m lying but I can’t get there. My cuffs prevent me from moving. I sit up slowly and look around when my eyes fall on Gale, who’s lying awake, his eyes trained on Katniss.  
What was I thinking? That she could lead me back to her? Why would she even want that? This boy, this man with his grey Seam eyes and his hunter qualities. He belongs to her. They are alike, they think as two halves of one person. It’s always been like that. It’s only because I’ve ruined their relationship with my stupid declaration of love that they’re not together right now. And I’m sure that right now, if I weren’t here in the room with them, they wouldn’t be lying so far away from each other.

Gale notices my glare and looks up. “Are you okay?” He asks, “Do you want anything?”  
“I’m thirsty,” I confess.  
Gale gets up and fills a glass at the faucet and hands it to me. “Here you go.” He says, and he sinks back in his bed again. I drink silently, thinking about something to say to him, but I can’t think of anything substantial.  
“Thanks for the water,” I finally get out.  
“No problem,” Gale replies. “I wake up ten times a night anyway.”  
“To make sure Katniss is still here?” I ask him. I’ve noticed how he almost never takes his eyes off her and I wonder if he thinks she’d take off without telling us. If he’s afraid to be left behind.  
“Something like that,” Gale admits.

He loves her. More than I do, I think. At least in this moment. Maybe that was different in the past but right now, I’m not sure about my feelings for Katniss. I feel she has the key to my life and she can answer a lot of my questions. But will she do that? I think about what Tigris said earlier and how right she is.  
Gale’s still awake so I say to him, “That was funny, what Tigris said. About no one knowing what to do with her.”  
“Well, we never have,” Gale says.  
We both give a small laugh. Then I decide to tell him he should be the one for her, not me and my twisted mind.  
“She loves you, you know,” I tell him. “She as good as told me after they whipped you.”  
“Don't believe it,” Gale answers. “The way she kissed you in the Quarter Quell...well, she never kissed me like that.”  
“It was just part of the show,” I say softly, but I am a little surprised at his words and they make me doubt if what I’m saying is entirely true. I do, I need you…  
“No,” says Gale, “You won her over. Gave up everything for her. Maybe that's the only way to convince her you love her.”  
He’s silent for a long while and then adds, “I should have volunteered to take your place in the first Games. Protected her then.”  
“You couldn't,” I say immediately. “She'd never have forgiven you. You had to take care of her family. They matter more to her than her life.”  
“Well, it won't be an issue much longer.” Gale says. “I think it's unlikely all three of us will be alive at the end of the war. And if we are, I guess it's Katniss's problem. Who to choose.”  
He gives a big yawn. “We should get some sleep.”  
“Yeah.” I slide the handcuffs down and lie back in the pile of fur while I think of Gale’s lasts words. Who will she choose? “I wonder how she'll make up her mind.” I say.  
“Oh, that I do know.” Gale tells me. “Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without.”


	17. Out on the streets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting too dangerous to stay inside of Tigris's house. Everyone in the Capitol is on the run. The squad needs to make a plan and go! Katniss and Gale tell Peeta that he should stay behind. But Peeta doesn't intend to do that. After they say their heartbreaking goodbye, Peeta goes out on the streets. Where it's mayhem...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 24 from Mockingjay.  
> Disclaimer: Suzanne owns Mockingjay, not me.

“Girl on fire”  
\- Alicia Keys

'She's just a girl, and she's on fire  
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway  
She's living in a world, and it's on fire  
Feeling the catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away

Oh, she got both feet on the ground  
And she's burning it down  
Oh, she got her head in the clouds  
And she's not backing down

This girl is on fire  
This girl is on fire  
She's walking on fire  
This girl is on fire

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame  
So bright, she can burn your eyes  
Better look the other way  
You can try but you'll never forget her name  
She's on top of the world

Everybody stands, as she goes by  
Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes  
Watch her when she's lighting up the night  
Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl  
And it's a lonely world

She's just a girl, and she's on fire'

A chill runs through the room and I hide a little bit further into the fur. It’s cold in this cellar. I try to go back to sleep but Gale’s last remark repeats itself in my head, and it’s keeping me awake. “Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without.”  
Is Katniss really like that? So calculated. Sure, her goal has been to survive, ever since her father died it’s been a struggle. But is that her main motivation for everything she does? Right about now, she doesn’t even seem to care about survival in the first place. This highly dangerous mission, her idea about giving herself up to Snow. It sounds more like a suicide mission to me.  
My mind goes back to the our first reaping where she volunteered for Prim. That had nothing to do with survival and everything with love. And then the second Games, the night we spent on the beach. How we kissed, how she was willing to protect me at all costs. Later on my hijacked state made me believe she used me, but the footage I’ve watched in District Thirteen proved something else. She was trying to save me, and if I have to believe Prim and Delly, she was really heartbroken because she failed. That had nothing to do with her own survival either. I don’t know, I don’t know. Is she motivated by love? She’s just a girl, only seventeen. What’s she supposed to do, except for trying to survive?  
Katniss doesn’t seem that cold to me as Gale portrayed her. To me she’s like a girl on fire. Burning by the desire for justice. Determined to put an end to this misery, and to the Games and Snow’s tyranny. When she’s so passionate about that, wouldn’t she be passionate about love too? Like her family, she loves them more than life. So when it comes to loving a boy, I’d think she would be as passionate about that too. Suddenly Prim’s words come to mind. 

“Because Katniss can’t stop loving someone once she’s started it. When she gives herself, she gives herself wholly. There’s no turning back from that.”

But Gale, he’s known her for so long, and so much better than I know her. He somehow perceives it differently. Or wrong. Maybe he doesn’t know her at all.  
Another thought comes up, considering Katniss’s survival. If she’d pick whoever she thinks she needs to survive, I actually wonder if she’d pick anyone at all. If that would truly be her motivation, survival. Just survival. She could survive fine without either one of us. She’s pretty self sufficient. It doesn’t take that much to survive. But surviving is so limited. And life is supposed to be so much more than just surviving. And Katniss is more than that too.  
In the end, it was a stupid question for me to ask anyhow, because Gale’s right, chances are we’ll die in this war sooner rather than later. And all this will be a moot point.

The next morning we go upstairs to watch a broadcast from District Thirteen while having a breakfast of liver pate and fig cookies. The broadcast shows big progress for the rebels. They’ve come up with an idea of deactivating the pods with unmanned automobiles, which makes it possible for them to secure a lot of blocks in just a little amount of time.  
“This can't last,” says Gale. “In fact I'm surprised they've kept it going so long. The Capitol will adjust by deactivating specific pods and then manually triggering them when their targets come in range.”  
Gale really has a great eye for these military tactics, because just after he said it, we see this exact thing happening.  
“I bet it's killing Plutarch not to be in the control room on this one,” I say.  
Pollux nods at that and Cressida says, “Count on it.”  
While a Capitol reporter tells civilians from certain blocks to evacuate, my mind wanders to Plutarch again. What will he do? What will Thirteen do? This can’t last forever, and I really wonder how it will end. If Katniss could only assassinate Snow and bring down his regime, and very soon too, that would really help minimize the casualties. But so many people don’t seem to care about the casualties. It really is astonishing. What is the value of a single person when it comes to winning a war? I believe people can never be used as a means to an end. But go and tell Plutarch that, he would probably just shrug and not be bothered with it.

Katniss, who went to look out of the window, comes back to the breakfast table to report what she saw. “The streets are packed with refugees. Maybe we can go and mingle with them?”  
“Better be careful.” Gale says, “There’s no saying where they’ll be brought to and where we’ll end up if we’d go. And we have a bounty on our heads.”  
“It’s really unsafe for you to be out there,” Tigris says with a purring voice, she looks towards the door and adds, “I will go into the Capitol for you. See if I can pick up any helpful information.”  
We go back to the cellar and Tigris leaves the shop. There’s not much we can do down here. We sit on the fur beds, still trying to come up with a good plan. Katniss is pacing around, which is pretty annoying. It’s clear she’s seriously stressed about our situation and wants to move into action. I understand that, we’re in such a dead end right now. But we can’t very well just run out on the street, we’d be killed before we’ll reach the end of the alley. It would be easy, truthfully, but it’s too late for the easy way out. And even though I’ve wanted to die for a long time now, I can feel I’m slowly changing my mind about that. A part of that is curiosity. I want to see where the war will lead us. If the rebels win, would that bring an improvement? If Snow wins, living will be hell. But the footage I’ve seen this morning is telling me he doesn’t hold the winning hand. The rebels do. All the districts are united against the Capitol. The Capitol won’t last long. They’ve lost powerful weapons. Castor said they don’t have any aerial footage which means they don’t have hovercrafts anymore. They lost me as a weapon too, because I won’t kill for them any longer. Katniss is safe from me now, I’m pretty sure of that. Since our moment in the sewer I’ve been doing better and better. I want to keep the manacles on for good measure, but the shiny memories are kept at bay. At the moment I’m not even cuffed at the stair support anymore.  
I also feel I want to stay alive because I owe it to everyone who died. My parents, my brothers, my friends. I want to use my life in a way that ensures that their deaths weren’t in vain. So I have to make it worthwhile again, if we win this war. Katniss explained it to me once, about owing people and not being able to pay the debt. I didn’t really get that, because I was fine with giving without receiving. But if you’re on the other end of it, on the receiving end, then it’s different. I get it now, what she was talking about. I owe these people.

The day passes with nothing much happening. It’s late afternoon when Gale speaks up.  
“Shouldn’t she be back right now? It’s getting late.”  
“Maybe she’s been held up,” Cressida suggests.  
“Maybe she’s been arrested.” I say.  
“Or she turned us in.” Gale replies.  
“No, if that were true, Peacekeepers would be here by now.” I say.  
But finally Tigris does return and she has food with her. Hot food even. We’re all revived by the meal that consists out of ham and potatoes.  
While we eat Tigris tells us the streets are still filled with refugees who can’t find a place for the night.  
“Aren’t people letting them into their houses?” Gale asks incredulously.  
“No,” Tigris shakes her head, “Most of them closed their shutters, they pretend to be out. Peacekeepers are breaking in to force people to take in the refugees.”  
These Capitol citizens are really appalling to me. How could you leave people outside in this cold if you have a warm house with beds and sofa’s to spare?  
Tigris turns on the television and we watch a Head Peacekeeper telling the people to take in refugees. “Even the president has ordered a part of his mansion readied to receive citizens tomorrow. Take over his good example! Like the president, shop keepers should also be prepared to lend their floor space if requested.”  
“Tigris, that could be you,” I say.  
We all realize what that means. If people come to stay here, we’re trapped in that cellar for who knows how long. It means we have to get out of here soon, maybe tomorrow?

The next thing we see is even more appalling than people not willing to help others. A young man was beaten to death by a crowd, because they thought he was me. When they show a picture of the victim it’s clear that he doesn’t look like me at all.  
“People have gone wild,” Cressida mumbles.  
The rebels break in again and we see they’ve taken more blocks. Their advance is going swift.  
“Line C is only four blocks from here,” Katniss says, while studying the map of the city. Then, as if agitated by something, she gets up and starts assembling the silverware on the table. “Let me wash the dishes.”  
“I'll give you a hand.” Gale says.  
Together they walk to the kitchen and I can’t help but to stare after them.

Someone she can’t survive without…

Is Gale that someone? 

When they come back it’s clear they’ve talked about what to do next, especially about me.  
“We’re leaving tomorrow,” Katniss says to me, “But I really think it’s best if you stay here.”  
I nod, “Of course, I can’t come with you. I’ll only put you at risk.”  
I can see in her face that she’s relieved I’m not arguing about it. But if she thinks I’ll just sit here while she puts her life in danger again, she doesn’t know me. She’ll have to drug me again with sleep syrup if she wants me to stay put.  
“I’m going out on my own.” I tell her. Katniss scowls, not happy with my decision.  
“To do what?” asks Cressida.  
“I'm not sure exactly. The one thing that I might still be useful at is causing a diversion. You saw what happened to that man who looked like me,” I say.  
“What if you...lose control?” Katniss asks.  
“You mean...go mutt? Well, if I feel that coming on, I'll try to get back here,” I tell her.  
“And if Snow gets you again?” asks Gale. “You don't even have a gun.”  
“I'll just have to take my chances, like the rest of you.” I say and I look at Gale.  
He reaches in his pocket and hands me a nightlock tablet. The way out if I would get caught. I’m grateful for his offer, but now he’s left without.  
“What about you?” I ask him.  
“Don't worry. Beetee showed me how to detonate my explosive arrows by hand. If that fails, I've got my knife. And I'll have Katniss.” He smiles at that and I wonder if it has anything to do with her needing him to survive. Talking about her like he owns her, like they belong together. An inseparable pair. “She won't give them the satisfaction of taking me alive.”  
“Take it, Peeta,” Katniss says, she sounds upset. Then she closes the fingers of my outstretched hand over the pill. “No one will be there to help you.”  
I look in her eyes, her expression distresses me. I wonder what’s going through her head. Is she upset at the idea that I might take this pill and die? Will she live through this all and be mourning my death afterwards? Or is she just scared for what’s to come and how she probably won’t survive this anyway? My gut feeling is telling me she’s not planning to stay alive. This is the feeling that bothers me the most. Why would she want to die? Does she have nothing left to live for?

This next night is bad for me. In my dreams I’m losing Katniss over and over again. I know these dreams, I’ve had them before. For a few months they were replaced by dreams of her killing me, but now we’re back in the familiar nightmare. Only waking doesn’t bring relief, because I will lose her. She’ll be off with Gale tomorrow. She’ll choose him and she’ll die. And I’ll be alone and insane and with no reason to live. I can’t believe my fate is so closely connected to her and it frustrates me. Why can’t I live without her? She shines so bright, like a flame that burns my eyes.  
Katniss herself is not having a good night either. I wake up several times by her screaming. Something in me wants to go to her and hold her like I used to do. But I have to remind myself those days are behind us now. She probably wouldn’t even trust my arms around her. Probably would interpret it as an act of violence. These thoughts make me feel even more dispirited.

In the morning, after breakfast, Tigris helps us with good disguises to leave for the streets. She hides our uniforms behind layers of clothes. Adjusts wigs and applies makeup. She gives us handbags and other stuff to carry with us so we’ll look like real refugees.  
“Never underestimate the power of a brilliant stylist,” I compliment her skills, it’s my way of telling her that I respect her and that I’m grateful. We put her in a dangerous potition and she helped us without second-guessing us.  
We get ready to leave. The plan is as following. Cressida and Pollux will leave first, their job will be to guide Katniss and Gale, who will leave second, to the mansion. From there no other plans are made, they’ll have to take in the situation before they can make their next move.  
I’ll be leaving last, trying to follow Katniss and Gale and create a distraction if needed.  
Tigris opens the door for Pollux and Cressida.  
“Take care,” Cressida says and they disappear. I can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever see them again.  
After they leave, Katniss unlocks my cuffs and my hands are free. It’s a strange sensation to be able to move them around freely again. I’m rubbing my wrists and stretch my arms. Looking at my hands and then back to Katniss. Her expression surprises me. She looks scared and desperate.  
“Listen,” she says. “Don't do anything foolish.”  
“No. It's last-resort stuff. Completely,” I assure her.

The next moment her arms are around my neck. Her body pressed against mine. A familiar feeling. As if my body knows hers, like my lips knew hers when she kissed me in the sewer. A bit haltingly I hug her back, wrapping my arms around her waist. For a second I bury my face in her neck, inhaling her scent that no amount of perfume can overtake. This is it. This is the end.  
“All right, then.” Katniss says and she lets go of me.  
“It's time,” says Tigris. Katniss gives her a kiss on her cheek, adjusts her clothes and then she and Gale step over the threshold into the great unknown.

The feeling of desperation Katniss emanated has transferred to me. All this time I wasn’t sure about her. I didn’t know what to think. Going back and forth in my feelings for her. But right now, in this moment, the feeling of loss is really overwhelming. My Katniss. My world.  
“She’s gone,” I whisper.  
Tigris looks at me and shakes her head. “Go after her, you silly boy.”  
I look at her and nod. She’s right, it’s not over yet. There’s still a job for me out there. I can still try and keep her safe.  
About a minute after Katniss and Gale left, I hug Tigris goodbye. “Thanks for everything,” I tell her. It’s hard to see, but I think she’s smiling at me. “You be careful, baker’s boy.”

Once outside I’m immediately aware of how cold it is. And it’s snowing too. The street is packed with people who are shivering from the cold. Most of them don’t have enough clothes on them. Even though these are Capitol people, I realize they’re victims too. And innocent. Little kids, wearing only slippers and thin nightgowns, with only robes to cover them from the chilly air. Old people, walking with a cane. A woman in front of me slips on some ice. My first intention is to help her up, but I can’t risk her recognizing me, so I dart around her. I’m trying to locate Katniss and Gale in front of me, but the streets are too full and I can’t make them out. It’s okay, I’ll just go to the President’s Mansion myself and see what I’ll come across there.  
In the distance I hear gunfire. It’s not even that far away. Does that mean the rebels are closing in? I’m looking around, is there anything indicating their presence? I don’t see anything suspicious but I do locate a road sign showing the way to the President’s Mansion. Most of the people on the streets are following that sign and I tag along. 

After covering a few blocks I hear the gunfire again, but much closer. A block to my left is a main avenue, and I see through a small alley just a glimpse of a man shooting in the street. The rebels! It must be the rebels. Shortly after they begin shooting in this street as well. People around me crumble to the ground. Unarmed, innocent citizens stained red by the bullets. I flatten myself against the wall of a shop, hiding behind a large billboard that shows the latest fashion at reasonable prices. What to do? Where to go? It’s clear that the rebels are here and there’s no need for me to create a diversion. Should I go back to Tigris? Katniss would definitely want me to do that, but I can’t. I can’t just sit there, not knowing what’s happening. Katniss is heading to the mansion and I need to be there as well. I need to be there for her.  
With new resolve I walk through the street, hopping over the bodies, trying to hide from Peacekeepers and rebels alike, behind racks of clothes or a border with flowers. I’m in a quieter part of the city now. There are fewer people on the streets and it’s clear the mayhem is happening more to my left. Someone comes running from an ally. “They’re activating pods!” she’s screaming to no one in particular. The pods, the last resort of the Capitol. No hovercrafts left, nothing to attack the rebels with. But these pods will kill everybody else as well. 

Nothing can be done about that, I tell myself, and I continue moving forward. It’s weird how I can stay so calm in this mayhem. I don’t know why I’m not losing it. But nothing shiny comes to mind. Instead I’m determined to reach the President’s Mansion, no matter what’s happening. A squad of Peacekeepers comes running past me, not giving me a second glance. Tigris did her job well.  
I start to run as well, following a young couple. They’re holding hands and move in unison. Jumping over bodies or other obstacles in their way. Disappear around another corner. When I arrive there as well, I come to a stop. I’m here. Somehow I’ve reached the City Circle. And in the middle of it the President’s Mansion.  
The City Circle is jam-packed with people. No one’s shooting here but there’s panic. People are screaming, weeping. Others just sit in the snow, numb from shock. I’m circling around them, approaching the mansion until my way is blocked by a concrete barricade.

Inside it there are people too, huddled together, guarded by Peacekeepers. As I come closer to the barricade I notice the people on the other side of it are children. But what are they doing behind that concrete barricade? And where are their parents? The whole situation is so absurd. Then it dawns on me, these children are positioned between us and the president. To keep us away from him. And not just us, the rebels too. We can't get to him without having to break through these children and their guards. There's no way to reach him without these children getting trampled. They function as his personal shield. 

On the left side of the square there's commotion. People are trying to get away as they're shouting in fear. "The rebels! The rebels!"  
Around me the people start to panic as well. Trying to flee away from the rebels who invade the square. I'm looking around, to see if I can locate Katniss and Gale, or any of the others but the blur of panicked people make it impossible for me to see.  
Above me a shadow blocks the sun and I look up to see a hovercraft appear out of nowhere. It hovers above the children inside the barricade and releases a shower of silver parachutes. The seal of the Capitol is visible on the hovercraft, which confuses me. I thought they didn't have any hovercrafts left.  
The children in the barricade reach for the parachutes and try to open them. I've just turned around, in search for Katniss when the explosion happens.  
There's shock and unbelief waving through the crowd as everyone realizes that the parachutes were bombs. Screams of pain come from the wounded children while others lie dead around them. Inside my head the screaming begins as well. It’s not forming any words, just screams.

Can't help these children. Have to find Katniss.  
Don't listen to the screaming. Stay focused.

I dig my wrists into my pockets, I don’t have the cuffs anymore to inflict pain so I just have to deal with the screaming without the distraction of pain. I harden myself and with this new resolve the voices recede. My mind becomes clear again and I start pushing through the crowd. I shift to the left, choosing the direction on pure instinct. Peacekeepers are tearing down the concrete barricade to reach the children. From behind me a group of medics in white uniforms enters the area where the children are held. They’re kneeling next to the wounded, starting to treat them.  
My eyes search through the crowd of frantic people when I see her. Clamped to a flagpole. Her eyes wide with fear as she takes in the dying and wounded children. “Katniss!” I scream her name but she's too far away to hear me. The next moment she's gone, sliding down from the pole and into the crowd. I haul myself up on one of the barricades that was taken down by the peacekeepers, to get a better view and see her crashing through the crowd towards the wounded children.  
At first I'm confused, because what is she doing? But then I look back, in the direction Katniss is heading and that’s when I see the girl. The blond braid down her back, wearing a District Thirteen medical uniform and kneeling down next to a wounded child. Katniss has almost reached the barricades and I hear her scream her name. “Prim!”  
Primrose looks up and sees her. Katniss is frantic and I know something is wrong. I don't hesitate for a second, jump off the barricade and run towards her.  
And that's when the rest of the parachutes go off.


	18. Fire and justice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fire is burning. Prim caught in the middle of it. She's never going to survive this. This beautiful, lovely girl. Always so positive, and such a valuable person in Peeta's treatment. She's dead.  
> But Peeta can't just stand there in the mayhem and mourn her. He has to safe his girl. Katniss wants to follow Prim, like a bird in the sky. But he can't let her go, can't let her die.  
> And after fire, comes justice...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 25 from Mockingjay.  
> Disclaimer: no, I'm not an owner.

“Two suns in the sunset”  
\- Pink Floyd

In my rear view mirror the sun is going down  
sinking behind bridges in the road  
and I think of all the good things  
that we have left undone  
and I suffer premonitions  
confirm suspicions  
of the holocaust to come

The rusty wire that holds the cork  
that keeps the anger in  
gives way  
and suddenly it's day again  
the sun is in the east  
even though the day is done  
two suns in the sunset  
could be the human race is run

Like the moment when your brakes lock  
and you slide toward the big truck  
and stretch the frozen moments with your fear  
and you'll never hear their voices  
and you'll never see their faces  
you have no recourse to the law anymore

And as the windshield melts  
my tears evaporate  
leaving only charcoal to defend  
finally I understand the feelings of the few  
ashes and diamonds  
foe and friend  
we were all equal in the end 

Real or not real? Fire is everywhere.  
The explosion causes a wall of fire to descend on us. The parachutes shoot balls of flame into the crowd. The people closest to the exploding parachutes die almost immediately. And I see it happening.  
I’m fixed on reaching Katniss, but I’m immobilized for a moment, my eyes drawn towards the dying children. There she is, and she’s burning. Burning like a human torch. I know instantly that she’s passed saving. One moment I feel the fissure in my heart when this realization dawns on me. Prim!  
But my head is telling my heart I’ll have time to mourn later. I have to find Katniss first. She can’t be more than a couple of yards away from me but it’s hard to see through the blur of people, smoke and debris. But I know she’s there, I just saw her about a minute ago, heading in this direction. So I push people aside, ignore the sense of burning when my clothes are catching fire. I won’t stop until I find her.

First I make out the small, motionless figure. Then I see the dark braid from under the hood. She lies burning, unconscious on the ground. I take off my coat and smack her on the back with it, making sure the flames die down. They do, but they’re on me too, burning my back and reaching my neck now. I scream from the pain but try to push through it at the same time. I won’t give in, have to try to take her away from this mayhem. If I pass out now, she will be left here, lying on the ground, and she’ll die.

With all the strength I have left in me I disregard the pain and lift her lifeless body off of the ground. I have no idea where to go so I choose a direction randomly. Half walking, half stumbling to get away from this square and bring her somewhere safe.  
But where to go? A hospital would be the obvious place to go, but I can’t know where it’ll be. So I start screaming, “A hospital, I need to find a hospital.” I’m no longer concerned about people recognizing us, preoccupied as I am with my own panic and the fear I feel for the girl in my arms. No one pays attention to me because the chaos is still everywhere. Rebels are running around, shooting Peacekeepers. There are people still trying to get to the wounded. Others are fleeing in the opposite direction.  
Feeling more dead than alive I stumble into a street. Katniss lying heavy in my arms. I can feel she’s still alive, but heat radiates off her wounded body. A scent of burned flesh comes off from her body and it makes me nauseated. But I’m destined to keep her safe. Have to rescue her, can’t let her go. Fate brought us together and I will not let it separate us again.  
It must be pure adrenaline that keeps me going despite the burning pain. I reach an intersection and turn my head from side to side, trying to decide which road to take. A tall woman with dark hair appears from her house and rushes towards me. She looks dishevelled and dazed, as if she’s not quite sure what’s going on. There’s something about her that’s vaguely familiar but I’ve no time to think about that.  
“A hospital,” I yell again, “Please tell me where I can find one. She’s going to die.” I become aware of the tears rolling from my cheeks, the sheer desperation makes my whole body tremble.  
“I’ll show you the way,” she says, caught by the urgency in my voice. She leads me through the streets. Everywhere around us there’s death and misery. In a large avenue there’s a pile of bodies, all of them looking intestine pink.  
“It’s a pod,” the woman explains. “We’re almost there now, hang on!”  
Around another corner the big red H from the hospital appears. There’s chaos there too. People are running in and out frantically. Wounded people, rebels, peacekeepers. There’s gunfire here too. But also medics, people that can save us. I see two people in white coats running towards us with a stretcher. The relief I feel burns away my last shred of energy and with the hospital in sight I collapse onto the street. The last thing I notice is I’m falling sideways and Katniss is falling with me. The woman lets out a shriek and then darkness covers me.

“Stay with me”  
Katniss whispers the words through the shadows and I go searching for her. I promised I would be there, always. But no matter how hard I try I can’t find her anywhere. The fire is burning still and the agony is about to consume me. She’s there too, in the fire. But flames and shadows are concealing her. I’m trying to push past them, run through endless spaces, trying to reach her. She’s hiding somewhere in this inferno, trying to follow her sister through the flames and into the sky. Flying away from here, leaving me alone. I want to go after her, but I can’t grow wings. I’m stuck to earth and there’s no way to be with her. I’ve lost her.

When I regain consciousness I’m lying in a bed in the hospital. Beside me, in a chair lies Haymitch, fast asleep. I shift my head a little and become aware of the pain emanating from my burned body. I see I’m covered in bandages. A nurse enters the room and checks my chart. When she sees I’m awake she comes to stand next to the bed. “Peeta, hello. Good to see you awake. I will call the doctor to check on you in a moment. How are you feeling?”  
“I... I don’t know.” I stammer, my throat hurts. The memories of the fire and the burning come back and I lift myself up a little and stare at the nurse in shock. “Katniss,” I get out, “How is she?”  
At the sound of my raspy voice Haymitch stirs and opens his eyes. “Oh, you’re up. Finally.” He sounds honestly relieved as he gets out of his chair and bends over me. “Katniss?” I ask again.  
“She’s alive,” Haymitch says, “She’s here in the burn unit, being treated.”  
I sink back into the cushions and wince. “Careful,” says Haymitch, “Your back is in pretty bad shape. The flames reached all the way up to your neck and your face as well.”  
The nurse leaves the room, telling us the doctor will be here soon. Then Haymitch fills me in on what has happened in the last few days that I’ve missed. His voice is strained, he looks exhausted.  
“You and Katniss were brought into the hospital by a Capitol woman,” he frowns a little at that but doesn’t elaborate on it, “You’ve been in treatment in the burn unit ever since. The rest of your team made it out as well. Gale was captured but managed to escape. Cressida and Pollux made it through without injury. On that same day the Capitol fell. President Snow’s been captured and is awaiting trial. There was little resistance after the bombs went off. President Coin leads the country now.”  
I nod a little, it’s a lot to take in but it’s missing the more important information. I think back to that moment when the bombs went off. And it dawns on me. I see her again, burning, until nothing remains. “Prim.” I whisper.  
I see Haymitch’s face contort in pain. He loved her too, she was one of the few people that could actually coax a smile out of him. “She’s gone,” he says solemnly.  
“No.” I say, I refuse to believe it but I know it’s real at the same time. “That can’t be true. Please, Haymitch.”  
“I’m sorry,” he says solemnly. “Those bombs. She didn’t stand a chance.”  
We both stay silent for a long time. Mourning the loss of someone who was an innate good human being. There are too few of those already.  
The pain of her loss is devastating. At the same time something is nagging at me, questions rise up in me. Because I wonder why she was there in the first place. Wasn’t she supposed to be safe in District Thirteen?  
“Do you know what happened, exactly?” I ask Haymitch, “It was all so confusing and happened so fast.”  
“I’ve seen it on television,” Haymitch says grimly, “A hovercraft dropped those parachutes.”  
“But I though Snow didn’t have any hovercrafts at his disposal.” I say, while cringing from the pain in my back.  
“I don’t know, boy.” Haymitch sighs and looks at me, concerned, “You’d better focus on getting better first, let the questions come later.”

When the doctor comes he tells me my back has suffered severe burns in the third degree. They had to do surgery and cover my entire back in new skin. The nerves are corroded, so it will probably take days before I can sit up or walk. I’m lucky that the flames missed most of my face and my eyes. My hair has been cut short because it was almost entirely singed away. “But you’ll be fine,” the doctor says, “Physically at least.”  
Another doctor comes to visit me later that day. He introduces himself as Dr. Aurelius, the head doctor. “I’ve been told you suffer from the aftermath of hijacking,” he says, “I want to observe you and see how you’re handling it. So when you’re released from the burn unit you’ll be transferred to the psychiatric unit.”  
Right. The psychiatric unit. Because I have not just physical pain to deal with, but emotional pain as well. I’m mentally disoriented. That’s what it says on the medical bracelet on my wrist. When I tell this to Haymitch, who comes to visit me again at the end of the day, he shrugs. “It’s true,” he says.  
He then hands me a small, round object. It sits in the palm of my hand and I look at it, surprised. “A pearl.” I say, “Why are you giving this to me? What for...?”  
“They found it in Katniss’s pocket. Wanted to throw it out. I managed to save it for you. So you can give it to her again one day.” Haymitch says.  
“I don’t understand.” I say, looking at the pearl in my hand. “Give it to her again?”  
“Yeah. Don’t ask me why she had it with her, but this is the pearl you gave her in the Quell. You found it in an oyster.” Haymitch explains.  
“I did?” I ask, “I don’t remember that.”  
“You don’t remember a lot of things,” he says impatiently, “I’m sure they’ll have tapes you can watch. I’m going to find something to drink. See you later.”  
He leaves me perplexed, still staring at the pearl. 

I’m not allowed to see Katniss, to ask her about it. She’s too unstable, they tell me. And she’s not talking anyway, apparently it’s some mental condition caused by her grief. The cause of Katniss’s grief hits me as well. It leaves me feeling utterly defeated. Sure, the rebels won, but what have we gained? When the world takes away someone so pure and lovely, where’s the hope? To me it’s like the human race is run. Prim was someone I trusted, someone who helped me after the hijacking. Who never posed a threat, not even in my greatest moments of fear.  
If it’s like this for me, I can only imagine how terrible it is for Katniss. Prim was everything for her. She loved her more than life. Volunteered for her in our first Games. That makes her death even more bitter. And useless. So useless. There’s so much pain, some days it feels like that’s all there’s left. 

It takes a couple of days before they allow me to get transported from the burn unit to the psychiatric unit. There I’m still confined to bed rest and daily visits from Dr. Aurelius. I hear from Haymitch that Katniss was allowed to leave the hospital. She lives with her mother in the President’s Mansion. He tells me she’s still not talking.  
I ask Dr. Aurelius about the pearl Haymitch gave me. “You don’t remember it?” he asks.  
I shake my head. “There are a lot of things I don’t remember.”  
“Well, I’m sure we can find a tape of it somewhere,” he says, “I’ve received your file from dr. Marja Groot, I’ve been told she treated you in Thirteen and used tapes as part of your treatment.”  
After a moment of silence he adds, “There’s something that you need to know, but it isn’t  
going to be easy. But lies or secrets will not help you. Here’s the thing: they’ve arrested them. The people who hijacked and tortured you. Antonius Carlianus and Marzia Seronoza. And everyone who had connections with them as well.”  
He’s silent for a while as he watches me take in the news. The people who tortured me, who changed me into Snow’s mutt. Captured.  
“What will happen to them?” I ask.  
“They’ll be executed.” Dr. Aurelius says. “Probably soon.”  
I nod. It makes sense. This verdict seems justified. “Do you think there will a possibility for me to see them?” I say, “I mean, I don’t want to talk to them or anything. Just see them through a one sided glass wall or something.”  
“Why?” Dr. Aurelius asks, “Don’t you think it would be too hard for you ?”  
“No, I don’t. I want to see them,” I say, “I think it’ll help me find some closure.”  
Dr. Aurelius is quiet for a while, considering my request, probably weighing the benefits and risks it takes bringing a mentally disoriented patient in contact with his culprit. He’s looking over my chart again and finally nods.  
“Okay, maybe it will help, we can give it a try. They’re being held in the prison together with all the other war criminals,” he says, “The building isn’t that far from the hospital. I would have to clear it with the president, but I don’t think it would pose a problem.” 

It takes a couple of days before I’m recovered enough to go and then I still have to wait another day to receive green light from the president. I’m allowed to go there and see them. I don’t really understand why the president has to give her permission for this, but I don’t question it. Dr. Aurelius takes me in a wheelchair to the prison. I can’t walk, my prosthetic was ruined by the fire. They’re still busy with making a new one. It doesn’t matter, I’m too weak to walk anyway. But it’s weird to have one leg instead of two.  
The prison is not far, only a few blocks away from the hospital. We don’t even take a car, instead the doctor pushes my wheelchair through the snow in the quiet streets.  
“It’s so still,” I whisper, “Where is everybody?”  
“Most people are in their houses. Licking their wounds.”Dr. Aurelius tells me. “And there’s a lot of work to be done. People are busy with rebuilding and cleaning and disposing bodies. But this part of the Capitol was barely scratched. So there’s not much going on here.”  
We arrive at the prison and a guard takes us to the right floor. “They have adjoining cells,” he explains, “We’ve put everybody with similar crimes together in the same cell block.”  
We come to a standstill in a small hall with rows of doors on both sides. “So behind these doors are all war criminals?” I ask the guard.  
“Yes,” he says, “These already have been tried and convicted too, they all got a death sentence.”  
“All of them?” I ask, “No one is spared?”  
“No one deserves to be spared,” the guard answers. “Or do you want the lives of the people who tortured you to be spared?”  
I don’t know if I want that. They deserve to be punished, after all the horrible things they did to me, and to Johanna too. But am I the one to judge whether someone else, anyone else, should live or die? I’m glad they didn’t ask me to testify, apparently there was enough proof. Haymitch told me everything was taped so it was clear that they were guilty of the crimes they were held accountable for.

I remain silent and stare at the glass windows in the doors. The guard points out behind which doors Antonius and Marzia are. “They can’t see you, or hear you,” he says. “If you want to say something to them, let me know. We will bring them to the interrogation room and there it’s possible for you to speak with them.”  
I nod and indicate to the doctor to push my wheelchair to the first window. Behind it there’s a small white cell, with a small bench nailed to the floor and a thin mattress in the corner. A man is sitting crossed legged on it, staring at the wall. He looks smaller than I remember him, but still heavy and the muscles in his arms tell me he must still be extremely strong. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. A dull aching starts in the back of my head while I look at him. I’m trying to find a monster, but in the end he’s just a man, a pitiful man, sitting on that mattress.  
“He’s responsible for many deaths,” the guard says. “I’m sure you heard he killed your stylist and your prep-team on the night you were rescued.”  
My eyes grow wide and I turn to the guard. “No,” I whisper, “I never heard that. Portia...”  
I collapse in silence as the pain consumes me again. So many people dead. Portia. My prep-team. The tears sting in my eyes. I’ll never hear their voices again. I’ll never see their faces. And I know there’s no recourse to the law anymore. The people who are responsible for this must die too.  
“So many deaths. So much hatred,” I whisper, “And still there’s another holocaust to come.”  
“What do you mean?” asks Dr. Aurelius.  
“It’s just, I’m not saying they don’t need to be punished. But if you kill everyone, who will be left? And is there no room for mercy in this world?” I say.  
The guard looks at me in astonishment. “You want mercy for this man?”  
“I don’t know, I don’t know what I want.” I shake my head, “Can I see her now?”

The doctor takes me to the next cell. It’s exactly the same as the first one. Inside there’s a tall woman with dark hair, I recognize her immediately. “She’s the one who leaded me to the hospital.” I say to Dr. Aurelius.  
“That’s right,” he says, “She brought you in. The hospital was already filled with rebels at that moment. She was totally oblivious to that and when she told them who she was they arrested her and brought her here.”  
“She leaded me to the hospital,” I repeat, astonished by this fact. “She saved me, and Katniss.”  
“She hijacked you.” Dr. Aurelius says. “Her name is Marzia. Does it ring any bells?”  
It does. And now that I see her in this clear light, instead of on the street while I was burning, I remember her too. But this is so strange. This woman put me through hell, and she saved me too. It’s so contradicting. What am I supposed to do with that?  
“Can I talk to her?” I ask the guard.  
“Sure, no problem,” he says. He begins to speak into a device and brings us to a room with a table and a couple of chairs. There’s a deck of cards lying on the table.  
“Why is that here?” I ask the guard.  
“I think it was left there by another visitor,” the guard says.  
I take the cards in my hand and think about the hundreds of card houses I built in my cell. An idea comes to mind. “Can you give this to Antonius?” I ask the guard. He nods and takes the cards. “Tell him it came from me.” I add.

After the guard leaves Dr. Aurelius looks at me, “Why do you want him to have that?”  
“I had a deck of cards in my cell,” I tell him. “Darius gave it to me.”  
“So what is this, a thank you to him for killing Darius?” Dr. Aurelius asks, obviously taken aback.  
“It’s more a sarcastic note, I think.” I say softly.  
“But you’re giving him something to make it easier for him.”  
“Yes, I’m doing the exact opposite to what he did to me. How would it make you feel if you were him?” I ask and look into the doctor’s eyes.  
He stares back and then makes a gesture with his hand, moving his thumb about a millimeter from his forefinger. “It would make me feel about this big,” he says.  
“Exactly,” I say.

The door opens and another guard enters, bringing Marzia with him. Her hands are cuffed behind her back, there are dark circles under her eyes. He slumps her down on the chair across the table. She looks up to me, scared, like a wounded animal.  
“Do you know who I am?” I ask her. She nods.  
“Do you have any idea what you did to me?” I ask again. She lifts her head and looks me in the eyes for a second, then her eyes flit away.  
“Yes, I have,” she whispers, “You’re Peeta. I hijacked you.”  
“Sure, but do you know what you did to me? Do you know what it means?”  
She shakes her head. “I… uhm, I don’t. I’m not sure.”  
Suddenly all the anger for what I’ve been through demands to fight its way out of me.  
“Have. You. Any. Idea!” I shout at her. “So much pain, so much confusion! You ruined me! And I hate you for it!”  
Marzia bursts into tears, not used to outbursts like these. “I’m sorry,” she whimpers, “I didn’t mean to.”  
“Yes, you did!” I yell, “You did mean to. Don’t you dare lie to me!”  
Her whole body shudders, tears are sliding down her face, in her neck, into the prison uniform she’s wearing. With her hands cuffed behind her back it’s impossible for her to wipe them away. She moves her shoulder against her face, trying to dry her cheek.  
I’m suddenly reminded at how it felt to be cuffed all the time. How uncomfortable it was. Not being able to move my hands, even though at one point it was my own decision to keep the manacles on.  
I guess that it doesn’t matter then, whether she’s a foe or a friend. We are all equal in the end.  
The energy drains out of me and for a second I bury my face in my hands. What am I doing here? This doesn’t solve anything. And there’s nothing to do either. I can’t prevent them from executing her, even if I wanted that. And she’s not going to give me the peace I’m searching for.  
“Thank you,” I say finally, “For showing me to the hospital.”  
She looks up again and our eyes lock. Hers have taken on a vacant look. I’m not sure if she even knows what I’m talking about, if she recognized me that day. It doesn’t matter. I realize there is nothing left for us to say to each other.


	19. Back to the beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta gets working on his therapy. Dr. Aurelius suggests to start at the beginning.  
> He also gets an unexpected visitor who tells him about a meeting before Snow's execution.  
> At that meeting Peeta sees Katniss again. What does that do to him? And then Coin comes with a ridiculous proposal...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with chapter 26 from Mockingjay.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own Mockingjay or any character in it.

Part 3 - The Answer

“Extranjero”  
\- Trinity

I’ve been driven so far from home and motherland  
I buried my soul deep in the desert sand  
I’m just a foreigner, a shadow of a man  
Homeless like the wind I leave  
No tracks  
No trace  
No memory 

See my need  
Put me back together  
Piece by piece  
Stay with me forever 

Jamais jamais jamais  
Nunca nunca llegare  
Still on my way  
Jamais jamais jamais  
Nunca nunca Llegare  
Still on my way  
To a better day 

Ya no se de donde vengo, no se a donde voy  
He perdido lo que tengo, perdido lo que soy  
Un extranjero en el desierto voy  
Sin vivienda como el Viento  
Yo no dejo  
Recuerdo  
Ni huella

I don’t know where I’m coming from or where I’m going  
I’ve lost everything including myself  
A stranger in the desert  
Without a home, just like the wind I leave no tracks, no sign of life

Out in the hall, Dr. Aurelius puts a hand on my shoulder. “Did it help?” he asks.  
“I’m not sure,” I answer, “I don’t think it solved anything. They can’t give me back what they took from me. The damage is done.”  
“True. You just have to continue your journey of finding yourself again.” Dr. Aurelius says, “And deal with the things you’ve lost.”  
“Do you believe I will find the answer?” I ask him, while he’s pushing the wheelchair through the hall and out of the prison. “I still feel like I’ve lost everything. Including myself. And Katniss. She’s alive, but right now it feels like she’s not a part in my life anymore. I never see her. She doesn’t come to visit me. I really feel lost.”  
“I believe you’ll be able to find yourself again,” The doctor says, he taps me on my head, “The answer is in here.”

She’s in your heart. Find her again and you’ll find yourself 

“Prim told me Katniss holds the answer.” I tell the doctor.  
“That could very well be true,” he says, “I’m sure she can answer a lot of questions. And your relationship is important. But you are a person on your own too. Your existence isn’t dependent on her. You should find your own reasons to live.”  
“It does feel like it though,” I say, “Like my existence is depending on her.”  
“What will happen to you, then, if she dies, or if she never starts speaking again? If she’ll never comes back in your life?” the doctor asks, “Will you fade away or something?”  
“I don’t know,” I say, “I guess I will never stop searching and never ever arrive. Always on my way to a better day. I’ll be a foreigner in my own land.”  
“Maybe that will get better if you turn back home, to District Twelve.” The doctor suggests. “Being home can help you, make you feel more at ease and therefore help you emotionally as well. You can rebuild your connections there.”  
“Maybe, I’d like to go home. I really would. But I’m scared too, because I don’t know what awaits me there.”  
“Tell you what, we’ll get busy on making you better and then I’m sure I’ll be able to get you back home.” I look up and see he smiles at me encouragingly. “Don’t give up on hope, Peeta."

We arrive back at the hospital and a nurse helps me back in bed.  
“How’s the pain?” she asks.  
“I could use some morphling,” I tell her.  
Only after she gives it to me I am able to relax again. Seeing Marzia and Antonius took more out of me than I expected. I start mulling over the doctor’s words. Should I find my own destiny? Apart from Katniss? Is there anything left in this world for me?  
Most of the districts are damaged. The Capitol too. There are so many deaths, so few people are left. I think about what I said in that interview with Caesar Flickerman. Is this really what we want to do? Kill ourselves off completely? In the hopes that, what? Some decent species will inherit the smoking remains of the earth?  
I’d almost say that it’s unfortunate that we didn’t manage to kill ourselves off. There are still human beings on this earth. Still able to destroy it a little more. At the moment I feel like I’m carrying the weight of this on my shoulders. Guilt because of the destruction. Depression because there’s lack of hope for a better future.

Despite this feeling of hopelessness I do start working on my therapy with Dr. Aurelius. Somehow he seems a trustworthy person, with a logical, rational approach to my recovery. He tells me he has a new suggestion for some therapy for me. “To help you clear your memories, I believe it’s best to start at the beginning. So far, from what you’ve told me, you’ve regained random memories, asked random questions. It all swims together in your brain, it’s not coherent.”  
“Start from the beginning?” I say, “I guess that makes sense. Maybe it will help sort out this confusing mess inside my head.”  
“I’m quite certain it will,” the doctor says, “Now, forget everything that has happened under duress, and start from the beginning with what you know to be true and rebuild the history from scratch, fitting in what you remember as you go along."  
He’s silent for a while and looks at me as I think. “What’s the first thing you can remember?” He asks me.  
“My brothers, running around, laughing.” I tell him. “I remembered this earlier, back in Thirteen, when I was visiting the home of one of my guards.”  
“Good, very good,” the doctor says, “How old were you then?”  
“Very young, not older than three, I think.” I say.  
“That’s very helpful to know you have these early memories. Not a lot of people have memories from when they were still a toddler,” he says. “So do you remember where you lived, how life was back then?”  
I nod and start thinking aloud, “We lived above the bakery. Our house always smelled like freshly baked bread. We lived there with the five of us. My parents, Brannick, Rye and me. I liked it.”  
“What did you like?” asks Dr. Aurelius.  
“I liked the smell of the bread. And playing with my brothers. Helping my father bake cookies.”  
“Was there anything that you didn't like?”  
This question I didn’t expect. And I don’t really want to answer it. But there must be a reason why he asks this so I decide to respond. “I didn't like the screaming and the hitting.”  
“Can you specify that?” the doctor asks.  
“My mother,” I get out, “she was...” At the memory of my mother hitting me the tears sting my eyes. It's hard to relive this. Ridiculous, because after all I've been through, my mother hitting me seems like such a small thing. 

“Did your mother used to hit you?” The voice of the doctor is soothing and I feel I'm able to answer him truthfully, even though I've never really talked about this with anyone.  
“She did, yes.” I tell him, “But in the light of all that has happened lately, it doesn't seem to be such a big deal.”  
“You might think so, but it doesn't work that way, Peeta,” the doctor says, “No matter what happens to you now, your mother hitting you while you were a child is always a big deal. Because something like that can affect your entire being.”  
“You think it affected me?”  
“I do, it explains a lot actually. Your willingness to give up your life for Katniss in the Games.”  
“No, I was willing to do that because I loved her,” I say.  
“Sure, but don't underestimate how your mother’s behavior affected you. Normally, children who have abusive parents develop a low self esteem. You thinking Katniss has more valid reasons to live than you have is an example of that.” Dr. Aurelius explains.  
I nod. If he puts it like this, it makes sense. But still, there was more to it than having a low self-esteem. At least, that’s what I believe.  
“You're right though, you did it also because you loved her and that really says something about the strength of your character,” says the doctor, “I think despite your upbringing, you're doing remarkable well.”  
“Maybe that's because of my father,” I muse, “He was always wonderful, you know. I learned a lot from him.”  
“It sure helps if one of your caregivers can function as a good example and shows you you’re worthwhile.” Dr. Aurelius says, he scribbles something on a notepad while I think about my parents and the contradicting roles they played in my life.  
“I'm surprised how well you're doing in this therapy, Peeta.” Dr. Aurelius breaks the silence, “I’ve never heard of someone coming out of a hijacking and still being able to remember a lot from their childhood. And you do, which is a good thing. Especially considering the circumstances. We can work with that. Build up your memory from there until we've regained everything.”  
I frown my eyebrows. “Everything?” I ask, “Do you think that's possible?”  
“Maybe not everything,” the doctor revises, “But a lot! I'm quite positive about your progress!”  
With that he leaves my room. I wonder what the progress is he's referring too. All his visit did was remind me of my parents and the fact that they're not alive anymore doesn't make it a better at all.

In fact, this night I hardly sleep and when I do the nightmares terrorize me. My parents burned to ashes by the firebombs. My brothers choking in the smoke. The pain of the burning is agonizing. And Prim, burning too. Everything is a blaze of fire which never can be quenched again. Eventually I'm so scared of these vivid nightmares, I decide to stay awake the rest of the night. Not trusting my eyes to close, I stare at the pearl lying on the nightstand. What does it signify? Why is it lying there? I decide to ask the doctor about it again tomorrow. He wants to take things chronologically, but I want to know.  
When dawn finally arrives the nurse tells me I have a visitor. I sit up in bed, not knowing what to expect, when Effie Trinket enters the room. She looks the same as ever, although I do notice a flicker of stress in her eyes.  
“Hello, Peeta,” she says and she places herself next to my bed. She's fidgeting with a handkerchief, not knowing what to say.  
“Effie, how nice to see you again.” I say and smile at her.  
“Yes, yes,” she says and she looks around in my room. Her eye falls on the pearl on the nightstand. “Oh,” she exclaims, “the pearl you gave to Katniss!” She takes it in her hand and bursts into tears.  
“Effie!” I say, concerned, and place my hand on her arm, “What's wrong?”  
“Nothing, nothing really,” she says while she wipes her eyes with the handkerchief. “It’s just, this pearl, you and Katniss in the Quarter Quell arena. It brings back memories. That’s all.” She looks into my eyes and smiles a shaky smile. “I’m really happy that you’re still alive, that both of you are still alive.”  
I smile back at her and think there’s no need to wait for Dr. Aurelius. Effie knows it too. “Effie, can you tell me about the pearl?” I ask her, “I don’t remember anything about it.”  
“Sure, I can tell you all about it.” Effie says, “Where to start? Let me think.” She frowns a bit and then breaks out in a smile. “Oh yes! You were fishing. It was the day after you gave her the locket. Finnick, Katniss and you were busy gathering fish. You were prying open an oyster and the pearls was in it. I remember it so well, because you said to Finnick how if you press coal hard enough it would turn into pearls. Yes, I told you that, I remember!” Effie beams brightly.  
“Right,” I say. It does seem like something Effie would say, it’s nonsensical of course, because coal doesn’t turn into pearls if you press it. Pearls grow in oysters. They’re beauty that arises out of pain.  
“Yes, well. You gave it to Katniss, the pearl. And she accepted it too.” Effie says. “That’s it, that’s all they aired I think.”  
“Didn’t we say anything about it to each other?” I ask.  
“Hmm, yes, she thanked you. Then you asked her if the locket worked. She said yes. I don’t remember all the details. But you were trying to convince her that she should live and she wouldn’t agree with it.”  
“Why?” I ask, “Why wouldn’t she agree with that?”  
“Well, it was just as in the first Games, Peeta,” Effie says seriously, “She really doesn’t want to live without you.”  
“I don’t know if that’s still true.” I say.  
Effie gives a deep sigh. “A lot happened, a lot of changes, I don’t know either,” she admits, “And how is it for you? Do you want to live without her?”  
“I feel like she’s the one who can put me back together.” I say, “But how can I be sure of that? I haven’t seen her in days. Haymitch tells me she’s not talking.”  
“Yes, I’ve heard that too. I guess we’ll find out next week. It’s Snow’s execution and she will be the one to shoot him.” Effie says.  
“Really?” I say.  
“Yes, and for all the other victors it’s required to be there. That’s also why I came to see you. You’ll be expected at a meeting with the other victors and after that you’ll be escorted to an area on the terrace of the President’s Mansion to view the execution live. They want it to be public.”  
“And what’s the meeting for?” I ask.  
“I don’t know, that’s classified. But you’re expected there next Wednesday at noon. I’ll be taking Katniss, but I can send someone to pick you up, okay? Now, I’m sorry but I’ve got to go, we have a tight schedule and I still have to find Katniss’s prep team.”  
She places the pearl in my hand and gives me a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll see you next week.”

In the next week Dr. Aurelius comes by every day and we talk about my childhood. My days in school, how I became friends with Nick and Sams, and later Elgort. The time I spend with Delly, drawing pictures on the street. My teachers, my classmates. We discuss everything. Dr. Aurelius is pretty pleased with what I’m able to remember.  
On the day before the execution Dr. Aurelius gives me an assessment on the state of my brain. “It seems they really only tampered with your memories from the Games. Everything else got jumbled and confused too in the wake of the hijacking, but it’s not altered,” he says, “So I think it’s time to start discussing Katniss. What do you know about her from your years in school? Don’t think about anything that happened after the reaping, just your younger years. Was there a girl a girl named Katniss that played a part in your life?”  
“Katniss.” I repeat the name slowly, as if hearing it for the first time. “She was in my class too. I remember my father pointing her out to me on our first day of school, telling me her father was such a good singer that every bird would fall silent. Katniss sang a lot in school, the music teacher loved her, she had a beautiful voice. It was really mesmerizing.”  
I fall silent and close my eyes, conjuring up that memory of Katniss singing in school. “I knew I loved her then.” I whisper.  
“Because of her singing?” Dr. Aurelius asks.  
“Yes… but not just that. I don’t know how to explain it, but the girl really has something. The effect she has on people is really magnetic. I always felt that, that effect. I was too shy to talk to her, she was a bit intimidating, not in a bad way though. She was beautiful, amazing.”  
Dr. Aurelius writes down my words. In the next hour we talk about Katniss. How she came to the bakery with her father, to trade. How I gave her the bread after he died. And a little after that, she came to the bakery to trade again. Alone or with Gale. I tell the doctor about my jealousy towards Gale. About how Katniss shoots every squirrel in the eye.  
At the end of the morning, Dr. Aurelius checks out his notes and says, “Good, good. I think we’ve arrived at the reaping now. We made a lot of progress in just a week. But the hard work is yet to begin. We’re not going start with that now though. Tomorrow is Snow’s execution and your presence is required, as you know. So just relax for the remainder of today, do some more physiotherapy for your back. Don’t try to worry too much about tomorrow, it’s going to be a stressful day, with the execution and all, but try not to let it get to you.”

The next day an attendant enters the room to help me get ready for the execution and the meeting I have to be at, which starts at noon. The physical therapy of the last week made it possible for me to dress myself in the dark grey rebel uniform that was issued to me. I’m also able again to walk properly with the new prosthetic they gave me a couple of days ago, so no wheelchair is needed. The attendant orders a car from the hospital to the President’s Mansion and once we’re there she leads me to a conference room. There’s a large table with several seats. Johanna and Enobaria occupy two of them and I go to sit next to Johanna. They both look spitting mad and I wonder if I’d come a little later, would I have found them trying to kill each other off?  
“Why are we here?” I ask Johanna. She shrugs, “No idea.”  
The door opens again and Haymitch enters together with Beetee and Annie. I haven’t seen Beetee and Annie since such a long time. Beetee, I can’t even remember when I’ve seen him last. And Annie, I saw her in the dining hall in Thirteen before I left for the Capitol. That was the last time, I think. It’s especially hard to look at Annie’s face, the grief of Finnick’s loss written all over it.  
“What’s going on?” Johanna asks the newcomers.  
Annie shakes her head, defeated and not caring. Haymitch just scowls and slumps down in a chair. He looks even more tired than usual.  
It’s Beetee who answers Johanna’s question, “No one told us, but seeing the people present in this room, it must have something to do with the Games, seeing we’re all victors.”  
“Then where’s Katniss?” Johanna asks.  
Just when Beetee’s about to answer Katniss walks in, suited up in her Mockingjay uniform, carrying a glass of water with a white rose in it and in her other hand her bow. Seeing her like this after such a long time comes as a shock to me. She’s thin and covered with burn scars, but her prep-team obviously did their best with hiding that. Still, she’s not looking particularly well.  
She surveys the room, as surprised as we all are.  
“What's this?” she asks to no one in particular.  
“We're not sure,” Haymitch answers. “It appears to be a gathering of the remaining victors.”  
“We're all that's left?” Katniss asks.  
“The price of celebrity,” says Beetee. “We were targeted from both sides. The Capitol killed the victors they suspected of being rebels. The rebels killed those thought to be allied with the Capitol.”  
Johanna, next to me gives Enobaria another vile look. “So what's she doing here?”  
Behind Katniss appears President Coin, “She is protected under what we call the Mockingjay Deal.  
Wherein Katniss Everdeen agreed to support the rebels in exchange for captured victors' immunity. Katniss has upheld her side of the bargain, and so shall we.”  
Is that so? Did Katniss ask for our immunity? I’ve never heard this before and it confuses me. Why would she ask for that? To protect us?  
I see Enobaria smile a triumphant smile to Johanna. “Don't look so smug,” says Johanna. “We'll kill you anyway.”  
“Sit down, please, Katniss,” says Coin as she closes the door and takes a seat at the head of the table.

Katniss places herself between Annie and Beetee, exactly across the table from me. She places the glass with the rose on the table and I can’t help staring at her fingers around the glass. The scars on them remind me of how I look too. Burned, mutilated. It makes me feel self-conscious. Especially because I have no idea about Katniss’s feelings for me.  
I remember Gale told me she loved me. But I’m not sure about that. And now that she lost her sister, is there even room in her heart for love? Or has everything turned to grief and pain? Is she like a shadow of a woman, homeless like the wind? Homeless, like I am.  
Coin starts explaining to us why we’re here. “I've asked you here to settle a debate. Today we will execute Snow. In the previous weeks, hundreds of his accomplices in the oppression of Panem have been tried and now await their own deaths. However, the suffering in the districts has been so extreme that these measures appear insufficient to the victims. In fact, many are calling for a complete annihilation of those who held Capitol citizenship. However, in the interest of maintaining a sustainable population, we cannot afford this.”  
I’m not really listening to what she’s saying, too occupied with thoughts about the girl in front of me. I told the doctor how intimidating she was to me, dauntless, amazing. I don’t know how to approach her now. It’s like we’re back to where we were in the beginning. With no reaping, no Games, and me too shy to even look at her. So when I notice her staring, I meet her eyes for a second but then I cast down my eyes, looking at a small crack in the wood of the table.  
“So, an alternative has been placed on the table. Since my colleagues and I can come to no consensus, it has been agreed that we will let the victors decide. A majority of four will approve the plan. No one may abstain from the vote,” Coin continues talking and suddenly I’m hearing the absurdity of her words. “What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power.”  
We all stare at her, dumbfounded. “What?” says Johanna.  
“We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children,” says Coin.  
“Are you joking?” I ask, because I can’t believe she actually means this.  
“No. I should also tell you that if we do hold the Games, it will be known it was done with your approval, although the individual breakdown of your votes will be kept secret for your own security,” Coin adds.  
“Was this Plutarch's idea?” asks Haymitch.  
“It was mine,” says Coin. “It seemed to balance the need for vengeance with the least loss of life. You may cast your votes.”

She is crazy. How have I not realized this before? The woman is insane, first by sending me to the Capitol, but now again suggesting another Hunger Games.  
“No!” I burst out. “I vote no, of course! We can't have another Hunger Games!”  
“Why not?” Johanna replies angrily. “It seems very fair to me. Snow even has a granddaughter. I vote yes.”  
“So do I,” says Enobaria, her voice sounds empty and uncaring, “Let them have a taste of their own medicine.”  
“This is why we rebelled! Remember?” I look at the others, who’ve remained silent. Surely they won’t agree to this. “Annie?” I ask.  
“I vote no with Peeta,” she says. “So would Finnick if he were here.”  
“But he isn't, because Snow's mutts killed him,” Johanna retorts. I give her an angry look but she doesn’t react.  
“No,” says Beetee. “It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point, unity is essential for our survival. No.”  
“We're down to Katniss and Haymitch,” says Coin.

Haymitch scowls, remains silent and looks at Katniss. The crease in his forehead deepens, as if he’s trying to solve a difficult problem.  
Katniss takes her time too, but when her answer comes she breaks my heart with it. “I vote yes...for Prim.”  
“Haymitch, it's up to you,” says Coin.  
“Haymitch!” I yell at him, “You can’t vote yes, you can’t! Think of the massacre, these children are innocent! And you’ll be the one responsible for their deaths.”  
But I feel that it’s no use. My words don’t reach him. Instead he keeps staring at Katniss, putting two and two together. And I know there’s something going on between them like there always was. Something I wasn’t a part of. Because in the end they are the same, Haymitch and Katniss. Dauntless, reckless and courageous.  
I see in his eyes that he’s reached a conclusion.  
“I'm with the Mockingjay,” Haymitch says and with that our fates are sealed.  
“Excellent. That carries the vote,” says Coin. “Now we really must take our places for the execution.”  
She gets up from the table and walks in the direction of the door. Katniss takes the glass with the rose and holds it out to her. “Can you see that Snow's wearing this? Just over his heart?”  
Coin takes the glass from her. “Of course. And I'll make sure he knows about the Games.”  
“Thank you,” Katniss answers.

A couple of attendants enter and lead me away together with the others, except for Katniss. We’re to stand on a terrace, only a few feet away from the place from where Katniss will shoot Snow.  
While the City Circle gets filled with the audience I’m still thinking about what just happened in that room. There will be another Hunger Games. I just don’t understand. Are we not able to learn from our mistakes? Will history keep repeating itself? Infinitely. Is this it then, what we did it for? All these people dead, for nothing. An endless list. My parents, my brothers, Nick, Finnick, Prim, Portia, Sensa, Morna, Josius, Cinna, Rue, Marly. And the list goes on and on. Everyone dead for nothing. We have achieved nothing. History teaches us nothing.  
And why? Can I ever stop asking why? I remember my dad telling me we can’t answer all the questions the universe gives us. This question sure doesn’t have an answer. That’s what I know now. I feel so defeated. Like there is nothing worth living for in this life anymore. And I suddenly, furiously hate Katniss for not killing me when she had the chance. For not releasing that arrow she aimed at my head in the sewer. Because I know that dead right now is better than living. It is the easy way out.  
And what is wrong with that? With me wanting something easy for a change. Don’t I deserve that after all I’ve been through? But then I realize that I can’t take the easy way out, I don’t even want that. Because it means I’d have to admit that I’ve lost hope. And I can’t admit that. I want to find something that makes life worthwhile again. And I might not find it straight away. Not today, not tomorrow, it may take me weeks, months, years even. But I won’t give up. Won’t admit that I have lost this fight. We still have a chance. If we just give up on the bigger picture and focus on our own little infinity. I might find something that makes my life worthwhile again. 

Katniss appears on the stage. When I look at her I feel the anger at her voting yes for the Games. Why did she do that? What was all that about? I’m frustrated, feeling disappointed by her decision. And abandoned too. She was supposed to be on my side, against killing innocent children. I don’t understand her reasoning. She did it for Prim, that’s what she said. But what does she mean with that? Is there something more behind those words? Her exchange with Haymitch was strange, her request to Coin too. I’m suddenly reminded by her remark that day in the Capitol, when we were on the run and everybody thought we died. Then Coin gave her eulogy and Katniss said that she didn’t know she meant so much to her. There was so much irony in that remark. I have a feeling it all has to do with this moment of voting yes, although I haven’t connected the dots yet. 

I didn’t expect to find the answer to these questions so soon. Because when Snow appears and Katniss aims her arrow, I see it happening. She raises the bow. Then shifts her arrow upwards and releases the string.  
And President Coin collapses over the side of the balcony and plunges to the ground. Dead.


	20. The trial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss has killed Coin and is held prison in her own old room in the Training Center. There's mayhem as the country is in pandemonium. And Peeta discovers something important considering Prim's death.  
> There's a trial. Will Katniss be acquitted from her crimes? And if so, what will happen to her, and to them...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with the first part of chapter 27 from Mockingjay
> 
> Disclaimer: not owning MJ

“Not Like The Other Girls”  
\- The Rasmus

'No more blame I am destined to keep you sane  
Gotta rescue the flame  
Gotta rescue the flame in your heart

No more blood, I will be there for you my love  
I will stand by your side  
The world has forsaken my girl

I should have seen it would be this way  
I should have known from the start what she's up to  
When you have loved and you've lost someone  
You know what it feels like to lose

She's fading away  
Away from this world  
Drifting like a feather  
She's not like the other girls  
She lives in the clouds  
She talks to the birds  
Hopeless little one  
She's not like the other girls I know

No more shame, she has felt too much pain, in her life  
In her mind she's repeating the words  
All the love you put out will return to you' 

In the stunned reaction that follows, I gaze at Katniss standing in front of me. The empty bow in her hand, her eyes fixed on President Snow. And Snow laughs, like a sick, dying man, coughing up blood, collapsing in on himself.  
I don’t care about him or the way he dies, instead my head is swirling with questions. I’m trying to find out what just happened. Think, I order myself, because something inside me tells me I won’t have much time to reach a conclusion.  
The guards who stand everywhere, start approaching Katniss, sure to arrest her, although no one gave them the order to do so. There’s turmoil in the crowd as well, I’m guessing it won’t take long before everything turns into complete chaos. An immense feeling of panic takes a hold of me as I see Katniss whispering something to the bow and raise her left arm. In a split second I understand her intention and I know I have to act fast. Silently I thank the people who deemed it necessary that the victors should stand in the front row, to witness Snow’s death sentence being executed. Without wasting another moment I leap forward over the small rope that closes off our section. Katniss stretches her neck and is about to rip off the nightlock pill that’s hidden in her sleeve. But I’m faster than she is and slam my hand on her shoulder. Her teeth sink into my skin, causing it to bleed instantly. She lifts her head in surprise and looks into my eyes. Fear and anger show on her face.

“Let me go!” she roars, and she tries to free her arm, but my hold on her is too strong and I don’t intend to budge.  
“I can’t,” I tell her and at this moment I feel the truth of these words myself. I’m destined to rescue the flame in her heart, no matter what happens and what the future holds for us. I might not understand her motives completely, I might have hated her just a minute ago. But I won’t let her die. Because this is what we do, this is what she told me and what I know to be true. We protect each other.  
A guard pushes me away from her, but my fingers are still gripping her suit so tightly that it tears, leaving me with a fistful of black fabric. The nightlock pill falls on the ground and gets crushed under a boot. The guards descend on Katniss now and she starts thrashing and kicking, trying to get away from them. I want to shout at them to leave her alone as the tears streak my face. But Haymitch is next to me now and places a hand on my shoulder. His hold on me so strong that I can’t move forward.  
“You can’t do anything for her now,” Haymitch says, “But don’t worry, Peeta. We still have a deal, remember, to keep her alive. You did your part and I will do mine.”  
“I did my part?” I ask him, “I tried to kill her!”  
“I’m not talking about that,” Haymitch says and he points to the black fabric that’s still in my balled up fist. “I’m talking about now. We’ll keep her safe.”

In the meantime the chaos has started. People are everywhere, screaming, pushing. Haymitch hauls me back into the roped off area. Katniss is lifted up by the guards and she’s screaming for Gale. Gale’s last words to me resonate in my head. “And I’ll have Katniss, she won’t give them the pleasure of taking me alive.”  
With this memory I know what she wants him to do. “He can’t kill her,” I shout to Haymitch and I turn around, searching the crowd frantically with my eyes, trying to catch a glimpse of him. There are so many people that I can’t find him. I’m anxiously waiting for the arrow or a bullet. But nothing happens. No one raises a bow. Katniss is carried inside the Mansion and out of sight. Safe from Gale and her own suicide attempts. With that realization the energy seeps out of me and I crumble to the ground, bury my face in my hands and start crying uncontrollably.  
Annie kneels down next to me and starts stroking my hair, whispering soothing words, “It’s going to be okay, Peeta. Shh,” she says softly. She takes me in her arms and I cry on her shoulder, for the first time in so long feeling like the child I actually still am.  
“You really love her, don’t you?” Annie whispers. I don’t know what to answer to that, so I just hide my face in her dark grey uniform, wetting it with my tears.  
Effie appears on my other side and takes my hand in hers. “Haymitch is off to talk to Plutarch about her,” she tells me, “They’ll make sure she’ll be alright. In the meantime you should go back to the hospital. It’s mayhem out here.”  
“I don’t want to go to the hospital,” I say through my tears.  
“I know, but it’s best for you, sweetie,” Annie says.  
“Come, we have to get away from the City Circle.” Effie urges, “I’ll order a car to bring you to the hospital.”  
Annie helps me get up and says she’ll come with me. Together we wind our way through the people. It’s pandemonium out here but after a lot of pushing and shouting, we make it to the corner of the main avenue. It’s a little quieter here. Effie makes us stop while she calls a car. Exhausted I lean against a flagpole, while Annie looks at the roaring crowd. That’s when I see him. His face is grim, he’s holding his bow in his hand. He had it with him then, he could have shot her, but he didn’t. He’s striding with long steps into our direction, but he doesn’t see me. “Gale,” I call as he passes about three yards away from me. He turns and sees me. For a second I think he’ll just ignore me and continue walking, but after a moment of hesitation he comes towards me.  
“Peeta,” he says.  
“Why didn’t you shoot her when she asked you too?” I ask, not wanting to waste any words on cursory issues.  
“Why should I?” he says and I’m surprised at the coldness in his voice.  
“Didn’t you have a deal?” I reply, “To kill one another? You said she wouldn’t give them the pleasure of catching you alive. I thought that was a two way street.”  
“Yeah, but that was before she killed Coin and I created that bomb that killed her sister,” he replies.  
My mouth falls open at his remark. “You what?” I ask.  
“I’m not going to have a conversation with you about that in the middle of the street.” Gale says, “Ask Beetee, he can explain to you what I’m talking about.”  
He’s about to walk away when I grab his arm. “What about Katniss? What are you going to do?”  
“What about her? ” he says, “I’m going back to Two, continue my job there. Take care, Peeta.” He hesitates before he adds, “And take care of her. She loves you, you know.”  
With that he pulls his arm away from my grasp and disappears in the crowd.

Effie comes to get us and helps us into a car with blackened windows. It takes the car only minutes to drop us off at the hospital. Annie walks with me to my room and asks if I’m going to be okay.  
“Not before I know what will happen to her,” I say.  
“I understand,” she says, “But I don’t think anybody knows what will happen. At least not now. So maybe you should just eat something and get some sleep and I’m sure tomorrow will hold some news for us.”  
Together we eat some soup, I have to force myself to swallow it, but Annie sees to it that I finish the entire bowl. Then she leads me to the bed and tucks me in like I’m a child. She presses a kiss on my forehead. “Go to sleep, Peeta,” she tells me softly before she leaves the room.  
Of course sleep is out of the question. I’m worried about what will happen to Katniss, but the main cause of my insomnia is Gale’s remark about the bomb. After a few hours of lying awake I give in and reach for the phone on the nightstand. It rings a few times but finally gets answered, “Beetee Latier,” says a voice.  
“Beetee, it’s Peeta.” I say.  
“Oh, hello Peeta. Good of you to call.” Beetee says, “How are you after all that happened today? None of us expected this to happen, did we?” He seems awfully calm about all of this, but I don’t want to talk about it, instead I go straight to the point.  
“No, I know, I have to ask you something,” I say hastily, “Something important.”  
“Sure,” he says, “What is it?”  
I hesitate, thinking about the possibility that the phone might be bugged and I want this conversation to be private. “Can I come over tomorrow?” I ask, “So we can talk.”  
“Of course,” Beetee says, “You’re more than welcome to come.”

The tea has gone cold, because we both forgot to drink it. The cookies still lie untouched on the plate. Beetee’s telling me about his hours with Gale in Special Defense back in District Thirteen. And how this parachute bomb is something they invented.  
“So, the bomb came from Thirteen,” I state.  
“So it seems,” Beetee says, “I know some of Plutarch’s ideas involved parachutes. I wasn’t present when the call was made, but all the evidence points to it.”  
“But Prim, and those other medics. And all these innocent children.” I fall silent as the truth sinks in and it doesn’t take me long before I reach another conclusion. I should have seen it would be this way. I should have known from the start what she's up to. Because this is what you do when you’re desperate. When you have loved and you've lost someone. I know what it feels like to lose, I know how she felt. “Katniss knew. She knew this bomb came from Thirteen. That’s why she killed Coin.”  
“That’s probably also the reason why she and Haymitch voted yes,” says Beetee.  
“What do you mean? What does that have to do with it?” I ask.  
“Think about it, Peeta.” Beetee says patiently, “Coin didn’t like Katniss, she wanted you to be the one they saved from the Arena. She wanted her out of the way. She didn’t trust her, saw her as a threat to her own power. She wasn’t happy when Katniss asked for your immunity. And after you were rescued you were in no condition to be sent to the Capitol, but she sent you anyway, as a weapon. She just didn’t expect you would fight back so hard. Coin thought that what with the hijacking and all you’d kill her for sure. Now that had failed and all she had left to destroy Katniss with was her sister. So she killed her.”  
It’s a lot of information to take in. Coin wanting Katniss out of the way. Sending me to the Capitol to kill her. It does explain why I was sent there. But it doesn’t explain Katniss’s vote, not to me anyway. “I still don’t see what that has to do with the new Games and the voting.” I say  
“Katniss voted yes to lure her. To let her think she was on her side. For Prim. Those where her exact words. And she knew Coin killed Prim.” Beetee explains, “So she told her yes, to throw her of track, and killed her after that.”  
“Because Coin is no improvement over Snow,” I say silently.  
Beetee nods and takes a sip of the cold tea. “She’s really something, isn’t she,” he muses, “Nothing like other girls.”  
“That’s something I’ve known my entire life,” I say.  
“I can believe that,” he smiles at me, “No amount of hijacking could make you forget how extraordinary she is.”

It takes six more days before Haymitch finally comes to the hospital to give me an update on Katniss. She’s locked in her old room in the Training Center. They don’t know what to do with her. The whole country is in pandemonium now that there’s no president to lead them.  
“Plutarch is busy with organizing elections. We’re going to vote who the next president will be.” Haymitch tells me, “That needs to be done first. After that, there will be a trial. But don’t worry, Peeta, we’ve already talked it through, and we’re going with an Insanity Defense.”  
“How will that work?” I ask.  
“We’re going to convince the judges that she’s mentally unstable and can’t be held accountable for her deeds.” Haymitch explains, “If they grant us that, she’ll be acquitted.”  
“Are you sure?” I find it a little hard to believe.  
Haymitch puts his face in his hands and nods. “They’ll put her under someone’s custody. That’s probably going to be me.”  
“Why you, what about her mother?” I ask.  
“Her mother isn’t doing well enough. As a matter of fact, she’s leaving the Capitol by the end of this week. She’s going to District Four with Annie.”  
“She’s just going to leave Katniss alone? What kind of mother does that?” I say, appalled.  
“The broken kind,” Haymitch answers.  
We’re quiet for a while. Me drinking tea while Haymitch takes a swig from his bottle. After all the sobriety in Thirteen, alcohol found him again. After a while I tell him what Beetee told me about Katniss’s vote.  
“You knew, didn’t you?” I say, “I saw you two exchange that look. There’s been something between you ever since those first Games. You understand her like no one does.”  
“I understand her at some levels.” Haymitch says, “And you’re right, this is one of them. I wanted to let her know I got it. That’s why I said what I said.”  
“I’m with the Mockingjay,” I repeat his words. “On her side, the side of the rebellion that existed because it wanted the Games to end. Not to start new ones.”  
“Exactly that,” Haymitch grumbles, “You’re getting there, boy.”  
“I want to see her, Haymitch, do you think that’s possible?” I ask.  
He shakes his head. “Don’t think so.”  
“Don’t you think I’ve earned some privileges?” I ask, “Can you at least ask someone who’s in charge? No forget it. She’s in the Training Center, right? I’ll go there myself.”  
“Don’t be stupid,” Haymitch says.  
“I’ll decide that for myself, okay,” I say, agitated, “I want to see her.”  
“Okay, okay,” he says, waving his arms, “But don’t go alone. I’ll go with you tomorrow.”  
“Fine.” I answer while I drain the cup.

It’s as if our roles are reversed. Me behind the one sided glass while she’s lying on a bed. Only there are no restraints, no beeping machines. Just a small girl in a paper gown on a stripped mattress. She looks so broken. Forsaken by the world. Cast aside after she did what they forced her to do. And now she's fading away. Drifting like a feather. Looking so hopeless, so helpless. It’s too much, all the pain in her life. Too much to keep her sane.  
But then, suddenly she sits up and begins to sing. Soft and sweet. 

All the love you put out will return to you 

I stare at her through the glass while the tears sting my eyes. Her voice falters but then she picks it up again. Another song, another tune.  
“She started singing yesterday,” a guard tells me, “Out of the blue. And she hasn’t stopped since.”

In the following weeks I’m allowed to visit her. Always stuck behind the one sided glass, I can’t come into the room, can’t talk to her. But I listen to her sing. Her voice is like magic, healing my wounds, filling up gaps in my memory. Making me cry, but they are tears of healing.  
The election comes. A woman called Paylor becomes the new president of Panem. I’m not allowed to vote. The new voting law says you’re supposed to be at least eighteen before you can take part in the election. I’m finally treated like a child again, and I like it. Except that I’m not allowed to leave the hospital because I can’t live alone.  
“Why not?” I ask the doctor, “I lived alone before. Between my Games, a whole year on my own.”  
“I know Peeta,” Dr. Aurelius says, “But there are new laws now. And you have no guardian.”  
“I’m going to find one,” I say. And I do. Beetee agrees to take me in. He lives in an apartment in the Capitol. It’s temporary, and he also has his house in District Three. As it is now, he agrees to wait until my eighteenth birthday in March, only a couple of months away, to move back permanently. Now he’s travelling back and forth every week.  
It’s nice to live in a house again, although it’s weird that it’s in the Capitol. I’d like to go back to Twelve but there’s no way they’re letting me go. Dr. Aurelius continues his treatment with me and apart from that I’m enrolled into a therapy where I use my creativity to recollect my memory and deal with the aftershock of the hijacking. I have to finish the program and turn eighteen before they’ll even consider sending me home. As long as Katniss is still here and held captive, I don’t mind it that much.  
Because of the creative therapy I start painting again. The effect the hijacking still has on me consists of nightmares and flashbacks. These flashbacks hit me a couple of times a day, but their numbers are dwindling. Painting helps, listening to Katniss sing helps as well.

Days turn into weeks as the country starts recuperating. Districts are being rebuilt. The streets of the Capitol are being cleaned. There’s word that people from Twelve have returned from Thirteen, trying to make the place liveable again. We’re on the road to recovery.  
Then finally the day arrives that Haymitch gives me a call. If I want to be present at the trial tomorrow? Of course I want that.  
Haymitch picks me up at ten, Effie is there as well. Together, the three of us go to the Hall of Justice, where all trials are held. I’m not surprised to see Dr. Aurelius there too. He’s Katniss’s main witness when it comes to the Insanity Defense.  
The judge seems fairly rational. Looking stern and clothed in a tight black suit. I can’t tell if she’s from the Capitol or from one of the districts. She lists the crimes for which Katniss is held responsible.  
“The suspect, Ms. Katniss Everdeen has been charged with murder in the first degree by deliberately killing Ms. Alma Coin.  
The suspect, Ms. Katniss Everdeen has been charged with murder in the second degree by killing Ms. Alma Coin.”  
“What’s the difference?” Haymitch mutters under his breath.  
“A first degree murder is deliberate,” Effie answers seriously.  
Katniss’s attorney tells the judge that she’s not guilty and names his witnesses. Dr. Marcellus Aurelius, Mr. Plutarch Heavensbee, Mr. Haymitch Abernathy, Mrs. Emely Everdeen.  
“Mrs. Everdeen has been notified but isn’t able to come. She has written a letter which I would like to read to the court,” says the attorney.  
In the letter Katniss’s mother tells us about Katniss’s catatonic state after Prim’s death. Her inability to speak, her habit of crawling away into small spaces to hide. In solemn words she explains how Prim was everything for Katniss. How she was the one who kept her going. Katniss was buried in her grief and she lost her sanity because of it.

In the following days we listen to statement after statement, all saying the same thing. She’s a crazy little girl. Didn’t know what she was doing. Dr. Aurelius uses the words ‘shell shocked lunatic.’ Katniss herself isn’t present at the trial, she isn’t deemed fit. This proves what all the witnesses already try to tell. It worries me a little, though. The state she’s in. I’m thinking Dr. Aurelius might be right about Katniss’s state of mind.  
The streets are buzzing with excitement over the trial, because it’s televised live. Everyone has an opinion. Some people think she’s perfectly sane and guilty. Others feel pity for her. I withhold myself from giving any comments on it although plenty of people ask me what I think. Instead I listen to the testimonies and paint my feelings and thoughts on canvas.  
The day of the verdict comes and I find myself biting my nails off. Effie, who sits next to me in the bench, tells me it’ll be alright. “The judge will rule ‘not guilty,’ I’m sure about it,” she says. “Let’s stay positive.”  
And she’s right. The judge acquits Katniss Everdeen from all the alleged crimes, based on her mental state.  
“Ms. Everdeen will have to stay under the supervision of her doctor, Dr. Marcellus Aurelius. Furthermore she’s confined to her own District for an indefinite period and to be placed there immediately. Haymitch Abernathy is instructed to accompany her. He’s assigned as her guardian as long as she’s a juvenile, that is until the eight of May in this year. This is the verdict of the country of Panem.”  
I’m relieved that she’s found not guilty, but I feel upset at the same time. She’s leaving and I’m not allowed to go with her. I’m here to stay until the twenty first of March, my birthday. Which is more than a month away. 

When the trial is over Haymitch gets up and gives me an awkward hug. “I have to go boy, but I’ll see you soon back in Twelve. Okay?”  
“Okay,” I answer, subdued, “Take care of her Haymitch. Don’t drink too much, she needs you.”  
He shakes his head at that and says, “I doubt it.”


	21. Return to Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katniss is back in Twelve but Peeta has to wait a while longer. He needs to finish his therapy and by the new law of Panem has to wait until he's eighteen before he can go back home. And then, what will await him there? Is Katniss really that shell shocked lunatic as Dr. Aurelius described her? Does she even want him back in her life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with the second part of chapter 27 from Mockingjay
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own MJ

"After The Storm"  
\- Mumford and Sons

'And after the storm,  
I run and run as the rains come  
And I look up, I look up,  
on my knees and out of luck,  
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day  
You must know life to see decay  
But I won't rot, I won't rot  
Not this mind and not this heart,  
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand  
And we stood tall,  
And remembered our own land,  
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.  
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.  
Get over your hill and see what you find there,  
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew  
I saw exactly what was true  
But oh no more.  
That's why I hold,  
That's why I hold with all I have.  
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.  
Well I guess I'll just go home,  
Oh God knows where.  
Because death is just so full and man so small.  
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.  
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.  
Get over your hill and see what you find there,  
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.'

I am unable to move from the chair. The flashback was so much worse this time. Antonius held a belt in his hand and hit me with it. The pain felt so real, I swear I still feel it on my back. Which maybe isn’t that weird, since my back is still not completely healed from the fire. But at this moment it feels like it’s burning again. So I sit still as a statue until the phone rings. It takes a while before the ringing gets me out of my catatonic state and I answer it quickly. Dr. Aurelius is on the other side of the line, asking me how I’ve been holding up. I tell him about the flashback and how they’ve increased since Katniss left.  
“I want to go home, doctor,” I tell him, “I’m worried about her. And I’m restless here. I want to see Twelve, it’s going to be hard but I’m ready for it. And I need to go there to mourn my family.”  
“I know that, Peeta, and you will go home, but not yet,” he says, “Be patient.”  
It’s been a week since Katniss left and I feel homeless. I feel like someone ripped my heart out and left me living without it. The doctor told me to find my own reasons for life, without her. But I can’t. She’s always with me, in my dreams, in my waking, in my paintings, in my thoughts.  
I’m feeling anxious most of the time since she left. Afraid that she’ll kill herself back in Twelve. Sure, Haymitch is there to take care of her, but I doubt he really will do that. I tried calling him a couple of times but he doesn’t answer his phone. So there’s nothing much left for me to do but worry and think about her.  
The thing that comes back to me the most are her eyes. Shining silver, I see them every night. The soft glow in them telling me she loves me, and I start to believe it again. I used to think she used me, and that she didn’t care. But I was wrong. She did. Her eyes tell me what her lips don’t say.  
What worries me is that I don’t know if she still loves me. What if Prim’s death left her too broken to care anymore? And I haven’t even talked to her since we said goodbye at Tigris’s house. So how can I know what she feels for me now?

Two weeks later a letter arrives from District Four, from Annie. She writes about the rebuilding of the district. How she’s helping Mrs. Everdeen in the hospital. But the next paragraph really comes as a surprise.

I wasn’t feeling well the last few weeks and Emely insisted on examining me. She found out I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant, Peeta. With Finnick’s child. At first I panicked, thinking how much I need him to be here with me. I can’t do this alone. But I’m not alone. There are a lot of friendly people here to help me. And I’m happy now. Happy because I have a piece of him. And it’s growing inside of me.

Annie and Finnick will have a baby. The idea makes me sad and happy at the same time.  
I’ve tried picking up the phone to call Katniss a few times over the past weeks but I was always afraid to do so. What would she say, what would I say when she answered? But with this news I finally find the courage to call her. To tell her about this. So I dial her number and the phone rings, and rings, and rings. No one answers. I feel the panic rise up in me. What if something happened to her?  
Later that same day I receive an unexpected call from Greasy Sae. She tells me she called Dr. Aurelius about Katniss and he asked her to give me an update. “I just want to let you know she’s still alive,” Greasy Sae tells me, “She’s not doing much. She just sits in her chair and stares off in the distance. I’m making her eat something twice a day. But she’s not talking, not giving me a response. It seems to me that she’s waiting for something.”  
“Waiting? For what?” I ask.  
“I don’t know, she doesn’t speak.” Greasy Say is silent for a while and then adds, “Maybe it’s you she’s waiting for.”  
Maybe it’s me.

Dr. Aurelius examines the painting. Katniss appears out of the silver mist. Her eyes shining in the exact same color. I’ve painted something like this before, after our first Games.  
“It’s beautiful,” the doctor comments. “You’ve come so far in such a short time, it’s more than we could have hoped for! And you know how to handle your flashbacks. It seems to me that you’re really back to your usual self.”  
He looks to the painting again and from it to me. “Her eyes really speak. But what assures me most are your own eyes. They’re clear again. And your blood is clean too, there’s no venom left. Now, there are still things unclear. Your memory hasn’t fully returned to you. But that’s something you can live with. And maybe it will get better when you return to Twelve.”  
“So you’re letting me go?” I ask.  
“Yes. I think you’re ready. It’s your birthday tomorrow. So tomorrow you can go,” he smiles and gives me a hand. “But make sure to call in every week. And when you see Katniss, tell her to answer the phone, okay. I can’t keep pretending to treat her forever.”  
I smile back at him and squeeze his hand. “Thank you, doctor. For everything.”

My last afternoon in the Capitol I spend with Tigris, after I’ve picked up the ring at the goldsmith. It was Effie’s idea. “The pearl is so small, it needs to be set in jewellery. In that way it can be put to use and you won’t lose it as easily.”  
“Do you think she even wants it?” I had asked, uncertain.  
Effie’s eyes where shining with tears at that and she grasped both my hands. “Of course.”  
I don’t really see Katniss as a girl who’s into jewels, but this one does have a significance. Maybe this one she would appreciate. I had something engraved in it as well.

Coal Pressed Into Pearls

Tigris and I eat together and talk about the changes in the Capitol with the new government and the new rules. “It’s an improvement,” she tells me, “Of course, everything would be an improvement on Snow, but I already feel it. Somehow the people are nicer.”  
“I know, I feel it too,” I say.  
“So, you’re going back to Twelve?” Tigris asks, “Know what to do with her yet?”  
I smile, “Of course not, I have no idea. I don’t even know if she appreciates me coming back.”  
“What will you do?” Tigris says, while she cleans off the table.  
“I don’t know, Dr. Aurelius tells me to take each day at the time. I guess I’ll see when I get there.” I play with the little box in my hand.  
“And you’ll give that to her?” Tigris points at the box.  
“Maybe.” I say. “If she wants it.”

Effie takes me to the train station early in the morning on my eighteenth birthday. I have a big suitcase with me, filled with paint supplies, some clothes and the little black box tugged in a corner. Apart from the suitcase I have a big crate that contains canvasses with me. Some of them are already painted, they’re the paintings I made in the Capitol. Most of the canvasses are empty, waiting for me to bring them to life, to color them in.  
“The train will arrive early in the morning,” Effie says, “It will probably still be dark out, but I’ve ordered a car to pick you up and bring you back to the Victor’s Village.”  
“Thank you, Effie,” I say and I give her a hug. “Come visit us some day?”  
She nods and wipes the tears from her eyes. “I will, some day.”  
The train pulls away from the station and I watch the Capitol disappear in the distance. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I remember my own land, and what I lived for there. Painting, baking. Dreaming precious pearls and Everdeen. I don’t know what the future holds, but I believe there will come a time with no more tears. And there’s something left that’s worth living for.

It’s chilly when the train arrives in Twelve, early in the morning of the next day. The car is there at the train station, as promised, and only ten minutes later I’m standing in front of my own house again. In the Victor’s Village. All the other windows are dark, including Katniss’s, although I can see a soft glow from a dying fire coming from the kitchen window. They’re all asleep, I’m sure. I enter my house and slump down on my couch. For a moment I feel utterly alone and don’t know what to do. I’m too restless to just sit here and wait for everybody to wake up. So I get up and walk out of the house. Pacing around on the grass in front of our houses. In the dim light of the few lanterns I make out the empty border in front of Katniss’s house. It used to be filled with flowers. Prim tended to them, made sure they’d bloom. But no one has been there to tend them in such a long time, they must have died and been taken away. Leaving the border black and empty. Hopeless. 

This needs to change. There are too many lives lost, too much pain, too much bloodshed. We can’t just sit here and lose hope. Then all would’ve been in vain. This can’t be it, it can’t end in hopelessness like this. When I think of Prim, I’m thinking how much she would want us to move on, to make something out of life. She would’ve done that too. Sure we can cry and feel the pain because of the gap she left in our lives, but we cannot remain paralyzed by our pain.  
I walk to the shed behind the houses and take out the wheelbarrow and a shovel. The forest next to the Victor’s Village still has a fence around it, but there’s a gate in it now, I go through it to head into the woods. I lever the wheelbarrow through the trees until I’ve found what I was searching for. The first streaks of dawn give me just enough light to see and I start digging them up. Five bushes of evening primrose. I place them in the wheelbarrow and go back to Katniss’s house. By the time I get there the sun is up and shining. With the shovel I start digging in the border at the side of the house, to plant the primrose. 

The front door of the house opens and the footsteps approach. The next moment she’s standing in front of me. I get up and wipe the sheen of sweat from my forehead and look at her.  
“You're back,” she says.  
“Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday,” I explain my absence, thinking she probably doesn’t even know about this. “By the way, he said to tell you he can't keep pretending he's treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone.”  
She doesn’t look well. So thin, with dark circles under her eyes, they look like bruises. Her hair is matted into clumps, sticking to her forehead. When she tries to tug it behind her ears it falls back. It’s lost its usual shine. Her eyes look wary when she sees me staring at her like this.  
“What are you doing?” she asks.  
“I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her,” I tell her. “I thought we could plant them along the side of the house.”  
Katniss looks at the bushes and then back to me. For a moment I think she’s going to yell at me, but instead she gives me a curt nod and turns away.  
I’m not sure what to think of her appearance, except that it shocked me. She needs to eat better, and sleep better too. I’m going to help Greasy Sae with that, I’m determined to stop her rotting away like this.  
When I continue to dig and plant the bushes I start to doubt. She didn’t look particularly happy to see me, in fact, I really thought she was about to scream at me to leave. I have the frightening feeling that she doesn’t want me here. After an hour or so the bushes are planted but I feel drained.  
I hear footsteps coming down the road and see Greasy Sae approaching. When she sees me she gives me a warm smile. “Hello, Peeta!” she says, “You’re back, welcome. It is good to see you, you look good.”  
“Thank you, yes, I’m glad to be back too.” I say, although I don’t really feel it right now.  
“Do you want to join us for breakfast?” she asks.  
I shake my head, suddenly afraid to see Katniss again and be rejected by her. “No, no, I’m tired. I didn’t sleep much last night.” I say, “Maybe tomorrow?”  
“Okay, tomorrow,” she says, “I think it would be good for her. For both of you.”  
I nod at her, take the wheelbarrow back to the shed and return to my own house. Inside I sink down on the couch and let out a deep sigh. What was I thinking? Coming back here, to Twelve. To the rubble and the ashes and a catatonic Katniss who doesn’t appreciate me. But I still feel we should try to live again. And if we search deep, we can find it. That bond between us, that connects us to each other. That's why I hold on. And I won't die alone and be left there. I will stand and fight, and show her that love will not break our hearts, but dismiss our fears. There will come a time.

I wander around in my house. Clean out my suitcase. Take the canvasses out of the crate. Trying to feel at home again. Through a window I see Katniss leaving her house. Clothed and bathed, she looks a lot better than how she looked this morning. Her bow in hand, she almost looks like her usual self.  
After she’s out of sight I decide to go out and meet Haymitch. I pass Greasy Sae again on my way there. “What did you do to her?” she asks.  
“I didn’t do anything.” I say.  
“Yes you did, she showered, put on clean clothes. She’s out hunting now.” Greasy Sae tells me.  
“But I really didn’t do anything,” I say again, “Except, I planted the primroses.” I point to the bushes on the side of Katniss ‘s house.  
“I told you she was waiting for something,” Greasy Sae says, “I thought it was you, I was right! You return and she starts living again. I’m not blind, Peeta, and I saw you two on that beach on television too, you know.”  
She smiles and walks into the direction of the town square. “I’ll see you at breakfast, tomorrow,” she calls after me.  
The beach. My memory isn’t fully returned. I’ve seen footage of it, but at that time I was still really foggy. But in the sewer I remembered. I’m forcing myself to bring back that memory now, but it remains hidden. I realize how much I need Katniss to trigger these memories for me.  
Tomorrow I’ll try again, to see if Greasy Sae is right. 

“Haymitch!” I pound on his door. There’s no reaction. I open it and enter into the dimly lit hallway. It smells of cabbage and stale bread in here. It’s good that I came back, I think, first thing I will do this afternoon is get supplies to start baking again. They sure need it here, freshly baked bread.  
I find Haymitch in his chair in the kitchen, asleep. An empty liquor bottle on the table, his knife in his hand. I shake his shoulder but he doesn’t wake. Katniss used to throw a pitcher of water over his head. "Look, if you wanted to be babied, you should have asked Peeta."  
The memories of our time here in Twelve are still intact. They didn’t use them for my hijacking because they didn’t know about them. They’re precious to me now, because they’re mine and untouched.  
I slump down in the chair next to Haymitch. Katniss was right, I’m not the sort of person who would throw a pitcher of water in his face. I nudge his shoulder a couple of times and after about half an hour he finally awakes.  
“What,” he says grumpily, sitting up slowly, “what are you -”  
He stops midsentence when he sees me sitting next to him.  
“Hello, Haymitch,” I say, “I’ve seen Katniss today. You’ve been taking good care of her, haven’t you.”  
He scowls at me. “Like she would let me.”  
“Have you even seen her since you two arrived here?” I ask him.  
“Sure,” he slurs, still inebriated, “Sure, every day.”  
“You’re lying.” I state.  
“Well, what does it matter, you’re back now so you can take care of her,” he says.  
“I don’t know if she wants me to, though,” I voice my doubt.  
Haymitch shrugs, “Since when did that stop you?”  
Ouch. That hurts. Because this is exactly what I feel so guilty about. I forced her into a relationship she didn’t want. I created this whole mess that caused the Quell, and the revolution, and my hijacking. And the torture. I feel it coming, the flashback. My hands grip the side of the chair until my knuckles are white. The blood leaves my face as well when Antonius approaches me, he’s dragging Lavinia’s lifeless body with him. “She’s dead because of you!” he screams. I close my eyes and try to conjure up Dr. Aurelius’s words. “It will pass, it’s not real.” I whisper the words.  
Haymitch nudges my shoulder, “Hey, Peeta. What’s wrong?”  
I breathe in and out, count to ten and open my eyes again. I’m in Haymitch’s kitchen. He looks at me with a concerned expression. “What happened?”  
“It was just a flashback,” I tell him, “I get them sometimes. When I’m triggered, or without any reason at all.”  
“Did I trigger you?” Haymitch asks. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sure she wants you to take care of her.”  
“Are you sure of that?” I ask, “Are you really? Because I’m not sure at all.”  
“Just give it some time Peeta, you only came back today.” Haymitch says.

In the afternoon I get a delivery of ingredients so I can start baking again. They came from an emergency storage in town, Haymitch told me not to get them myself but have them deliver it instead. “Don’t go into town just yet,” he said, “It’s too much to take it in now. You only just arrived. Better take things slow.”  
He’s with me in my kitchen now and watches me making dough. “You’re going to make Katniss some cheese buns?” he asks.  
“I can’t,” I tell him, “They didn’t have any cheese. They’re waiting for a shipment from District Ten, it’ll take a couple of days.”  
“Just normal bread, then.” Haymitch says.  
“For now, it’ll have to do.” I reply.  
There’s a sound outside and we both look out of the window. We see a man coming from Katniss’s house, with a cart which he starts wheeling down the street.  
“Who’s that?” I ask Haymitch.  
“I think it’s Thom,” he answers. “Do you remember him? He was there that day they whipped Gale.”  
“I remember,” I say and I continue kneading the bread.  
Haymitch gets up, says he needs to do something. It probably involves drinking liquor, but I don’t comment on it. “I’ll bring you some bread later,” I say, “Tomorrow maybe.”  
I make myself something to eat and sit down at the verandah outside to watch the sun set. It’s almost deadly quiet in Victors Village. Slowly I doze off in the rocking chair I got from my father.

Katniss appears in my dream. Looking small and defeated. Her eyes spill over with tears. “What’s wrong?” I whisper.  
“She’s not here anymore,” she answers. Her crying becomes sobbing and the sobbing becomes screaming. “She’s not coming back! She’s never ever coming back here again! She’s dead.”  
She lets out a wail so painful that it breaks my heart. But I can’t reach her, because as always in my dreams, I’m frozen while she fades away.  
I wake with a start and find myself again on my porch in the Victor’s Village. It was just a dream, I tell myself. Except this time it’s not true. It’s not just a dream. Prim really is dead. And Katniss’s crying hasn’t stopped either.  
With that realization I stand up from the chair and listen intently. There it is, the sound of Katniss crying. Not just crying, it’s more like wailing. And some other sound I can’t define. Before I realize what I’m doing I’m off my porch and down the stairs, running towards her house. The closer I get, the more distinct her crying becomes.  
I come to a halt at her front door. The fear falls upon me like a blanket. She doesn’t want me here, why am I here? What am I doing?  
In the distance I hear Antonius’s voice yelling, “You’re a worthless piece of shit.” My mother appears and smiles a smug smile. “Finally someone else who notices,” she says.  
I crouch down on the stairs at Katniss’s front door and wrap my arms around my legs, making myself as small as possible. Rocking slowly, back and forth. Breathe. Breathe. It’s not real. Finally the voices recede and all that’s left is silence. Gradually I remove my arms from my legs and look up. For a moment I’m disorientated, trying to remember where I am and what I’m doing there. Then I remember Katniss’s cries and I start to feel really worried. All is silent now. Is she dead? Did they come and take her from me? Who are they? What happened? I tell myself sternly to calm down and just open the door. No one was here, no one took her, she probably just fell asleep.  
When I reach the living room my rational self is proved right. Katniss is lying on the ground in front of the couch, a pillow clutched in her arms. Next to her sits Prim’s cat, Buttercup. I realize he was making that sound earlier, the one I couldn’t place. He sees me now but doesn’t react as I gently lift Katniss up in my arms. She’s unconscious, her face streaked with tears. I notice how light she is, it’s like lifting a bag of feathers. I carry her upstairs and Buttercup follows me. On the first floor I walk to her bedroom and lie her down carefully in her bed. I pull the blanket up to her chin and go to sit in the chair next to the bed. The one I used to sit in during that time when she broke her foot.

“It’s okay,” I whisper, as I slowly brush the hair from her forehead. She doesn’t hear me, but I continue to whisper, repeating a song she sang when she was imprisoned. One that really stuck with me because it spoke of hope and better days to come. “There will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”  
Katniss's breathing deepens and her face softens as the nightmares recede and her sleep becomes soundless. She looks so young now, covered in little scars but still so beautiful to me. Buttercup positions himself on the bed. After about an hour of sitting there and stroking her hair, I slowly get up from the chair and kiss her forehead tenderly. “Things will get better, I promise.” I whisper.  
I walk down the stairs and back to my own house. Evening has turned into a clear night, I stop for a second in the middle of the road and lift my eyes to the sky to see the stars appear one by one.  
The stars know their place in the sky. They hold their course and their aim. They are always the same. I remember thinking this exact same thing so many nights ago. That night on the train on our way to the Capitol. I was sure I was heading to my dead then, but I'm still here, against all odds. And so is Katniss. I guess I was right about one thing, it still feels like maybe there is someone up there who cares. It's a weird way of caring though, now that everyone else around us has died or gone away, and we're the only ones left. Life holds many mysteries and has little answers. But that's something that every human being has to deal with. And I'm no exception.  
The idea of someone who cares is still soothing, though. If someone cares about me, then certainly that someone will care about my parents too, and my brothers, my friends, and Prim. maybe they're up there in the sky, looking down on me. Wanting me to be happy again, and not let love break my heart, or Katniss's for that matter.  
The moon rises and I continue my way back to my house, I feel tired after a day of so many emotions and changes. So I go home and straight to bed. Despite my uncertainty regarding Katniss's feelings towards me I feel a certain amount of peace and contentment. I'm happy to be home again.

The rest of the night is calm and I sleep well. No nightmares harass me and when I wake in the morning I feel rather well. I start the day with baking a bread. Then I look out of the window, waiting for Greasy Sae to come and take me to have breakfast with Katniss. The anxiety I felt yesterday is increasing now. What will she say? What if she doesn't want me there? But when Greasy Sae shows up she takes me by the arm. "Come, I'm making eggs with bacon for breakfast." Her positivity encourages me. It will be alright, I think, I'm just going to Katniss for breakfast.  
She's already up and sitting at the table in the kitchen when we enter, fussing around Buttercup. I've never seen her giving any attention to the cat before, but I guess now it's different. This was Prim's cat, and therefore he's precious. Sae is frying eggs with the sunny side up and bacon baked into them. Together we eat. It’s fairly quiet, but that's fine. We need it to be calm and take it slow, this breakfast. After all the fire and the rage, peace and quiet will mend our hearts.  
I look over the table at Katniss who's eating my bread. She's cutting the eggs and peels the bacon off. I can't help but smile when I see she's feeding all her bacon to Buttercup.


	22. The ruins of my past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta's back in District Twelve where he has to deal with a Katniss who seems to be catatonic most of the time. He's trying to get her to move and live again but at the same time he has to deal with the ruins of is own past as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with the third part of chapter 27 from Mockingjay
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Mockingjay

“Peeta”  
\- Jonathan Thulin

I wanna live, bake the bread and pour the wine.  
I wanna love all the world and all that’s mine.  
I wanna dream precious pearls and everdeen  
I wanna fight for the right I know is mine.

And go where the wind blows, and go where the wind blows.  
Don’t you wanna go? Show them what you’re made of,  
Anywhere it takes us, go,  
Following the war drum, anything for freedom.

I wanna bleed, bleed the blood of harmony.  
I wanna shout so all can hear my battle cry.  
I wanna break all the hands that hold me down  
I wanna fly to that district in the sky.

May the odds be in your favor tonight,  
As we show the world, change the world.

Don’t you wanna go?  
Show them what you’re made of, anywhere it takes,  
Let’s go, following the war drum, anything for freedom.  
Anything for freedom.

Slowly, with steady hands I remove the rack filled with buns from the oven. The layer of cheese baked on top of the buns shines golden brown. They’re perfect. Carefully I place them in the bread basket. With the basket in my one arm and a loaf of whole grain bread in my other, I cross the Victor’s Village to Katniss’s house for breakfast.  
She’s standing at the stove, frying some eggs, when I enter. When she hears me she turns around and gives me a small smile. “Hi,” she says, “I’m frying eggs, would you care for one?”  
“Sure, I’d love one,” I say and I place the basket on the table. When Katniss sees the buns her eyes widen and she takes one from the basket. “Cheese buns,” she says softly, “I missed them.”  
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t make them earlier,” I say, “There was no cheese. The shipment just arrived this morning.”  
“Of course,” she answers. “I meant I missed them the past year, in Thirteen and all.”  
“Yeah, Thirteen. Those people don’t know how to bake bread.” I say with a smile.  
“Creativity is a lost concept to them.” Katniss says while she takes the eggs from the stove. “Here you go.”

She fills my plate with eggs and I put a spoonful in my mouth. “They’re good.”  
“These too,” she says while she takes a huge bite out of a cheese bun. 

I’m a little bit nervous because this is the first breakfast we have with just the two of us. Greasy Sae told us yesterday that she was off with her granddaughter today and that we didn’t need her anyway. “You can take care of yourselves now,” she’d said.  
So here we are, a week after I came back to Twelve, at Katniss’s breakfast table. In the past week I’ve seen her every day at breakfast and dinner. Haymitch usually joins us in the evening as well. The rest of the day Katniss has taken on the habit of sitting in that chair next to the fire. The one where Haymitch sat with me when we played chess. Only one day she went out hunting again and came back with a single squirrel. She dropped it off in my kitchen. “Are you going to cook?” she’d asked. That’s all I’ve seen her do this week.

“What will you do today?” I ask her over the eggs. “Maybe a little more than sitting in that chair?”  
“What have you been doing?” she asks me in return.  
“Baking, painting, the usual.” I answer.  
“Have you been into town?” Katniss inquires, while feeding Buttercup some ham.  
“Not yet,” I say, “Haymitch said I should take it slow. It’s bad and it might trigger me.”  
“As in... that you would go mutt?” she asks tentatively.  
“No,” I shake my head, “No, that’s in the past now. Doctor Aurelius said there’s no more venom left, so it’s unlikely that that will happen again. But I get flashbacks, and they come faster if something triggers me.”  
“What happens if you get a flashback?” Katniss says, while taking another cheese bun from the basket.  
“I see things,” I hesitate, “They’re mostly memories of the torture, but they seem real. They’re very draining.”  
“And what do you do if that happens?” Katniss asks.  
“Usually I try to find something to grasp onto. Close my eyes, start counting, telling myself it isn’t real.” I tell her.  
She nods and we’re quiet for a little while. Then she says, “If you want to go into town, tell me, I’ll come with you.”  
“Okay,” I say, “Thanks.”

After breakfast, Katniss sits in the chair again and I walk to the hall. I intend to leave when my eye falls on a box on the desk in the study. I walk through the open door and look at the box. In it lies a wedding picture of Katniss’s parents and the golden locket I gave her in the arena. I take it, open it and stare into Prim’s smiling face. It gives me a stab of pain and I close it quickly. Next to it lies an old book with a leather cover and parchment papers. I take it out and open it. The purple of a lavender bush greets me and I recognize it. It’s Katniss’s plant book. The one we used to work on together. I really want Katniss to start doing things again so I take the book to the kitchen and sit next to her in the other rocker.  
“Look what I found in the study,” I say. Katniss looks up and stares at the book.  
“Maybe we can add more to this,” I suggest, “There are still so many blank pages waiting to be filled.”  
Katniss just stares into the fire and for a while I think she didn’t hear me, but then she nods, “Sure, let’s do it.”  
She takes the book from me and starts to browse through it. Her fingers trail over the yellow dandelion on one of the pages. “Is that your favourite flower?” I ask.  
She looks up and into my eyes for such a long time that it starts to make me nervous. Then she nods again, barely visible. “It saved me,” she whispers.  
“It did?” I ask, surprised, “I remember you plucked it, that day.”  
“Yes. Did you know you can eat them?” Katniss says. “They saved me and my sister.” A tear rolls down her cheek and she smacks the book close. Suddenly she jumps out of the chair, “Okay, let’s go, I can’t stay here for another second.”  
I stand up from the chair, a little shocked at her intensity. “Where are we going?”  
“Just out, come,” she says. She walks out of the kitchen and I follow her hastily. In the hall she grabs my coat and her own leather jacket from the coatrack. She hands me the coat and practically runs out of the door. I follow her to the fence behind the Victor’s Village. She opens the gate and we enter the woods. Only when the trees have completely concealed the houses, Katniss slows her pace.  
“I always used to enter the woods at the meadow,” she tells me, “I don’t really know this part of it. We can explore it, maybe we’ll find something to add to the book.”  
“That sounds like a good idea,” I say.  
We walk around the woods for hours. Katniss points out which plants are edible and which are not. I recognize most of them. Either from the book or because I ate them myself. We dig out some roots and pluck some herbs, Katniss shows me the plant she’s named for. Katniss roots, we harvest them from a shallow pond. The day is clear and not too cold, April starts next week.  
“You’re so loud,” Katniss complains, “I haven’t seen one squirrel or turkey to shoot.”  
“You didn’t even bring the bow,” I point out, smiling.  
Katniss lets out a laugh. “Oh right,” she says, “Good one.”  
I can’t believe I actually heard her laugh. I made her laugh. This is the highest achievement I’ve made since my return to Twelve and it really makes me happy. I jump around her and laugh. Anything for freedom. I want to shout so all can hear my battle cry.  
“So it doesn’t matter how loud I am!” I exclaim.  
“Yes it does,” Katniss says, but she’s smiling. “But seriously though, you should really work on being more quiet.”  
“I thought that was a lost cause.” I say.  
“Probably, yes,” she answers as we pass a big oak tree. Then she freezes in her tracks and I bump into her. She grasps my wrist. “Shh,” she whispers urgently and that’s when I see it. A wild dog. Standing only a couple of yards away from us. His teeth are bared and a growl escapes his throat.

Adrenaline shoots through my body at this sudden danger and a fierce protectiveness gets hold of me. I have to protect her. But I can’t, because Katniss is standing in front of me, staring at the dog while she tells me to climb a tree.  
“I can’t climb,” I whisper back, “You know I can’t. You go, climb one, I’ll take care of it.”  
“Then you better learn it fast,” she says, ignoring my request. “Because, as you said earlier, I didn’t bring a bow.”  
“Did you bring a knife?” I ask her, “Maybe in the pockets of your jacket? I could kill it with a knife.”  
Katniss searches her pockets and hands me a small knife, trying to minimize her movements. “It’s not big enough,” she says, “You can’t kill it with this thing.” The dog lets out a growl again, he’s posed for an attack.  
“Sure I can,” I say and with one movement I push Katniss behind me and throw the knife with great force at the dog. The knife buries itself in its head and the dog collapses to the ground. I feel Katniss’s hand on my back as she looks over my shoulder at the dead dog. “That was a good shot,” she says.  
“We practiced knife throwing a lot, remember?” I say.  
“I do, yes,” she says, “But this was quite impressive. I was a little scared for a moment.”  
I turn around and look into her eyes. “Me too,” I say. A flicker of emotion cross her face, but it was so short that I’m not sure if I imagined it. Katniss walks past me and retrieves the knife from the dog’s head. “You think Greasy Sae would still appreciate wild dog?” she asks.  
“Why not?” I say, “I’ll carry it.” I haul the dead animal on my shoulder and together we walk back to the fence. 

Back in Victor’s Village we bring the wild dog to Greasy Sae’s house. She lives in the one next to Katniss. A few of the others are in use as well, not all of them though. There are some emergency buildings in town where most of the other people live. They’re busy with cleaning the district and burying the dead. Most of them don’t feel comfortable with living in a house in the Victor’s Village. Greasy Sae herself had trouble with it too. She told me she felt that she didn’t deserve such a house, since she never won any Games. “Well,” I said, “I didn’t win any Games either, I’ll tell you that.”  
When we bring her the dog she starts laughing. “Katniss, Katniss, you’re back aren’t you? Delivering me wild dog.”  
Katniss smiles but points to me, “It was his kill, really.”  
“I guess the odds were in my favor.” I say with a big smile, then I nudge Katniss with my elbow, “I’m starving, let’s get some cheese buns for lunch.”

That evening I’m lying in my bed alone, thinking about this day. The wild dog, the feeling of protectiveness. Katniss laughing. Thinking back to her smile makes me feel warm inside. And somehow a little nervous too. A good kind of nervous. It’s like there are a million butterflies flying around in my stomach and I wonder, am I falling in love with her? It’s an odd realization, because I know I already love this girl. She’s connected to me, for better or worse. But falling in love with someone is not the same as loving someone, however strange that sounds. I knew I was in love with her before I was captured by the Capitol. But that was beaten out of me. In the past year I’ve gone from loving her to believing she was a mutt, to hating her and back to loving her again. But this feeling I’m experiencing now is new. Well, not really new maybe, but new for post-hijacked me. I want to be with her. I want to hold her in my arms, kiss the pain away. Dry her tears and love her. I want to break all the hands that hold us down. I want to make it right for her, give her back her wings and let her fly high, to that district in the sky.

But the next day I find her sitting in that chair again. Not moving, not reacting to me. As if she left her body and is floating somewhere where I can’t find her. After breakfast I go to Haymitch and shake him awake, telling him my frustration about Katniss.  
“You want to go too fast,” Haymitch says, “She’s depressed, Peeta. She lost her sister. You know she meant everything to her.”  
“I know that,” I say, “And I’m not saying she shouldn’t mourn her, but I hate to see her like this.”  
“Like I said before, you have to give her time.” Haymitch says.  
When I call Dr. Aurelius later that day he tells me the same thing. “Be grateful that yesterday was a good day, that’s a hopeful sign. The good days will increase.”  
“But what if they don’t,” I say, “What if she stays like this. I want to fight for her, doctor. I want to change the world.”  
“You aim high, boy,” he says, “Which is good, really. But I suggest you slow down your pace and adapt to her. That is, if you want to be with her.”  
“I do, I do want to be with her,” I say, “I think I’m falling in love with her, doctor. And it hurts to see her so broken.”

In the week that follows Katniss is going back and forth. One day she’s more responsive than the next, there’s no say in what triggers it. She’s unpredictable. So are my flashbacks, which continue to attack me a couple of times a day. I do feel that on days when Katniss is doing better, I’m doing better as well. Sometimes we take more walks in the woods. She always brings her bow now. Sometimes we add new plants to the plant book, working quietly at the kitchen table.  
There are also days in which I don’t see her, except for breakfast and dinner. Those days I spend baking and painting in my own house. I start to feel a greater urge to visit the town and see the bakery, but I’m really scared to do so. Katniss offered to come with me, but that means she needs to have a good day first. If she’s catatonic, it’s no use. 

On a particular warm day in April I wake up sweating after a terrible nightmare. The bakery burned down and my parents and brothers burned with it. They were screaming from the excruciating pain I know so well myself. They were suffocating, dying. I sit up in my bed, panting. My face wet from tears and sweat. This is the day to face the horror, I say to myself. I have to see it.  
Fortunately, Katniss seems to be in a better state of mind this morning, so during breakfast I ask her if she wants to join me for a walk into town.  
“Sure, I’ll come with you,” she says, “It will be hard, though. There’s nothing left.”  
Even with her warning I’m still shocked to my very core when we enter the square. Nothing here reminds me of how it used to be. Only ruins are left. There are no bodies to be seen anywhere, no ashes or rubble. The whole square is wiped clean. But surrounded by ruins. The sweetshop on the corner only consists of two walls now. That’s it. The Justice Building isn’t there anymore. In its place are the emergency buildings where food is stockpiled and about fifty people live there now. Their daily business is cleaning up the town. A few of them stroll past us, pushing carts and carrying brooms. Slowly I cross the square. Katniss next to me, senses me tense up and she reaches for my hand. I feel her fingers entwine with mine and hang on to her as if she’s my lifeline. 

We come to a stop in front of the bakery. There’s nothing much left but the melted lump of the oven.  
I step forward and Katniss moves with me, anticipating my movements. With my free hand I touch what used to be the oven. A thousand memories surge through me. All the breads baked in here. The pastry, the cookies, the cinnamon rolls. My legs are shaky and I sink to my knees, press my forehead into the lump of metal. The grief inside of me spills over as I break down and cry. One hand still holding on to Katniss beside me. The other caressing the metal as if it were my family. “I love you,” I whisper, “I miss you, so much.”  
My body starts trembling. I let go of Katniss and bury my face in my hands, making myself as small as possible. The tears drip through my fingers on the ground. I want to disappear. I want to follow them and not feel this pain anymore. This aching hole inside of me now that they’re gone. The proof is here, there’s no more hiding behind some sort of false hope that everybody was lying and the images were tricked, like so many others were. It’s really gone and there’s nothing left to hold on to here. 

Her arms circle around me as she kneels down next to me. She pulls me on her lap and rocks my body gently. Her fingers stroking my hair. Holding me like I’m a child, my face pressed against her chest. I’m wetting her shirt with my tears but she doesn’t seem to mind. She continues stroking my hair with one hand while her other arm holds me close to her. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, her voice strained with tears, “I’m so sorry.”  
After what seems like a long time I finally calm down. All that time Katniss holds on to me and tells me over and over again that she’s sorry. When I find my voice I say to her that it’s not her fault.  
“But it is,” she replies softly.  
I break free from her embrace and look into her eyes. She looks so terribly sad that it breaks my heart all over again. “No, it’s not,” I say, “You can’t blame yourself for this.”  
“You were right though, when you said I did this,” she insists, “It was my arrow that blew up that force field.”  
“It’s not the same,” I say and I take her hand and squeeze it. “You didn’t order these bombs. When I said you did this, that’s what I meant. They made me believe you actively ordered the fire bombs. But you didn’t. You shot the arrow, yes. But Snow is the one who did this, who ruined our district and killed my family. Not you. Stop blaming yourself, Katniss.”  
I crawl up from the ground and help Katniss up as well. I wipe my face clean and take her hand again. “Lets go where the wind blows. Don’t you want go? Show them what you’re made of.” I say.  
“I don’t want to show anything to anyone.” Katniss answers.  
“Okay,” I answer, “That’s fine, really. But we’re not going to stand still. We’re going to move forward.”  
“Where do you want to go?” she asks.  
“Home.” I say. “I want to go home. Bake the bread and pour the wine.”

After dinner at my house I take out some paper and start sketching. I don’t have any pictures of the bakery. Maybe there are some in an archive in the Capitol. I could ask Effie. But I don’t feel like doing that now. So I draw it myself. Haymitch is sipping his wine and Katniss watches me sketch.  
“I don’t want to forget,” I tell her.  
She nods, lost in thought.  
Haymitch gets up from his chair and looks over my shoulder while I draw the sign on the bakery.  
Mellark’s Bakery  
“You should rebuild it,” he says, “You’re a Mellark and you’re a baker.”  
“Haymitch, that’s impressive!” I tease, “You figured that out all on your own?”  
Katniss laughs and punches Haymitch’s arm. “Yeah, Haymitch,” she says, “Where did you learn to be so smart?”  
“Oh shut up,” he grumbles, “I was being serious. He should rebuild it.”  
“Maybe someday,” I answer.

This night I sleep a little better. Crying healed me a little bit. In the morning Katniss is standing at my door with the book in her arms. “Let’s have breakfast here,” she says.  
While I’m making tea, Katniss is browsing through the plant book.  
“Your sketch yesterday gave me an idea,” she tells me. “I don’t want to forget either.”  
“So, what’s your plan?” I ask.  
“I want to make a new book,” she says, “Like this one, but for our loved ones. For everyone we lost and we want to remember.”  
“A memory book,” I say.  
“Yes, I want to write down everything about everybody.” Katniss explains, “We can find pictures or you can sketch them.”  
“We could call Effie to send us pictures.” I suggest. I pour the tea into two mugs, handing one of them to Katniss. I take a sip of my own tea and look at the book on the table. “I like it, Katniss. It sounds like a great idea.”  
Katniss gets up from the chair and walks to the phone. A couple of weeks ago she started calling Dr. Aurelius. And even though there are many lost days, his treatment seems to help. I call him too, about once a week, like we agreed. He tells us both pretty much the same thing. Go through the motions. Take one day at a time. Try to find meaning in life again.  
I hear her talk to him about the book now. A little enthusiasm is audible in her voice. She turns to me and raises her thumb, she puts her hand over the phone. “He’s going to order parchment sheets for us.”  
Hearing her say ‘us’ is like finding meaning in life again. And a large box of parchment sheets arrives on the next train from the Capitol.


	23. When thunder rolls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are going back and forth for both Peeta and Katniss. They have to cope with nightmares and flashbacks and hiding in closets. But when the thunder rolls, they find it's better to deal with it together than alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with the fourth part of chapter 27 from Mockingjay
> 
> Disclaimer: I'm not the owner of this story

“Live For Real”  
\- K’s Choice

Life has always been a pretty song  
And pretty loud  
You're so beautiful  
Why is it fading out

I don't want to live forever  
But as long as I do  
I'd love to live for real

Now the boy who dried your tears  
Is crying all the time  
Now the joy I've had for years  
Has left me for a while

I don't want to live forever  
But as long as I do  
I'd love to live for real

With you I might get there  
With you I might start to feel  
With you I will get there  
With you I will live for real

I will breathe the air, I'll dance  
And you will wonder why  
It's because you made me see  
This chance was moving by

Because I'm not going to live forever  
But as long as I do  
I'd love to live for real

When a cloud becomes my head  
Play your music loud instead  
And we'll dance until  
The both of us are dead 

“I got the idea from our family’s plant book,” Katniss tells Haymitch, who looks questioningly at the colossal mess in my living room. Katniss and I had carried the boxes of parchment sheets from the station to my house this morning and put them in the living room.  
“But what are you going to do with it?” Haymitch asks.  
“We’re going to make a new book. Like the plant book. Recording things we can’t trust to memory.” I explain, while Katniss nods impatiently. Haymitch takes the leather cover, in which we can insert the sheets, out of a box and examines it.  
“Okay, well, good luck with it,” he mumbles before walking out of the room.  
Katniss and I share a look and she gives me a small smile. “Grumpy old man,” she says. She hands me one of the sheets. “Maybe you can paint something on it, a sort of title page,” she suggests.  
“Sure,” I take the sheet and go to sit at the table, “Did you have anything in mind?”  
“You’re the creative one,” she says, “I trust you can come up with something that’s fitting.”  
She takes a seat at the table across from me, searching through pictures she wants to add to the book. “Do you have any pictures from your family?”  
I look up from sketching, “I think I have one from Rye and Brannick, and an old wedding picture from my parents,” I say, “But most of the pictures were in the bakery. So they were all burned.” I feel a stab of pain in my abdomen, thinking about everything and everyone that was burned and the terrible feeling of loss I felt when I visited the place a couple of days ago.  
“I’m sorry,” Katniss whispers, and I see in her face she feels the pain as well.  
“I told you before, it’s not your fault.” I say and I reach over the table to take her hand in mine. With my thumb I stroke the back of her hand. Katniss places her other hand on top of mine and stares down at them. 

Apart from her embrace when I collapsed on the floor of the bakery, Katniss and I barely touch. We’ve held each other’s hands, but nothing more. The warmth of her hand on top of mine makes the butterflies swirl in my stomach. I have the feeling I might get there. Back to life, live for real. With her I might get there. But I don’t know if she feels the same. If she still loves me like she used to do. I also can’t tell if she knows that I love her. She must have felt my hate for her back in Thirteen. I’ve seen her face crumble after I made some snarky comment. Does she feel it, that I’ve changed, that I’ve healed? That I can breathe again because she made me see a chance was moving by?  
I don’t know if she sees it and I don’t know how to make it clear to her. Should I just tell her I’m in love with her? Can I tell her that? It seems like such a silly thing to say. After all we’ve been through, after all the misery life brought us. What can she do with a boy who’s in love with her? Above all I’m scared that she wouldn’t feel the same and it would ruin what we have now. This tentative friendship. No, I’d better keep this to myself for now and wait for the future to unfold.

After about five minutes of sitting like this, Katniss staring at our hands and me staring at her, I retrieve my hand and continue sketching. The symbol of the Mockingjay, an arrow in its beak. With swirling letters I write the title under it.  
Memory Book  
We work silently for an hour or so. Katniss is writing, while I paint in the sketch of the Mockingjay. Katniss gets up to get us some tea and when she returns she looks over my shoulder to what I’ve made. “It’s beautiful,” she says. There’s pain hiding beneath that simple statement. It makes an urge go through me for something happy, to see her smile, to make her laugh again.  
“How are we going to undertake this endeavour?” I say with an affected Capitol voice.  
And it works. Katniss lets out a laugh. “Shut up!” she punches my shoulder and jumps away when I try to grab her arm, letting out a small shriek. I rise from the chair and intend to start a pursuit. Katniss runs to the other side of the table, challenging me to come get her. We start moving around the table, which is like performing a dance and it makes me feel alive. This is what she does to me, she makes me forget the pain and feel like a child again.  
I can’t get to her though, she’s going too fast. So I have to outsmart her. She’s darting around a chair when I suddenly turn around and approach her from the other side. She notices it, but she’s too late and the next moment I’ve reached her and pull her in my arms. “I got you.” I say.  
“Yes, you do,” she answers, but the next moment it’s like she freezes in my arms. I feel her muscles tense and I let go of her instantly. She takes a few steps back. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. It begins to sound very repetitive.

I walk away from her and into my kitchen, where I grab the counter with both hands. Squeezing so hard my knuckles turn white. A voice in my head tells me she doesn’t love me anymore. She doesn’t want me to touch her. Another voice tells me that can’t be it. We just held hands for five minutes. The voices start to coalesce in my brain and it doesn’t take long for me to be thrown into a flashback of shiny memories. Never knowing what’s real and what’s not. It’s like a cloud becomes my head, everything is hazy and foggy. I lose grip of the kitchen counter and collapse unto the floor. I’m vaguely aware of a voice screaming, the world is swirling in front of my eyes. Footsteps approach. Two pairs of hands are on me, lifting me up, carrying me away. I don’t know what’s happening and I start to scream and thrash. “Get away from me! Let go of me!”  
“Give him some morphling,” a man’s voice shouts.  
“I... I don’t know how too.”  
“Come on, Katniss, you’ve done it before, you can do it again!” There’s so much anger in the voice I’m panicking even more, even though I have no idea what I’m panicking about. When I open my eyes a face comes into focus. The next moment a needle is jammed into my arm. She’s so beautiful, why is it fading out? The yellow spots blurring my vision become larger and darker until everything is black.

The music reaches me before everything else does. Her voice so sweet and splendid.  
“All the love you put out will return to you”  
When I open my eyes I see I’m lying in my own bed. Katniss is sitting in the chair next to it, singing softly. As soon as she sees me she bends forward, brushing a strand of hair from my forehead. “Hey,” she says softly, “Good to see your eyes again.”  
I smile a little at her repeating my words. “I said that to you, in our first Games. Real or not real?” I ask.  
“Real,” Katniss says, “It was after the feast, I blacked out because Clove stabbed me. You bandaged me and took care of me after that.”  
“But only because you saved my life.” I reply.  
Katniss shrugs.  
“What happened?” I ask after a moment of silence.  
“I don’t know exactly,” she says, “You had a flashback, an intense one.”  
“How long was I out?”  
“I gave you a shot of morphling and after that a small dose of sleep syrup,” Katniss says, “You slept for a couple of hours.”  
Slowly the events of this morning come back to me and I remember her freezing in my arms before I had the flashback. I look at her but then turn my head away, staring at the ceiling.  
“I don’t understand you, Katniss,” I say, “But you know what? I don’t want to live forever, but as long as I live I love to live for real.”  
“What do you mean?” Katniss’s voice drops to a whisper.  
“I mean that I need to know what’s real, and I refuse to live in a lie.” I say, turning my head again and lock her eyes with mine.  
“What do you want from me, huh?” She jumps up from the chair, looking furious, “I can’t live for real, Peeta! I can’t live. She’s dead and it’s killing me! It’s killing me!”  
She bursts into tears and runs away. Down the stairs and out of the front door. 

“Once again, Peeta, you’re going too fast for her,” Haymitch says that evening. Katniss didn’t come back and Haymitch and I eat with the two of us in his kitchen. A stew of squirrel, potatoes, onions and mushrooms. I added red wine and sage. It tastes good but I feel defeated. Like I’ve ruined what we got because I couldn’t deal with her freezing and turning away from me like she did.  
“She’s scared,” Haymitch continues, “Scared because love hurts too much.”  
“Loving someone equals getting hurt.” I say. “Prim told me that. Back in Thirteen.”  
“She was a wise girl.” Haymitch says.  
“She also said it was the greatest joy in life,” I muse, remembering our conversation. “I thought she was wrong, but she wasn’t. Love hurts, but it’s the only thing that makes sense in life. We have to fight for it.”  
“I don’t think Katniss is strong enough to fight,” Haymitch says.  
“Yes, she is,” I retort, “She’s just depressed as you said. But she’s strong and she’ll get out of it and turn to life again. I’m positive about that.”  
Haymitch scowls at me as if he disagrees. “What are you going to do about it?” he mumbles. “You’re a lunatic yourself.”  
“Sure,” I answer, “I think that means you’re the most sane one. And see how well you’re doing!” I point to the bottle of liquor in his hand.  
“You should find something to do besides drinking, Haymitch,” I say, “Get a pet or something.”  
“A pet!” He lets out a laugh. “You’re crazy.”  
“I’m worried,” I reply, “About her. Where do you think she is?”  
“Probably in a closet somewhere.” Haymitch says, “That’s where she used to hide back in Thirteen, and later in the Capitol.”  
“I’m going to look for her,” I say and I get up from the chair and walk out of the kitchen.  
“I don’t think that’s a smart idea,” Haymitch calls after me. But I choose to ignore him.

Inside of Katniss’s house I search every closet I can find, from the cellar to the attic. The long coats move slightly when I open a large wardrobe in one of the bedrooms. With one smooth motion I sweep them away and find her. All rolled up in a ball, her arms hugging her knees, her head buried between them.  
“Katniss,” I whisper. I kneel down and put a hand on her shoulder. She doesn’t react.  
“Katniss, please,” I say, “Come out of the closet.”  
She shakes her head and doesn’t budge. But I won’t have it, so I just lift her up in my arms and pull her from out of the clothes. I sink down on the ground and hug her tight to me.  
“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to sit back and watch you spent the rest of your life hiding in closets,” I say.  
Katniss still doesn’t react but stays rigid in my arms. So I copy what I did that day on the beach, after that hour of jabberjay torture. I just rock her slowly in my arms, and whisper that it’s going to be okay. And no one will hurt Prim anymore. “She’s safe now, she’s safe.” I whisper. While I’m saying the words I realize I start to cry. There’s too much pain in these words, because even though they’re true, they are unbearable at the same time. “I’m sorry, Katniss,” I say, “I’m sorry she’s gone. She’s gone, but she’s safe, okay. Nothing can happen to her anymore.”  
With this Katniss breaks down and starts to tremble. Her arms move until they’re around my neck and she hides her face against my chest. “I’m sorry,” I say again.  
“It’s not your fault,” she whispers.  
I don’t know how long we sit there, clinging to each other, but when we move again, my body aches from the position it’s been in for too long.  
We walk downstairs together and drink a cup of hot chocolate in Katniss’s kitchen. After I’ve drained the cup I look outside and see how dark it got. “I’m going home,” I say, “I’m tired.”  
Katniss nods and follows my gaze out of the window. “It seems like storm’s coming,” she states.  
“Sleep well, I’ll see you tomorrow,” I say.  
“See you tomorrow.” 

The thunder strikes the tree at midnight and I know I won’t make it back there in time. Katniss is at the tree and I have to go there to protect her. I’m screaming her name but the thunder is so loud. The next one comes as an explosion. My eyes fly open and I sit straight up. Momentarily confused but then my mind tells me it was a dream, I’m in my bed in the Victor’s Village and there’s no thunder and no lightning tree. A bright light illuminates the sky, directly followed by rolls of thunder, proving me wrong. There is thunder. I get up and walk to the open window. Katniss was right, the storm has arrived. I can see the branches of the trees waving heavily in the wind. The thunder rumbles and roars and lightning keeps lighting up the sky. Though the memory of the arena scares me, the weather draws me outside. It’s early May but it’s not cold for this time of year, so I walk down the stairs without changing clothes, wearing just my pyjama shorts and a shirt. In the hall I hastily put on some shoes, finding myself hurrying out the door. Inside can be so stifling sometimes.  
I walk to the little fountain that’s across from Katniss house and stop there to watch the lightning strike again. It’s scary but oddly magnetic too, to see the forces of nature have their way. There’s nothing we can do to stop them, and the idea that such a lightning bolt can take my life in a second is somehow appealing to me. But the energy that it creates make me feel alive at the same time.  
I stand there in silence, staring at the sky.  
“Couldn’t sleep?” Katniss’s voice right behind me makes me startle, but I don’t jump. She appears in my vision at my right side, a robe wrapped around her small body. She’s hugging herself and it makes her look so vulnerable, I want to take her in my arms again. But the events from today prevent me from reaching out to her.  
I shake my head. “The thunder woke me up.” I say. “And you?”  
“Nightmares,” she whispers. “I told you it would storm.”  
The lightning strikes again, and the thunder that follows makes us both startle a bit.  
“It’s close.” Katniss states.  
“It’s magnificent,” I say. The lightning hits a tree in the distance and it catches fire. Different from the tree in the arena, that wasn’t even scratched by it. The memory makes me think of Katniss’s promise before we departed from that tree on that fateful night.  
“What time is it?” I ask her.  
She looks up at me, a little confused. “I don’t know. A little after midnight, I guess?”  
“You’re a bit late,” I say and give her a small smirk.  
I see the confusion leave her face as she gets what I mean.“I know,” she whispers, “I got a little held up.”  
“Me too.” I say. I take my hand out of my pocket and tentatively reach for her. She meets me in the middle and the familiar feeling of our entwined fingers makes me sigh. “I’m glad you’re here now.” I tell her.  
“Me too,” she repeats my words.

We stand there in silence, watching the night, holding each other’s hands. It’s enough for now. But then the rain starts. Not slowly, drip by drip, but the floodgates of heaven open and it’s pouring. We’re sopping wet in seconds. Katniss pulls my arm and we break into a run. Inside of her house we come to a standstill in her hall. Both of us dripping wet. Katniss bursts out in laughter at the look of our soaked faces, and I join in. “I’m sorry,” she says, in between laughs, “You just look like a drowned puppy.” She rakes her hand through my hair and droplets of water fly through the air. “Let me get you a towel.” She disappears up the stairs and I walk to the kitchen to get the kettle on the stove. I’m in need of something warm. The night wasn’t cold but the sudden rain left me shivering. I take off my shirt, standing bare chested next to the stove, trying to catch some of its heat.  
When I hear her footsteps on the stairs I turn to the door opening. She appears there seconds later, wearing dry pajamas and holding a towel and a shirt in her hand. She stands still on the threshold, her eyes trained on my naked upper body. I stare down at myself, I’m flat, pale, the muscles show in my abdomen and my chest, but most prominent are the scars. Standing half naked in front of her makes me self-conscious all of a sudden. I’ve never been a prude, and I don’t care if she sees me. But the scars make me insecure. I let my left arm fall to cover my side and look back at Katniss again. She’s still staring at me but suddenly comes aware of what she’s doing. Her face becomes beet red while she stumbles into the kitchen. “Here’s... uhm, here’s a towel.” She hands me the towel quickly and grabs a couple of mugs for the tea, the shirt still clasped in her hand. She becomes aware of that too and the color on her cheeks deepen. “And a shirt,” she says, while giving it to me.  
I forget the scars and smile at her. “You want me to wear a shirt?” I ask her teasingly.  
“Yes,” she replies hastily, but then adds, “I mean, I don’t want you to be cold.”

I dry myself with the towel and strip off my shorts and shoes, which are still wet. Then I put on the shirt Katniss gave me. It’s a man’s size shirt. “Where did you get this?”  
“It was Cinna’s.” Katniss says while she hands me a mug of tea. “Let’s make a fire in the living room,” she suggests. “Warm up a little.”  
Katniss brings some smaller twigs and paper while I build up the logs in the hearth. I take them from her and make a neat pile. Then light the paper with a match. It catches on, the flames leaping over to the twigs and soon the fire is burning.  
“You’re still good at that,” Katniss says, squatting beside me. I sit back on the warm rug and wrap my hands around the mug of tea. Katniss pulls some pillows and a throw blanket from the couch. She wraps the blanket around both our legs and comes to sit next to me. She’s shivering a little and again I want to take her in my arms, but I hesitate. Let her take the initiative, I tell myself.  
“I remember you made a fire so quickly, in that first arena,” Katniss muses, “That was really something.”  
“We needed it,” I say, “Because you were so fast shooting those squirrels and rabbits.”  
“Do you remember that weird animal that was walking around there?” Katniss asks.  
“You mean the groosling?” I say, “It was a sort of turkey, wasn’t it?”  
“Yes, Rue recognized it from her home. Apparently they have lots of them in Eleven.”  
We are silent for a while, staring into the fire, listening to the rain. Another memory comes back to me. “In the cave, we listened to the rain as well,” I say, “I thought it would never stop.”  
Katniss turns to look at me. “I just had a disturbing thought,” she says, “You told me back then we’d end up sitting by the fire, telling old Hunger Games stories with Haymitch. And that’s exactly what we’re doing now.”  
I let out a laugh at the memory. “I should go get Haymitch!” I yell and make to get up.  
“No!” Katniss exclaims and takes my arm. I look at her and can’t help but smile at the shock on her face. My arm still clutched in both her hands. She sees it too and lets go of me with her one hand, but the other drapes my arm over her shoulders. “I mean, he’s probably asleep,” she says while I settle next to her. “You’re right,” I say, although I don’t believe that to be true, “We should just let him get his rest.”  
“You know, he’s getting old,” Katniss says while she lays her head on my shoulder. My fingers trail a pattern on her arm absent minded. “I know,” I say, “He should stop drinking and start doing something with his life.”  
“He should live for real.” Katniss says softly. I chuckle at her remark.  
“Peeta, I’m sorry about yesterday morning,” Katniss’s voice is no more than a whisper now, barely audible over the sound of rain falling. “I’m just... I’m afraid.”  
“That’s okay.” I tell her, “It’s okay to be afraid. But that doesn’t mean you should stop doing things and hide in closets. Just do things afraid. That’s fine too.”  
“Hmm,” she says back and I can tell she’s almost asleep. Gently I go to lie on my back, my head on the pillows Katniss took from the couch. Katniss repositions herself and lays her head on my chest, on the spot she’s supposed to be. Her arm is wrapped around my waist, her body pressed against mine. I can feel every inch of her through our pajamas. And it feels like home.

The blanket covers us, and sleep takes us down with it. The rain keeps falling, the storm is roaring. But we are safe and sound tonight.  
In my dream we’re walking through the meadow, hand in hand. The sun is shining down on us and it’s a beautiful day. Prim comes running towards us, smiling. She lifts her hands and goes to stand on tiptoes. Like a bird about to take flight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm giving a big thank you to eala-musings for this chapter. She came up with some great ideas that lifted this chapter to a higher level!!


	24. We will walk the road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta and Katniss sleep together again for the first time since a long time, and that felt good. Something worth repeating.  
> When Katniss celebrates her eighteenth birthday Haymitch teases them about living together and they get another visitor too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with the fifth part of chapter 27 from Mockingjay  
> Disclaimer: I don't own MJ

“May you have”  
\- Trinity

May you have a roof above your head  
May your house be home to you, your table filled with bread  
May you have a soft and silent sleep, all through the night  
May your lover in your arms be your delight 

May you have enough to go around  
May you have the wealth to know what you can live without  
May you have a full days work to do, and time to spend  
With all your children’s kin ‘till your life’s end 

A wall for the wind  
And a fire for the cold  
A coat for the rain  
And a friend for the road 

May you be at peace with who you are  
And may you laugh and cry with those around you near and far  
May your heart be found by love that will survive  
In all the changing seasons of your life 

I’ll protect you from the wind  
and I will find a shelter  
In the night I’ll light a fire  
so you won’t get cold  
In the dark I’ll be around you  
like a guardian angel  
I’ll be there, cause together  
we will walk the road

On and on the rain goes throughout that entire night. The sound of it entwined with my dreams. Prim flying away from us, impossible to reach, but safe high up in the sky. Where no one can touch her. It leaves us feeling empty but not as scared as we used to be.  
When the light of day streaks through the window it’s still grey but it wakes me nonetheless. I open my eyes slowly and the first thing I see when I look down is Katniss, lying on my chest. She’s here with me. We’re lying on the floor of her living room in front of a dying fire. And despite the hard wooden floor under the rug, I’ve never slept better.  
I feel her stir and she lifts her head. Her eyes meet mine. “You’re awake,” she states.  
I nod. “How did you sleep?” I ask her.  
“Good,” she says, “Really good actually.” She lays down her head again.  
“You didn’t have any nightmares?” I say.  
“No, nothing,” she answers, “You?”  
“Nothing,” I repeat, “I had a dream, though. About Prim flying in the sky like a bird. But she was safe and it was good.”  
“She is safe,” Katniss whispers, “You’re right about that, you know. Thank you for saying that to me.”  
“I thought it was a ridiculous thing to say, really,” I say, “What good is it that she’s safe when she’s not with us anymore?”  
“It’s a lot of good,” says Katniss, her hand is caressing my waist, distracting me a little. “I’d rather have her safe and not with me, than the other way around.”  
“But you’re safe now.” I say.  
“I am,” she whispers, her fingers twirl around on my bare skin exposed below the hem of my rumpled shirt. Her touch makes bolts of electricity shoot through my body and I shiver a little. She notices my reaction and sits up, leaving me chilled instantly.  
“It’s late,” she says, “We should have breakfast.”  
“I want to take a shower first,” I tell her. I look out of the window where the rain is still pouring down.  
“You can take a shower here,” Katniss says, “I can find you something to wear.”  
“A nice dress?” I suggest, which makes her laugh.  
“I think Cinna left more of his clothes here.” Katniss explains, “So I’ll have something that’ll fit you.” 

After breakfast the rain dies down a little and we go to my house to continue our work on the memory book. In the kitchen I notice the jar of honey on my counter. I ordered it for Katniss’s birthday which is in two days. I intend to make a goat cheese and apple pie for her. It’ll have to wait for tomorrow. I rake up the fire in the living room. The weather makes it feel like it’s fall instead of spring. So we stay inside, close to the fire and work on the book. Every page dedicated to a person dear to us. We start the page with a picture and then Katniss writes down everything too precious to trust to memory. I’m sketching my father bringing me cookies on reaping day. “I told him to give them to you,” I say to Katniss. She looks over at the sketch and nods. “He did.”  
“After we came back from the Games he told me he gave loads of them to Prim as well,” I tell her, “Behind my mother’s back of course.” I smile at the memory of my father telling me how Prim’s sad face would light up when he told her he was sure Katniss would win. But then, concerned again, she’d say, “But what about Peeta?” She didn’t even know me, but she cared already.

Both the day and the rain continue while we quietly work. Once a while sharing a memory. Letting the other see our work and comment on it. At dinner Haymitch doesn’t show, but we don’t mind. It’s been a perfect day and I don’t want Haymitch’s drunken mood to spoil it. In the evening Katniss is curled up on the couch. I come to bring her tea and sit beside her, my arm around her. It’s almost automatic now. We didn’t speak about last night at all, but I know it was good for both of us and I want her to stay now as well. The thought of sleeping alone in my bed makes me anxious. But I don’t know how to bring it up. I can’t very well ask her to sleep with me, can I? And Haymitch warned me multiple times about wanting to go too fast.  
On the other hand, I shouldn’t waste time apart from her and she shouldn’t either. I want her to have a soft and silent sleep, all through the night. And when she can’t have that, then at least she needs to be in my arms so I can calm her down like I used to. In the dark I’ll be around her like a guardian angel.  
I look over the rim of my teacup to Katniss lying against my shoulder. Her eyes closed, her empty cup in her hand. I take it from her and nudge her shoulder. “You can stay here, if you want?” I ask.  
She looks into my eyes and nods. “Okay,” she says quietly.  
“You look tired,” I say, “Do you want to go to bed?”  
She nods again and I take her hand and lead her up the stairs to my bedroom. It feels so weird and so normal at the same time to bring her to my bed. I find her a shirt to wear and she goes to my bathroom to change. I’m already in bed when she returns. Her hair hangs loose, it’s shining and looking beautiful again. Such a contrast from how it looked when I came back six weeks ago. She crawls under the covers and lays beside me for a moment. Stiff from the sudden tension. I shift to my side and push myself up on my elbow to look at her. She’s staring at the ceiling, tears are shining in her eyes.  
“Are you okay?” I whisper. She gives her head a small shake while a tear escapes her eye and rolls over her cheek. I stretch out my hand and wipe it away. “Come here,” I say and hold out my arms to her. She lies still for another second, but then shifts her body towards me. I pull her in my arms and hold her close. “What’s wrong?” I whisper.  
“Nothing,” her voice sounds muffled against my shirt, “Everything,”  
“You’re just tired,” I say while I stroke her hair. “Go to sleep.”  
I keep stroking her hair while she rests her head against my chest. It only takes a few minutes before her breathing evens out and she’s asleep in my arms.

“Prim!” Katniss’s voice pierces through the night, “Prim! No!”  
It takes only a little while to comprehend that I’m not dreaming and Katniss is really screaming. She’s not in my arms anymore. Instead she’s thrashing around, the blankets are draped around her body, entrapping her while I’m left without. I shake her shoulder. “Katniss, Katniss, wake up.” It doesn’t help and her voice sounds so lost while she keeps repeating her sister’s name. I shake her more vigorously and tug at the blankets, freeing her legs. “Katniss!” I yell now. “Wake up!”  
Her eyes fly open, the pupils dilated with fear. She grasps my arm and sits up straight. “Prim,” she says. Her eyes focus and then she recognizes me. “Peeta.”  
“I’m here,” I say. I see her shoulders slump down as she releases the tension in her muscles. Then she bursts into tears and I take her in my arms again, slowly rocking her body. “It was just a dream,” I whisper, although I know her dream is reality too. She calms down in my arms nonetheless, like she used to do.  
I lie down and take her with me, carefully pulling up the blanket to cover us with my one free arm. I stroke her hair with the other and she places her hand on my abdomen, balling up my shirt in her fist. I keep stroking her hair until her hand releases my shirt and creeps to my side, where she leaves it lying on my bare skin.  
“I want to protect you from these nightmares,” I whisper, “But I can’t and it makes me feel so helpless.”  
“That’s okay, Peeta,” she replies, “You do protect me, I can feel it.”  
“I want to find a shelter, light a fire.” I continue, “So you won’t get cold. I want to take away the pain. I want to give her back to you.”  
“But you can’t,” Katniss says.  
“I know I can’t,” I say, “That’s why I feel so helpless.”  
“You shouldn’t try to do something you can’t do.” Katniss whispers. “That will always leave you defeated.”  
“So I should settle for something I can accomplish?” I ask.  
“Yes,” her voice sounds small and tired, “Just hold me.”  
“I won’t let go,” I answer.

The rain has stopped and Katniss goes out to hunt. I start on the cake for her birthday tomorrow. The dough is simple. Flour, sugar, butter and eggs. I butter the mold, fold the dough on the bottom and the sides and fill it with a layer of goat cheese and on top of that a layer of apple slices. I coat the whole thing in honey and place it in the oven. Then I go to work on a couple of breads, sour dough, whole grain, one with nuts and raisins. I like to vary. After I’ve cleaned the kitchen I cross over to Haymitch’s house to see how he’s doing. I find him in his kitchen, awake and fairly sober.  
“I went to check on Katniss this morning,” he says, “But she wasn’t home.”  
“She was with me,” I tell him.  
“All night?” he asks.  
“Yes, all night.” I reply.  
He looks at me appraisingly, “Well, that’s great! And illegal.”  
“What do you mean, illegal?” I ask.  
“You’re an adult and she isn’t. New law of Panem,” he says.  
“Who cares,” I say, “Besides, we’re married.”  
“But you’re not.” Haymitch points out.  
“Engaged?” I say.  
“Doesn’t count, as long as she’s under aged, it’s illegal.” Haymitch says.  
“I couldn’t care less, Haymitch,” I retort, “It’s her birthday tomorrow, so it’s a moot point.”  
“I should report you,” Haymitch says.  
“You go and do that.” I say, while holding out a loaf to him. “You want some bread? I made one with nuts and raisins. You like that one, right?”  
“I do, thanks,” Haymitch takes the bread and examines me. “So, her birthday tomorrow, what are you going to do?”  
“I don’t know,” I shrug. “I baked a cake, but I don’t think she’s in the mood for celebrating.”  
“Why not?” Haymitch asks, “She’s sleeping with you, isn’t she?”  
“That’s all we do, we sleep.”  
“Sure, sure,” Haymitch says, “I don’t believe you.”  
“I still couldn’t care less. Whether you believe me or not, it’s the truth.” I snap at him.  
“And why is that? Why don’t you do anything more than sleep?” Haymitch slices the bread and takes a bite of the crust.  
“One step at a time, Haymitch. You told me that.” I say.  
He nods and chews and says with a full mouth, “I’ll come over for her birthday tomorrow. At her place or yours?”  
“Mine,” I reply. “We’re working on the memory book there. Bring a present.”

The next morning when we wake in my bed I tell Katniss we’re not being illegal anymore. She smiles a little at that.  
“I didn’t think you’d feel like celebrating,” I say, “but Haymitch is coming and he’ll bring a present.”  
“That’s okay,” she says, “I haven’t seen him in a while. How’s he doing?”  
“He’s fine. Good enough to tease me about being a criminal for letting you sleep in my bed.” I say, still a little annoyed at him. Katniss laughs, hearing the irritation in my voice. “Don’t tell me you let him get to you about that,” she says. The mirth in her voice makes me forget about Haymitch. I pull her to me and kiss the top of her head. “Of course not,” I say, “He’s just jealous, that’s all.”  
“Jealous of you having to wake ten times a night because of me?” Katniss says, “I don’t believe that.”  
“It’s not that bad,” I say, “Really, I don’t mind it when you wake me at night.”  
“That’s good to know,” she says. I release her from my grip and she gets out of bed and disappears in the bathroom.

Haymitch appears around lunchtime, carrying a present with him. The coloured paper and the bow around it makes me question where Haymitch got it.  
He sees the wonder in my face and explains, “Effie sent it to me a couple of days ago.”  
He walks with me to the living room where Katniss is working on the book. “Sweetheart, your phone was ringing all morning,” he says to her, “You have to tell people you moved.”  
Katniss’s face turns beet red. “I didn’t move,” she mutters.  
“Well, you don’t live there anymore,” Haymitch says, “How would you call it?”  
Katniss stares from him to me and back to him. “I don’t know,” she says finally.  
Haymitch laughs and hands her the present. “Here, Effie picked it out for you.”  
Katniss opens the present, inside is a dark green cashmere shawl. She rakes it through her fingers. “It’s beautiful,” she whispers.  
“What about you, Peeta,” Haymitch says, “Did you get her anything?”  
“I made a cake,” I say.  
“How original, for a baker,” Haymitch rolls his eyes.  
“Haymitch, shut up,” Katniss says. “Or you can’t have a piece.”

I go to the kitchen to get the cake and some tea when there’s a knock on the front door.  
“I’ll get it,” Katniss says from the living room, “So you can take care of the cake.”  
When I return to the living room, Delly’s there, sitting on the couch next to Haymitch.  
“Peeta!” she exclaims and stands up. I put the cake on the table and go to greet her.  
“Delly, I didn’t know you were here.” I say. She gives me a tight hug and beams at me.  
“I just came back from District Thirteen three days ago, I’m sorry I didn’t come to visit you earlier,” she explains. “But I remembered it’s Katniss’s birthday today so I came to see her but she wasn’t home. That’s why I came here!”  
“See,” Haymitch says to Katniss, “I told you, you have to tell people you moved.”  
“You moved?” Delly asks Katniss, who again, turns beet red.  
“She didn’t move,” I tell Delly, “She’s just not home that often.”  
“No, I moved,” Katniss says, to all our surprise, “I live here now, with Peeta.”  
“You do?!” Delly exclaims, “That’s great, Katniss. Congratulations.”  
I look at Katniss and she raises her eyebrows, as if she’s saying, ‘What? It’s true.’  
“Good,” Haymitch says, “Glad we sorted that out. Now, time for cake, baker’s boy.”  
We eat the goat’s cheese and apple pie together. Delly tells us how she got back to Twelve. She turned eighteen too a while ago and chose to return. “This is our home,” she tells us. “More people come back every day, and I’m happy to see them return.” 

In the evening Katniss calls her mother and tells her what she told Delly and Haymitch. Her announcing to people that she lives with me is a confirmation for me. We’re really moving forward. Making progress. I’m walking aimlessly through the house while Katniss is on the phone. Then an idea comes to mind. I enter our bedroom and start to clean out half of the closet for Katniss to put her clothes in. While I’m rummaging through the drawers my hand finds a small black box. I take it out and slowly open the box to see the ring with the pearl in it. I take it out and study it closely.  
Coal Pressed Into Pearls  
The inscription reminds me that we survived against the odds. That we’re still here. I didn’t give Katniss anything for her birthday, but now that I see this ring again I feel this is the right time to give it to her. She just told her mother we live together. It seems fitting.

I put the ring back into the box and take a notebook from the nightstand to write down my birthday wish for her. With the paper and the box in my hand I go downstairs. Katniss has just hung up the phone and sits silently in the rocker. When I enter the room she looks at me and smiles.  
“What did your mother say?” I ask her.  
“She said she was happy for me.” Katniss replies.  
“And are you happy?” I ask.  
She just looks at me, her eyes shining, telling me what her lips don’t say. I’m starting to feel nervous for what I’m about to do next and fidget with the piece of paper in my hand. Katniss notices it now.  
“What have you got there?” she asks.  
“I have something for you.” I say, “I’ve written it down.”  
Katniss looks up at me expectantly as I start to read from the paper.

“May you be at peace with who you are  
And may you laugh and cry with those around you near and far  
May your heart be found by love that will survive  
In all the changing seasons of your life 

And I’ll be for you  
A wall for the wind  
And a fire for the cold  
A coat for the rain  
And a friend for the road 

Together we will walk the road.”

It stays silent for a long time as we look into each other’s eyes. Finally Katniss gets up and comes towards me. She comes to a stop right in front of me. “That was beautiful,” she whispers.  
I hold out the black velvet box to her. “For you.”  
I say the exact words I said when I gave it to her the first time. She opens the box tentatively and takes out the ring. Her eyes fill with tears when she recognizes the pearl. “Where did you get this?” she asks, her voice strained with emotion.  
“Haymitch gave it to me in the hospital, in the Capitol.” I tell her, “He said they found it in the pocket of your pants. You carried it with you all that time.”  
“I did,” she says softly, her eyes still on the ring, “It reminded me of you.”  
A smile plays on her lips as she reads the inscription. “Coal pressed into pearls,” she whispers.  
“Happy birthday, Katniss,” I say.

She looks at me as a tear rolls down her cheek. Carefully I wipe it away and with my other hand I take the ring and place it on her finger. She looks at her hand and then wraps both of them around my neck. I bow my head and our foreheads touch. My arms circle around her waist and she leans in to me. Our lips reach each other slowly. She feels so warm and soft against my mouth, it’s sending shivers down my spine. We stand frozen like statues, tasting each other’s lips. Her hands at my neck, mine on the small of her back. Our bodies pressed together. After a short while she pulls away and looks into my eyes. Another tear falls on her cheek and I wipe it away again. My hand cups her chin and I press my lips against hers, more intensely now. Her lips part and my tongue gently enters her mouth, meeting hers. I’m drowning in this kiss, feeling her everywhere. Tasting her, touching her. Knowing that things can be good again.  
Katniss relaxes in my arms and returns my kiss, her tongue swirling past mine, invading my mouth. swiping over my teeth, searching, languidly. Making everything inside me grow weak. My knees buckle and I know I have to sit down. So I let my hands travel down under her buttocks and lift her up. She wraps her legs around my waist and I walk with her to the couch. There I sink down, Katniss straddled on my lap. Our mouths moving against each other. My hands caress her back while hers are in my hair. Kissing Katniss feels like fire going up and down through my body, telling every part of me that I love her and that she loves me. And that we are like coals pressed into pearls.  
Because that’s impossible, but it happened anyways.  
Finally, we break apart, gasping for air. I slowly brush away the hair from her forehead.  
“I love you,” I say softly, “I don’t think I ever told you this, I don’t think I ever said it out loud without any cameras on us. But I do, Katniss. I love you.”  
There’s no stopping her tears anymore, but she smiles through them. And her eyes are shining with that soft glow. I bend forward and kiss her again, soft and slow. We have forever.  
Katniss tastes like pine needles and forest, the way she always smells. Everything about holding her, kissing her and smelling her feels so familiar and so good. Like an old memory that surfaces.


	25. Where the demons hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So they kissed and she moved in with him. Now paradise can start... Except there are still some demons left to deal with and Peeta gets pretty terrified when Katniss dissapears on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with the sixth part of chapter 27 from Mockingjay  
> Trigger warning: this chapter contains mild sexual actions
> 
> Disclaimer: I'm not owning MJ

“Demons”  
\- Imagine Dragons

I want to hide the truth  
I want to shelter you  
But with the beast inside  
There’s nowhere we can hide

When you feel my heat  
Look into my eyes  
It’s where my demons hide  
It’s where my demons hide  
Don’t get too close  
It’s dark inside  
It’s where my demons hide  
It’s where my demons hide

Your eyes, they shine so bright  
I want to save their light  
I can't escape this now  
Unless you show me how

A late primrose is preserved between the pages of the memory book. We’re almost at the end of the month of May and the five bushes have all bloomed out, which is normal for Primroses, since they bloom in early spring.  
Katniss has dug them all out and planted them in the border at the side of my house, which is our house now. In the week after her birthday she packed all her stuff and left her house indefinitely. It went pretty fast, but after all we’ve been through it didn’t feel like it. Living together makes life better for both of us. But it doesn’t mean everything is perfect now. Katniss still has days in which she doesn’t do anything. Doesn’t even react when I talk to her. For me the same applies. There are still moments in which I’m not sure who I am. In which I question my memory. Most of it has come back to me, but there are some, especially the memories from the Games, that are distorted. I’ve seen all the footage, but seeing it is not the same as remembering it. I know that memories with a shiny quality to them, aren’t true. But that too, doesn’t bring back my real memories.

I open the book and look at the flower. My eye falls on a small note, tucked in the book. Katniss’s handwriting on it. Curious about what she would write on a separate note, I take it and read.

Peeta kissed me on my eighteenth birthday. It made me feel alive again.

That’s all, that’s all she’s written. I can’t help but smile at this. Katniss does seem a little more alive. It’s true. And I feel it too. Kissing her is reviving, it’s living. It makes me happy despite our losses and our pain. Our nightmares still wake us and leave us breathless and scared. But the arms of the person you love around you mends a lot. It calms me down again.  
Most of my nightmares are about losing Katniss, like they used to be. Last night the jabberjays came and attacked me, all of them had Katniss’s voice. Screaming my name, screaming for me to come and save her. But they were jabberjays and there was nothing I could do but crawl up in a ball. Often, when I wake up after a dream like that Katniss is screaming in reality too. Last night was the same. I managed to wake her and scoop her up in my arms. Stroking her hair, showering her with kisses and whispering soothing words until she fell asleep again. Nights like these are hard. 

The kitchen door opens and Katniss enters, her game bag filled, bow in hand. It’s not necessary for her to hunt anymore. The Capitol provides all the districts with enough food. There’s a new system which divides the food over the districts and the Capitol equally. But Katniss hunts anyway, fresh game is convenient and she likes doing it. I walk to the kitchen to greet her.  
“How was your morning?” I ask.  
“Good, they were easy prey,” she removes a couple of squirrels out of her game bag. “And I found an early batch of strawberries.”  
“Oh strawberries! I love them, I could make a cake.” I say.  
“That would be nice,” Katniss says. She stands awkwardly next to the table and looks forlorn. I want to come towards her and hold her and kiss her but something keeps me back.  
“What’s wrong?” I ask, “Did something happen?”  
She shakes her head. “No, nothing happened. I’m going to lie down for a bit.”  
She walks past me to the hall and up the stairs. Without giving me a second glance, without touching me. The familiar feeling of rejection creeps up in me. 

It’s been three weeks since Katniss’s birthday and the amazing kiss we shared. We didn’t do anything else but kiss. I wanted too, but I keep telling myself, one step at the time. And Katniss is in no rush either. We’ve kissed since that day, so much so that our lips became sore. Katniss also instructed me to shave better, because she finds the stubble on my jaw a little rough on her skin.  
But for the past couple of days Katniss has been less forward, less eager. And I don’t know what causes it. During the night she clings to me, holds on like I’m her last hope. But when the day comes it seems like she’s avoiding me. I can’t help but take it as a rejection, but I have a feeling there’s more to it than that. It’s like there’s something inside her that’s darkening her thoughts. 

I decide to call Dr. Aurelius and question him about it. After two rings he answers.  
“Peeta, how have you been?” the doctor sounds rather cheerful.  
“I’m fine, doctor,” I tell him, “I’m calling you because of Katniss. I worry about her.”  
In the next five minutes I explain to Dr. Aurelius how Katniss behaves and how that makes me feel. I also tell him about the note in the memory book.  
“I believe you’re right with your instincts that it’s something inside her,” Dr. Aurelius says, “I don’t think she’s rejecting you, the note proofs that. It looks more like she’s rejecting herself.”  
“Why do you think she does that?” I ask the doctor, although I can think of some reasons.  
“Guilt,” doctor Aurelius says instantly, “Maybe something more, I’d have to talk to her about it. Can you ask her to call me?”  
“I will,” I answer, “But I don’t know if she’ll listen.”  
“Peeta, you can’t heal her, it takes time, remember that,” the doctor tells me. “The best thing you can do is stay strong for her and don’t forget to live your own life.”  
“I can’t live a life without her, doctor,” I say, “There’s no point to it.”  
“What have you been doing this past week?” he asks.  
“Painting, baking,” I sum up, “I’ve been to the square once again.”  
“How was that?”  
“Painful, although I didn’t have a complete breakdown like the first time.” I say.  
“You’re doing a good job, going out and doing things for yourself. It’s all part of learning to live again. For yourself, regardless of how Katniss is faring. And I really think you should consider the bakery,” Dr. Aurelius says. He’s said that before. He wants me to start my life. Open a new bakery in the district. But I can’t do it right now. The pain is too much, the memories too fresh.  
“I don’t know,” I say.  
“At least consider it Peeta, it would be good for you.” He asks me again to tell Katniss she needs to call him, and then hangs up the phone.  
With the receiver still in my hand I stare at the painting above the fire place. It’s a painting of the meadow in early spring. Flowers of different colors grow everywhere and the sun sets behind a large maple tree. I made it before the Quell. And somehow it brings me a sense of peace, this painting. As if it’s promising me life will be like that once more in the future. One thing at the time, I tell myself yet again and I leave our house to pay Haymitch a short visit. 

“Took your advice,” Haymitch tells me as soon as I enter his house.  
“About what?” I ask.  
“I ordered some pets,” he makes a face, “Geese.”  
“Geese?” I’m quite stunned to hear this. “Why geese, Haymitch?”  
“They’re easy, I don’t have to do much, they can manage to live without extra help from me,” he explains. “And they lay eggs. I like eggs, for breakfast. And how about roasted goose, huh! Doesn’t that sound like something you’d want to eat?”  
“Sounds good, albeit a little weird,” I say, “When do they come?”  
“Probably next train from the Capitol, and Effie’s coming with them.”  
“No! Effie’s coming? That’s great!” I exclaim, “I have to tell Katniss. When is the next train? Tomorrow?”  
“I think so, yes.” Haymitch says while he takes the loaf of bread I brought him and slices off the crust.  
“I hope Katniss will like it, a visit from Effie.” I say. “She seems a little off these last few days.”  
Haymitch shrugs, “Women.”  
“That’s all you have to say about that?” I ask, “You’re not much of a mentor, Haymitch. You kind of suck at this. Can’t you give me some advice about what to do? How to help her?”  
“What’s the problem?” Haymitch says, “ I mean, I saw her two days ago, she seems fine to me, given the circumstances.”  
“I don’t know what the problem is,” I tell him, “She’s avoiding me. Something is wrong but she won’t answer my questions.”  
“Maybe it’s some women thing, better wait for Effie to come.” Haymitch suggests. He hands a slice of bread to me but I wave it away. “I just ate lunch, thanks.” I say, “I’m going to tell her about Effie and see if I can get her to talk to me.”  
“Good luck,” Haymitch mutters, as I walk out of his house. 

“Katniss!” I call while I climb the stairs to the bedroom. “Katniss, I have some news!”  
I open the bedroom door and find the bed empty. That’s weird, she said she was going to lie down. I walk to the bathroom but that’s empty too. “Katniss?” I yell, “Where are you?”  
Silence is the only answer I get and I’m immediately panicked. I’m trying to calm myself down by saying she’s probably somewhere else in the house. But my gut instinct tells me something different. It tells me she’s not here anymore. I search through the house, in closets, behind the pipe from the chimney. In rooms that aren’t used. In my own room, where I do my paintings. She’s nowhere to be found.  
After I’m completely sure I’ve searched every inch of the house I go outside. “Katniss!” I’m practically screaming now. The Victor’s Village is empty and no one answers my calls. The feeling of panic increases and it seems as if I’m suffocating. I run towards Haymitch’s house. I find him sitting in the kitchen, still working on my bread, accompanied by a bottle of white liquor.  
“Haymitch, I can’t find her anywhere.” I say, out of breath.  
“What are you talking about?” he asks.  
“Katniss,” I get out, “She’s not here anymore.”  
I explain to Haymitch how Katniss said she was going to take a nap but I found the house empty. “Do you have any idea where she could be?” I ask. Haymitch shakes his head, “Maybe she’s in her own house?” he asks, “Although that wouldn’t make sense.”  
I’m already out of his door and running to Katniss’s house. All the doors are locked, no one has moved in yet, since Katniss left. Maybe she used her key and locked it from the inside after going in. So I break a window in the kitchen door and enter the house. “Katniss, are you here?” I yell. Haymitch is stumbling after me. “It’s no use,” he says, “Even if she’s here, she’s not going to answer you. She never does.”

Together we search the house, every room, every closet, but this house too, is empty.  
“Let’s try your house, Haymitch.” I suggest. I know it doesn’t make much sense, since we just came from his house, but I’m beyond rational ideas at this point. Haymitch just nods, a worried look on his face now, which is rare. Unsurprisingly, Haymitch’s house comes up empty as well and so does the shed. I’m close to tears as the fear is getting to me. “Something happened to her,” I say, “Someone came and killed her.”  
“Of course not,” Haymitch says impatiently, “Don’t be ridiculous. I thought you were cured from that hijacking.”  
“But where is she, then?!” I cry out and I bury my face in my hands. “I’m scared, Haymitch, I’m so afraid.” I can’t hold back the tears anymore.  
Suddenly Haymitch grips my shoulders. “Pull it together, Mellark. Stop acting like a big baby,” he says sternly, “She’s somewhere, we’re going to search and we’re going to find her. Remember before the Quell, how she was stuck behind the fence. Everything turned out fine then, and it will turn out fine now too. Okay?”  
I look in his grey Seam eyes and nod. He’s right. “Okay.” His reminder of the last time Katniss was missing brings me an idea. “Maybe she’s in the woods?”  
“That makes sense,” Haymitch says, “Let’s go.”  
I’m about to take off but Haymitch insists on bringing food and water, a first aid kit and a flashlight. “We don’t know how long we’ll be there,” he says, “It’s going to be dark in a few hours.”  
“It’s four in the afternoon,” I protest, “It won’t get dark until nine.”  
“But we don’t know if we’ll be back at nine, now, do we?” Haymitch points out. “Better safe than sorry.”

We enter the woods behind the village and follow the path that was made by Katniss’s boots. I closely examine the broken twigs. “I think she was here, not that long ago.” I say.  
Haymitch was right to bring a flashlight and food. We search for hours and eventually it begins to get dark. Hope has deserted me when Haymitch finally suggests going home.  
“Maybe she’s there,” he says, “Maybe she came back.”  
“No, she didn’t” I say desperately, “She’s gone and I have to find her.”  
“It’s too late now, Peeta.” Haymitch says as he grabs my arm, “Let’s go back.”  
I struggle but Haymitch insists and his grip on my arm is too strong. He takes me back to the fence and leads me to my house. “Go to sleep, as soon as the sun’s up tomorrow, we’ll resume the search,” he says, “Katniss is capable of spending a night in the woods.”  
“She’s not capable of it now,” I say.  
“Yes, she is! You’ll see tomorrow when we find her again,” Haymitch says and with that he leaves me alone.  
But I can’t do it. I can’t sleep, instead I sit on the couch for about half an hour, waiting for a little energy to return. And when it does I’m out of the door again, into the dark of the night, back to the forest.

I’ve been in the forest for an hour or two, calling her name, feeling more lost every minute. I realize I don’t even know which route I took and how to go back home from here. Looking around, searching for something that looks familiar, my eye catches something. The flashlight is pointed at the huge tree in front of me and in one of the lowest branches a light shimmering is visible, it’s as if something gold is up that tree. Something small, like a piece of jewellery. A ring, maybe. I’m at the tree in a few strides and shine the beam of light upwards in the direction of the shimmering. There’s a shadowy figure on the branch, someone is sitting in this tree. “Katniss?” I say. There’s no reaction, but who else can it be? I have no other choice than climbing the tree. It’s something I never was any good at, but the urgency to get to Katniss as fast as I can makes me forget about it and I climb the tree as if it’s something I do every day.  
When I reach the branch and see it’s really her, I feel a relief so great, I almost fall out of the tree. I manage to stay put by grasping the trunk and go to sit next to her on the large branch.  
Without any hesitation I pull her onto my lap and wrap my arms around her. She’s cold, but she’s conscious and she doesn’t seem injured. I brush the hair from her forehead and press her body close to me. We sit like this for several minutes, not speaking, I just hold on to her without the intention of ever letting go.  
“I thought you were afraid of heights,” Katniss whispers finally. I’m so happy to hear her voice again that I let out a laugh. “Terrified,” I confess, “But not as terrified as I am of losing you.”  
She doesn’t react but I feel her head shift against my chest and her hand reaches for mine. Both her hands are so cold, I take them in my own and try to rub some warmth in them.  
“Why are you here?” I ask her while I continue to massage her hands.  
“I needed to hide,” Katniss says softly.  
“To hide from what? From me?” I ask.  
“No,” she shakes her head a little, “From the beast inside. But it’s useless, I can’t hide from something that’s inside of me.”  
“What are you saying?” I ask again, “That there’s a beast inside of you?”  
“It’s my fault, you know,” she says.  
“What is?” I probe, “What is your fault?”  
She doesn’t answer but instead hides her face in my jacket. I pull her closer to me, feeling a bit unstable on this branch, even though we’re not that high above the ground.

“Katniss, I don’t want to force you into saying things you don’t want to say, or doing things you don’t want to do.” I plead, “But if you don’t say anything, if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help you.”  
“But that’s just it, you can’t help me, Peeta. You can’t,” she’s trying to fight back the tears, unsuccessfully. “You can’t just come here and fix everything, it doesn’t work like that. I’m broken.”  
“I refuse to believe that.” I say. “You’re not broken, you’re hurt, but there’s still a life to live. Look at me, look at Haymitch. Look at the others who came back to Twelve. We can do it, so you can do it too.”  
“But I’m not like you,” Katniss murmurs, “I’m not as strong as you are.”  
“But you are,” I retort, “You are strong! You just don’t see it yourself. Please, talk to me Katniss, don’t leave me in the dark like this. Don’t hide away from me. I need you.”  
“Why on earth would you need me, Peeta? I have nothing left to give,” she sounds so desperate.  
“Yes, you have,” I say, “You give me so much already. You give me a reason to live.”  
Again she doesn’t reply, but she shivers on my lap. “Let me take you home,” I whisper in her ear, “Let me take care of you and let me in, Katniss. Let me in.”  
She nods, moves off my lap and climbs down the tree. When I come down after her she gives me a small smile which makes my heart leap. “I’m impressed at your climbing skills,” she says.  
“Yeah, I’m learning new things every day,” I say and I take her hand. “Let’s go, you’re cold. And I don’t even know where we are.”  
“I know where we are,” Katniss says, “It’s not that far.”  
Even so it takes us a good hour before we arrive back at the village. Katniss was so cold I gave her my jacket. Sitting frozen in a tree for so many hours made her limbs grow stiff and she can’t seem to warm up, even with the extra layer of clothing. Once we’re inside the fence, her knees buckle and she sinks down on the ground. “I’m sorry,” she whispers, I notice she’s shivering all over as I kneel down next to her. “I can’t walk anymore.”  
I lift her up in my arms and carry her home and straight to bed. Knowing Haymitch will be worried and probably not asleep, the first thing I do next is call him from the study to tell him she’s home. Then I return hastily to the bedroom. 

Katniss lies shaking under the blanket. I take it off and remove her clothes, leaving her in just her underwear. Then I pull the blanket back over her and get a second one from the closet.  
“I’m going to make you tea,” I say.  
“No,” she shakes her head, “I don’t want tea. Stay with me?”  
I’m jolted back to that fateful day in the sewer when she asked me the same thing. And further back, that day when she broke her foot. There’s so much she asks me with just this simple question. And so much I want to give her in return. I nod, take off my shoes and crawl into the bed next to her. She shifts towards me and once she’s in my arms again I whisper the only answer possible, “Always.”  
I stroke her hair and tell her to go to sleep, “But tomorrow we’ll talk,” I say.  
“I can talk now,” she answers, “I’m not that tired, I slept in that tree.”  
“Okay,” I say, “Tell me, please. What’s bothering you?”  
“It’s just too much. Too many people died, Peeta. And I am still alive. For what?” she sits up and looks me in the eyes, “They keep accusing me, telling me that I deserve to die too and they’re right. I should die. But now, here you are. And you told me you love me. I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve your love. I wish you could see that too.”  
“You think you deserve to die?” I ask. She nods and looks at me defiantly, challenging me to prove her wrong.  
“How can you know who deserves to live and who deserves to die? Is there some rulebook that says so?” I say.  
“No,” she says, confused. “But I – .”  
“There’s no saying who deserves to live or die. What are we basing that on, anyway?” I interrupt her, “There’s no law that tells us what we deserve. These things don’t make sense. These questions don’t have answers. My father told me that there are many questions without answers. I think the questions that do have answers are the ones that really matter.”  
“Like what?” Katniss asks.  
“I asked myself the same questions, you know. Why did they die? My friends, my family. And why am I still alive?” I say softly, while I’m trailing my hand through her hair. “I don’t know the answer, Katniss. But I do know that we have to make their deaths count. We have to live well and we can’t give up. That’s why we made the book, remember? So the real question is, what are you going to do with the time that is given to you? Are you going to waste it, or will you make it worthwhile again.”  
Katniss takes my hand in hers and looks into my eyes. Her eyes are shining silver.  
“Things can be good again, I believe that. We have to work hard for it, definitely. But there’s a future for us.” I say. “And that has nothing to do with deserving. Love isn’t about deserving or owing. Love never asks for anything in return, it’s self-giving in its very nature.” I reach out my hand and caress her cheek. “Your eyes” I whisper, “They shine so bright. I want to save their light.”  
Katniss wipes away the tears that are slowly falling down her face now. “You really believe things can be good again?” she asks.  
“Yes, I really believe that.” I say. 

I pull her back in my arms and press my lips to hers. She returns my kiss as she parts her lips and slowly but intensely we move our mouths together. Happiness surges through me at this surprising turnaround. Katniss is open and giving again, swirling her tongue around mine. Her taste overwhelms me. My hands are on her back, in her hair, holding her to me. I want to feel her, everything about her. I want to make her mine. Her hands become more insistent too, as she slips them under my shirt allowing them to roam over my back. She starts to unbutton my shirt and I take it off. Her fingers are making patterns on my bare shoulders, my chest. She presses her body against me and I feel her breasts through her thin undergarment. It arouses me to no end. I feel my heart hammering in my chest while my own hands are gliding beneath her clothes and caress her waist and her back. Moving them further up until they’re under her arms and press the swell of her breasts. There I come to a stop, feeling shy about taking this to the next level. But Katniss places her hands on my arms and tugs at them, urging me to move. Then her hands are on my chest again, stroking me tenderly. All this time our lips are still pressed together, our tongues twirling in a dance of their own. Slowly I move my hands forward and cup her breasts. She gives a moan against my mouth, telling me she gives her consent. I stroke the soft skin and rub my thumbs over her nipples. Her breasts are perfectly round and soft, the nipples harden under my touch. She feels absolutely amazing.  
We kiss for a long time, while our hands caress and touch, exploring each other. We finally break apart to catch our breath. We look into each other’s eyes. My hands still on her breasts, under her top. Her hands on my shoulders. This is good for now. One step at the time. I slide my hands to her back and press her against me in a tight hug. “I promised you I’d stay with you,” I whisper in her ear, “Now please, don’t leave me again.”  
“I won’t,” she whispers back, “I promise.”  
We sleep without nightmares that night.

The next day during breakfast, I tell Katniss that Effie’s coming and Haymitch plans to tend geese.  
“How is he going to do that?” she asks, laughing out loud at the idea.  
“I have no idea, I’ll tell you that.” I answer and I’m laughing too. Because of the geese, but even more because I’m so happy to see her laugh again.  
“Well,” says Katniss, “Fortunately, geese can take pretty good care of themselves.”


	26. My heritage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta and Katniss are happy to find out Effie is going to visit them. But she's bound to make some stupid remarks, will that lead to problems? And how is Haymitch doing with his geese?  
> The bakery is forcing itself on Peeta. He doesn't know what to do with it? Be part of the rebuilding? Become a baker? Or not... Moving on can be difficult sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with the seventh part of chapter 27 from Mockingjay  
> Trigger warning: this chapter contains sexual actions.  
> Disclaimer: I don't own THG-MJ, Suzanne does.

“Song of Solomon”  
\- Martin Smith

When I feel the cold of winter  
And this cloak of sadness  
I need you  
All the evil things that shake me  
All the words that break me  
I need you

Over the mountains  
Over the sea  
Here you come running  
My lover, to me.

Do not hide me from your presence  
Pull me from these shadows  
I need you  
Beauty, wrap your arms around me  
Sing your song of kindness  
I need you

Over the mountains  
Over the sea  
Here you come running  
My lover, back to me  
All through the valleys  
Through the dark of night  
Here you come running  
To hold me ‘til it’s light

We're not alone anymore, because we have each other now. And she loves me, even though she never said it with so many words. But I know it to be true, despite the events from yesterday. She wasn’t rejecting me. It’s a truth that’s buried somewhere deep inside of me. Running through my blood, resonating in my bones. I love her and she loves me. There will come a day when she says it out loud too. When I close my eyes I can conjure up the feeling of her hands on my back, on my chest. Tracing the patterns of my scars, while our mouths collide. It’s so amazing to me, that she’s in my arms, where she belongs.  
I look at her, sitting at the other side of the breakfast table. A smile still plays on her lips at the thought of Haymitch’s geese. She’s looking through the memory book, searching for pages she wants to show Effie.

The phone rings in the study and I go to answer it. Haymitch sounds less inebriated than usual. “How is she?” he asks.  
“She’s doing well now,” I tell him, “We talked yesterday, and that was good. Things needed to be said.”  
“You’re always good in saying things that need to be said,” Haymitch says, “Effie called from the train, it arrives at noon. Do you two want to come and pick her up from the train station?”  
“Yes, sure, we’ll come.” I say.

Half an hour before the train arrives, Katniss, Haymitch and I leave the Victor’s Village and go to the train station. We have to pass the square. It’s been completely emptied since the first time I came. There are no ruins left. Everything is clean and ready for rebuilding. I think about Dr. Aurelius’s suggestion and sigh. Can I be part of this rebuilding? Rebuild our bakery and start working in it? Become a baker, like my father was? They need it, here in District Twelve. More people who are capable of baking or butchering, or running an apothecary. A few hundred of the other citizens from Twelve have returned from Thirteen. The houses in Victor’s Village are all inhabited, except for Katniss’s old house. But that will soon be assigned to someone as well. For now, Effie’s going to stay there. There’s no hotel here, Haymitch’s place is not an option and I didn’t want her in our house, because I’m just not sure how Katniss will handle it.  
The rest of the population live in emergency buildings while the construction sites pop up everywhere. Houses are rebuilt, better and bigger than they were before. The mines are all closed, they’re too dangerous and the government has found alternative sources of energy. The sun, the wind, the sea, apparently energy is everywhere around us. We just have to find a way to guide it to our ovens and heaters and electrical devices. Thankfully, District Three harbours a lot of geniuses like Beetee, and they know how to deal with this.  
In the beginning of May machines were delivered from the Capitol. They’re going to build a factory here for producing medicines. Other machines arrive for working the ground. Crops are sown. The idea is that every district becomes a little more self-providing. This is, just as the new energy sources, better for our planet and therefore better for us. We’ve started treating the earth better. We’re thinking ahead now, knowing the planet needs to be preserved for generations to come. It fills me with a feeling of hope, these minor things. Hope that maybe this will be it, that we’re done fighting, and we’ll start to work on a better life.

The train arrives on time, as if Effie’s in charge of its schedule. When she steps on the platform I immediately recognize her. She’s unchanged. Wearing the same gold metallic wig she wore when I was still in the Capitol. Leather boots with high heels and a hot pink dress. She smiles when she sees us and waves. “Hello! It is so good to see you,” she exclaims. Both Katniss and I get a hug from her and she kisses us on our cheeks. Haymitch just gives her a curt nod. “Where are the geese?” he asks.  
“They have a special cart reserved for the animals at the back,” Effie says, “Thankfully, because they smell.” She looks as if the whole idea of animals is quite disgusting. Haymitch walks to the back of the train while Effie asks us how we’re doing.  
“Thank you, for the shawl you got me,” Katniss says, not really answering her question.  
“Yes, wasn’t it the most beautiful thing?” Effie says beaming, “It’s real pashmina. Very expensive and very rare.”  
Effie looks down at our entwined hands and when she looks up again I see the tears in her eyes. “Are you happy, together?” she asks.  
To my relief Katniss nods and smiles at Effie who takes her other hand and examines the pearl on her finger. “You gave it to her!” she says to me.  
“Yes, on her birthday.” I tell her. “And yes, we’re happy, considering the circumstances. It’s hard, because we miss our families and so much more that was lost during the war. But we have each other, and Haymitch.”  
“Haymitch,” Effie mumbles, “What good is he?”  
“Shall we go home?” Katniss suggests, “We made lunch.”  
“That’s a great idea!” Effie says, “I’d love to see your home. Haymitch told me you live together now. In your house?”  
“No, in Peeta’s house.” Katniss says. She looks over her shoulder to where Haymitch is approaching us with a big pen with four geese in it. “There’s another pen, with four more, I’m going to find a cart to transport them.”  
“I’ll help you with that,” I say, taking over the pen from Haymitch while he gets the other one.  
“Maybe you two should order a car to get you to the Village,” I suggest to Katniss and Effie.  
“I prefer walking,” Katniss says.  
“Yes, but Effie –” I say.  
“I can walk,” Effie says, “I’m not just here to visit you, you know! I have to make a report on the progress of District Twelve, so walking would be good. I could catch a glimpse of it. They’re going to send in cameras too. They’ll probably be here tomorrow.  
I feel Katniss stiffen next to me at the mentioning of cameras. “We’re not going to be filmed,” I say to both of them.  
“No, no, no! They’re here to film the progress, the rebuilding. The Department of Recuperation wants to see it. Some of the government officials are coming too, but they want it on film to study how the districts develop and what is needed for each district to improve.” Effie explains as she takes in our concerned faces. “Don’t you worry about it, I’ll make sure you won’t be on camera. As a matter of fact, they won’t come to Victor’s Village at all, because there’s no need. And they’ll be here for just a couple of days.”  
Katniss and I relax at her words. “So, would you like a tour through the district after lunch?” Katniss asks.  
“That would be nice,” Effie says, and she pats her arm, “That is, if you’re up to it.”

The lunch consists of a turkey roasted in the oven, with potatoes and a fresh salad, followed by a dessert of strawberry cake with whipped cream. We eat ourselves full while Effie tells us news from other districts. Every district has the same story. Cleaning up the rubble, rebuilding houses, starting new factories. “District Two is still in a pretty bad shape,” Effie says, “The resistance was strong there and as you know, after the rebels blew up the Nut there was chaos for a long time. Fortunately there’s some strong military leadership there now, so it’s going better.”  
I see Katniss flinch a little at Effie’s words and place my hand on hers. “Are you okay?” I ask. She nods but Effie picked it up. “Oh yes, of course,” she says, “It’s your cousin who’s in charge there.”  
“Gale?” I ask. Effie nods. “He’s not her cousin,” I say tersely, “I thought that lie would be cleared up by now.”  
Effie stares at me in wonder. “I ... uhm, I’m sorry. I thought –”  
“I really hate it that people still believe these fabrications from the Capitol.” I say angrily, as I get up and take the plates to bring to the counter.  
“I don’t think a lot of people still believe he was her cousin, if they even believed it in the first place,” Haymitch says, “Anyways, it doesn’t matter anymore now, does it?”  
“Yes, it does.” I say to him, while I slam the plates on the counter with such force that one of them breaks, causing Effie to gasp. “You should understand by now that it is important. At least to me it is, what is real and what not.”

Katniss gets up from her chair and walks towards me. She wraps her arms around me and says, “You’re right, it is important. Gale wasn’t my cousin. He was my best friend. My hunting partner. He meant the world to me once.”  
I look into her eyes, surprised at this confession. “And I’m not going to lie to you or anyone about that,” she continues, “And about the fact that I miss him. Too much has happened and he’s gone now. But when I’m in the woods, hunting, I miss him.”  
She lays her head against my chest and presses her body closer to me. It’s as if the pain she feels radiates off of her and I can feel it too. Carefully I return her hug and hold her tight. “It’s okay,” I whisper, “Of course you miss him, that’s only logical.”  
“But not in the way you think, maybe,” she says while she looks up at me.  
“I have to confess that I didn’t really give it much thought until now,” I say, thinking about Gale and my last encounter with him. What about her? he’d asked, as if he was indifferent.  
“Oh, and what do you think now?” Katniss asks.  
I caress her cheek with my hand and push a strand of hair behind her ear. “I think you miss him, like you just said, because he was your best friend.” I say softly, “I miss my best friend too.”  
We stand in an embrace for several minutes, sharing each other’s loss. It’s a bit weird, with all the history that she shared with Gale, but I believe her and I understand her pain. My mind wanders to Nick. How he was always there for me, how I could say anything to him. He came with advice, he made me laugh. He put things in perspective for me. He told me to get over Katniss, right before the Victory Tour. I can’t help but smile a little at the memory. I miss him so much. I bury my face in Katniss’s hair and forget my surroundings as I mourn him in silence.  
Another thought occurs to me. Nick is dead. But Gale isn’t. How must that be for Katniss? She lost so many people, even her own sister who was everything to her. But there are people who are still alive too. Why aren’t they here? What’s Gale doing in Two? And her mother in Four? I can’t believe they abandoned her like this. I tighten my arms around her and whisper in her ear, “I’ll never leave you.”

“Oh no!” Haymitch’s yell breaks Katniss and me apart as he jumps up and disappears out of the room. We all walk to the window and see him chasing after the geese. Apparently they broke out of the pen and are roaming through Victor’s Village. Katniss bursts out in laughter. “This is going to be hilarious,” she says, “Watching Haymitch trying to tame those geese.”  
“We’d better help him,” I suggest.  
Effie stays inside while Katniss and I help Haymitch collect the geese.  
“I think we should build a small fence around your garden, Haymitch,” Katniss says. “These pens are too small. The geese need space.”  
Haymitch mutters something unintelligible which makes us both laugh again. 

After all the geese are collected, we stroll with the four of us through the center of the town and pass what used to be the Hob on our way to the Seam. Katniss points to Effie where her former house used to be. Effie scrabbles on a notepad. “Do you like working for the Department of Recuperation?” I ask her.  
She looks up from her pad and smiles at me. “Yes, I enjoy it. It’s different from what I used to do.”  
“And is different better?” Katniss asks, I hear the warning in her voice.  
Effie comes to a halt in the middle of the streets. “I know what you think, about me being an escort and how the Games were horrifying for you. And I’m sorry, Katniss, I truly am.”  
They’re eyeing each other up and for a moment I’m scared Katniss is going to walk away, but in the end she just nods and resumes walking.  
At the end of the Seam, we reach the Meadow. It’s turned into a mass grave of the people of Twelve. I was here a couple of weeks ago and was horrified by the change. But now a sheen of green grass is covering the dark soil.  
“It’s turning green again,” Katniss says. She looks happy and a smile plays on her lips as she squats down and strokes the grass. “Here, look! There are already dandelions growing,” she points to a small plant between the little blades of grass. “They are so strong, these flowers, they always come back and they survive everything.”  
“Is that why you like them so much?” I ask her.  
“It’s part of it,” she says as she gets up and takes my hand. “And they remind me of you. You’ve survived everything too, and you always come back to me.”  
“Not anymore, though,” I say, and I caress her cheek. “Because I’m staying now.”  
“Good.”  
Haymitch lets out a small cough and I look up and see a scowl on his face. “You two really live in your own little universe, don’t you,” he grumbles.  
“Oh, Haymitch. Leave them be. They’re teenagers in love, what did you expect?” Effie chides him.  
“I expected it to be less cheesy.” Haymitch says and he turns to Katniss, “Especially from you. Where’s your usual sunny personality?”  
Katniss scowls back at him but doesn’t comment. Instead she turns to Effie, “Ready to finish the tour?”

Effie stays for a week. On the days that the camera crew is in town, Katniss and I make sure not to leave the Victor’s Village. Instead we help Haymitch build a fence for the geese. We share our meals with the four of us, which is strangely familiar although we are in such a different setting. No one’s preparing anyone for another arena or another district to visit. Instead we talk about casual things. The weather. Other districts. People we all know. Effie tells us Annie is expecting the baby early in July. Johanna has moved back to District Seven. We don’t hear much from her, but fortunately she didn’t kill Enobaria, who moved back to her own district as well. Somehow we’ve grown attached to them, our districts. They are our homes.  
On Effie’s last day we take her back to the train, but before that we visit the town’s square. I point out where the bakery once stood.  
“Are you going to build a new one?” Effie asks me.  
“The government is going to build new shops and one of them would be a bakery, most likely,” I say, “But I don’t know if I’ll be a part of it.”  
“Why not? You love baking.” Effie asks.  
“I don’t know if I’m up to it, though,” I say softly, “So many memories.” I bite my lip and Katniss squeezes my hand.  
“Of course,” Effie says, a concerned look on her face as she lays her hand on my shoulder, “I understand, it must be painful.”  
After the train leaves Katniss and I walk back to the square and come to a standstill on the place where the bakery would be. “What are you thinking?” Katniss asks.  
“I’m thinking I owe it to them, my parents, my brothers,” I say, looking around in the empty space.  
“But do you want to do it?” she asks, “I understand what you mean, about owing, but you don’t have to rush into it.”  
“You’re right,” I say, “I’ll think about it a little more.”  
“You don’t have to decide today,” Katniss says. “Come, let’s go home.”

In the following weeks I’m going back and forth thinking about the bakery. A part of me wants it more than anything. Another part wants to run away and hide. The pressure, the responsibility, I don’t know if I can handle it. There are days in which I barely hang on. Nights in which Katniss wakes me three or four times from her nightmares. Running a bakery on top of that, I don’t know if I can handle it. Katniss says I shouldn’t do it alone, but who is here to help me? No one’s left. I’d have to teach someone else from scratch. But the idea of giving it up altogether is awful too. The bakery is my heritage. I actually have the official right to it as well. The government is going to rebuild it and then I can have it. It’s mine to take. If someone else wants it, they’d have to ask me and I’d have to sign to the fact that I’ve renounced it. That’s something I can’t do. I can’t renounce my own bakery.  
The whole thing gives me sleepless nights. Until one day I receive a call from the new mayor. “I have someone at my desk who came from another district,” the mayor tells me, “And he used to work in a bakery. I’ve asked if he wants to take it from you, but he said he didn’t want to do it alone. So I was thinking, maybe you can meet with him and see if you two can work something out?”  
Delly, who’s having a cup of tea with me, tells me it’s a great idea. “And I could come work for you too,” she says, “I know a great deal about the bakery, you know that. And I would like it.”  
“You would want to work for me?” I ask, “Wouldn’t that be weird?”  
“Why would it be weird?” she says, “I think it would be great. Katniss would love it too!”  
“As long as I don’t forget to make cheese buns by the bucket full for her.” I say, smiling.

Delly turns out to be right. When Katniss returns from hunting and I tell her about the plan, she’s enthusiastic. “In this way, you won’t have all the responsibility,” she says, “So you can stay home when needed.”  
With that idea in mind I call the mayor and set up a meeting with the man, whose name is Garrett. He’s from District Ten. I take Delly with me and the three of us have a good talk. It turns out that Garrett has brought his two young sons from District Ten with him. Their mother died during the revolution. That’s why he left his district, too many bad memories. And that’s also why he can’t run a bakery on his own. “I need to be there for my kids.”  
We agree that he can live in the house that will be built on top of the bakery. I will stay in Victor’s Village. It’s going to take a while before everything will be ready, but I’m excited at the prospect.

That night in bed I have trouble getting to sleep. A thousand thoughts run through my mind. Will my parents like it? Do they agree with this whole idea? At one point I get out of bed and walk into the warm summer night. The stars are shining down on me. I try to find my answer in them, thinking my parents are up there and they’ll know what I should do. But stars don’t speak, they shine. So after half an hour of staring at the sky I give up and go back to bed. 

The mountains have snow caps. It’s cold, it’s winter. There are heavy clouds in the air, indicating snow is coming. A cloak of sadness is covering me. “You have to do this on your own,” says my father’s voice, “We’re not here anymore.”  
“But I need you,” I say back.  
“You don’t need me,” he replies, “You can do this.”  
I feel his presence disappearing in the mist and I turn in circles, trying to find anyone. But I’m alone.  
She’s coming towards me, running from over the mountains. Her arms spread, ready to catch me in her embrace. Katniss.  
As she approaches me she wraps her arms around me and buries her face in my neck. “I need you,” she says. I close my arms around her and think it will be alright. A beam of sunlight is shining down on us.  
But the darkness is approaching. Long hands come from the shadows and they take her from me. I start screaming. “No, Katniss, don’t go!”  
The shadows are pulling at me too. Messalla is caught in the beam of light, his body melting to wax. A mutt is tearing Finnick apart. Prim is burning. And Katniss is gone. I’m alone. Everyone is dead and I am going under again. Too much that has been lost, and it cannot be regained.

“Peeta,” I hear my name whispered in my ears. “Peeta, please wake up, please wake up!” Her lips brush my ear, but it can’t be true because she’s gone. I’m thinking this must be some sort of trick.  
“Peeta, please!” Again her voice, more urgent now, “It’s just a dream. Please, wake up!” She’s shaking my arms. My eyes fly open and the first thing I see is the ceiling of my own bedroom. I’m gasping for breath, and let out a strangled cry of fear. Katniss pulls me in her arms. She places my head on her chest. I feel her breasts against my cheek and her hand in my hair while she whispers to me, “It’s okay, it’s not real.”  
I am rigid with tension when Katniss takes my hand and puts it under her clothes onto her bare waist. “Here, feel this, feel me,” she says as she presses my head even closer to her breasts with her other hand. “I am real. I am here.”  
“Are you really here?” I whisper.  
“I’m here, and I’m not leaving,” Katniss says.  
“But you were gone, the shadows, they took you from me.” I say against her breasts, still not really believing it.  
“I know,” she says, “But it was just a dream. It’s not real. You can feel me, can’t you?”  
“Yes,” I say slowly, “I feel you.”  
“I’ll sing,” she whispers and begins to sing a soft song. It’s a song for children really. The same song she sang for Rue. But I only hear one line.

Here’s the place where I love you.

“Katniss, I need you. Will you hold me?” I whisper, “Hold me until it’s light.”  
“I will,” she says, while she tightens her grip on me, “I won’t let you go.”

When I wake up in the morning I’m still in her arms. My head’s lying on her chest. As I look up I see she’s awake. Her hand trailing absentmindedly through my hair.  
“Hi,” she says, “How are you feeling?”  
“Tired.” I say.  
“We can stay in bed for a little while longer,” she says, “We have no plans.”  
“That sounds nice,” I say. I shift my body so we’re lying face to face. “I’m sorry about last night,” I say.  
“You don’t have to be sorry, Peeta,” Katniss says while she brushes my hair out of my face, “And you don’t need to be strong all the time. I can be strong too.”  
“I know that,” I say, “I’ve always known that about you. It’s part of why I love you so much.”  
She smiles and leans towards me. Slow and soft her lips touch mine. I kiss her back, hesitantly at first, but then with more force. My arms wrap around her and I press her to me. Our lips part and our tongues meet each other. Stroking each other lazily. She tastes so wonderful, she feels so soft under my hands. I’m roaming them over her body, slipping beneath her clothes and stroke her delicate, scarred skin. She softly moans against my lips, encouraging me to explore more of her. Her full round buttocks. Her thighs, which are firm because they’re so muscled. She’s beauty wrapped around me.  
In a smooth motion she takes off her pyjamas and her undergarment with it. I stare in wonder at her naked body. Beautiful. Every inch of it.  
“I can’t believe you let me see you like this,” I whisper.  
“Yes,” she says, “I guess I’m not so pure anymore.”  
I smile at her mentioning that awkward conversation on the day of the tributes parade. “I guess not,” I say and pull her to me. We kiss again for a long time. A searching kiss, a promising kiss, which tells me there’s more to come. My hands are on her body, touching her, caressing her tenderly. I cup her breasts, which makes her gasp. I rub her nipples between my fingers. At this Katniss moans in my ear. I move my head down and carefully I take one of her breasts in my mouth, sucking slowly on her nipple. She’s arching her back, her hands in my hair, urging me on. An overwhelming feeling of happiness surges through me, because I can make her feel like this. I want to let her see the stars. Make them explode in front of her eyes. Because I love her and I want her to feel loved. Slowly I move my hand between her legs. “Is this okay?” I whisper. Her eyes grow wide but she nods her assent. As I’m getting to know everything about her body and where her pleasure’s hiding, I learn how to let her see the stars, and the sun and the rainbow. A world of colors and love and a feeling so exquisite that she ends up trembling in my arms.  
“I love you, Katniss.” I whisper in her ear. She hides her face in my neck while I’m slowly tracing patterns over her naked back.  
After what seems like a long time, she breaks away from me and looks me in the eyes. Hers are shining silver as always.  
“Do you remember the dandelion in the meadow?” she asks.  
I nod and she takes my face in her hands. “It represents more than just surviving against the odds. It represents love and hope and the promise that life can go on. It’s you Peeta. You are what I need. You are my dandelion in the spring.”


	27. My heart overflows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta and Katniss are defenitely growing back together in this chapter. Growing closer together than ever before. This ends with real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter runs parallel with the last part of chapter 27 from Mockingjay  
> Trigger warning: this chapter contains explicit sexual interaction.

“Favorite adventure”  
\- K’s Choice

There you are  
Your beauty consoles me  
I've gone far  
And I almost didn't find you  
And I almost lived without you  
There is nothing in this world  
I'd rather do  
Than live in you

Here we go  
Our favorite adventure  
You should know  
I was never more complete  
And I never thought I'd see  
The meaning of my life  
Wrapped in you  
Next to me

If you ever fear  
Someday we might lose this  
Come back here  
To this moment that will last  
And time can go so fast  
When everything's exactly  
Where it's at  
Its very best

The bright yellow paint on my canvas reminds me of that day in training, before the Quarter Quell. Where Ana, Marson and I painted Katniss into a field of dandelions. They’re in our memory book, both of them. I painted a bunch of flowers on that page, next to their pictures. Knowing how much they liked the variety of colors and shapes of the petals, soft as velvet. Today I’m painting dandelions again. Katniss got me motivated by that wonderful thing she told me this morning. How I represented hope for her. I didn’t know that, didn’t expect it either. But it makes me more than happy. Because here we are, ready to go on our favourite adventure. To travel through life together, to walk the road. I am her hope, she’s my world. We found each other again. That almost didn’t happen. We were so close to losing each other so many times in our short life. We almost died, we almost lived without each other. But not anymore.

Katniss enters the room and hands me a mug of tea. “That’s beautiful,” she says, looking over my shoulder at the painting.  
“It isn’t finished yet.” I say. I lay down the brush and place the mug on the table. My hands free to hold my girl in my arms. “What are you going to do today?” I ask her.  
“Nothing,” she says, “I’m going to stay here with you, if that’s okay?”  
“Of course, that’s always okay,” I answer and kiss her on her full lips.  
She settles into a big chair and I continue my painting. While Katniss dozes off I paint her into my field of flowers. Asleep, looking young and content and breathtaking. I realize how much her beauty consoles me. And while I paint I gain a firm confidence that I can do it. That I can live, bake the bread and pour the wine. With her by my side I can do everything, I can open this bakery together with Delly and Garrett. Katniss and I can get married. Have children. Raise them to be strong and brave. We can live, we can breathe, we can dance. We’re going to be so happy.

A week later Katniss comes with me to town where I sign the papers in the emergency Justice Building. The bakery will by rebuild in its original place. The building will be similar to the former one. It’s my bakery, I own the ground and I have full say in what it’s going to look like. Garrett and Delly are both shareholders and officially my employees. The bakery will keep its name, Mellark’s Bakery. Delly’s going to take care of the shop. She has some really ambitious ideas about it, she wants to add a coffee machine and some tables and chairs to the shop, so people can have a bun with something to drink while they wait for their order. Or just take a small coffee break from work. Garrett and I divide the baking. He prefers to work during school hours, when his kids aren’t home. This means I take most of the early morning shifts. It works for me, because those are the hours that Katniss usually spends in the woods.  
Everything works out so well, it’s almost like a fairytale ending to a horror story. Delly is the most excited and even disappointed when she finds out it will take at least two months before the bakery is rebuild and we can start our business. But she’s already busy with ordering decorations and tableware from the Capitol.  
Effie sends us a note, telling us how happy she is that I’m reopening the bakery. 

We’re half way through the month of July when two letters are delivered from District Four. One of them is for Katniss, from her mom. The other is addressed to both of us and I recognize Annie’s handwriting. I open the letter and a picture falls out of the envelope. A smiling Annie is holding a perfect pink baby boy in her arms. I bend down to take it from the ground and examine it carefully.  
“Katniss!” I call, “Come see this!”  
Katniss comes running down the stairs, wearing an orange summer dress and looking especially lovely today. She takes the picture from me. “He’s beautiful,” she says quietly, “What’s his name?”  
I take the letter and read it through. “Finn” I say, “She named him Finn.”  
Katniss’s eyes fill with tears. “Finn,” she repeats and her thumb slides over the baby’s face. “Sounds perfect.”  
“He looks like Finnick, doesn’t he?” I say, “His eyes are the same color.”  
“But Annie has those eyes too,” Katniss replies. “You’re right, though. He does look like his father. It’s amazing.”  
“I can’t believe he didn’t live to see this.” I say softly, thinking about Finnick, our friend and ally. He saved my life, he saved both of us.  
“Me too,” Katniss whispers and presses her face against my shoulder. I wrap my arm around her preparing to read Annie’s letter again, more thoroughly this time. “She’s happy,” I say and I start reading the letter aloud to Katniss. “I miss him terribly, but Finn reminds me of him. He’s only a day old but it already feels as if he’s helping me heal. The delivery went well. Emely was here with me and a nurse, specialized in helping with child birth. We didn’t even need to go to the hospital, which was great, because I really dislike hospitals. And I didn’t want my son to see the first light of day in such a place. I hope you can come and visit us some time. Or maybe, when Finn’s a little older, I can come to you. Emely can come too, that would be nice, I think.”  
“We can’t visit her,” Katniss says, “I’m not allowed to leave the district.”  
“I think she didn’t realize that,” I say, “But maybe we could consider asking if your refinement can be revoked. It’s not like you’re a risk to the country anymore, it’s not necessary, this refinement.”  
“I don’t know,” Katniss says, “I’m not sure if I want that. Leaving this district.”  
“We don’t have to,” I say, “They can wait a couple of months and then come here, like she suggested.”

Together we walk to the kitchen where Katniss opens the memory book to insert the picture. I go to sit at the table and look at her, while she attaches it to the parchment sheet with such care, as if it were her own baby. “You’re going to be a great mother one day,” I say.  
Katniss shakes her head, “I’m not going to be a mother.”  
I’m slightly taken aback by this. “Never?” I ask.  
She looks into my eyes and shakes her head again. “Never.”  
“Why not?”  
“Because I can’t risk it, Peeta,” she answers, a sudden hysteria in her eyes. “I can’t risk loving another person. I’m already risking everything with you. I’m too afraid, that if I take pleasure in anything, it might be taken away from me.”  
“You still believe that loving someone means only getting hurt?” I ask.  
“It’s not so much a matter of believing,” she says, “I know it to be true. I lost my sister, my father, my mother too, really. And so many others, friends, people I care about.” She looks at the photo in the book. “Finnick,” she adds in a whisper.  
I cross over to her side of the table. “Your sister told me that it’s true, that loving someone might hurt, but it’s also the greatest joy in life. Those were her words.” I say while I pull her out of the chair and into my arms. “She’s right. And even more so, love is the purpose of life. You can’t live without loving someone and without anyone loving you back.” I pause for a second, thinking about how to phrase this. “Listen, Katniss. I know you need me and it scares the hell out of you. But it also makes your life meaningful again.”  
“Yes, but this is as far as I go,” Katniss says, “I can’t have children. I can’t.”  
“We’re eighteen, we’re young. It’s too early now anyway.” I say, “I’m going to stand my ground though.”  
“What do you mean?” she says, confused.  
“I mean that I won’t force you to do anything, I’ll never do that, but I am going to change your mind.” I say, “Because you’re destined to be a mother. And when that time comes, you’ll be great at it and we’re going to be so happy.”  
“Stop pushing me,” Katniss says angry and she tries to break away from my embrace. As a reaction I hold her even closer to me.  
“I’m not pushing you,” I say softly, “I’m just stating a fact. And I’m not going to let you go.”

Katniss struggles a little but then she concedes and lays her head on my chest.  
“I’m scared, Peeta,” she whispers.  
“What are you so afraid of?” I ask her as I cup her chin in my hand and look into her grey eyes.  
“I’m afraid of losing myself,” she says softly. “Of losing myself in you.”  
I ponder on her words for a while and then I smile at her.  
“Don’t be afraid. I will find you again.”  
She presses her lips softly on mine. “Okay,” she whispers, her breath brushing my lips.  
“Everything’s exactly where it’s at its very best.” I tell her. “You don’t have to be afraid, Katniss. If you ever fear you might lose this, just come back here in my arms. To this moment that will last. You are safe here.”  
“Where do you come up with all these beautiful things to say?” Katniss asks.  
“You wake it in me, I guess,” I whisper.  
She looks up and presses her lips against mine. “Thank you.”  
“Thank you,” I reply, “For being you. For being amazing.”  
“Amazing,” she grins a little, “I really don’t understand what you like about me so much.”  
“Of course you don’t,” I say, “That’s because you still have no idea, the effect you can have.”  
My mouth closes on hers and we kiss again, long and slow. Katniss is so open and giving in my arms, it’s still absolutely incredible for me to hold her and kiss her like this. After a long time we break apart, both of us trying to catch our breath.  
“I have to tell you something,” Katniss says, “Now that we’re on the subject.” She lets go of me and I see her cheeks blush. “I talked to Dr. Aurelius about us.”  
“Yes?” I ask. I know she calls Dr. Aurelius about once a week, and it doesn’t surprise me that they talk about us during those sessions.  
“He’s sent me something,” she says and her cheeks get even redder. “Some sort of pill to prevent conception.”  
“Conception?” I ask, for a moment not quite sure what she means. But then understanding comes. “Oh...” I get out, not quite sure what else to say. I feel the blood rush to my own cheeks as well. “Okay.” I say, “Uhm... good, I guess.”  
Suddenly Katniss bursts out in laughter. “I thought I was the prudish one,” she grins and takes my arm. “Come, I promised Haymitch we’d have lunch with him, and after that I want to show you something.”

After a short lunch with Haymitch, who was too drunk to be pleasant company, Katniss and I go back to our house. “I want to get out,” Katniss says on our way back.  
“What do you mean? Go for a walk?” I ask.  
“No, that’s not enough,” she says, “I want to be away for a little while.”  
I’m confused and a little concerned at this. “Where do you want to go?”  
“To the woods,” she tells me, “I ordered a tent and a camping mattress a while ago and it arrived yesterday, so we can camp for a couple of days.”  
“We?” I ask, relieved that her trip includes me.  
Katniss smiles a warm smile, “Of course, we, what did you think?”  
“I thought you wanted to leave me behind,” I say sheepishly.  
“No, no, I want you to come, that is, if you want that too?” she asks, a bit shy.  
“Of course,” I say, smiling now, “I’d love to go on a camping trip with you. That’s going to bring back memories.”  
“Hmmm,” she mumbles, “It’s supposed to be fun, a change of scenery.”  
“And I’m sure it will be,” I reply, “When do you want to go? And for how long?”  
“Today?” she says, “If we pack up and leave now, we’ll be there before night falls.”  
“Before night falls?” I ask, “You already have a place in mind?”  
“Yes, and I’d like to stay for a couple of days, if that’s okay with you?”  
“Are you kidding. A couple of days in the woods in the summer with you! Without a drunk Haymitch to bother us? Sounds like heaven to me.” I tell her happily. “I’m going to start packing clothes immediately.”  
After we’ve filled a bag with clothes, Katniss packs a bag with food. Cheese buns, fruit and a bottle of orange juice. “This will not be enough in terms of food, but I’ll hunt, so we’ll be fine. Ready for the hike?” she asks.  
We’ve taken on walking in the forest together in the afternoon. Katniss always brings her bow, although we never hunt. It’s more for safety, since that incident with the wild dog. Today she takes me through the Seam to the Meadow. From there we arrive at the woods.  
“This is where I used to enter the woods,” Katniss says, “Back in the day, with my father. I want to show you something that was ours.”  
“You went hunting a lot with your father?” I ask.  
“I did, yes. He taught me everything I needed to know. Helped me practice,” she’s silent for a while, trudging through the woods. “Sometimes I miss him so much that it hurts. And he’s been dead for more than six years now. I wonder, will it ever pass?”  
“Do you miss him as much as you missed him six years ago?” I ask, thinking about my own father and how much I miss him. Wondering if it will ever pass.  
“I don’t think about him that often anymore,” Katniss says, “So I guess it does get better as time passes by. But when I do think of him, the pain is just as real.”  
We walk together for two hours, while Katniss talks about her dad. “He taught me how to swim, too,” she tells me, “That’s where we’re going now, to the lake.”  
“That sounds nice,” I say, “I’d like to learn how to swim.”  
“I showed you how,” Katniss says, “In the Quell Arena, don’t you remember? Here we are.”  
We arrive at the lake, which is absolutely beautiful. It has a deep blue color and is surrounded by trees in various shades of green. On the other side of the lake, mountains dome up. The air is filled with the expectations of a warm summer day. Birds are singing in the trees. This place, it’s perfect.  
“It’s astonishing,” I say, “I have to draw it one of these days. I’m glad I brought my sketchpad and pencils with me.”  
There’s a small house on this side of the lake. “Look,” I say, pointing towards it, “We could stay there, instead of sleeping in the tent.”  
But Katniss shakes her head. “This is the place where Gale gathered the refugees from Twelve,” she explains, “That has tainted this place for me. All those frightened people. And Prim.”  
I look at the house and then to Katniss. “Maybe we should walk a little further to our left. Then that house will be out of sight,” I suggest. “It’s such a warm day, we don’t need a house, we can just use the tent. It would be a shame if something as lovely as this would be evoking bad memories for you.”  
“There’s no way to hide from those bad memories, though,” Katniss says.  
“I know,” I say, “But we can make it easier on ourselves. Come!” I take her hand and we walk about a mile besides the lake to come to a stop at a small meadow. “From here we can easily wade into the water and take a swim.” Katniss says, “I can finish teaching you. You wore that pink belt in the Arena, so it didn’t really count.”  
I shake my head. “I don’t think I remember that,” I say, racking my brains for the footage that showed how Katniss taught me how to swim.  
Katniss takes my hand and squeezes it tight. “That’s okay,” she says, “We’re going to make new memories, happy memories.”

She strips off her orange dress and takes off her shoes, wearing only white cotton underwear. “Let’s go!” she yells and jumps into the water. “It’s shallow, you won’t drown.”  
I follow her example, strip to my shorts and lower myself into the water, a little uneasy. Trying to find steady ground with my prosthetic leg is difficult because I can’t feel what I’m doing with my left leg whereas I do feel everything on the right side. It’s an odd sensation.  
Katniss comes swimming towards me and grabs me at my waist. I pull her out of the water and against my chest. Brushing the wet strands of hair out of her face. “I’m going to teach you again,” she says, “Swimming is so much fun!”  
She shows me how to move my arms and legs and steadies me while I try it. I’m splashing around in the water, enjoying the coolness of it on this hot summer day. Katniss is chiding me that I’m not taking it serious enough. “Who cares,” I yell, while I spray her with water. “I have you!”  
“Oh, you think so?” she asks, a playful smile on her face, “You think you have me? Well, try and catch me!” She dives under water and swims away from me with such speed, it reminds me of Finnick. I try following her and even manage to swim a little, but I’m not as good as she is. Finally I return to the more shallow ground where I can stand. “Katniss,” I call over the water, “I give up, you win! Now come back please.”  
She turns around instantly and joins me only minutes later in the shallow water. “I’ll always come back to you,” she says softly in my ear, but the next moment she grabs my arm and pushes me under water. I pull her down with me and splash water around. After a few minutes of wrestling I’m holding her in such a way that she can’t move, but we’re both laughing so hard that the birds actually take off. “Come,” I scoop her up in my arms, “Time for a picnic.”

I carry her out of the water and onto the blanket that we’ve already spread out on the grass. We sit next to each other in silence for a long time and watch the sun set over the lake. It’s breathtakingly beautiful. Katniss rests her head against my shoulder. “I totally understand that this orange is your favourite color,” she says. “It’s so lovely.”  
“When did I tell you about that?” I ask, “Was it on the train?”  
“Yes, on the train during Victory Tour,” she answers. “Do you remember that sunset we watched on the roof of the training center?”  
“I do,” I whisper while I’m stroking her hair. “But this one is so much better.”  
“Of course that’s also because we don’t have any interviews tomorrow,” Katniss says smiling.  
“That, too,” I agree. “I’m getting hungry though, let’s eat.”  
I start slicing an apple while Katniss takes a cheese bun.  
“Hmmm,” she says, while taking a huge bite out of the bun. “I’ll never get enough of this.”  
“Good,” I answer, “Because I’ll never stop baking them for you.”  
We each eat a cheese bun, an apple and leftovers from yesterdays stew. When we’re full it has become fully dark and the stars appear at the sky. Katniss points to them, “Look, the stars, they each take their own place in the sky.”  
“I can’t believe you still remember that,” I say.  
“Of course I do,” she says, “It’s getting too dark though, maybe we should light a fire.”  
We start gathering wood and twigs and build the fire together. When the flames are licking the wood we sit back and watch them dance. Katniss bends towards me and kisses me softly. “This has been a good day,” she whispers.  
“You’re not mad at me anymore, for what I said this morning?” I ask her.  
She frowns a little and revises her statement, “This has been a good afternoon and evening.”  
“It’s about to get better,” I say as I pull her close to me and kiss her back.

Our lips part and I softly suck on her lower lip. Stroking her back underneath her undergarments.  
Katniss’s hands are roaming over my back, my shoulders, my chest. She breaks apart from our kiss and pushes me gently down on the blanket. She removes her clothes slowly and I look at her gorgeous naked body. Her hands are on my shorts now and she tugs them down over my legs, leaving me naked as well. She’s staring at my body for a short while and then starts kissing my neck, my chest, my scars. I kiss her back, ravishing in her beauty. Cupping and massaging her breasts. “You’re so beautiful,” I tell her, pulling her on top of me and kissing her lips.  
She looks into my eyes, our bodies wrapped around each other. Everything I feel, everything I see is her. That soft silver glow in her eyes makes me want to be even closer to her, feel more, love more.  
“Katniss,” I whisper. She’s moving on top of me and suddenly I feel her hand on me, stroking me. She repositions her body and then lowers herself on me slowly. The warmth and the sensation it gives is so extremely overwhelming. Exceeding all expectations.  
I look at her face and am suddenly worried when I see the hint of pain in it. “Are you okay?” I whisper, “I don’t want to hurt you.”  
I take her hips in my hands and slowly turn us around and move out of her. She’s lying on her back now, panting. “It’s okay,” she whispers, “Come back.” She pulls me on top of her and guides me back to the place where I belong.  
This is the place where we love, where we make love. In a meadow, next to a lake. Our fate is sealed here. Just as it was sealed at that other meadow, near that other lake, that moment where we held out those berries and chose each other. We choose each other again now.  
“There’s nothing in this world I’d rather do, than live in you.” I whisper in her ear.  
“Good,” she answers, breathless.  
Together we reach higher peeks. Until the stars burst into a million colors and we return to earth again. We stay still in each other’s arms, almost afraid to move, to break this enchantment. My heart overflows with the feeling of love so great, I know it will last forever.  
And I also know that this is the time for her to acknowledge this too. 

So I whisper, "You love me. Real or not real?"

And she tells me, "Real."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness this is the last chapter of the last book. I can't believe I'm here. Next up: the Epilogue and then it's really over.  
> I'll leave my final thanks at the end of the Epilogue. For now I'll suffice to say that this has been wonderful, thanks everyone!!!


	28. EPILOGUE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twenty years after the events of Mockingjay, Peeta and Katniss are happily married and have two children. Peeta looks back on their births and in this last chapter something unexptected surprises them...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suzanne Collings wrote a wonderful trilogy which I used for this fanfiction. I can't thank her enough for that beautiful piece of art.

EPILOGUE

They play in the Meadow. Our children. Willow is dancing in circles, her long, dark brown hair swirling around her. Rye is trying to copy her moves, but he’s not coordinated enough to follow her delicate choreography. They’re laughing, both of them, when he falls down. Willow helps him up and ruffles his blond curls. He’s picking up something from the ground and runs towards us.  
“Mommy, mommy,” he shouts, “Look what I found.”  
Katniss extends her arms, ready to catch him as he throws himself in her embrace. In his little fist a yellow dandelion.  
“That’s beautiful, Rye,” she smiles at him.  
“Foj you,” he says and his face beams with pride. Katniss takes the flower and tucks it behind her ear. “Thank you,” she says and hugs him tight.  
He hugs her back but then struggles to get away again. “I’m going to catch Willow,” he says and runs after his big sister, who’s still twirling on the grass. Katniss smiles and turns towards me. “He’s just like his father, with his persuasive gifts.”  
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I answer her teasingly and kiss her softly on her lips before we both turn our attention to our children again, as Rye is trying to catch Willow. She’s too fast of course, and climbs the big oak tree in the middle of the meadow. She’s just like her mother.

She’s beautiful. Just as he is. Except for Katniss herself I‘ve never loved anyone as much as I love them. Our children.  
Katniss didn’t want them for a long time. I kept telling her how much joy they were going to bring us. How she was destined to be a mother. How it would be such a wonderful thing, not a bad thing. Katniss didn’t think she deserved anything wonderful, though. Night after night after making love to her I’d tell her how amazing she was. How she deserved so much, and how I wanted to give her everything and more. She had trouble believing me, she still has some of the time.  
Four months after Finn was born, Annie and Mrs. Everdeen came to Twelve to visit us. When Katniss held that baby in her arms I was sure about her destiny. This was something Katniss would be good at. I just had to think back on how she’d treated Rue, and Prim, to get me even more motivated to convince her to become a mother herself. But that was just it. Both Rue and Prim died and Katniss told me she was too afraid. “Everything that’s good got taken away from me,” she said after Annie went back to Four with Finn and Emely.  
“I’m still here.” I told her.  
“I know,” she said and pulled me in her arms, “But I’m afraid every day, of losing you too.”  
“You won’t lose me.” I said.  
I proposed to her that same night, for real this time. Sealing my promise. She said yes.

A couple of weeks later Katniss and I got married. We did a toasting over our own fire. With hearty bread, with raisins and nuts in it. We baked the bread together, build the fire together. It was just the two of us and we didn’t tell anyone until after it happened. Haymitch was mad at us for doing it behind his back. But Katniss and I had had enough attention for the rest of our lives. We wanted it to be private.  
Life took on a steady form after that. The bakery got rebuild. I worked there with Garrett and Delly. Katniss hunted. Haymitch tended his geese. We led a quiet life, and it was a good life.  
Years were passing by. I would still tell Katniss every now and then how wonderful she’d be as a mother. It took fifteen years for Katniss to agree with me. I had already lost hope and stopped trying to convince her for quite some time, when one day, after she came back from hunting, she told me she wanted it too.

“Peeta,” she said, her face taking on such a serious expression that it got me worried instantly.  
“What’s wrong?” I asked her.  
“You haven’t asked me about children for a while now,” she answered.  
I walked towards where she was standing, next to the counter, emptying her game bag, and took her in my arms. “No,” I said quietly.  
Her voice dropped to a whisper, “Maybe we should try it?”  
“Are you serious?” I asked, even though I knew she wouldn’t joke about this. “I mean, are you up for it?”  
She nodded but hid her face my shirt. “Katniss,” I whispered, “We don’t have to do this. Not just because I want it. I want you to want it too.”  
“I want it,” she said, “At least, I think so and I want to try before I change my mind.”  
I didn’t really like the way she put it, but agreed to it. Something I’ve regretted in the period that followed. She got pregnant about a month after this happened. We found out because her nightmares increased and the doctor suspected it had something to do with it. After the examination, when he told her she was indeed expecting, all the color drained out of her face. She fainted and when she came to she had a full blown panic attack. I was so mad at myself at that point. For believing she’d be okay. For thinking this was a good idea. Physically, the pregnancy went very well. Mentally, Katniss was having a hard time. She was so scared for the unknown future, she woke me up four, five times a night because of her nightmares. It hadn’t been this severe since the first months after our return to Twelve after the war.

When Willow was born we forgot about all that. She was a miracle. In every aspect. Wonderful, beautiful. With dark, auburn hair and eyes, so blue. They shone like sapphires. She was a perfect baby, very easy-going too. She didn’t cry much, she ate well and grew quickly. Katniss truly revived after her birth and proved my point. She’s such a loving and caring mother, everything I expected her to be, really.  
The true surprise came from Haymitch. Both Katniss and I didn’t care much for his inebriated state around our daughter. Katniss had a huge fight with him one day, not that long after Willow was born. She told him he wasn’t allowed one step over our doorstep with so much as one sip of alcohol in him. “And I’ll know if you had some,” she yelled. “You’re not coming close to her anymore.”  
He quit drinking cold turkey. Because he was as much in love with Willow as we were. Willow and Haymitch share a wonderful bond too. He would babysit her for us, so we’d have some time to spend with each other every once and a while. But even when we were both around, he’d come over all the time. When Willow started talking, her first word was ‘Hay hay.’ Much to Katniss’s dismay and Haymitch’s pleasure. He was beaming with pride when he heard her say it. Willow and Haymitch still are hand and glove. Almost inseparable. When she started going to school, Haymitch had more trouble with it than we did. 

Willow was one and a half years old and had just started walking when Katniss told me she wanted her to have a brother or sister. Again it didn’t take long for Katniss to get pregnant. The second time around it was a little easier for her, even though her nightmares still bothered us. She slept a lot during this pregnancy, more than when she was pregnant with Willow. It was nothing to worry about, the doctor said, completely normal. When our son was born, the first thing I noticed were his eyes. Exactly the same as his mother’s. So unbelievably beautiful. It was Katniss’s idea to call him Rye. After my brother. 

Rye is three years old now and Willow is five. She’s been going to school for the last year, where they teach her about the Hunger Games. She just started asking questions about it because she knows we played a part in that particularly awful piece of history. Her questions freak Katniss out. “It’ll be okay,” I told Katniss after Willow had asked us about it the first time, “We have each other, we have the book. We can make them understand in a way that will make them braver.”  
Katniss nodded but it didn’t change the fact that she woke up screaming again, that night. Waking both Willow and Rye with it. I ended up having to comfort all three of them.

But today is a perfect day. No shadows looming over us. It’s summer holiday and we celebrate our Sunday off with a picnic in the meadow. We asked Haymitch to come, but even though he only just passed sixty, he refused. “I’m getting too old for that,” he said.  
“Nonsense,” Katniss answered, “Come with us.”  
He didn’t budge and it worried both of us.  
Now that Willow and Rye are dancing and running around, Katniss brings up the subject. “I worry about Haymitch,” she says, “He’s not that old, despite what he’s saying. But he’s not doing well these last few weeks.”  
“I know,” I sigh, “I’ve noticed it too, maybe we should call in a doctor.”  
“He wouldn’t want that, I bet.” Katniss says.  
“Probably not, but that’s not going to stop us.” I answer.  
At the end of the day we walk back to Victor’s Village. Rye is asleep in my arms. Willow and Katniss walk hand in hand. Katniss is showing her plants along the way, pointing out which ones can be eaten or used for medicine.  
“I’ll show them to you in our plant book,” Katniss says.  
“Yay! Tonight? When we get home?” Willow asks enthusiastic.  
“No, not tonight.” Katniss says, “It’s late, you’re going to bed as soon as we get home.” 

As soon as we arrive back home we tuck in our children and Katniss sings for them. 

Deep in the meadow, under the willow  
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow  
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes  
And when again they open, the sun will rise.

Here it's safe, here it's warm  
Here the daisies guard you from every harm  
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true  
Here is the place where I love you.

“I love you too, mommy,” Willow whispers and wraps her little arms around Katniss’s neck.  
As I kiss her goodnight she repeats it to me as well. “I love you, daddy.”  
“Love you too, beautiful girl.” I tell her and stroke her soft cheek. “Now go to sleep. We’ll watch over you tonight.”  
“Together with the stars?” she asks.  
“Together with the stars.” I say softly.  
“Good,” she whispers and closes her eyes. Her little arms wrapped around the stuffed animal Haymitch gave her for her first birthday.  
Rye is already fast asleep, but I press a kiss on his forehead as well. “Sleep, little man. Until the sun comes up and you’ll bright everyone’s day up again.” 

Downstairs Katniss hands me a mug of tea and we curl up on the couch together.  
“Today has been a good day,” she whispers. I nod and we drink the tea in silence. Katniss looks as beautiful as ever today, and as soon as we’ve finished the tea I place our mugs on the tables. Then I pull her into my arms and press my lips to hers. As she parts hers slowly we forget about everything else. Our tongues swirl around each other, stroking, searching, we deepen the kiss as Katniss repositions herself on my lap. My hands roam over her back, which is only covered in a thin summer dress.  
It doesn’t take us long to remove it and I can feel her bare skin pressed against me. Carefully I cup her breasts in my hands and rub my fingers over her nipples, which makes her squirm. Our lips break apart as she starts showering me with kisses. On my jaw, in my neck. She’s whispering in my ear that she loves me and she wants me. Her breath tickling my ear, making me almost crazy with desire. Because I love her and I want her too. I scoop her up in my arms and carry her upstairs.  
I’m trying to be quiet for the sake of the kids, although it’s never been my strong suit. We end up in our bedroom where we take off the remainder of our clothes. I lay her down on the bed, ravishing in her beauty, stroking her and kissing her everywhere until she ends up shivering all over, a satisfied smile on her lips. Not for long though, as she pulls me on top of her and guides me inside of her.  
Being with Katniss in this way never ceases to amaze me. She feels so warm, so overwhelmingly good to me. We move together, building up to a point where the world seems to explode all around us in such a brilliant manner, as if all the stars are falling at the same time only to shoot up again and take their place back in the sky.  
While they’re on their way back up, Katniss and I return to earth. Wrapped around each other in a tight embrace. “I love you,” Katniss whispers in my ear, “So much that it hurts sometimes. But it’s a good kind of pain.”  
“I don’t ever want to hurt you,” I say softly as I roll off of her and pull her in my arms, the way we use to lie together. Her head on my chest, where she listens to the beat of my heart.  
“Sometimes I still have trouble believing you actually came back to me,” Katniss says.  
“But I did,” I tell her while I stroke her hair. “And I’m here to stay.”  
We fall asleep not long after that. No nightmares haunt our dreams this night.

***

It’s a nice summer day at the end of August as I return home from the bakery after a long day of work. The bakery has been doing well over the past twenty years. Garrett and I make a good team. Delly proved to be very good in sales, the business still thrives. She even hired a fourth and a fifth employee. She and Garrett fell in love and got married about fifteen years ago. His sons are grown up now. One of them went back to District Ten. The other works in the bakery with us. Delly and Garret have two girls, ten and eight years old.  
Today was a busy day and I’m glad to be heading home. In the Victor’s Village Rye and Willow are playing with Haymitch. As soon as they see me they break into a run, arms stretched wide. “Daddy, daddy!” Both of them yelling. I open my arms and catch both of them in a strong embrace. I kiss them on their heads, ruffle Rye’s hair. “How was your day?” I ask them.  
Both of them start talking at once. “Haymitch showed me how to feed worms to the geese!” Willow yells.  
“I’ve pjayed with Haymitch today!” Rye beams.  
“You did?” I ask him, “What did you do? And you, Willow, were you careful?”  
“Of course I was,” she laughs.  
“Where’s your mother?” I ask, smiling at their enthusiasm.  
“In the house,” Willow tells me, “She’s sleeping.”  
“Sleeping? Why?” I turn to Haymitch who comes walking towards us.  
“Because she was tijed,” Rye says it as if it’s the most logical thing.  
“Haymitch?” I ask.  
“Katniss asked me to take care of the kids for a while so she could sleep,” Haymitch says. “I don’t think it’s a big deal.”  
“Well, you don’t think a lot of things,” I say a little annoyed, “Katniss sleeping in the middle of the day is weird. You know she never does that. I’m going to check on her.” I hand Rye over to Haymitch and walk towards our house.  
Katniss is asleep in our bed. Her hair spread out over the pillow. She looks pale, but not really sick. Carefully I nudge her shoulder. “Katniss,” I whisper, “wake up.”  
She opens her eyes and fixes them on me. “Oh hi, are you home already? You’re early.”  
“No, I’m not,” I say, “I’m late actually, it’s already past six. How long have you been sleeping?”  
“Past six?” Katniss bolts straight up in bed. “Are you serious? Why didn’t Haymitch wake me?”  
“You know how Haymitch is,” I say, “When he’s playing with the kids, he forgets time. What’s wrong, why are you in bed?”  
Katniss rakes her hand through her hair and yawns. “I was just really tired,” she says, “I don’t know why.” She throws her arms around my neck and pulls me onto the bed. “Come, lay with me for a while,” she whispers.  
I crawl into the bed next to her and willingly lay my head on her chest. “Are you feeling okay, though?” I ask her.  
“Yes, I feel fine,” Katniss answers while her hand trails through my hair. “A bit tired, still, but that must be because you just woke me and I slept for so long.”  
“What time did you go to bed?” I ask.  
“Around two,” she says.  
“Katniss!” I lift my head from her chest and stare at her, “That’s not normal. You never sleep like this. The only time you ever did that was when you were pregnant with Rye.”  
Her eyes widen at my remark. “What?” I ask.  
“I’m late,” she says, “I’m never late. There were two times in my life when I was late, Willow and Rye.”  
“No,” I’m completely taken aback by what she’s insinuating. “Are you sure?”  
“I am,” she says as we both sit up in the bed. “I’m going to do a test.”  
Katniss gets up and walks to the bathroom where she finds a pregnancy test in the drawer. After she’s taken the test we wait, sitting together on the edge of the bed, our hands entwined. Katniss doesn’t look half as nervous as she was the first two times.  
“How are you feeling?” I ask. “Aren’t you nervous?”  
“I feel fine,” Katniss reassures me.  
When the minute is up the test proves to us what we already know. Katniss is pregnant. We’re getting a third child. I look at my wife’s face, trying to assess how she takes in the news. She keeps staring at the test but slowly, very slowly a smile appears on her face. “We’re getting another child,” she says. I circle my arm around her and pull her close to me. She presses her forehead against my cheek and then looks up into my eyes. Hers are filled with tears. “Another child, Peeta,” she repeats.  
Slowly I wipe away the tear that rolls down her face and nod. Suddenly Katniss is laughing through her tears. “Look at your face,” she says, “I’ve never seen someone as shocked as you are now. Don’t you want a third child?”  
“Don’t I want a?” I ask, stopping mid sentence as my face breaks out in a smile. I get up from the bed and twirl Katniss around in the room. “A third child!” I yell, so happy at this unexpected present and the way Katniss reacts to it. When we come to a stop I kiss her lips fervently and hold her tight to me. “I love you, Katniss,” I say, “And I can’t wait for this baby to be born.”  
“I didn’t think it was possible,” Katniss says, still smiling. “It’s such a surprise.”  
“We’re coal pressed into pearls.” I say, “Which is impossible, but it happened anyways.”

The doctor’s appointment two days later tells us Katniss is already four weeks pregnant. The doctor tells us the pills Katniss takes aren’t 100% effective. Well, obviously.  
Rye and Willow are over the moon when we tell them the news. “I want little bjothej,” Rye tells us. Katniss smiles at him and pulls him on her lap. “We don’t know yet, it might be a girl,” she says.  
“Yes, a girl,” Willow says, “I want it to be a girl.”  
“No!” Rye gives a yell and shoots Willow a look. “I want a bjothej.”  
“You don’t even say it correctly,” Willow says pointedly, “It’s brother.”  
“That’s what I said,” Rye retorts.  
“Don’t fight about this,” I say to them, “Your mommy is right, we don’t know yet and there’s no way to tell. We just have to wait and let him or her surprise us. And in the meantime we can start a game of coming up with names!”  
With the four of us we start a game of names which continues until Katniss’s due date. Names are suggested and dismissed. We laugh at ridiculous options. Stay on a name for weeks to finally decide against it. The kids love it and so do we. Katniss is doing better than ever during this pregnancy. Joining in the fight over a name with our children. I find myself regretting the whole idea of the game as I find the three of them shouting against each other in the living room one day. But then I remind myself that there are much worse games to play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end...  
> I want to express my thanks to eala-musings who has been my wonderful beta and such a support throughout this entire project. Also special thanks to my colleague Jannieta, who came up with excellent ideas and surprised me with lovely (sometimes Dutch) comments during work :)  
> Also thanks to my loyal readers, MTK4FUN, Shadowofthemoon, Notanislander, Trude, Bear and so many others. Your comments inspired me to continue and I've finished it!!!  
> Once again thank you everyone!


End file.
